I just posted to you on your previous thread, here it is again....
The reason why I asked those questions is that the answers form the basis of what you mean to your husband and what he means to you. You see none of us are very adapt at reading minds so it becomes a dangerous practice for a spouse to ASSUME that they know how their partner feels about something without actually discussing it. You each have certain traits, behaviors, qualities and character makeup that are very important to who you are. What I am suggesting is that you and he have KEY “emotional needs”. The best part is that if you KNOW what those needs are (in you and him) then you potentially hold the key to his heart.
Often time we hope our partner discovers what is important to us without us having to tell them. I mean, after all, “Can’t he/she see how I feel?” Unfortunately, the answer is too often, “NO”, they can’t see or understand what or why you feel the way you do. Letting such feeling go unanswered leads to dangerous assumptions regarding the state of your relationship. Perhaps you may think that he doesn’t love you or care about you because he fails to see or understand that you are hurting. In fact he may care about you more then you know but his true feeling are lost in your “disrespectful judgment”. I am merely suggesting that you consider letting him off the hook and tell him what is important to you and he could consider doing likewise. That sounds like a healthy growing relationship of love to me, how about you?
Do you recall what initially attracted you to the other man? I am willing to bet that you had an unmet emotional need that this other man was able to answer. There is nothing wrong with you as we all have such needs. I might suggest however, that it would be much nicer to have your husband meet that need instead of some other guy. Additionally, if YOU know what your needs are then you become conscious when someone other then your husband is tapping into them. In other words, you are able to protect yourself from such intrusions. Affairs are not possible in such conditions.
Your answer to my initial question indicates that you may have not given much thought to emotional needs but I suspect that may soon change.
Most men have similar emotional needs and women have their set of similar emotional needs. Still in any particular marriage the most important needs vary a bit. Almost all affairs are born from those needs either being starved in the marriage or being met by someone outside of the marriage or both.
This web site lists those needs as follows, 1.) affection, 2.) sexual fulfillment, 3.) conversation, 4.) recreational companionship, 5.) honesty and openness, 6.) physical attractiveness, 7.) financial support, 8.) domestic support, 9.) family commitment, and 10.) admiration.
Somewhere in that list are the things that are most important to you and him. I hope you give much thought to this. I will suggest to you the “love” is nothing more then the generous exchange of loving actions that take place between two people; each action feeding on the next to form an inseparable and long lasting bond. I think you can guess that your MOST important emotional needs are the gateway for the exchange of these loving actions. What do you think?
I see that you have solicited help from a counselor. Perhaps this person will be able to provide you with additional insights into why and how you feel as you do. Perhaps this person will give you the tools to cope with your present situation and to further grow. Perhaps this person will help you to better relate to your husband so that your relationship with him will grow and prosper. Perhaps this person will give you the path to self-confidence to know that you are OK. I might suggest that you settle for nothing less. Ask a lot of questions and use your common sense to determine if this person is skilled enough to benefit you. Not all counselors have the gift to best benefit their clients so don’t be afraid to be discriminating in your review.
Finely, while I applaud your efforts to take the courage to improve yourself, you will find that it takes both husband and wife to reach the finish line, alas you cannot do it alone. I urge you to share your travels and growth with your husband so that he can likewise grow. I suspect that he has much to learn, certainly no less then you. One day he might surprise you and accompany you to a marriage counseling session. He thinks he is tough as nails but I assure you that he has all the frailties that ALL human beings have. While you get full credit for being the one to have the affair he appears to have responsibility in practicing poor relationship skills that have been detrimental to your marriage. In the meantime take care of yourself, ask a lot of questions and accept nothing less then personnel growth in your travels. It is YOU that matters. You must take care of YOU and I will suggest that everyone around you will benefit.
Mr. G
