Background...

Had been having some M problems. WH moved out to "see if we could work on our M". Found out WH was having A. D day 7 months ago. OW moved in with him 3 weeks later. I filed for D mostly for financial reasons. D should be final in a few months. Not something I really want.

I think I did a pretty good plan A, even though WH was not living home. Got myself together. Lost almost 70 pounds. Call it the "infidelity diet". Got the house in order too. WH never mentioned/noticed either.

WH living with OW now for 7 months. She is 17 years younger. Just got her D a few weeks ago.

I've exposed to everyone. No impact. WH just signed a longer lease with OW on it. Seems very content.

Had a family function Friday night. WH was there. Very cordial to me. Sat next to me like nothing is going on. It took me every ounce of strength to stay the whole evening. Very difficult to be near him, knowing he's sleeping with her, living like husband and wife, and showing no remorse what so ever. He still hasn't admitted it's an A. Claims they are just "roomies"

I sent PBL explaining to him I wanted to work on M etc. No response. It's hard to be completely dark as we have kids and I have no one to be a 3rd party for visitation etc.

I hate to be so gloomy, but maybe it's time to give up and move on. You can't make someone love you if they don't want to. Nor come back to you if they don't want to. (Got that tidbit from my IC).

I truly believe they are very happy together and he's gone for good.

Thanks for listening.

He's living with another woman and has no remorse. Is it over? Yes! At least you can't sit around waiting for him to "wake up".

So sorry you're going through this.

It's said on here all the time and it is a lot harder to actually do than to say. It is reality, though: carry on with your life and improve yourself. He has power over you when you waste any mental energy on him. I have had the same problem with my ex.

We empower them by thinking about them and what they may be doing. We keep ourselves from living and only punish ourselves in the process.

He's carrying on happy with his life while you are longing and hoping. I know. I've been there.

Keep the weight loss going. Keep improving yourself. He may or may not ever notice or care, but the odds are that someday he'll regret what he's done. Could be in a few months, could be in a few years. What will you do? Wait?

Heck no! Don't wait. Start living. He's keeping you from living.

It's hard, it hurts, and it stinks. I know. I've been there. Still could be there, for all I know. I feel like I'm moving on, but don't doubt I'll regress sometime in the future. It's only human.

Come here when you need to and we'll help lift you. Be strong and hang in there.

So sorry you are going thru this~
The best is yet to come for you.
I guess his part of YOUR STORY {LIFE} is over....you can have a better one.
Keeping you in my prayers.

I know I have to get it through my head that it is over. I mean the signs are there. I guess I'm still hoping that he will wake up and say what the heck have I done.

Guess that's asking for too much.

I'm tired of people telling me to do things for me and the kids, get on with my life, don't give him the power over me. I know they mean well and it is all so true, but I just don't want to hear it I guess.

It's so not fair that he's happy and I'm not, and I didn't ask for any of this to happen.

I'm on AD's. Who knows if they are helping?

I know pity party time, but I can't help it. I so want my old life back. I don't want to start over again. I thought I would grow old with him and my kids would have a 2 parent household.

He's messed up my life and my kids lives. So why do I let him?

God only knows.

I have been where you are. You're grieving. It's a process and it is normal. Just don't get stuck where you are and not let yourself move forward.

To quote Baz Lurman:

"Don't be wreckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are wreckless with yours."

"Worrying is like trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum."

Grieve your loss. Let yourself grieve and let people know that's what you're doing. Your goal is to get to the point where you feel what they're suggesting. Some will understand, others may not.

I grieved my old life for a long time and still wish things hadn't turned out how they did, but as Dr. Phil would say, "How has worrying and longing worked out for you?"

You'll be in pain for a while, but know that it will pass. AD's don't help for squat in situations like this. At least I don't think they do. You depression comes from a situation. It resolves itself over time.

Know, however, that you won't progress unless you make the effort to on your part. Fake it till you make it.

Again, so sorry that you are in constant pain.

My sitch is similiar to yours. Husband lives with 23 y.o. in total bliss. From all his (and his family's) actions I am dead to him. I have wasted too much time and energy hoping that he's thinking of me or better yet analyzing any action or non action as him being on the brink of coming home.

The truth stands in his actions....I am dead to him. He spends no time or energy protecting me or my heart.
Truly detach your actions and thoughts from his.

I am making the efforts and I have far more good days than bad.

I am slowly rebuilding a new life.
I too longed for a 2 parent home. But I truly believe that the lessons they learn from me in honesty and God's way are much more important than having a man coming home every night. Would it be a relationship I would want them to model in the future?
I am trying to keep my kids as close as possible. To learn the lessons of the ethical.
Which is hard when daddy buys their love weekly.

I am moving on. I spend my free time flipping thru home magazines to explore how I want to decorate (not a compromise).

