I'm torn between whether I should bother dating again or just accept a life alone and try to find other things to fill my time. My WH absolutely crushed me with his sudden decision to dump me after 16 very hapy years (really, they were). He wouldn't discuss it and couldn't even give me a lame, "Sorry." It was like I never existed. Now anytime I allow myself to start thinking a guy is cute, my thoughts are suddenly overwhelmed with "Why bother? He's just going to dump you. You won't be happy. The fun is only temporary" and I ignore his advances or worse, tell him to $#@! off when he didn't even do anything! I am MISERABLE. I hate men, myself, my life. I know it takes time to move on, but I'm really beginning to think it's not going to happen for me. MY WH was my true soulmate, and even though I'm over him, I just can't forget. HELP!

Shandy,

Does it have to be one or the other? I don't think it has to be so black and white. I'm extremely picky and date very rarely but I'm not lonely.

I know it's an adjustment when you're used to being half of a couple. When you've been dumped I think it's important to remember that "one man's trash is another man's treasure." The next guy may very well NOT treat you like your ex. Besides, after you've lived through being dumped once, is the possibility of being dumped again really that big of a deal? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In a strange way, you've been given an opportunity. Now you can focus on your own growth and pursue activities that interest you. I've done some things I never really had the time to devote to before. This past summer I ran my first half marathon. That was after 12 weeks of training and about 300 miles later. Next summer, I plan to do a full marathon. I was so busy being married that I Just never got around to it.

I really don't think it's a good idea to date until you've gotten past hating men and yourself.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, I can understand the problem. YOu must realize that it is not fair to saddle every man you date with your ex's baggage. The reality is we suffer from a fear of being abandoned again. That is very real, and needs to be dealt with. Hating men is silly. I can assure you that women can be just as mean, selfish and cold hearted as men. My ex is living proof of that. So is the guy she had an affair with.

I have even dated women who I found out later turned out to still be married. See! Women do that stuff too!!!!!

Shandy--How long have you been divorced? Like one of the previous posts you have an opportunity. All Crises is opportunity-oppotunity to change. Don't paint all us males as horeses behinds. Some of us are but most of us are not. johoman

Shandy,

You are suffering through a VERY common post-divorce trauma syndrome. The old "I'm lonely, will I ever be married again or am I FOREVER doomed to a life of singleness" question....

# 1) It's not so stark as you're painting it. It just feels like it right now.

# 2) Don't kick the supreme GIFT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (you read that right) of singleness to the curb so quickly!! Turn this era into one of the finest times of your life!!! You alone can. So go for it!!!!

# 3) Whatever you allow yourself to "hate" ends up controlling you...do you really, REALLY want this to be true???

The One who made you has a plan...time to line up with His plan for you now. It is extremely fulfilling & grand by the way!!!!

Kind Regards,
High Flight

Thanks to everyone for their support. I guess I have some time to go yet. WH told me in July 2005 that he was leaving me; we're not yet divorced. We're just getting to the depositions and maybe that's why I've been so bummed lately. I did a stupid thing a few months after he told me which was hooking up with another guy. We never did anything; it was more of an attempt to make WH jealous in the hopes that he would suddenly realize he didn't want to lose me, but it didn't work. OM and I have kept in touch, but neither of us wants it to be a "real" relationship. Now WH is saying it was my adultery (we were never intimate) that led to the breakup of the marriage and is claiming he never had a relationship with his OW. I have an email thread between the two of them that leaves nothing to the imagination, but I can't help thinking he's going to win this because I did see OM for a few weeks. Meanwhile he's already bought a big new house and has hired the best attorney in town (with money coming from her parents, I'm sure), while I've been eating mac & cheese in a crappy little apartment in Crimeville for the last year and half. I'm so depressed I want nothing to do with anyone anymore!

Dear Shandy. As much as it's hard to...Do NOT isolate right now. You need support beyond MB forum. Please find a church group & join a divorce support group ASAP!!!

It will make a night & day difference for you. Also, can you take some anti-depression meds? Or herbs? You need that right now too in my opinion.

Don't give up my sister!!! YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!!

Praying for you tonight,
High Flight

Why not enjoy both some time with other people and some time with yourself. The important thing is to realize that bieng alone is not a crime and not a bad thing. Just make sure you keep some social avenues open.