After an 18 month affair, of which I was unaware, my wife of 22 yrs.left me and our 4 kids,ages 14- 20 ,to be with the OM. While reading the archives from 2003 on this site I came across a disturbing post which was very relevant to my situation. The poster said that during her 3 yrs. on the MB board she observed that the"vast majority"of spouses from marriages of 20 yrs. or longer that left their homes to be with the OP were either continuing the affair or married to the OP 3 yrs. later." Is this true? If so, then I may as well give up all hope right now. When you consider that even if the affair ends not all WW's want to reconcile,what small percentage chance do I really have?

Don't give up! That is what the devil wants you to do. I am in the same situation as you except we have only been married 14 1/2 yrs. She left me in August to persue this affair but sin is only for a season. Keep reassuring her that you love her and PRAY PRAY PRAY. Have faith in the things you can't see. That is what I am learning to do. And it works because the Lord gives me something new everyday that keeps my hope alive for my marriage. DON'T GIVE UP!!!

not2late, I have never seen any such trend in older marriages. Dr. Harley states that only 5% of affairs ever make it to marriage and of those that do, 80% end in divorce. Even so, statistics are meaningless to your situation, because what counts are the conditions in your individual situation.

Do you have any of the Harley books? Have you exposed the affair? What have you done so far?

WHAT?!??! Where did that statistic come from? Please show me .

Age, gender, financial status, background, job, etc.....doesn't matter. All walks of life have people with A troubles. Smashing it is a challenge to all. Recovery is always possible.

Let me explain. There are 2 types of recovery: Personal and marital. Personal recovery for you is within your control. Marital recovery requires cooperation between the spouses.

Work on your personal recovery. Form a strong pack with your children. Expose. Secure your finances. Create your personal support group (include your children and be in their's), identify your boundaries and implement them. This is no time to give up or be weak. Read the recommended books and call Jennifer C @ MB for guidance.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Love your kids. Learn how to plan A your spouse but plan B the WS.

take care,
L.

Don't give up. Follow the advice of the long-time MBers here. She'll wake up. I'm firmly convinced that they all do. Show her what's she's missing. The A will end.

Thank you members for your replies. In response to Orchids' question regarding the source of the statistic in my post, it came from Nellie1, a frequent poster back in '03 and '04.To answer Melody Lanes' questions: I have talked with Steve Harley twice and have read 'Surviving An Affair'.I sent a planB letter 10 days ago.My wife has been gone for 3 months now and I have not seen her since. This is more my choice than hers as she would very much like to be 'friends'.The kids have refused to have any contact with her. She is very anxious to reconnect with them but they want no part of it.Prior to exposure my WW and the OM, under the guise of 'just friends,spent a lot of time together at the school where they both teach. Since exposure they are very careful not to be seen together in public. I'm not sure who they are trying to fool.Is this their response to the sleaziness they must be feeling?

Why r u giving up hope on an observation? While I respect Nellie's comments, I have been on board since 2001 and yet to see that same statistic. What I do see is the selfish trend repeated over and over. Younger or older still the stupid virus hits their brain. The difference is the older they are the more stubborn they tend to be so the harder they must fall. Again, that's just my observation. Still many come to their senses. It is where the BS and family are at that point that is the variable. Some it happens before the D and some after.

Do NOT hang your hopes on a statistic. Do your best and don't be a number.

L.