Not to be a downer, but I've recently read around here that exposure has done nothing. I know in my case it has made no impact what so ever. WH and OW just don't seem to care, and I think it actually brought them closer.

Maybe in my situation and in a few others it just didn't work?

What is your definition of "work"?

I mean does exposure hasten to bust up the affair, make the affair more uncomfortable etc. etc.

In my case it's done neither.

It didn't work for me. Made my wife so mad she moved out of our bedroom. She went and told everybody that I told about the affair that I didn't love her and that is why she had the affair. Some accepted that explanation, but the people who know me knew that was hogwash.

Exposure is designed to bring reality into the affair fantasy.

In this capacity it is 100% effective.

It isn't a magic pill.

Exposure is guaranteed to infuriate the WS *if* their reputation matters to them.

I'd go so far as to say the more anger they demonstrate...the better off you are [even if it doesn't seem like it in the immediate aftermath].

The WSs that unnerve me are the ones who have completely abandoned not only all ethics..but even the PRETENSE of ethics. These are the ones that take exposure with a wink and a smile.

In cases like that I strongly suspect either a personality disorder or a character issue.

So in short..exposure does not always result in the end of the affair...but it DOES always result in the affair being exposed for all to judge and also the WS character being exposed to the BS.

The MB process is designed to work a crisis situation into a plan. If you follow the plan you will have the ability to recover a marriage that is satisfying to both parties *if* the WS steps up to the plate at some point.

It is steadily progressive in upping the ante.

Plan A has about a 15% success rate..which should tell you that plan B is nearly ALWAYS necessary.

When all things work in combination over a period of time you will have a much better rule of measure to judge progress by.

Exposure was the number one tool that worked for me but it was not a cure-all for me. You must do a series of things, but the lovers do not want to be exposed. Exposure brings scrutiny to the affair by others. When the lovers now talk at the water fountain etc, others take notice. It brings an uncomfortableness to the relationship and it begins to bring reality to the actions of the lovers. I agree. if your WS is upset, it may be working more than they want you think.

Most BS's fear exposure because they don't want to drive the WS away so they agree to not expose. These people becomes enablers of the affair. The sneaky WS uses it against the BS, such as, "if you tell anyone, the marriage is over forever". etc.

Out of fear, BS's then make bargains with the devil, usually at the expense of the marriage. I hope this helps. BTW, most people who talk against exposure either hasn't tried it or maybe did it wrong, so they may not understand the real impact it has. I am sure exposure doesn't work in every case, but if the WS has fallen in love with another, what have you got to lose? I am talking from my own experience.

TooSoon

I always thought my WH was VERY respected at work and he NEVER wanted his reputation to be tarnished. I exposed at work. He didn't seem to care. He still hangs out with his best friend from work, and he was the first one I told. Kind of tells you the kind of people he hangs out with huh? They have no morals either.

Heck, his own mother had him and OW over for lunch recently. Does that make you sick or what??!!!

So yes, exposure helps bring the A out in the open for all to see, but if the infidels don't care, then there's not much you can do I guess.

Exposure is not some 100% guaranteed affair bullet and is not presented as such. Rather it is one part of a comprehensive plan designed to bust up the affair.

Exposure does have the effect, usually, of taking all the fun out of an affair by injecting reality into it. That often hastens its death.

And then we have the occasional case where exposure ends the affair THAT DAY. That is not common but it can happen. That happened in my case and in Pepperband's case.

CG,

That would be an example of your spouses environment being exposed to YOU.

He is surrounded by people who support this behavior..check.

His family will support it rather than be uncomfortable..check.

these are ALL things that you will need to know if and when you have the opportunity to recover.

CG:

My FWW worked in a State funded Mental health facility. The one marriage Counselor was on his 5th marriage and all of her co-workers were divorced and/or had kids out of wedlock, etc. Your environment will either raise you up or take you down. Scrutiny from personnel people are much more important than from drinking buddies. Parents will love their kids, no matter what they do.

