We have been married for 2 years. He lives in Washington state and will be moving to Georgia in December. I live in florida with our son. Out of the four years together he has been to Iraq for 15 months korea for a year and washington for a year. We havent spent much time together as a couple but we did when we were just friends.

My suspision started after he got back from Iraq in 2004 he would step outside the house to talk on the phone if he didnt go outside he would only speak in spanish on the phone (I dont speak much spanish). He would dissappear for hours and not answer his phone when I would call. He refused to go to a club or bar with me saying he hates that sceen and would take me to the movies. He had two weeks off before leaving for Korea 5 months after getting back from Iraq. He spent 2 1/2 days with me and the rest of the time in california with his family yet if he was with his family why would he only call me late at night and not answer my calls during the day.

About a month after he got to Korea he started going to clubs and bars. I asked him what had changed he said nothing he just didnt want to tell his friends he didn't want to go, we ended up having a huge fight. He then told me that if I didn't want him to go out he wouldn't so I asked him not to. And many times would catch him in a lie about the fact that he did go out. After awhile I found out that the person he had been hanging out with alot and most of that time was that they were together alone was a female. I wasn't mad because it was a girl he was hanging out with, it was because he was lying and trying to hide it from me which makes me believe he had something to hide.

He came home in december 2005 to move to washington state and the tension between us was unbelieveable anyone who came near the two of us just knew. He moved to washington and everything was quiet for awhile so I decided to plan a romantic 4 day weekend and go see him. Things were going good until I found a picture of the girl he spent time with in Korea on his phone and he had labeled the picture "wife" which pissed me off completly I asked him about it and of course he said he has no clue how that happened. The days that followed that were not pleasant at all.

He started hanging out with a married man who openly cheats on his wife with many different women. He would be with the guy at work all day then go straight to his house after work instead of meeting me online (I tried to make it where once a day we would turn on our webcam and mic to talk to each other to try to connect since we didnt live with each other) He would stay at this guys house until as late as midnight during the week. I started asking what he was doing he said working out for 3 hours and watching tv. After a couple of weeks I noticed that his body wasnt making the physical change it would if he was truly working out for 3 hours a day for 7 days. I asked him about it and he just told me to shut up I had no idea what I was talking about. But I do I grew up with my dad being a body builder and knowing what changess your body makes.

I am so frustrated. He changes his story constantly about what he did the night before then gets mad at me when I point out thats not what he told me before. A couple of months ago he went to california to visit his family and one day he said he was going to meet an old friend from high school for lunch and then he said he would take her home. Well lunch was over and he was driving around with her in his car he kept making excuses as to why he hadnt taken her home yet. a few hours later I call and he said they were sittin gin his car by a taco truck because she was hungry again next thing I hear is her giggling and then he starts laughing he said that she was tried to feed him some of her taco. I told him it was time for her to go home. He got mad and hung up on me. I called back an hour later and she is still with him I asked what they were doing he said that they were on their way to the hospital to see his sick grandma, at that point I flipped out there is no reason that she needed to go with him to see his sick grandma.

In August I was talking to my mom and we were making plans for thanksgiving and she asked me why I wasnt going to california to see my husband I told her that I hadnt been invited so I called my husband and suggested it he didnt not sound to happy but he said "yeah thats ok I guess" So I bought the plane tickets. His family doesnt even speak english but I am still willing to go and sit thru 4 days of barely knowing what anyone is saying! I asked him a few days ago why I was bothering to come since I wasnt welcome he said that wasn't the case that he just thought he would have to pay for the plane tickets which is a lie because he knows I make more then enough money to cover it and I always pay for everything. That is awhole different problem!

Yesterday I was checking his myspace and found a posting he made on a girls page calling her "pookie" I asked him about it and he told me to shut up I asked him not to call her that since it is not proper behavior of a husband and he said "whatever I will do whatever I want and if I want to call her pookie I'll call her pookie" At that point instead of yelling and arguing with him I hung up the phone. He didnt call me at all the rest of the day so I called him this morning to see if he still thinks its ok to call another woman pookie he said he thinks I'm just being a stupid ****** and should shut up. He then threatened to not call me for awhile. At that point I just didnt care I hung up. Please help with any point of view or suggestion. I love my husband dearly even when he is pushing me away.

