Its been awhile sibce I posted anything. I had my fourth child 3 months ago now. The OW relocated in July and my WH went to her on her bday in August. To my knowledge there has been NC since. The thing is-I'm really angry and having a very difficult time moving on. I can't trust him anymore. How do you believe someone loves you after an A? Especially when they tell you outright that they would probably have become "friends" again if OW had not left. I'm so scared and still so hurt. Our anniversary is coming up and he told me that he doesn't know what to get me but that he knows the perfect gift for her.He never did anything to end the A- in fact her BF was the one who ended it in May. I regret not making him leave while the A was in progress. Is this a sign? I don't know how to let this go. Most of the time I think we'd be better off divorced. Is itt the hurt talking or reality? Any advice on how to tell?

Mellysue

MellySue,

This makes ME very ANGRY!!

How can you be anywhere near letting "this" go when your little boy (WH) says "" he told me that he doesn't know what to get me but that he knows the perfect gift for her.""

Is he remorseful?? Sorry it happened?? If he went to see her in August, and he says these hurtful things to you, why would you think there is any NC?

""Is this a sign?"" IT'S A SIGN ALL RIGHT!! That there may still be contact.

""Is itt the hurt talking or reality?"" WHO'S HURT??...and who's reality.

With a 7 week old and 3 little ones...that's reality. You sure don't need a spoiled little brat saying those hurtful things to you.

Stay very strong and I pray you make it through this.

krk

So any advice as to what my next move should be? WH says he's making a conscious choice not to see her but it seems to me that it should be more than that. He says he's sorry and if he could take it back he would but it seems less than genuine. Sometimes. But I wanted to get past this but it keeps coming up. We've been married for 6 years and he knew the OW for 9 months. How can it be that we can't get passed it. He of course wants to "wipe the slate clean" of all past mistakes i.e he thought I didn't like him anymore and I asked him to move out toward the end of the A. I haven't been perfect but I tried to reach out to him over and over and he refused. Then after he went to see her in August two weeks after the baby was born he came home with some kind of renewed faith in our marriage that just hours ago he was telling me was over. He claims to have had good intentions with the OW-he was trying to be a good friend but I was on bedrest and a heart monitor and he never managed to even check on me. And yet if she called in sick he always called to check on her. He says that if I decide to get a divorce it will be because we just weren't meant to be. It just seems that what has been done is unforgivable and I feel like a fool. Even his coworkers make reference to how much he cared for the OW. I foolishly thought we'd find a way that he'd see how his relationship was hurting us but I guess I was wrong


Mellysue

MellySue,

""But I wanted to get past this but it keeps coming up. We've been married for 6 years and he knew the OW for 9 months. How can it be that we can't get passed it.""

My Dday was May of 2004. I don't know if I am "past it" even now. I don't think you ever get "past it".

I can deal with it much better and can live with it as we both continue to grow back together.

I think you should resign yourself to a long rollercoaster ride up ups and downs while you TRY to get 'past it"

I know of no quick fix for adultery with the exception of course of divorce.

It would be easier also, if your WH would commit to rebuilding your relationship. From what you are posting it doesn't sound like his heart is in it.

krk

I am no expert in this, but I did however "live" through the birth of my youngest boy while my H was still having his A. He was living at his brother's house & having a blast, while I sat home with early signs of contractions, wacked out hormones, etc. My son was born 2 months premature & the reasons for that were obvious. My H did come home when the baby came home but we were miserable. He was only there out of guilt. I can understand how you feel. He did stay in the hospital with me but with some coaxing, actually I wasn't sure what it even had to be questionable, but then again I guess I wasn't the one having the A. The morning my son was born, at 5 a.m. my H got up from his rollaway bed & said he was going to work...Work I said?, I think I am going to have this baby today. Sure enough as he stood there with his coat on & ready to go, the nurse told me that it would only be a matter of time. Sometimes I even regret allowing him to stay in the delivery. Not only because he was ready to walk out but he didn't even care about me!, showed nothing! I actually had to reach out for him to hold my hand! How sorry is that?! He has been home for 2 months now. We sleep in separate rooms & frankly we have a long road ahead of us. NC is in the early stages, but I'm hopeful that it will continue. Good luck. K

I had the same experience. My H watched as I almost lost our baby. And this was after a miscarriage 3 months before my last pregnancy. I do also regret allowing him to stay as he picked out his new apartment the day before my scheduled c-section. As a matter of fact the last thing he told me before they took me in for surgery was that our marriage was over. And his explanation was that he had hurt me too much with his A but in the same breath told me he had forgotten how much he had hurt me during the A. Crazy, huh? Even now he doesn't seem to really want to do the work he just figures I should forgive him and call it a day. He accepts responsibility only to pawn to it off in the next sentence. I'm so confused. I just feel like such an idiot. Thank you so much for your help and advice-I don't have too many people to talk to about this.

Mellysue

Have you read some of the books -- HNHN and SAA?

Have you been to MC, or called the Harley's?

You need a recovery plan .... set, specific actions that you both need to take in order to build a new, happy, trusting marriage.

Reading the books, and the articles here, talking to the Harley's, and listening to some of the pro's around here can help you get a plan in place.

The good news is that you have a little bit of a start, since the A is already broken up. There's a lot of work to do from there, though. Don't slow down yet.


-AmI.