I need help sorting out my emotional response to my situation. My wife (of 5 years) admitted to having a "close" friendship with a man at work. As our marriage has been falling apart for the past 3 months she has been going to him for emotional support. I have a gut feeling for months that some thing was going on- dressing a little "sexier" for work, personal grooming and hygeine at the highest level I have ever seen, late nights at work (4-5 days/week), and overly critical of me and my decisions, etc. She tells me they are just friends and have never left the premises of her company together. But she finds him fascinating... in his mid-30, single, loves to go out, highly promiscuous. She comes across as finding him and his lifestyle titilating. For weeks now she has regaled me with anecdotes of his dating life. She has even drawn comparisons of me to him- "He's really into art and painting, you know, like you used to be". I have asked what is going on between them previously, and I am told that they just work together. I have asked what are they discussing at work that she would know all of this- "We are either talking about work or trading stories about our kids". Three days ago I found out that she had invited him over to our house while out was out of town. The kids were home, my wife said she planned it this way so that I would not feel uncomfortable about a strage man beig in the house with my wife. I finally was able to get her to admit the true relationship that they had. While they are not sexually involved, they both consider the other to not be their type (so it was considered), they have become close enough friends that my wife feels free to spend hours after work with him discussing our marriage and making plans to become involved in social circle. While I am at home with the kids watching my marriage wither from neglect and abandonment. My wife has always put her career before the family, she is proud to call herself a workaholic, this has been the main contributing factor to the ruining of our marriage. Now this "friendship", she has put this relationship above ours and I don't know what to do. She has lied to conceal it, but hse feels that she has done nothing wrong.

AM I WRONG IN HOW I PERCIEVE THE SITUATION? I FEEL BETRAYED AND DOWN IN MY HEART I FEEL AS THOUGH SHE HAS CHEATED ON ME. AM I OFF BASE?

WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS ARE MY FEELINGS JUSTIFIED OR AM I BEING THE SELFISH ONE HERE.

HOW DO I OVERCOME THESE FEELINGS AND TRY TO WORK ON SAVING MY MARRIAGE?

I NEED HELP multiple choice
	I need help
Votes accepted starting: 11/08/06 10:15 AM
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PLEASE, ignore the vote stuff. I'm new at this forum and unsure of what buttons to hit.

All I really need is helpful advice please.

Thank you

Well, to start with your Spouse is showing all of the "classical" signs of an extra-marital affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It this point it may be an EA. But my gut tells me that it is already a PA. Don't be surprised / blindsided by this. Steel yourself to be able to handle this news. An EA is usually just waiting for the right opportunity to become a PA. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

As you have already noticed she is becoming more and more critical of you. This is very typical WS behavior. It goes along the line of "a good defense is a strong offence". This is typically a method the WS's use to alleviate their guilt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Something else that you may notice very soon is the rewriting of "Marital History". As an example, take any generic good marital memory that you have. Imagine any way in which it could be twisted to make the WS the "victim" and you the brutish "abuser". This is also a typical method the WS uses to alleviate their guilt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My first order of business would be to find out what is REALLY going on. Do NOT expect the WS to give you the "truth". WS's lie... a lot... and they are very good at it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Your spouse had already admitted to having a "friendship". She will likly not admit to anything more than that without overwhelming evidence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Check out the link below: it will help you to really discover what is going on. And remember what I said about steeling yourself for what you might discover. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


Read as much as you can on this website. There is a lot of good info available. Much of it seems counter intuitave but IT DOES WORK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Start off with the info on Plan A.

If you have questions / concerns / need to vent. Come back and post.

One other item for you to consider: Moveing / reposting on GQII. There is a lot more traffic there and you are much more likely to get more responces.

Stay strong.

You are not off-base. Based on your post, your WW is obviously having an EA, and it probably is a PA (based on my own personal experience - I got the "just a good friend" argument as well).

WTF's given you some good advice (well, apart from moving your post to the GQII forum - you may get more answers, but your post may get lost in the noise: sometimes "more" does not necessarily mean "better").

It's time for plan A / evidence gathering / exposure. I wish you good luck: a WS is not the easiest of creatures to deal with. It might help to to think of her as an alien walking around in your W's body...

CT:

Maybe you don't want to hear from me, I am a WS. So I am on the other side of the coin.

But you are in the right spot. MB works. And can save your Marriage. Are you ready?

People here will describe your WS as in the FOG and an Alien. Remember that.

But, review the "most important empotional needs" to the right on this website.

Order His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this website. Today. Surviving an Affair (SAA) is a good choice too.

Then figure out what was going wrong in your M. Before you can fix it, you need to know what was wrong.

And this doesn't just mean your WS is wrong. She has made a very wrong choice, just as I did. But please understand that for 4 years, you were married and things were going on that you still do not understand. Learning about EN's can go a long way to fixing that. My understanding did not occur until I found this web-site and I had been M for 15 years.

And that made all the difference in the world to recovering our M.

This is not putting the blame at your doorstep. But a M is a two person boat. An A is an Ax that chops up the bottom of the boat. And the WS is the one swinging it. And refuses to listen to you. Or your attempts to stop the swinging. And the WS will rewrite the history as noted above, and say that you drove her to do it.

Like I said, are you ready?

Please help someone
i'm a broken hearted 38 year old with a husband who doesn't realise what he's got.how do you recover after finding out?

Welcome, Anne, to MarriageBuilders...you've found your way to what I think is the best place to be on the web to recover your marriage.

First, make your own thread...that means going to Main Index, clicking on Infidelity General Questions II forum and then on the "Post" button...

