Of course, when he found out he didn't want to go. I don't blame him. His father said it was what we needed...a long time ago {time together that is}
My H mentioned that we should go ~ but stated
"I feel claustrophobic there as it is...it may not be a good idea."
I told him the last thing I want to do is make him feel anymore closed in. I told him to take a friend.

Well, I guess it's decided now that we are going....and I am a nervous wreck!!!!

I'm asking for advice: Like I've mentioned before there's this whole....
I don't want to smother him issue, and I don't want to act like "nothing ever happened" but I don't want to dwell on it either.

We've talked a little about what we would do there...mainly just eat and drink, hang out on the beach. He doesn't like to walk to much, last time I went on a 16 mile walk...alone.
We plan on going to the gym together....
The small zoo they have.......
I told him "Well make NEW GOOD MEMORIES to SMOTHER the bad one." {don't make fun of me....it just popped into my head}
Believe me, I need to be the one to comfort him and not ask for anything in return...but "secretly hope and pray" he realizes.....
I do want only him....I feel like I'm 1/2 a person without him, I can't imagine looking over across our bed and not seeing him there or to know ...if he left....he would never be a phone call away again.
How can I convince him......? In a STRANGE way...this made me fall deeper in love with him??? I never knew how much he loved me......he drive to work and hang out at the bars always took first place to me. Now I see him almost everyday for lunch. and much earlier in the evenings. BUT now since it's so out of his character to do that I'm nervous that he'll be unhappy.
Gotta' keep trusting in my heavenly Father...why didn't I go to HIM sooner???? Before I made the biggest mistake of my life.

How can you convince him??

Time. Honesty. Commitment. Day-by-day. He has to see this over time. And to be honest...it will take a long time!

But each day you do this, the "one bad one" will be further and further in his rearview mirror. And only time can allow you all to move away from it.

Steady as she goes.

Yes ~ we can't rush the clock...I sure wish we could. Seems as though HE'S expecting to FEEL better than he does.

Thank you for your input.

I think a vacation such as you are planning is an absolutely excellent idea. You are correct that this trip will create new memories to smoother the old ones. Perfectly said and the truth.

Keep him safe and you will slowly begin to reconnect. You let yourself down and consequently let him down in the process but I urge you to focus on who you are NOW, not who you were in those self-destructive days.

While you are on your trip take comfort in this second chance that you are being afforded. Do not let him have any time by himself and above all, do not have any fear to discuss the past events. He will search for meaning in what happened when there is none and the only thing that will be real is that you are there with him.

He may falter, he may wavier but he will know that it is him that you most desire because of your mantra, “I am going nowhere, I am staying here, with you.” If you say it often enough and at the right times he will begin to believe it and your love for each other will begin to develop new meaning. I know you have great fear but I will suggest to you that you are on cusp of discovering how meaningful your marriage can really become.

Have a good time, remember to laugh and keep your sense of humor at the forefront. As the Mortarman said, “Steady as she goes”.

Mr. G

Mortarman and Mr.Goodstuff:

Means so much that you have responded. Thank you for the advice ~ My Husband giving me a second chance is truly a gift.....

In the past, I have read books out loud to him. {He can read ...LOL....just his eyes don't work well together and he enjoys listening to me}

Do you have any suggestions for books? Not....marriage related for the vacation...I'd like to focus on US right now ...not the past.

I hope you enjoy your vacation. Be cautious that a few drinks might take him to a darker place.

Are you currently engaged in any type of counseling either with or without your husband? I ask because it seems that you might particularly benefit from some solid counseling in view of your past. I might think that there are some healthy gains to be made from that approach. I have noted that you were betrayed by your father and your sister and I wonder how you have processed those experiences to maintain a healthy outlook on life.

Let me ask this question, has your husband been more attentive or more involved in the marriage since discovery? I ask because you had mentioned how this event surfaced your deep and profound love that you had for your husband and I wonder if he experienced anything similar.

Some other things I’m wondering about.

What are your husband’s most important emotional needs?

How does the “giver / taker” operate in your relationship?

Do you have an active and rewarding sex life?

Does he believe in marriage counseling?

Your answers might provide additional insights into the working “gears” of your marriage.

Mr. G

I have my first counseling app. ever today. He doesn't believe in counseling. My past....sure it has affected me in more ways than I know.
His emotional needs...that's a good question....hmmmm...supporting him in his activities....I'm not sure. Being there for his/our business?

