Bear with me... this is really two questions/issues, but I'll try to be brief.

For months & months I've had to deal with some serious issues involving my WxH. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever stop trying to hurt me. I can't get into details, but suffice it to say that I'm disappointed with the outcome of actions taken to protect/distance myself. After getting that bad news, my friend stops by to show me that my WxH is on match.com. He is using pictures of himself at our wedding!! ...in his wedding tux & white tie!! He also uses pics from our honeymoon (!!) and pics from one of his adultery trips with one of the OWs. He describes himself as a christian with strong family values who hardly drinks, blah, blah. It's all lies. All of it -- disgusting, horrible lies. I feel so angry and violated that he's using our pics - along with OW pics! I want to get on CNN and tell the world the truth. It seems he can just hurt people & do wrong without consequences or remorse. I guess the injustice of it all burns me. Is it possible a human being can really "not get" that they did something so wrong?

Here's my next question... about four weeks ago, I met a guy and we really hit it off. I haven't felt like that in years. Wow. Didn't think I would feel like that ever again. He called me regularly, we went to dinners, then longer afternoon to evening dates, and just had a great time. Talked about everything - tons in common. He started making plans for the near future -- as in a few weeks away or so. So everything seemed great... until last week and I have NO IDEA what happened... he called me on Wednesday, said he can't stop thinking of me and would love to see me on Saturday. I said great - looking forward to seeing him too. It was his last week at work before a new job, and he was very busy with that (I've been there, so I understand how hectic that is in his type of job), but said he would call me Friday. No call Friday. I gave him the benefit of the doubt & left a nice, short message on Saturday afternoon. No reply. I sent a brief text message on Sunday. No reply. So that's it. I guess he's no longer interested... and I have no idea why. I guess I'll never know. For the men on the board, if you've done this before, what were your reasons? Thanks

Hugs to you Nev.

Concerning your x? There are no explanations. I find it all repulsive. Enough said.

As for the bf. I hurt for you. He sounds like the man I refer to as: "Mr. 5 Weeks". It was 5 weeks of wonderful for me and I do believe for him too. I can relate to what you are talking about. The calls, the talks, time spent together, etc.
We were never intimate thank goodness, cause all in a day, it changed. We were together on Friday night, the next morning he stopped by in the morning and told me he couldn't go out with me any longer. Why? Because he was in love with his former gf, still.
My guess for your guy, there is another woman in the picture. A former.

I can imagine that you would at least like an explanation such as what I got. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps with some of the questions.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts.

Karona

Sorry to hear your story NTS.
Now I'm worried that the photos of the guys in tuxes on match could be at their own weddings. Very scary.
No woman would think of showing a picture in her wedding dress, would she?

Thanks Karona. Yes, I would like to know why my "Mr. 4.5 Weeks" disappeared -- love that nickname. I also suspect there is another woman in the picture, but I think it's a current girlfriend. (or maybe I'm just paranoid after all this betrayal) At least your guy was man enough to tell you why instead of disappearing -- my imagination is all over the place -- he's hurt or something bad happened to a loved one, my ex called him (happened before), it was just a joke to him, he met someone on Friday and fell madly in love and doesn't have the courage to even send a goodbye text message, ..etc, etc.

One of my "fears" is that my ex, who really should not be in a relationship with anyone, will find that special someone, marry & have a family while I live alone forever. I guess that fear comes from feeling like he does wrong and either doesn't see any consequences or actually gets rewarded. It probably also comes from the fact that I'm discouraged about finding a good relationship. Seeing my ex lying about everything on match.com (which I was about to sign up for, but changed my mind if that's what I'm getting) and having this Mr. 4.5 Wks experience doesn't help.

Newly, I'm with you -- after seeing his profile I decided not to sign up. It scared me to think what other nutcases are on there. In case your anywhere near NYC, he's 6'4" and originally grew up in Boston -- that's about all that is true in his profile. Nothing else, and I mean nothing else, in his profile is true. His family hardly speaks with him, he has no friends, now he starts drinking at 8am (unless he sleeps in), etc.

I'm so discouraged. I was going to join match to be more pro-active about finding someone. I have a good social life, I take care of myself, I'm generally happy, but I would really like to be in a relationship. I hate to be dramatic because of all this, but feel so rejected & unlovable & hopeless. At least I have my dog to hug me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Read the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus books. Men often go into their caves when things start to get serious. They need to work things out for themselves. I could try to explain it but the books do it much better.

Oh, I don't think you are completely healed from your divorce and I think that he may be feeling that. The fact that you are so upset about your WxH online profile is proof of that.

You'll know you're healed when you hear about some stupid thing he does and you immediately turn on that country song "My Give a Damn's Busted". Good luck.

I don't know what to make of Mr. 4 weeks, but I have been on both sides of it, so let me give this a whirl.