Then you can post the details of your life...how long married, children, when your WH's (wayward husband) A (affair) began...when you found out (known as DDay)...what you've learned about Plan A and Plan B...if you've been reading all of Dr Harley's articles on this website...of if you've begun to read or have read his Surviving An Affair...

Give your particulars, share your stuff and you'll get a lot of responses...all on your own thread, where you can follow and respond.

You are not alone. There's a whole process you can decide to take when you decide to save your marriage.

And from my experience, it is the most awesome, intense journey possible.

Welcome. We're glad you're here.

LA

ctwelsh:

R U still around?

Yooo Hoooo!

CT?

How are you doing?

Ok, 4 weeks into marriage councilling. Wife still maintains that there was no affair/cheating (EA or PA). That teh friendship falls within a "gray area", even though no one (not even the councilor) believes that a close friendship of a married woman to a single man is appropriate. Reading the books on relationships and rebuilding mentioned here on the website. Wife is even trying to read through them. Making the changes necessary to make myself happy and make the marriage work. So even if the marriage fails I will come out of it knowing I did my best and I'm a better man for it.

Dear Ctwelsh,
Just wanted to support you that you are not off base in your feelings about your wife's actions. If she was keeping secrets from you about her relationship with this guy as well as the amount of time she was spending interacting with him, it was an EA. Certainly sounds like she had an infatuation over him. Your feelings about the whole thing are normal.

I was fortunate in that my FWH did not stay in his EA fog for very long. It only took a couple days after my discovery of his activities that he came out of his fog and gladly wrote the no contact letter. It really is a slippery slope from--- a little communication in secret--- to--- an EA ----to---- a PA. Too bad that she cannot yet admit that it was an EA.

Lake

I'll stand by my original advise CT.

"special friends" that are in "gray areas" of your M are a MAJOR RED FLAG.

In case you haven't run across this yet. "MC is ineffectuall if one of the spouses in involed in an affair (EA or PA)."

Ask if she is willing to go NO CONTACT with her "special friend" and be totally transparent (same goes for you) while you work on your M. Her reaction to this request will speak volumes!

I wish you and yours the best of luck!

BTW: CT: It was good to here back from you!

I was beginning to worry that you had left.

A "NO CONTACT" agreement is not possible. Wife works with "friend" and is his boss. She runs the small company and he's one of her managers.

So, I will continue to work on me. If she wants to stay married than changes will have to be made. Not likely, but still possibility. I have seen as many have posted else where, that the cheating spouse is oblivious to the consequences and the hypocracy of what they are doing. In a conversation a year ago about some one else doing the same thing behind a fiances back, my wife considered it to be cheating. Now that it is her, it is not the same, and the only one with a problem is me, and I should get over it.

It's hard to remember that you can only work on you. If your spouse wants to stay and work on the marriage they will. But they have to do it themselves, you can't fix everything. Sometimes the marriage may not be fixable whether the affair was a PA or just an EA, both will damage the marriage the same. The EA I believe is worse because your spouse may delude themselves into believing that no one is being hurt, where in a PA they know that it wrong.

Time hurts. You will jump into the reconciliation and MC with great gusto but your spouse will not. Some thing may or may not have been wrong before the affair, but they will see their infidelity as not the source of he problem. Just a symptom. They may even be right. But it does not justify breaking their marriage vows. It will take time to discern if they will work to restore the marriage. You can't rush them or you will push them back to their lover.

So, work on yourself, make it right between you and GOD, and just take it a day at a time.

Have you exposed yet?

Exposure is best done once in one large tsunami of truth. Make sure to tell anyone whom will have any influence upon them. Clergy, Supervisors, Friends, Family, etc...

Use your knowledge of her and OM to determine whom the best exposure targets are. OMW / GF (if there is one) is a prime #1 target.

DO NOT expose to a few people here, a few people there (ie. incremental exposure). Exposing in this manner will allow them to concoct stories and lessen the effect of your exposure. You do not want this to happen.

WW will not be mad at this exposure. She will be FURIOUS!!!

She will most likely spew venom at you that you never new existed. She will spout things like "Now you've blown it", "I was going to consider reconsilling with you but not after this!". This is typical WS bile. They all say this! Just be prepared for this.

Your marriage can servive your wife's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

It is now time to take active role in trying to save your M. Exposure is step 1.

Keep posting back. We'll help you through this.

So are you Owners / Partners in this business or is this just a job?

If this is "just a job" I would highly reccomend workplace exposure. Just tell the HR / Owners what is going on and ask what they are going to do about this. It will not take a business owner / HR department long to figure out the vulnerable position that these employees have put them in.

One of the unfortunate consequences of a workplace A is that one HAS to leave. Usually both wind up leaving because things become "uncomfortable" for the one that remains. I have seen this play out many times through out the years.

Do Not be afraid of standing up and telling the Truth!

Stay Strong!

It's funny. my wife dosn't believe that she has cheated. She agrees that during our rough patch she had emotionally and physically disconnected herself from me and the children for months. But the fact that at the same time she developed this "friendship" with another man at work is only coincindental. That she only kept teh friendship a secret so as not to cause me to be jelous. The fact is that she has chosen her job (she chooses to work 60-70 hrs/week) consistantly over our marriage and spending time with the family. Now she has chosen the friendship of another man over me. I have been told by the councilor that this could be a deep friendship only from my wifes point of view, that the OM may just look upon this as "work relationship" that has gotten a little personal at times. That the buildup to a "new best friend" and the need to socialize outside of work may be coming from my wife only. How do I find this out? Do I go to him? What if turns out that the feelings are mutual? How do I live with that?