This is just an update from my current situation I have been reading and this has been a great deal of help however my situation is a little unique and I was hoping that maybe you could give me some tips or advice on how to go NC while still living under the same roof together. Neither of us has support of friends or relatives that we can actually get help from. We moved to a different state to "start over" from a previous affair that he was having. Actually I moved back to my home that i own in a totally different state from where the affair took place he seemed to "jump off the fence" quickly and followed me. We own our home and the nearest relative is 500 miles away so its not a possibility of either of us moving out right now. ws/o is on the verge of cheating with an ex that he has a child with I found proof (letters that was hidden) but haven't confronted him yet. In the letters they didnt exactly state that he wanted her back or anything but it seems like to me it may give her hope for the future. Not sure if he wrote to her trying to keep access to his son or not. but i definitely want to go NC real soon.


No we are not currently married he's "anti-marriage" but claims that its ME that he wants to spend the rest of his life with (confuse me!!!?) When I informed him that after 7 years we would be commonlaw he said "well there you go" but he doesnt want to get married at all. (2 years ago he was anti-relationship but now were in a relationship go figure)
Yes he has previously cheated before. The woman that he cheated with ended up being very abusive towards him. I dealt with that prior situation by going nc and actually dating other people however we were not living together at the time. 3 months after going n/c he came back confessing his love for me yada yada blah you know the story. and weve been back together ever since. I have asked him why he stayed beings though she was abusive and he told me that it didn't matter to him that she was abusive he adapted to being treated that way. Its almost like he feels he deserves to be miserable or get mistreated and the mother of his child aids to that.
In the beginning of our relationship 3 1/2 years ago i found letters that were from both parties. Letters actually written to him from her and it was almost like she was feeding him the lines of "I'm unhappy so you should be to. You're no good and not going to ever do anything for your child but I love you" Basically putting him down and then justifying it with love.(emotional abuse) Now back then there were also his letters that were written replying that he loved her so much wanted marriage and wanted to work it out with her. (Co-dependency maybe?)(totally opposite of the letters that i recently found)
I have casually mentioned IC before because he has some unresolved issues dealing with a very tramatic childhood. he had a set of twin brothers and when he was a teenager one of the twin brothers accidentally shot and killed the other twin while playing with a loaded gun, so you can only imagine that his family fell apart after that and he went into a shell.
Now he refuses to communicate about feelings and won't show emotions at all. Something can bother or upset him but instead of expressing those feelings he harbors them. I am the only person in his life since that happened that has ever gotten this close to him. Not even the mother of his child in question was as close to him as me. He is a very private person and believes that you shouldn't have to sit there and tell other people about your problems but i know differently.
So I did not suggest any form of RC/MC because i simply believe that he would refuse to go and if he refuses I don't know where to go from there. I would like to find out though and I would like some advice on how to go about approaching or suggesting MC/RC to him. I have also told him before about conversations with her there are boundaries that should not be crossed out of respect and love for me and our relationship. I have already had several conversations with him about the relationship with his childs mother and he assures me that no feelings are there for her he denies being still in love with her. he says that he'll always have love for her strictly because she has his son but he does not love her.
But the letters that I'm finding states that he does love her but doesn't want to get back with her right now. Now I've posted on so many other sites and the first thing that is said is leave him he's no good, he has too much baggage but that is so much easier said than done when all we have is eachother literally both of us don't have decent relationships with parents because i too come from an abusive childhood. No real friends no real family so you see its like we're in a relationship but yet are like brother and sister(please don't take that literally) but I hope you understand the point that i'm trying to make. Can't leave right now and truthfully if I could I really wouldn't want to go but instead find something that will bring results. Leaving is a last resort.
Everytime I try to talk about the our relationship any thing that has to do with emotions he shuts down and I do know that without communication your relationship will fall apart I'm desperate for all the advice that I can get.