Giver/Taker: We go thru WAVES of time where one spouse does so much more than the other. We have so much going and have been through so much with the kids....that we seemed to just be getting by and going thru the day...just to do it all over again

Sex life: Oh...that's a biggie....on His time....has always made me feel good....... {{Except for the past several years when he would use "sex talk" in the form of excitment. Saying things like picturing me with someone else....He used to reassure me it was just talk. Then it seemed as though he was more and more serious...and wouldn't assured until the morning if at all. I told him I didn't like it for the past 6 years...but consented...I felt as though he needed it. He states he thought i liked it. {{ i would think...."Hmmm what friend has he being hanging around this week....?? It was like friend of the week "virtually" in bed with us. PLEASE don't be offended...I really don't like spilling my guts...but I'm painfully aware it's the only way OUR marriage can recover.

The reason why I asked those questions is that the answers form the basis of what you mean to your husband and what he means to you. You see none of us are very adapt at reading minds so it becomes a dangerous practice for a spouse to ASSUME that they know how their partner feels about something without actually discussing it. You each have certain traits, behaviors, qualities and character makeup that are very important to who you are. What I am suggesting is that you and he have KEY “emotional needs”. The best part is that if you KNOW what those needs are (in you and him) then you potentially hold the key to his heart.

Often time we hope our partner discovers what is important to us without us having to tell them. I mean, after all, “Can’t he/she see how I feel?” Unfortunately, the answer is too often, “NO”, they can’t see or understand what or why you feel the way you do. Letting such feeling go unanswered leads to dangerous assumptions regarding the state of your relationship. Perhaps you may think that he doesn’t love you or care about you because he fails to see or understand that you are hurting. In fact he may care about you more then you know but his true feeling are lost in your “disrespectful judgment”. I am merely suggesting that you consider letting him off the hook and tell him what is important to you and he could consider doing likewise. That sounds like a healthy growing relationship of love to me, how about you?

Do you recall what initially attracted you to the other man? I am willing to bet that you had an unmet emotional need that this other man was able to answer. There is nothing wrong with you as we all have such needs. I might suggest however, that it would be much nicer to you’re your husband meet that need instead of some other guy. Additionally, if YOU know what your needs are then you become conscious when someone other then your husband is tapping into them. In other words, you are able to protect yourself from such intrusions. Affairs are not possible in such conditions.

Your answer to my initial question indicates that you may have not given much thought to emotional needs but I suspect that may soon change.

Most men have similar emotional needs and women have their set of similar emotional needs. Still in any particular marriage the most important needs vary a bit. Almost all affairs are born from those needs either being starved in the marriage or being met by someone outside of the marriage or both.

This web site lists those needs as follows, 1.) affection, 2.) sexual fulfillment, 3.) conversation, 4.) recreational companionship, 5.) honesty and openness, 6.) physical attractiveness, 7.) financial support, 8.) domestic support, 9.) family commitment, and 10.) admiration.

Somewhere in that list are the things that are most important to you and him. I hope you give much thought to this. I will suggest to you the “love” is nothing more then the generous exchange of loving actions that take place between two people; each action feeding on the next to form an inseparable and long lasting bond. I think you can guess that your MOST important emotional needs are the gateway for the exchange of these loving actions. What do you think?

I see that you have solicited help from a counselor. Perhaps this person will be able to provide you with additional insights into why and how you feel as you do. Perhaps this person will give you the tools to cope with your present situation and to further grow. Perhaps this person will help you to better relate to your husband so that your relationship with him will grow and prosper. Perhaps this person will give you the path to self-confidence to know that you are OK. I might suggest that you settle for nothing less. Ask a lot of questions and use your common sense to determine if this person is skilled enough to benefit you. Not all counselors have the gift to best benefit their clients so don’t be afraid to be discriminating in your review.

Finely, while I applaud your efforts to take the courage to improve yourself, you will find that it takes both husband and wife to reach the finish line, alas you cannot do it alone. I urge you to share your travels and growth with your husband so that he can likewise grow. I suspect that he has much to learn, certainly no less then you. One day he might surprise you and accompany you to a marriage counseling session. He thinks he is tough as nails but I assure you that he has all the frailties that ALL human beings have. While you get full credit for being the one to have the affair he appears to have responsibility in practicing poor relationship skills that have been detrimental to your marriage. In the meantime take care of yourself, ask a lot of questions and accept nothing less then personnel growth in your travels. It is YOU that matters. You must take care of YOU and I will suggest that everyone around you will benefit.

Mr. G

He did ask last night after I got home from the counselor..."Do they want me to go?" I said, "She left the door open for it." Then no response from him....then he asked, "Do you think it will help you?" I said, "Yes"