On the receiving end, I met the a woman on Match, we really hit it off, saw each other 4 weekends in a row, talked on the phone a lot, etc etc. Seemed really incredible to me. Then at week 4, she got weird. To her credit (what little I'll give her), she did admit after my questioning that her exBF was back - turns out she was only broken up with him for three weeks when she met me (she implied it was more like 6 months), so she decided to go back to him. Charming.

On the "giving" end, I met another woman, with whom I went out 3-4 weekends in a row, and we did seem to hit it off. But date after date, I saw more and more dealbreakers for me, until I finally saw enough and said "goodbye". She was furious, but heck, it was only a few dates, I think it was my prerogative to move on.

I don't know how useful this is to you, but it just shows that there may be a number of things at play - your guy may have had someone else in the picture (I'd vote for that one), he may have not liked what he saw in you as time went on (no offense), he may have not been ready or interested to begin with, blah blah. Could be one of many many things.

The only thing that is weird is that he totally disappeared, without a note or a call. That is very strange. Unless he is dead or dying, there is no excuse for that, in my book. Just remember that, in case he comes back with some sob story <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Auto... I do feel like I'm long over my ex. However, the combination of him getting away with some recent antics, plus the match profile, really angered me -- not because he's dating, but because he's still lying & hurting people & never faces any consequences for it.

AGG - I appreciate the insight. Yes, it could have been something about me, although he seemed more interested each week and even said "I'd really love to see you this Saturday!! Are you free?" Then disappeared! You are correct, the total disappearing act really bothers me. At least give me a lame excuse or claim to be too tired from your farewell party at work or something! Sheesh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Also, I'm curious by nature, so my imagination is killing me as to the real reason. Most likely, he met someone else or his girlfriend was out of town. The bad part is that we are in a related industry, so I will probably run into him again in the near future. Guess the joke is on me.

But it's not Nev~~~it's on him! You have nothing to be ashamed of. He on the other hand has reason to hang his head.
I still feel there is a former in his life.
I felt as you, that the guy was interested, but when the xgf resurfaced, so did the emotions that went with it, and we lost out.
Better to find out now then to have more heart invested though.
However, it still hurts no matter how you look at it.


And from above.....


I've felt the same. My x has remarried the OW. I often feel like he is living the life. He was the one to stray in the marriage, and he is the one that has someone. I on the other hand, am providing a stable home from our daughters, have them active in church, they do very well in school, etc.
I feel like I'm doing all the right things, but feel like my time still hasn't come.

You seem like a good person Nev. I hope someday to read you've met someone great.

K!

NTS, I'm also a curious type. I dated someone for a while, and knew he was a cancer survivor, and there was a recurrence. Life gets busy, so I thought I'd contact him. All phones disconnected, etc. I finally searched his hometown paper, and his obituary appeared. He died about 3 weeks after our last conversation.

I am in the NYC match area, and 6'4" would be a perfect height for me. I hope I can weed him out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (Not that I'm his type, I'm a Kirstie Alley type - but no bikinis here).

Nev,

Karona is right, the joke is not on you, but on him. If you ever bump into him, you will have nothing to be ashamed of, while he would be the one needing to stare at his shoes. No worries.

AGG

NTS,

You know, I used to wonder the same thing. After a few weeks of bliss - POOF! Nothing. He seemed to fall off the face of the earth. Next, I would agonize and obsess wondering what I did or didn't do.

Then, I stumbled upon this wonderful book that put it all into perspective. It's called - "He's Just Not That Into You." It's written by a man - can't think of his name at the moment - so you get the guy's perspective. It boils down to whatever the reason doesn't really matter. An exgf, just got out of a relationship, got badly burned, old college roommate in town for the weekend, etc, etc he's just not that into you or he'd call.

I know it's not what you want to hear, I didn't either but it helped me understand a guys point of view. It also saved me countless hours of agonizing and made it much easier to move on.

A while back I was dating a woman who I was unsure about. Most of the time she would agree to go out with me, but we never seemed to really click. I felt like I was reliving the 3rd date every time I saw her. We could not get much past that level of very beginning intimacy. So, I decided to NOT call her and see what she would do. A week went by - nothing. Two weeks - nothing. A month - nothing. Now I am dating somebody else. Women have to show some interest, and be receptive to a man's moves. That's also in the Mars/Venus books as I recall.

Fraulein - I agree with the general concept of that book. I also agree with Auto's statement after yours. I have a couple of guy friends who say that unless a girl seems really interested, they won't bother (even if they are really interested in her) because they don't want the rejection and prefer to pursue someone who will be responsive. It makes sense to me ... pursue that which indicates the highest probability of success. I have had men pursue me no matter how little interest I showed them, and IMO, that is not flattering, it's a red flag.

I have no idea which of 1000 possibilities is true in my case. He seemed VERY interested and did the majority of the pursuing, then he just vanished overnight. I thought I showed a good level of interest without it being overboard. But who knows? The bottom line is that he hasn't called, so it's over.