10/29/06
Today I had a miscarriage and I'm really depressed about it yet relieved in a sense so I decided that it was time for me to let the cat out of the bag today. He doesn't know that I found the letters I basically confronted him on "based on my intuitions" because of previous experiences with the situation with him and her and I basically told him that I think it would be best if I moved into a separate room because i cant and wont tolerate not being the number one love in his life. I needed some time for myself. I think it crushed him but as I said in my last post he doesn't show emotion I also told him that if he leaves then he's free to go she can have him but he will not dare set foot back into my life again. I was actually neutral (unintentionally) all while talking to him. Well his daughters bday is on the 9th and the BM of his son's Bday(the ex he's been writing the letters to) is on the 10th of this month. I helped him get gifts for his daughter and then caught him sneaking money to his ex by mail and I confronted him about it of course he denied it and he went to explaining himself to me and he's been in explaining mode ever since while looking teary eyed. I think I'm gonna go ahead with NC after all not for the sake of getting him back but more of preparing my heart for him to walk out the door


11/3/06
Well today was kind of awkward I went to him and we had a heart to heart in a sense.
From the questions that I asked him the basic replies were he loves me and wants to work it out with me. I am considered to be the woman in his life and I make him very happy but he doesnt know if he is willing to do what it takes to work things out and doesn't know if he would participate in any form of MC even when I told him that we can do correspondent MC through the internet. I made him aware that we would not be able to solve this problem on our own and even told him that I will be taking it upon myself to bring the e books and things home with me and it would be up to him to help me help us.
He says that she does know that him and I moved on with our lives together and she knows that we presently live together. He's Not in love with her but does love her only for the sake of his child he misses his child and didn't send her money for her bday.
I informed him that i was going to call and talk to her myself to get confirmation that he was telling the truth about the situation and also set up a formal agreement on child support payments because it's not done through the court system and he said ok knowing that I'm seriously going to call her.
I don't feel that this child may even be his because of the shadiness of the situation. No formal child support and no formal visitation and neither will go to court and file for child support. She already has 2 outside children that currently live with the biological father.
When i asked him if he was hoping to have a relationship in the future with her he replied "She's doing her thing and I'm doing mine." When I asked what that meant exactly he repeated the above reply and added "as far as the way I feel now no i don't want to be with her but i don't know what the future holds I'm not a psychic and i cannot predict the future with either situation."(meaning me or her)
When I asked him if he meant what he said about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me he wouldn't answer and said that I was really beginning to get on his nerves so i dropped the conversation right then and there. I ended the conversation with me needing more time to think still sleeping in separate rooms so I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing this.
he does know that he will owe quite a bit back child support and the issue is that I want everything addressed and HE doesn't.

11/4/06
I think I messed up today. I was triggered by him sneaking which I think is another letter to her in his back pocket while he was getting ready for work. So, in the car I asked him if we had the same form of contact with his son that we do with his daughter would it change the way that he's feeling and he answered "NO" then I asked if I should just prepare for him to leave and he responded with "you should've asked those questions along with the rest yesterday" and he wouldn't answer and then I began to freak out and practically started begging him for an answer. I recognized that i was making myself look very needy and when we arrived at his job he got out of the car without a word. He's at work now so I'm able to have some alone time for myself. as I said before he is refusing MC/RC of any kind and as far as boundaries I have adressed this issue with him before but obviously the boundaries that were set was overlooked by him. I haven't spoken to her yet. When talking to him or trying to discuss things with him it's kind of like talking to a brick wall at this point. I hardly ever get a response out of him. Part of me wants to just kick him out and move on but then another part doesn't want to go until I KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt that I've tried everything that there is to try. And I don't think that I could just kick him out like that especially knowing that I was the one that moved him to a different state where he knows no one and has no one but me.
But then again if I don't leave him I believe that he'll end up leaving me stuck with the finances to pay. at this point
I don't know whether to go with charging neutral writing a plan B letter or what because he's not willing to compromise or sacrifice anything right now?
How do i confront him about these letters even though i was snooping when i found them? Should i contact the OW and let her know the truth?
I don't get it though why is he acting so sad when its what he wants. Why is he explaining? Is that normal? Then again why is he dodging certain ?’s and issues that I ask him?