I have been reading everything on this website including Dr. Harley's books about infidelity. I have been in Plan A now for about 6 months. I have been trying to be very useful around the house and do more than my share of housework, helping my wife as much as possible even though it kills me when she runs off to see the other man almost every weekend.

Here is my question. She is not getting any easier to get along with. She is actually snippy and b****y most of the time, no matter how nice I try to be. It seems to be getting worse instead of better.

Is this normal?

sounds like she's still knee-deep in her affair... is she?

edit after more careful reading.... she is USING YOU as a babysitter while she is having her affair... STOP allowing this !

tell her she may NOT go away and leave you alone with the kids so she can screw another man ...

wait for her response...

have you used "the stick" of plan A ?

Pep

How long have you been married? Got kids? How many and how old? How old are you and WW? Got information on OM? How did you find out about the A? How long had it been going on before you found out?

Are you in plan A or plan doormat? One is attractive...the other is not.

I would agree, I belive that she is still in the affair. Do what you can, and if you must....go to plan B. I would love to do plan A with my wife, but I cant legally. Just maybe, she needs to see what she is missing out on. Just remember to leave her on a good note. If you dont you risk just driving her further into her affair.

I am 48 years old and my wife is 40. Married 7 years. We have two children ages 5 and 7. She has been involved in the affair since last summer. I didn't discover it until months later. She won't stop it. She won't get counseling. She hasn't moved out. She wanted me to move out saying she needed space but I want to stay with my kids.

There was nothing wrong with our marriage. We didn't fight, but we didn't spend as much time together as Dr. Harley suggests because we both work full time.

She lied about everything until it was so obvious she had to admit it.

I can't really Plan B because my lawyer says it might hurt my chances for custody. I can't kick her out because we are both on the mortgage.

Pepperband: I can't stop her from leaving short of physically restraining her which would create obvious problems. I tried to expose to the other man's wife, but she has already left him and moved away. My wife's parents won't take any action and have cut me off from that side of the family.

She is absolutely crazy about this guy and thinks he is God's gift. There is no reasoning with her at all.

I talked to Dr. Harley on his radio show and he says wait two years. I don't know if he meant two years total or two years from the time I found out. That is a long time to put up with this.

I am very tempted to go kick some butt but the lawyer says a police report on me of any kind would hurt my chances of custody.

By the way, she doesn't allow me to meet any of her emotional needs except family commitment and conversation (sometimes).

Also, another odd thing -- she rarely looks at me anymore. She walks by and sometimes even talks to me without looking at me.

I read Hiker's post on romantic affairs and it really fits her.

Pepperband: I can't stop her from leaving short of physically restraining her which would create obvious problems.

I did not say STOP her ... you ought to vehemently voice your objection ... every time

I tried to expose to the other man's wife, but she has already left him and moved away.

expose to OM's kids & OM's wife

expose to your wife's family

expose to the church (if there is one)

expose to your friends

My wife's parents won't take any action and have cut me off from that side of the family.

expose means YOU tell them the affair is ongoing and it is hurting the kids

do this exposure with NO expectations

She is absolutely crazy about this guy and thinks he is God's gift. There is no reasoning with her at all.

Don't try to reason with her .... YOU know OM is messing with her ... a player

but save your breath

I talked to Dr. Harley on his radio show and he says wait two years. I don't know if he meant two years total or two years from the time I found out. That is a long time to put up with this.

here is what I would do ...

next time she leaves for the weekend tryst

TELL her (calmly) that you do NOT want her to leave ... tell her it hurts... ASK her to stay home as a family

do this IN FRONT of the kids
say ~~~> PLEASE don't go ... stay here with the family

but don't argue

when she has gone (she will... she'd addicted) ...YOU tell the kids you have decided to throw a party and they are the guests of honor

then you pack for the weekend
and you gooooooooo awayyyyyyyy
taking the kids
no note
no message
no way to get ahold of you

and you go to some hotel or a campground and you partaaay with the kids all weekend long
movies
picnic
live it up with them

and do NOT return home on schedule
in fact
if she normally gets back Sunday ... you don't come home until Monday

return home laughing and carrying junk left over from the "party with Dad"

no matter what sort of fit she tries
reply calmly:

"I invited you to the party. You decided you did not want family time."