Outsiders may want to push you into finding your own mate but I have found that I am a stronger person than that.
I don't have any major voids in my life that I need another to fill. I have a lot of love from others that is real and lasting. Those will be the example that I would have them mimic.

God help us all in these ugly times.
Good Luck.

mcm,

The weird part is, is like I am not dead to him. I am in plan B, but we had to attend a family function Friday. He was there. Sat next to me, was very cordial. Talked about work etc. Kind of like old times.

How do I figure that out?

The truth is, I am lonely. The holidays are coming up. I want him home with the kids on Christmas morning.

I heard him talking to someone Friday and he's planning on making Thanksgiving at his house. Guess for him and mistress. That hurts me. That was our favorite holiday!

I am in IC and am told to move on. Stop pining for him. He's not pining for me! I can't. I am having such a hard time it's not even funny. Why can't he see what he left, his family?

I know I am wasting time and energy thining about him. He obviously is not thinking about us. But I just can't detatch.

Gosh, what is wrong with me!!?? I am so weak!

Doesn't sound like a very effective Plan B if you are sitting next to each other and being cordial.

In Plan B, if you absolutely HAD to be in the same place, you would NOT sit next to each other and chit chat.
You would place yourself as far as possible from him and not acknowledge him in any way.

Has this been true thoughout your Plan B?

You've fed into the whole "amicable divorce" ploy. It helps him justify everything. He is not feeling the pain.

Yes I agree. We have been amicable and he probably is not feeling it. I don't have anyone to take the kids to him, so at visitation, he comes here to pick them up. He still sees me. I try and have them ready before he comes and have them wait outside, but last time was Halloween and he came in the house.

As far as sitting next to him. It was assigned seating at the function. We sat at the same table. He arrived a bit late and the only seat left was next to me. I guess I should have moved.

I need to be stronger in my plan B, I know. I guess I'm slipping in a selfish way just so *I* get my fix of him. Sick huh?

You are not weak. It takes a very strong person to endure the pain that you have endured. To attend a family function and keep a stiff upper lip with him sitting right next to you takes the strength of an army.

Please don't take his being cordial as anything other than an evening of cake eating. He's not lonely. He has someone else there.

Can you see that you are feeling the impending stress of the holidays? In good times and in bad there are always increases of pressure at this time of year, so it's only natural that you are spending your time mourning what could have been. But you are in control of stopping that.

Can you start a new family tradition? Plan some type of family game, trip, volunteer work, 5K/family fun walk...for Thanksgiving/day b4/day after? Something that will take considerable thought and/or planning instead of playing out scenerios in your head.

All these milestone dates are a huge pill to swallow. I hate them. We don't know how they are taking them either but the bottom line is it doesn't matter! So let him plan his butt off to try to recapture your fav holiday (which he won't be able to do!). And you claim this as your own. Act don't react!

Nothing is wrong with you! You have a warm, beating heart and can't turn it on and off. You get to keep that with you no matter what happens.

good luck.
we're all here.

Catgirl... I can so relate... I am there been there done that... my ex and I actually now get along after four years but he broke up with the original OW and went right on to the next one - now he is moving in with her... yet I still am with no one at all... and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me as does everyone else... I still hold on to the hope that someday he will figure out what he did was wrong.. and you know I dont' even want "HIM" back - I want our life back but not him.. so really and truly don't beat yourself up.. and congratulations one the weight loss.. how long were you together???

(((((((catgirl)))))))

I understand the pain that you are feeling right now, and the barage of thoughts going through your head about what was 'ours'. I'm so sorry for the pain that is continuing to hold you down.

The only suggestion that I have is to really be DARK in Plan B. AVOID WH at all costs. How old are the young ones? Can WH pick them up at the door without you there? That is what I do, my son is 4yo. Do you have any friends that can help out? Do you have an intermediary?

You need to get to the point where you understand that the 'fix' you are getting is not from the one you love. Of course he is going to be nice when sitting next to you. He doesn't want anyone to know how much of a cad he is. His way leads people to believe that you are okay with the separation. Are you okay with the separation? NO, well, ACT as you feel. It will help you to really realize that your desperation comes from wanting H, not the WH you are faced with. If you can get REAL separation, DARKNESS, you will start to SEE things as they are, not as you 'pine' for them to be. It STINKS!!!, but the alternative is causing YOURSELF more pain than you need.

I'm looking forward to the holidays, I know I will be sad at times, but mostly, I look forward to having fun with my son and family and friends. Please think about what people are trying to say. The best thing to do is not SEE or HEAR this man. Then, the pain will begin to fade and your own FOG will lift, and you will begin to find your way.

Thanks to all. With dating and all, we were together 19 years.

I really don't have anyone here to act as an intermediary. I try and have the kids who are old enough, to wait on the porch for him to come. When, he shows.