Yes, I think it would be a sham to think other than the obvious.

A harsh truth I recently heard. You were never married to him. When you took your vows you meant something entirely different than him. His actions have not shown the commitment needed in a real working marriage. Sometimes you can have love for someone and it may not work out.

Please read as much as you can. Talk to family. help yourself.

I'm sorry you need to be here. You asked for a point of view. I don't understand your marriage... actually, I don't even understand how, other than the vows you took, that it is a marriage. Why are you not living together as a family???? You obviously know your H is screwing around. What I don't get... is why are you letting him get away with the stuff he has been doing? This entire story seems to be a nightmare. I truly am sorry that your H is cheating...I just really don't get your marital arrangement.
Based on his cheating, his being verbally abusive, the fact that you have no real marriage except on paper... I would say divorce the clown. Plan A & B will not work since you two rarely spend time together anyway.
Best of luck to you. Again, I am sorry you need to deal with this. If you do divorce... have an expectation that you will have a marriage that actually resembles a marriage. Counseling is most certainly in order at this time.

mil, I am sorry that you find yourself here. It sounds like your H has a secret second life and has your entire marriage. He is openly and flagrantly adulterous and has no respect for your marriage.

You don't live together like a married couple, so have never developed the kind of intimate bond that forms the foundation of a marriage. He doesn't seem to be interested or invested in your marriage at all. Marriage is much more than just a piece of paper, but a relationship.

The problem that you have is that your H lives a single man's life and, seemingly, has no intention of changing. That means that you must accept that you can't change him and ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want.

If I were you, I would find a good counselor to examine the reasons you would tolerate this treatment.

Thank you all. I actually started seeing a theraphist the end of August. To help straighten out things in my own head before I decide whether to stay or go. I go once a week. Our situation is a little different because he asked me not to work to be a house wife and while he was spending all his money in Korea he gave me very little to survive so I got tired of it and wanted to make sure that if anything happened I could support my son and myself because being a house wife wouldnt do that. So luckly I was offered a second chance at my dream job which didnt make him happy at all. That is why I live in Florida because when he got back from Korea I wasnt going to quit making $23 an hour to go to washington for a year then try to figure out what we were going to do when he got out of the military. But he did reenlist with out telling me until he had already done it. I am almost to the point where I just cant take his behavior any more. He will be in Georgia in December and suppose to be coming home every weekend. I believe in my heart that will be the true test of our relationship.

Mil, I think you did good getting a job to ensure you can support yourself. I never cease to be amazed when I see women who cannot support themselves in an age where the divorce rate is 50+%.

It sounds like you are on the right track; I would only implore you to take birth control if you are with him. Bringing another child into this situation would be a nightmare.

Thank you. Yes I take my birthcontrol regularly. And due to not knowing for sure if he has been unfaithful I do make him wear protection. I only tried to be a house wife because he asked me to. I'm the type of person who has to work. And I agree with the divorce rate and women not working at all. I believe that even a part time job could help them if they got in to a situation where they had to get out of their marriage.

I'd like to echo MEDC's suggestion. The less time you invest in that loser, the more time you'll have to invest in someone that's truly worth it.

You’re young, you have no home life with your husband, your relationship is almost entirely a long distance one, your commitment to each other is renewed through emails and web cams and above all, your husband’s interests do NOT include you.

Let me ask you a question, what do you do with your days, weeks and months that you are separated from your husband?

You see it is easy to blame your husband but the real blame rests with each of you. Please take time to examine and understand what a marriage should be. Loving partners belong TOGETHER, not just sometimes, but most of the time. If life’s circumstances sometimes cause a married couple to separate, either due to job relocations or other such uncontrollable factors, then the time apart is barely sufferable. When that happens, the best relationships strive each day to shorten the time apart.

