Hi All,

I've been a reader on here, and finally ready to post I guess! Messed up alot of things cus I felt like I was on a time crunch!
H involved in affair since Oct 05. I didnt know til Jan 06. Friend told me. Since that time I had been doing the snooping and spying. Found cellphone records and followed him and stuff. In April, I found things missing from the house, heard about him getting a house on voicemail. Confronted him about it, he said he was looking cus we werent getting along. You know, needed space.
I told myself I was either going to let him go or fight for our marriage. I decided to fight. So, I started what I know now is plan Aing him. Try not to LB. BUt hard when OW was involved. Getting along for 3 months, and he asked me why I didnt do this before now. I said decided I needed to work on marriage. So thought Things were better.

I come home from work on Friday...HE's gone. Moved Out. It was the start of his 2 week vacation. And Mine, some vacation. He leaves me a 3 page letter, how we tried to work things out but to late, blah, blah, he's not having an affair! just needs space..But heres the Kicker.
Does not want me and my 2 sons to tell other Son that is In IRAQ about the seperation. So we havent for 3 months now.
He comes home on the 16th of Nov. H and I are going to Texas together to meet the plane...for not such a happy Homecoming.
H thinks we can go out to eat, chit chat and not tell him for couple of days! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> FOG! He has a house and we are going to be staying at it, MAYBE if son doesnt Kick his Dad out after finding out. Son has a GF that lives with him and she knows the whole story cus, I had a melt down about Oct to tell son or not and we agreed not to. Soldiers in his battalion we getting killed and he didnt need anymore stress.
One thing H is still involved with OW. But I get him to myself for 4 days. Should eat at her! Feel Like doing more exposure before leaving. I exposed, family and friends, people at their work know, dont seem to care, happens all the time there! Factory Workers!
So any suggestion about anything with my situation, been stressing about it since July is appreciated.
Kinda condensed version of things.

Forgot Info
WH 54
BS 49
M 30yrs
DS 29
DS 25
DS 22
DD 7/21/06

What was your marriage like in the years preceding his affair? Was there a strong bond between you?

Your husband states that he is not having an affair. The plain and simple truth is that he is lying. I don’t believe it; the readers don’t believe and you shouldn’t either.

One of the most fearful and hateful activities that occur in many affairs is the idea that it is somehow OK to meet someone new; that it is just a way of life that some marriages dissolve and new lovers surface to replace the old. Many far away observers of affairs, who have never actually been part of an affair, adopt this kind of detached attitude. You know from where you sit just how damaging and soulless such an act is. It is anything BUT a way of life.

There is nothing OK about it. NOTHING. It is only in the rarest of incidences is that kind behavior permissible. Please make sure that your children, who are now adults, fully understand that their father’s behavior is NOT acceptable. To continue to peruse an affair after discovery is the most selfish and self-centered act that could ever be perpetuate on another individual, let alone the mother of his children. Of course, he likely sees little of this and what he does see he easily dismisses in the name of what he thinks is “love”.

Listen, you can love your husband and admire all the things that initially attracted you to him so many years ago but the simple fact is that there is NOTHING good or admirable in what he is doing now. I suspect that you are more then ready to examine and rebuild your relationship with him in an attempt to rediscover the feelings you felt for each other many years ago. Like so many folks who visit these pages the true concept and meaning of the word “love” eludes your husband and likely you too.

He perhaps thinks that this new woman is an exciting alternative to the daily chores having to live a life and be married in the real word. The truth is that his affair partner will begin to tarnish as the days pass. The truth is that your standing will increase so long as you continue to represent a tried and true alternative. You see, you are the choice without baggage and her baggage will increase each day.

I might suggest to you that the Plan A approach is the correct one but for it to be fully effective I think you need to adopt an attitude that should be relatively easy since it is grounded in the pure truth. Here it is:

“Honey, I have found that I love you more then I ever realized. I want to fight for our marriage, I want to save it and I want to fall in love with you again. I guess I lost sight of how important you are to me until now, when faced with the end. I know that I am powerless to make or force you to do what I want so all I am left with is to let you know how deeply I am hurt and how hopeful I am that we can begin again. I can’t share you with another woman, as there is simply not room enough for two. I am your wife, the mother of your children and hope that I will convince you that I am the best possible choice. I will do everything and anything in my power to hasten that choice.”