I am very tempted to go kick some butt but the lawyer says a police report on me of any kind would hurt my chances of custody.

[b]Every weekend she is away ... you spend awesome time with the kids and she does NOT get to talk to them nor does she get to know where you are

THAT is the "stick" of Plan A

Pep

Pepperband, I have exposed to everyone who could have any influence on her and a few who do not -- it hasn't done anything but make her mad at me.

I have made it clear that I do not want her to go away to see the jerk. She always makes these trips look like they are for other reasons -- visiting relatives, etc. Everyone knows that is not the case but she keeps up that storyline.

I like the party idea. So will the kids. They like camping and a change of scene will do us all good.

So you don't think I should go lean on the jerk and put the fear of God into him?

Mickey, did you expose to all the people on Pep's list?

I would also recommend paying the OM a visit. Steve Harley has recommended this before and told him to ask the OM "what are you intentions with my wife?" This puts a REAL FACE to the man he is destroying and will shake him up.

Secondly, I would visit an attorney and see if you can get a legal seperation agreement that removes her from the home and gives you primary custody. If you can get her out, you could go into Plan B.

Have you tried just asking her if she will leave? Often that is all it takes. She said she wanted "space" after all. Suggest that she get her "space" in her own pad.

NOT YET

put the fear into your WW FIRST by not allowing her to assume you are home "waiting" while she is away

do that taking off with the kids a few times

then

follow WW on one of her trips
(arrange a babysitter)

confront them when they are together
take your brother or your buddy with you

"THIS woman is my wife that I love. Do you hear me or are you learning impaired?

You are homewrecking.

No real man behaves this way. Only a louse behaves this way.

Be a man.

Stay away from my family.

Get the message?"

aside: OM is not a cop is he?

Pep

Melody,

Yes, I've exposed to everyone on the list except the church; we don't have one.

She won't leave the house, I suggested it when she said she needed space. The jerk lives about four hours away and she won't move in with him because she doesn't want to quit her job.

My lawyer says I can't make her leave and I can't call it abandonment when she goes on her weekends because she is telling everyone she is visiting friends or relatives.

I've seen the jerk before the affair. He knows who I am and when I called him he lied and said nothing was going on (long after she admitted the affair). Says they are just friends.

But I think he can be intimidated. I think he is just using my wife. One of his employees told me he is a serial cheater and my wife is just the latest notch in his gun.

Mickey

what I have tried to outline
is a sort of weekend Plan B

whenever she chooses to leave ~~> you go DARK

like you & the kids have fallen off the face of the earth

seriously

this will cause her to rethink her weekends

Pep

let WW worry and wonder about your whereabouts for a change

but always invite her to stay with the family .... whenever she chooses to take off she knows she is risking DARK OUT on the homefront

this makes it HER choice to NOT know where you & the kids are

you ARE meeting her domestic needs to provide a safe home for the kids
... as well as a home she knows she can return to no matter what nasty business she's been up to

change that

introduce her to insecurity as to what you will do while she is away

after that is done

THEN confront the slimeball OM

Pep

Pepperband,

Thanks. I see it now. It will certainly help us take the "helpless victim" stamp off our foreheads!

when you stress WW this way ~~~> you put stress on the affair

a stress-ridden affair cracks apart

make her affair UNcomfortable as hayul

but when she is AT home ~~~> you Plan A as best you can
good luck

Pep

Thanks again! Time to put the kids to bed now.

one more thing

HOW is WW financing this affair?

Pep

She has a good paying job in the IT field.

If you had to go somewhere on a weekend wouldn't she have to stay at home with the kids? Why don't you tell her that you have plans on the weekend, preventing her from seeing the OM.

If she can leave every weekend as she pleases, I'd try and make it a little harder for her.