The reason it's troubling for me is that it's very contradictory to his prior actions. Not just his seemingly high interest level, but also his prior behavior. One time he fell asleep and forgot to call, so he called & texted the next day to apologize. I've closed the door to any relationship with him, but I would like to know that he's ok. I've thought about sending the following text: "It doesn't seem like you to disappear without a word. Hope everything is ok with you." -- Although I doubt I will get a response and then I'll really worry! lol

The dating world seems a bit disappointing when the one person I don't want to call me (my ex) is calling, and the person I would like to call me is not. Oh well ...

Nev,

A couple of items here. First off, we most often judge other’s feelings by our own. That’s why AGG’s ex-G can’t understand why he wouldn’t give her another chance. That’s why so many times we don’t see a break up coming. That’s why so many BS’s say “But everything was perfect!” It was perfect for US. Who knows if it were perfect for them.

Then, there’s the too intense to quickly. If one person senses the other is too far ahead emotionally, they get nervous. This is one reason why I like to take things s-l-o-w-l-y. Probably too slowly.

Try not to feel rejected or unlovable because one man stood you up. Your value is much more than that. And think about it. A life alone has so many benefits. More benefits than a life of serial or concomitant relationships that are doomed by bad behavior and drinking.

Benefit 1: You get to do whatever you want. Including packing up for a long weekend at the spa, or watching a Little House on the Prairie marathon on Lifetime.
Benefit 2: If you want to have four cats, there’s no one to say no.
Benefit 3: If you see a gorgeous man looking your way, you can bat your eyelashes and get free drinks.
Benefit 4: You actually can touch the remote to the TV
Benefit 5: You never have to go to a hunting lodge for vacation.
Benefit 6: Never ever hearing “Honey, where is my????”
Benefit 7: Salad constitutes dinner. So does Ben & Gerry’s
Benefit 8: You get to go where you want on the Holidays
Benefit 9: Less Christmas shopping, because you know only a handful of men in the universe do their own Christmas shopping after the first 18months of marriage. After all, they reason, isn’t that a perq of marriage?
Benefit 10: You never ever feel cold water engulfing you bum in the middle of the night because a man left the toilet seat up.

Amen!

11) I can watch whatever movie I want when I want.
12) I don't have to feel piles of stinky socks at the end of my bed when I'm trying to get to sleep.
13) If I want to go shopping I have no one to answer to but myself.
14) I don't have to try and drag anyone away from Monday night football or the computer games to get attention.Might as well be alone then anyway.
15) Don't have to worry about roving eyes on other women.
16) My heart feels good and safe!
17) Don't have to deal with irritating habits of the other person.
18) I feel good about myself and there's no man trying to bring me down.
19) No drinking around the home (I'm a teetotaler).
20) I get my kids all to myself! That is until the EOW visits of my ex.
21) My home is neat
22) Visiting family and friends? I can leave whenever I want and I have no one revving the car in the drive
23) I can laugh again with no sourpuss bringing me down

The list goes on.I am really having a good time being on my own right now.I would definitely like to find a nice guy sometime but I won't stand for any bad or depressing behavior anymore.I've had my share to last a lifetime.

Nurture your own life right now nts.Try not to dwell on the why's of other people.Sometimes it's just plan bad manners and they don't know how to end a relationship with someone,even brief ones.It was uncalled for but consider the guy a fleeting memory.Your not unlovable just caught up in one of those bad deals.Keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong and you are OK.It's HIM that has the problem.Assuming he's not dead...he should have been more respectful.

Besides, we love you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

lol !! Love you guys too! Thanks for listening everyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Update -- he sent a brief message (maybe he reads here - I'm joking) as follows: "This past week has been crazy. I'll give you a call, ok babydoll?"

The "babydoll" thing is new and I think it's from the movie Swingers w/ V. Vaughn (he quotes movies sometimes - ugh). I'm not his babydoll and the message is not amusing. Where is the apology? He knew how to apologize before for much less, so why not now?

So...here's how I interpret it: "I'm a player and I think only of myself. I'm sure that you'll put up with my bad behavior because I think I'm such a stud. So, sit by the phone and wait for me to call."

I won't be replying.

Yeah, I am with you on this one. It appears that he is neither dead nor was he dying, the only two excuses I would have accepted. And to start with the "babydoll" comment is definitely testing the waters - he is trying to see just how hooked you are, and if he can make a habit out of this behavior.

Just think, if you come back with a "Oh, phew, so glad to hear from you, I was worried", he'd know that he's in, and can get away with this any time. Bad bad bad.

I vote for no reply at all, like you proposed. Of course be prepared for a variety of things, ranging from him getting all apologetic to taking the tone of "what's the big deal, you are taking all this too seriously, I had real life get in the way of dating, don't get so bent out of shape". I am guessing the latter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

He does sound like the ultimate player, the kind that gives dating a bad name. Yuck.

AGG