Yes, it was very hard sitting next to him at the function. Everyone at the table knew he is having an A. Looking at him makes me sick sometimes to know that he is having sex with her, but still M to me. A person at the table told me later that I should give him credit for even showing up. How must he feel being there knowing everyone knows what he's doing. Please! He still hasn't admnitted to me he's in an A! Says they are roomies only.

I know I am thick headed and want what I want no matter what. I know I need to listen to the pros here. I guess I'm doing the biggest no no, in that thinking that plan B will bring him back to me. I know that's not what plan B is for. It is for me, but I've read here that when others were in plan B, the WS saw what they were missing and came back.

Honestly I don't think WH will care. He has OW now, he could care less about me. Again, I know Plan B isn't for him, but sometimes I just wonder why bother? He has her, I need to accept that. Will not seeing him or dealing with him make it any easier in the long run? I have to accept that he wants her and not me.

I know I am in a fog, but I think I've just given up. Not soemthing I do easily, but I have nothing left. I'm spent.

It's okay to give up on dealing with WH right now, but it is never okay to give up on yourself. You have kids that need a happy mom. The emotions you are dealing with and how you SHOW them will affect your children, so maybe think of that with your Plan B.

I really TOTALLY understand your missing your H, and I hear you outwardly rationalizing that he is gone, and internalizing all of this pain. I just want for you to be able to step outside of the sitch for a while. Let WH pick them up outside the house. You can wait until you see his car approach and have them approach his vehicle, not him approach the door.

Re-read your plan B letter. Redirect your course. You will come out of the other side of this happy again. It will happen. Time is your friend here. He may come back, he may not, and I know how hard it is to deal with the latter, but you will be happy again.

Again, I know Plan B isn't for him, but sometimes I just wonder why bother? He has her, I need to accept that. Will not seeing him or dealing with him make it any easier in the long run? I have to accept that he wants her and not me.


Why bother? Because you deserve to heal and be happy, and if this man is not there for you, don't make yourself available to him, he DOES want you to be available, he wants to quell his guilt, and even get to see his W (get his family/Wife fix). He hasn't really felt what it is like to be on his own, because you enable him. STOP today. Let him feel the full ramifications of his choice. Not seeing him or dealing with him WILL be easier in the long run. Please believe me, I'm speaking out of my own Plan B. You don't have to accept anything about someone you don't know, and you don't know this man, but you do have to accept that you are on your own again. You are NOT alone. There is a big difference. Start today and go DARK. Out of sight, out of mind.

Silent,

Thanks, I really needed your pep talk.

I guess I'm just confused over doing a good plan B. I thought I was, then things happen, I see him when he comes for the kids, at functions, etc. amd I blow it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as I said I guess I am confused.

You said that he really hasn't felt what it is like being on his own. I think he has. He's been livng with OW in his apt. now for 6 mos. Put her on his lease. She just got D'd 2 weeks ago. They are redecorating the apt. I heard like there's no tomorrow. How can he not feel what it's like to be on his own? I think he loves it! I hear he's gotten big ticket items for his apt. that we never had here...52" screen TV etc. He'll never want to come back here. It's like he's single with all of his toys that I wouldn't let him have because we couldn't afford it. OW is letting him have it and he's loving it.

Am I thinking wrongly about this?

The fact that you know so much about what is going on with WH is a concern. Again, Plan B, complete darkness. He gets absolutely nothing from you. He doesn't hear from your friends of family that you have had conversations about him; as Mimi has said so eloquently, after a bit of time, it's as if WH doesn't exist.

You are not thinking wrongly when you think how selfish and destructive WH and OW are for forgetting about everyone else in existence just to feed their happiness. WH does not know this woman like he knows you; yes he may be fine now, but the ugly dragon of reality will rear it's two heads soon enough. He may seem outwardly happy, and maybe so for now, but those demons residing in his soul will eventually affect him.

He may never come home, but do you want to wait forever. Try giving yourself milestones, things to achieve, for yourself. Maybe a project, maybe an emotional state. You will get there. You can do this. Don't talk to your kids about dad; answer their questions as best you can and tell them to ask their father if they need info about him. Also, do not discuss with children WH's home, things, stuff, it's all horribly unimportant.

You are not thinking wrong; but you are acting wrong. Stop allowing information about WH to trickle down to you, only you can do this. It takes some strength, but once you institute it, you WILL feel better.

In the end, who gives a [email]D@MN[/email] about what those two are doing, worry about what this is doing to kids, and you. Separate yourself from it, deny the information, find support. You are grieving, but you are stuck. Maybe read about the grieving process, see where YOU are.

I'll be around throughout the day, and tomorrow and the next day...

Silent,

Thanks so much for being here for me. I know I need to listen to the pros. Even my IC tells me I am spending way too much time thinking and wondering about WH and OW. I doubt they are thinking about me! It's just so hard to let go.