Is this how you envisioned your happily married life? I am sure it is not. Please take some time to reexamine your current conditions and state of marriage. It is sad that his interests include other women but I suggest to you that you have your whole life ahead of you and that perhaps the time has come for you to consider what is best for YOU. Your current married life is causing you nothing but pain with no love in return. What’s more is that your long distance relationship will offer you no alternatives to remedy your relationship. As things are, there just isn’t much hope. You are married but this guy just isn’t interested in you or he would be doing all he could to make a life together with you and your child.

It is time to save yourself, time to think of you, time to begin anew, time to live a real life and separate from this source of pain. Your life awaits you consider cutting your losses. Protect your child by taking care of yourself. Do what is right for you and you will do what is right for your child. I will close with one final question, “How does a man call himself a man when he treats his family in such a manner?”

Consider letting him go.

Mr. G

Mr. Goodstuff
I spend 8 hours a day at work then I pick up my son and we go home play for a little bit then cook dinner then get him ready for bed and this is our routine monday thru friday and on the weekends we go shopping go to the movies to the park or just stay home together. When I am not at work I am with my son. Trying to fill his void of daddy not being there. I did not picture married life like this at all. Even when he is home it is not how I pictured married life. He would rather watch tv or work on his car then play with us or go anywhere with us. I am trying so hard to make this work but he is not willing to even try to work with me. Yes it is both of our faults for this. But he is unwilling to even try.

As a former military and a hispanic man I'm ashamed he would behave in such a way. It's disgraceful and he should know better.

Have you told him you're thinking about divorce?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would let him know you're seriously thinking of divorce. He's been absent as a father and doesn't seem to care he has a family. If you can get proof of his infidelity I would report it to his commander.

Good luck to you.

There is nothing wrong with your disappointment in your married life. It is a proper way to feel for the cards you have been dealt. You can’t MAKE your husband be a husband. You can’t MAKE him be a father to your child. There is precious little that you can MAKE him do. There is however much YOU can do, the most important being, to reclaim your life. What that means is that it is fruitless to chase a man who runs from you whenever you get near and that perhaps the smart thing to chase is what is best for YOU. Let me ask two questions of you. I realize that you may not be sure of the answers but I urge you to give much thought to the importance of the questions.

What do you think the “right” thing to do is?

What do you think is “best” for YOU?

Make a plan that best answer’s each of the two questions above and then work toward accomplishing the plan’s objective. The gracious folks here will help you with every step. Perhaps your parents may help you. But most of all, you will help yourself. You will get out of this mess and things will begin to get better. The first step is the hardest but once taken you begin to feel better.

Mr. G

Yes. Last christmas when he came back from Korea I had enough and talked to a lawyer and found out that we could file annollment papers. So I filled them out and gave them to him to sign. The next day I kicked him out of the house for the way he treated me in front of our son. He still claims he didnt know where to sign. Recently I brought up divorce in the heat of an argument and he said he wouldnt even think twice about it and to me that means he is done. So I asked why he didnt go draw up the papers he told me it would take to much time and that he was to lazy, which is true. He was raised old school mexican and I can handle most of what he brings but the whole "I will do what I want when I want and you have no say" is just to much. Lately instead of arguing with him I hang up the phone and then turn it off and go do something to get my mind off of it.

I don't want to sound like a racist, but the old chool mexican male thing kind of is "I will do what I want when I want and you have no say."

How long did you know this guy before you married him?

Are you getting a housing allowance? If so, I think I would stay married and do Plan A while reading here and saving up some money, for a while.

We've known each other for almost 7 years been together for 4 of that. And yes I get a housing allowance. I have started saving a little more out of my pay check each month in case I no longer have that money coming in. if worse comes to worse I could always lower how much I'm putting into my 401K. I dunno how easy it will be to work on plan A without him around but I'm willing to try anything!

I honestly don't see plan a or b working in your situation. Get rid of this chump and start your life anew. Everyday married to him is another wasted 24 hours.