Since you are not getting the reaction you were looking for, you may need to study the 180 degree program and learn how to become more indifferent. Maybe someone can post the program for you. Here is a link full of valuable information pertaining to affairs. Knowledge is power and I hope this helps.

http://www.surviving-infidelity-kit.com/

Don't give up, breaking an affair takes a long time and it is very painful. Recovering from an affair takes a couple of years and it is very painful. The only reason to save your marriage is to protect your family and to keep it intact and to rebuild the love that was once there. You must put you pride aside to have a chance.

TooSoon

Exposure ended my wife's affair in less than a week. And they were planning on leaving their spouses to shack up with each other before d-day. Exposure is ruinous to affairs.

Catgirl,

It has been noted in some threads (like Hiker's, for example) that exposure in a full blown romantic affair can actually be counter-productive. The drama caused by exposure may only throw those in a 'Romeo and Juliet' frame of mind closer together - 'the world is so against us - isn't it wonderful?' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That being said, I do not for one moment regret exposing my ex's affair to his family and work (he and OW are both teachers in a Catholic school).

It was worth trying because without it, my marriage was over anyway. Now, at least I can say that I tried!

Exposure kind of depends on those you expose to 'acting in the right way'. My Ex's family, rather than protesting at the affair, welcomed the OW. The Catholic school where they still work did nothing but talk to them both gently about 'compassion'.

I was hoping for full on war between MIL and the OW; I was hoping that the OW would be sacked, or at least severely repremanded.

Affairs make cowards of the most unexpected people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Exposure also made my ex genuinely hate me. I know this is common, but the feeling of hatred goes away if the affair ends and recovery begins. If the affair continues, then so does the hatred, unfortunately.

Please note that I am not saying that exposure isn't a great weapon in the BS armory. But in the most extreme of romantic affair cases, it isn't always effective.

It's still worth trying, however, because the marriage is over anyway if you don't.

Just my $0.02.

Alph.

By the way, I still expose the affair whenever I get the chance. Occasionally I will talk to someone who had no idea that my ex left me for another woman 'Oh, he told us you were already separated' etc etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Now it's nothing to do with saving my marriage (which is dead and buried) but everything to do with truth and justice!

I don't go around billboarding, but if people ask me, boy do I tell them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Read Melody Lane's post. Exposure isn;t a magic bullet to kill affairs. Its exposes the bindings of an affair to the light.

My wifes A was a deeply entangled romantic A. Exposure bought OMS GF on board and with both of us policing them it killed their affair.

I think that Squid was much more 'romantically' involved than the OM, b0b - am I right?

If only one of the affair partners is romantically involved, then the A will end by the other dumping them - exposure is sure to help in these cases as the 'less involved' party decides the A isn't worth it. If both are equally involved, then the A can last a lifetime (for 3%, anyway), despite exposure.

Alph.

we ar eviolently agreeing Alph. I wasn't pointing my reply to you, you were just the one credited as my "reply to" sorry ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Exposure hasn't done much in my situation, because my WH immigrated to my country 6 months ago effectively 'running away' from everyone who knew him (and that was ALOT of people within a church community where his father was pastor) and so is out here not knowing anyone (or at least not wanting to have anything to do with the people he does know out here), has himself a great job, nice apartment, meeting new friends and carrying on a long-distant relationship with his girlfriend and STILL has no desire to be in our marriage. I guess it's the perfect recipe to start anew with her...in a new country...where no-one but my friends and family (who he couldnt' care less about anyway) knows what he did and is still doing.

Now I just sit and wait for 'her' to arrive....

CG:

Here is a post I took from another thread. It descibes the 180 program. Read it and see what you think.


TooSoon
---------

The 180 is done starting with Plan A. Plan B is no contact to let affair run its course, but 180 is fully implemented in Plan A.

Here's the 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow spouse around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what spouse will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show spouse someone they would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with yur spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 5% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes

Thanks Too!

Mel is right, as in my case it ruined any chance that OM would pop up in my kids lives once I was gone. He has NO chance now as he is persona no gratta with WW's family, not to mention I would make sure he received the beating of his life if I ever caught him around my kids.

I found out about my WW's PA by recording her and OM in a parking garage during working hours which symbolizes an affair since it is dark and sleazy. I exposed this to WW's family and I am certain it scared OM while ruining my WW's fantasy.

We may not recover, but I know for sure OM will not enter my kids lives as a NEW friend. In that sense it was 100% effective in my case.