I find out what is going on with him from the kids. When he takes them he tells them stuff and then they tell me. Then who knows what the kids are telling him about me and my life, so he is still getting his fix. I tell them not to mention much to their Dad, but who knows?

Our D should be final early next year. Something I really don't want. Did so for financial reasons and a part of me did it to maybe wake him up to see what he was doing. That backfired. I think it drove him closer to OW as she filed for her D right after I served him the papers. Funny her D got done before ours and she filed after we did!

I just think that if he really wanted to come back to us, he would have by now and not let the D continue. Or it could be his pride. Who knows? He knows I would forgive him.

I guess I just feel like a piece of you know what. That he wants her over me. Deflated ego I guess. She's not even that pretty and fatter than I am! LOL. Then I feel like she has victory over me in that she got what I wanted. I know she feels that way, like ha ha, I got him you don't. He prefers me over you! Yeah I know who wants a WH anyway, I want my "H" back. But at this function Friday I saw some of my "H" and it was nice.

I am not a vengeful person, but I so want WH to get his. He has put our family through such he**, yet he's not feeling anything but joy. I know you say that reality will rear it's head. I just don't see that happening. It's been 6 mos. living with OW and as far as I can tell he's very happy. When will it be his turn to feel the pain?

I know that is mean, but I wasn't the one who cheated, I wasn't the one who left my kids, yet I'm in pain and he's not. What's wrong with that picture?

O.K enough feeling sorry for myself. I will so try to do what you say. It's just so hard. I know what I have to do, just doing it is another thing.

How do *you* do it?

Catgirl,

Let me scold you for a second. DON'T USE YOUR KIDS TO GET INTEL! This is very hurtful to them. When you think about easing your own pain by hearing about your WH from your kids, think about the fact that you're hurting them. This is horrible to go through as a kid. I went through it myself.

If they start volunteering info about dad, change the subject. Say, "let's talk about school/sports/games/TV" and be cheerful. Kids hate seeing parents suffer. Don't ask them about your ex and talk to him about this. This is beyond you and him and plan b and anything else. This is of such importance that it warrants breaking any plan b to do it. He shouldn't be telling them things about his personal life or using them to send messages to you. You and him are abusing your kids if you do this. That's no exageration. Set your feelings aside for them.

I say that knowing exactly what you're going through. It is very tempting to do. Please make a conscious effort not to do it anymore.

Be strong, you'll get through this. Join Divorce Care and keep posting on here. Look up divorce care on the internet. Use it. It's done great things for me.

God bless.

Catgirl,

You will be okay. It WILL take time, but you must start today.

Sit the kids down and explain to them that hearing about your WH's relationship with OW is hurtful and you no longer want to speak of it. Let the kids know how much you love them, and that your request has nothing to do with them. Allow your children to question you on this, and give them straight answers that only involve "I" statements. Happily discuss what they did during their time with daddy, but not about OW or what they bought or how happy they are.

Feeling anger toward someone who has hurt you in a way NO other can or ever will is okay. Allowing more slights against you is not. It is wholly unfair that you are living the fallout of all of this, boy don't I know it, but you will be okay, you just have to trust the people here and the Harley's; it really does help.



Hmmmm, actually a tough question. I have my bad moments, it used to be bad days. I do still feel sad/melancholy about the loss, but I am actively grieving, not sitting in one spot. I have begun to do things around the house. I cleaned up my basement and set up my workout equipment. I hit my heavy bag and jump rope and lift weights and dance to music. It's not much and not often enough right now, but I feel markedly better than a month ago. BE SELFISH!!!Look up my thread and you will see. I was still asking about hoping for WH to come home. I was still clinging to it.

I've been apart from him long enough to realize that I had lost myself amongst the CRAP. I wasn't living, just existing, as you are now. The truth is, I asked lots of questions here, kept posting, and LET TIME PASS IN TRUE PLAN B. I know that's not what you want to hear. No MAGIC PILL, just time and distance from WH. I no longer want the person I last saw; I miss my true husband, but don't know if he exists any longer. I shop with friends/family, I go out occassionally, I watch TV, read, go to work, blah, blah. Pretty regular stuff. I don't do anything I DON'T want to.

I cry when I need to, I scream when that comes, I laugh again. REALLY LAUGH. Give it time, but do a good Plan B. You need this now.

The truth is that your marriage will have a chance as long as you want, but you may find yourself moving on without really thinking of it anymore. Give it time.

I don't agree with this. You shouldn't pump the kids for information, but neither do you have to change the subject if they want to talk about their father or their time with him. It's a part of their lives, and I personally want my kids to feel free to discuss any part of their lives with me, no matter how awful it may be to hear that dad got a new boat or a tattoo or whatever news they come home with.