Lunamare's thread has made me confess - met WH last week for coffee as he wanted to talk about disposal of the house. Previous threads of mine show how I resisted all other attempts - but I gave in, call me a dummy but I was lulled. I suppose part of me hoped that he would tell me what I wanted to hear - but he didn't and we discussed all and sundry about what I had been up to for the last year, sav eone month. I broached the subject of the house and he wants to meet again.........

Hi chivers,



...how did he do that?....how do you feel after having met him?



...do you intend to? Are you ready to move on?

...I am sorry...but I don't know your story...maybe you can direct me to your thread...

My advice:

Return to the safety and sanity of plan B darkness immediately

Every single time I broke plan B darkness i regretted it.

Do NOT give him updates on your life!!! Let him wonder/worry. ONLY IF/WHEN he proves he is ready to do aLL that is needed for true reconciliation AND be accountable to you, should you give any info to him about yourself.

Boundaries: He wants to keep you sort of on call in case he might ever want you again BUT he doesn't want to allow you any such security. Meanwhile if YOU were to try to contact him to question what he's been up to you can bet he'd tell you it's none of your business anymore. He wants his freedom but doesn't want to grant you yours.

Don't fall for that garbage.

He is not currently capable or willing of saying what you want to hear - so do NOT listen to anything he has to say until he's ready!

meanwhile he will just continue to let you down and hurt you.

Somebody here once advised me to go "night vision dark".
It was advice that too many times I failed to take.

You bet he wants to meet again (to discuss the house...)
communicate ONLY through an intermediary. Do NOT let him think he can have you in any way minus the needed committment and changes!

SWIFTLY return to Plan B and stay dark. NO information about you. Now he's gotten his fix and he's asking for more by trying to set up another 'meeting'. Wasn't the purpose of the meeting supposed to be about the house? Well, it turned into a discussion about you. Hmmm, he got you there! There is no need to 'meet' about your home. Where is your intermediary?

You know that you've set yourself back here, so you can swat yourself with the 2x4. Now, get back to Plan B safety.

If you get a chance, read Mortarman's admonitions to me on in my story which I recently posted. HIS ADVICE TO ME WAS PRICELESS..like a GOD SEND....

Breaking PLAN B, definitely PROLONGED and ENABLED my H's affair.

He would get his FIX from me...feel better again..and fall more deeply for her...

YUCK...

Listen to us...

Don't meet with him again...

Mimi..who understands but highly regrets her PLAN B BREAKS...

(((((CHIV)))))

Thanks for your advice - I know, I know - no excuses - and I am not as 'sorted' as thought I was. I thought that this may be the time that he was coming out of the 'fog' and just one meeting would do it for us. I could excuse my actions say I am still lonely - with no real network of support, and I miss the man that I married - but as you said he got his fix of me and feels that he is back in control and can run back to his fellow fantasist.

Chivers...



...think you got busted by the PLAN B patrolwoman SL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />....me thinks you better do as she says!

Nothing good can come from contact with WS....and each time PLAN B is broken....means WS will take BS, and conditions, less seriously....

Similar timeline to you - WH moved 200 miles away to new senior post in June 2004 - I moved six months later - no friends or support and difficult new job too. WH (Director) had started relationship with OW Head of HR!!! - confirmed their relationship in May 2005 - exposed and Plan A'd until december 2005 - no one at work would help. Met OW partner and we did simultaneous Plan A - but he never moved on to Plan B - I did and letter sent and WH moved out - in Plan B and totally dark until July when he came across me at work - we work for same local authority - WH has written letters to me since beginning of Plan B. Him and OW have lied and kept relationship secret to secure their jobs - I have received no support and had to get on with things. Met in 1989, lived together from 1992 and married in 2001, me 46 WH 44

There is nothing WRONG about what you did, Chivers. It is all UNDERSTANDABLE...speaks to how the OW is not able to meet all of his needs...speaks to the value and purpose of PLAN B....

You can now EASILY go back into the DARKNESS...

He will try to contact you again and when you do not respond you will have REGAINED CONTROL....

Remember that he is basically OUT OF CONTROL....

Luna,

My old Drill Seargent would be so happy to hear I'm still so dang bossy!

Chivers,
I'm sorry to hear that your 'real' support network is non-existent, but we are here, we're your network, so come to us when he suggests meeting and we'll help you BEFORE you let temptation win! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Chivers,

Let's see if it might help you if you have to be....accountable to us for your actions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

....I am pretty sure you can count on SL to keep you 'in line' in what I believe to be properly named... the 'narrow path' of personal or M recovery!

As I have said somewhere before...PLAN B is SIMPLE...but not necessarily EASY to do...would you agree with that Chivers? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now...dust yourself off....and get back on that horse!

...and before consenting to meet with WS....come and visit here....you might be asked to answer some questions first...for your own good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

(((((((((CHIVERS)))))))))

Hi Chivers,

What's up?

Back into Plan B I hope?

Remember, if he really wants to discuss something about the
house, that can be done through an intermediary.

Stay strong - and silent!

Chivers??? Are you out there??

Just wondering how you are doing....

Chivers

So when r u planning to expose to the corporate office?

L.

Hey chivers,

Just checkin in to see how things are going...

Back in the saddle - gone dark again - but had to endure OW swaggering (literally) into a meeting room I was using at work - she has some front I can tell you. Also seen WH from a distance too - we all work for the same large local authority. In response to question about exposure - done it right up to the top - but given their seniority - their affair seems to have been accepted and, in reality, it would help if I was not around - as I am easier to replace. No contact from WH since meeting - which I must admit was a bit of a surprise - but he got his fill of my scintillating company - and can carry on with his fantasy.
Feel very low a lot of the time at the moment - and was crushed to hear that he is planning to buy a house with OW - I guess that's why he is asking for me to get on with sorting things out concerning our home. I am doing nothing about it too hastily until I am ready - but guess it is inevitable that I will lose my home.

Chivers,
Sorry to hear about having to work around those two. I totally understand how low you are feeling right now, and I think that is normal, as I am having the same problem.

Take your time with arrangments regarding any financial obligations that the two of you have together. Seek information from a lawyer about this; it will at least give you somewhere to start and a little more peace of mind.

BTW, these two are not soulmates, they are mates, probably not even good ones. They are seeing and sharing the things that they want to see right now, there is no basis in reality. A good relationship is one that easily continues, despite all of the 'real' stuff that you have to deal with in life.

You are going to be okay; I know that it doesn't feel like that now, but you will.