Hi,
I have been in a long-term committed (but not live together) relationship with a man who on occasion drinks to excess and then engages in criticism and angry outbursts. I have not asked him to stop drinking, but I have asked him to keep it to 2 drinks. He agreed but did not keep his word - based on that, I am concluding that he is an alcoholic. We have been together for nine years now, so we have both invested a lot in this relationship.
Right now we are at a low point, so I am looking for help, and trying to figure out how to procede. One of the main reasons that the relationship has not progressed is due to his behavior when drinking.
Is it best just to end the relationship and move on? I am considering whether to ask him to quit drinking, which I am sure he will not go for, because he will attribute the problems in the relationship to me, since he hasn't done anything seriously embarassing while drinking in the last year even though he still drinks and gets morose and difficult. Excuse the run-on sentence... He seriously loves and collects wine, so it is difficult to ask him to give that up.
Anyway, this is where reading the content of this site has led me. I guess I have answered my own question by writing - but any ideas. I will be seeing him tomorrow night and plan to try to talk about this with him then. (Hopefully he will not be half-way through a bottle of wine already when I arrive.)
Thanks for hearing this, whoever reads it. I have to log off and will log on again later.
J

jAN50 ,
WECOME ,
I also am an alcaholic. REMEMBER if he is an acaholic he cannot change that. That is part of him. You may make him stop . But it will always be there. BELIEVE ME ON THIS!!
I have not had a drink in years, I still would like a good stiff belt or two. If I had them I would be hooked all over again.
You can not change this, so you are the one that must accept it. You can change yourself.
but not him.It can't be done!!
0403

WOW,
I really can't believe that i am the [color:"red"] ONLY [/color] one that "is" or was an alcoholic.
May be every one is ashamed to talk of it. BUT The fact is that this liquid we swallow has messed up our lives ,and most every one we come in contact with.The only one that seems to win is the liquor store owner ,the enabler And the divorce lawers
[color:"red"]SO please step up & lets hear your story [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
0403

Hi 0403,
I tried to post again last night, but took too long and the post was lost.
I really appreciate hearing your story, and your perspective. You make a good point that I cannot change him.
I am interested the perspective of people who have had relationships with alcoholics with respect to the advice on this site, i.e. you can't negotiate with them to an enthusiastic joint agreement because they will always choose the alcohol. I see him as falling back into the same path- drinking to excess on occasion (abusing), but not actually addicted. Is this different?
He is otherwise a successful individual, and a wonderful person.
Thanks.
J

Jan50,
It's been that way for 9 yrs. Do you think he's going to change. I'm going to be very honest with you. Even if he were to stop today, and get help, it's a long road in recovery, and the behaviors often stay the same even after the drink is laid down. After the drink is gone, he will need to learn how to live and how to live without it.

You can choose to stay and be miserable with his drinking and abuse, or you can choose to go.

You have a better chance in leaving, you are not married to the man. God help you now.

Lady

Jan50,

My Ex is a 'problem' drinker - he left me when I cut down my own drinking ('I've lost my drinking buddy!') for a woman who enables him, and is obviously a better drinking buddy than me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Do you ever take a drink with him to make him happy? If so, you are enabling him. Do you ever phone his place of work and lie for him when he can't attend because he is hung over? If so, you are enabling him. I know that my ex drove to work on several occasions over the limit because he had drunk so much the night before, and I did nothing. Fortunately he never crashed. I couldn't have lived with myself if someone had been hurt because of my enabling.

I write this because these are things I did for my ex, before he left me. When he did leave, he blamed me for the drinking, told me that the OW had helped him stop drinking (a lie - he now drinks more than ever) and denied that he had ever really drunk to excess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He also promised to go and see a doctor when I said I didn't want the kids around the OW and their drinking. He has, to my knowledge, never done this.

My ex would drink almost every night, and not become abusive - he would just pass out in front of the TV. I can honestly say that the alcohol destroyed our marriage - not even the affair, really. You are not able to maintain affection, SF or any kind of connection when one of you is passed out every night.

Of course, he said it was me who neglected him when he left. Does any of this sound familiar?

In closing, all I can say is that you can't control your partner. Even the threat of losing his kids hasn't stopped my ex. He just doesn't care as long as he has his twin addictions - the booze and the OW - with him.

He can't admit he has a problem until he stops blaming me for everything. In order for that to happen, he has to hit rock bottom. I don't know when that will happen.

Fortunately, it isn't my problem any more. I have custody of the children, and they only see him a few times a month.

Alph.

Hi Ladysheep and Alphin,
Reading your posts today was very relevant.
Last night I couldn't beleive that he opened a bottle of champagne to drink when I was obviously upset about a disagreement we were having. He poured me a glass, which I didn't really want and ended up dumping in the sink. I told him that his drinking was bothering me and reminded him of his promise to limit his drinking. He corked the bottle. I think he thought he had proven that his behavior had not been an issue for a while, so it was okay for him to go back to his excessive drinking, but I told him that I would leave if he had another drink. We were then able to discuss the issue that was at hand.
However, he remained distant and closed off - one of the things that has been happening more and more.
I think it's important for us to discuss what is going on in our relationship, but the drinking is keeping that from happening.
J

Hi Jan...