The above is the attitude that I suggest that you live by. See where such practice take you and then evaluate the progress to see if you are indeed moving forward. At the moment it sounds as if your husband is burning both ends of the candle as he continues with his affair partner and also sees you. The bottom line is that to begin a path back to a loving relationship with your husband he MUST end ALL contact with the other woman. There is no compromise here; there are no other choices.

You have been on this road since July so it may be time to start to consider Plan B alternatives so that you can begin to formulate the thought process that will remove you from this hurtful treatment that your husband is perpetuating on you and your children. Your Plan B, if it should come to that, will carry over the same attitude as above but with a small caveat, “Because I love you I must separate from you. I can no longer endure the pain that comes from sharing you with another woman. I request that you cease all contact with me, no phone call, no letters, and no email. If you decide to return to me it MUST be without the other woman. When that day comes, if it comes, I will be here waiting to rebuild our life. Until that time, remember how much I love you.”

As for your son’s return from Iraq, I might suggest that you tell him separately in advance of your meeting. For you or your husband to hide the truth from him is a terrible disrespectful judgment. He must know because he has a right to know. I wonder if keeping that information from him for one, two or three days is wrong. I suspect that your children are most important to you at this time. I further suspect that you will receive a measure of comfort from your son and that should not be denied you. In fact you might find that your children might be your biggest ally in saving your marriage. He likely already knows. Your children are young adults and their views, opinions and beliefs might have a profound effect on your husband. You may want to consider giving them permission to speak their mind. In the absence of your husband they become your BEST friends.

Be strong and follow what you know is right,

Mr. G

Did the affair rekindle after a period of "no contact" OR has contact been continuing since January with you doing a 10 month Plan A?

Think you should consider Plan A'ing through your son's return from Iraq on the 16th then go to a dark Plan B after the trip. Gives you a little over a week to get your Plan B in order. Separate finances completely...find and set up your intermediary...tie up any loose ends which he may utilize to force contact with you or that you will need to contact him. Separate insurance (medical and auto), etc. and prepare your Plan B letter which you post here.

Plan A only works about 15% of the time. Plan B is risky but how ever it turns out at least YOU are moving on without him. You've done all you could to attract him back and he's just cake eating. OW needs to have the burden of meeting all his needs and you need peace.

Consider it. Read up on it here.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you Mr.W & G,

Mr.G,
Marriage was ok after so many years you start to take each other for granted. We use to do lots together, softball,volleyball, go places. Seems like since he hit the 50 mark, got a motorcyle, he's had independent behavior. Thats where he met the OW. She rides too. I didnt go along when he would leave to go riding. Something he did with the boys. Like golfing. Yeh, at first maybe, then when suspected the affair, I would asked to go along, he'd say it was his time to be with the guys.
I was thinking of Plan B after the trip, when weve had the family time! The 2 Sons have not talked to their Dad since he left in July. He has called a left them a message or 2, but they havent called him. It has to be getting to him, he was the Dad of All Dads. Was always with the kids, baseball coach, anything sports. You guys are right about the WS giving up anything and everything for an affair! Never thought that would happen with his kids! Feeling ashamed of himself, I guess.

Mr.W,

Got told of the affair, in Jan. Was trying to confirmed it, snooping etc. Plan A'ing started in April, He left in July. Has never admitted OW or affair. I'm 99% sure shes living with him now!

Well havent got long to wait til Son gets Back. Some of my stress will deminish. In time for more!! Thanks for all you advice. I will try to be strong, and sometimes I think I know what was is right and sometimes I think I'm Crazy! People ask me why I dont just get rid of him, he's a liar and a cheat. 30 years, and I still feel some hope is there!
Maybe!

BS 49
M 30yrs
DS 29
DS 25
DS 22
DD 7/21/06