My husband (been separated for nearly two years) drank to excess also. He was also a very sucessful professioinal physician. He worked very hard and when he had a weekend off (every third) he would start his party by himself very early in the day. I would be working and come home to find him inebriated. I became so resentful and angry that I couldn't think of anything else.
He was a wonderful and generous man and has so many awesome attributes and after our twelve years of marriage and two years seperated, I still loved him very much.
I was always so frustrated when he wasn't clear headed and present. He would never own up to the problem. To this day he doesn't think his drinking has anything to do with the demise of our marriage. I have to take responsbility for my mistakes, but he will not and seems to enjoy playing the victim.
All I can tell you is I did everything you're not suppose to do. I begged, I cried, I pleaded, I bargained, I got pissed, I was so frustrated. And it never made a difference. I revealed my terrible mistake to have an affair to him. I had hoped that he would see how my heart had been broken over the years with his detachment, bleary eyes and nonsensical babble. In stead he has pushed the delete button and I'm out. No desire to work on anything..and I'm sad to say it's because he knows that to work on our marriage would require him to stop or temper his drinking.
Sorry to babble - but this is the first post I've come across that I can relate to with the drinking. I miss him so much, but I do not miss that horrible feeling of driving into the driveway and not knwoing who will be at the house. Will it be my handsome, strong, smart husband...or will it be a stumbeling, confused and angry shell of a man.
Good Luck...have you tried Alanon? I've been to a few meetings and they very much believe that you can only change you...
What ever you decide you'll be ok. A good friend told me to never get involved with anyone who has more problems than you do...I didn't follow that advice and fell in love with a man who has a whole host of demons in him life...
Even though I went down a very wrong path, I do feel like I'm starting to walk into the light and it feels very good.
Best,
Cis

PS - oh and my husband positioned his drinking as a wine conniseur (sp?)but when I caught him secretly sipping from an open bottle from the fridge... that image was completely blown away

Hi,
I seem to take too long to compose responses, so another post lost to the bit-bucket.
I can relate to what you have been through. I have very similar feelings when I see my partner open the second bottle of wine.
I hope that he will be continue to limit his consumption - and that we will be able to talk about this in a reasonable way. It's hard to criticize someone who is much more successful than me, though one could argue that he has not had success in relationships. His first marriage lasted 18 years though.
With the holidays coming, it is very important to see him stay moderate - my family drinks, but he is usually the most obnoxious. I guess people think it's funny, but it's not for me.
I think that insisting on this is the only way to save our relationship, but I feel like I'm being controlling, which is something difficult for me. Why do I have to be the responsible one?
Thanks for your story and perspective. You have made the choice that is right for you and you will be much happier in the long run.
Good luck!
Joan

Alcoholics mask other personality disorders. What I mean to say is even when the person quits. There still might be problems in a relationship. Just my two cents.

Sag...funny you say that. My H always said that even if he never took another drink I'd still be unhappy. But he never stopped so we could test his theory...he just never stopped. But I suspect your right.
cis

I am a very slow typer, and tend to write long and rambling passages. If they are too long and rambling (so that the MB 'post box' won't like them) I write them in Word first and then cut and paste.


Of course there would still be problems in the relationship - all relationships have problems to some extent! He's using this as an excuse not to stop.


Drinking is a way of life with my ex's family. Every Christmas (or any get together, come to think of it) my ex and his mother and brother would get completely blitzed together. Then they would end up having the mother of all arguments.

But my ex would always drink more, would always be the one to open another bottle. My MIL and BIL would be dreadfully ill the next morning, but not my ex. Because he was much more used to drinking these amounts.

Only after our divorce did I find out that his whole family had been worried for years about his drinking, but it was just never mentioned - no-one wanted to upset him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Thanks for the reply. I saw that in one of my books on Personality disorders. Are you two still married?

There would still be problems, but we might be able to talk about them.
My SO (significant other) has several buddies who can keep up with him easily - but last year visiting his brother, they both got drunk, but SO was able to get up at 5:30 am and ski all day, while his brother slept til 9.
Happy turkey day to all.

I really related to your response. My husband is a high-functioning successful professional. He only drinks at home. It has been an issue for nearly 20 years. I adore him, but am wondering if I can go on. I feel sometimes as if it would be worth separating just to make him see what he's sacrificing in order to continue drinking, but I'm afraid that after all these years he will just blame me. We have a good life, 3 beautiful children...but like you, I am tired of being forced to be with this alter-ego instead of the man I love...I read in this website that you cannot apply the lovebuster principles etc. until after you have dealt with the addiction. I really want to work on my marriage, but I hit a roadblock every time -- it all comes back to the alcohol, which has stunted the emotional growth of our relationship. Do you have any advice for me?

Hi...I don't have any advice...but I had hoped that after we separated my H would get a wake up call and start to look at how his drinking contributed to our problems. After "D" day he stopped drinking for about 10 days. He lamented "I can stop drinking now, why couldn't I stop then?"....but then he started drinking again and kicked me out of the house and filed for divorce. So...can't say anything good has happened from our separation.
Cis