So I'm wondering after a year of dealing with WH-How do you know you should try to fix your marriage? How do you deal with the fact that your H was quite possibly in love with someone else? He says he isn't and wasn't but his actions definately indicated he was so what do I believe? I read in Not Just Friends that you know if you can picture a future wuth that person but I can picture my future both with and without him. How do I know which one is a realistic option. He says the A is over but I have my doubts. I can't imagine not having doubts. The future I see without him seems so much more paeceful but is that real or just because my heart is broken and my trust for him and our marriage has been shattered? Please help-I'm exhausted and need some relief.

Mellysue

Oh Melly- can I ask if you're on AD's? Especially with having a new baby and going through all this drama!

I dont' know your sitch, I'll go look- but all I know is it takes TIME, and lots of it, to get over the doubts. I know my BH is still unsure if he wants to stay married. And I've been in NC for 7 months, totally fog free.

He did the worst thing he could do to you and your family. If he's at all like a F WH,(as in, not WH anymore, but former) he's trying to come to terms with how he could be so awful to his family and how he couldl have been so immoral and wondering if you ever will really forgive him or if you're just going to walk away, after all you have the best reason of all.

And having 3 kids of my own, I know life can be hard right after giving birth- so get some medical help if you need to, it doesnt' have to be forever, just until the stress eases.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My H says he is sorry but it never feels like he is. I'm not in his head but I uesd to and thats the hardest thing to deal with. My story is so complicated-he's done so much more damage than I ever thought possible before and after our newest addition. It was supposed to be over in May but 2 wks after our son was born he was having lunch with her so she didn't think he forgot her birthday. Among the other things I have posted-which is a lot. He went to one session of MC but realized he would actually have to deal with his childhood and bailed. I told him how proud I was of him for going and he took that as permission to never go again. I was in IC for the duration of the A and he later used that as ammunition to accuse me of not loving him because I no longer took on everything including his responsibilities. I tend to be a people pleaser and wasn't making him be responsible for his part in our life-I was just taking all the stuff on alone. Your perspective is so helpful as you have been where he's at and right now all I can think is-someone who loves you doesn't do this to you so how do I believe he loves me?

Melly

Melly,
look at his actions...not his words.
is he making you feel safe? has he written a NC letter?
is he transparent? trying to meet your EN's?
is he helping with the kids? making couple time?

how do you know you're not in his head? can you ask him whether he thinks about you during the day? maybe he does, but doesn't say so.

cgw

I think part of the problem is his actions. He says he doesn't love her but his actions say he does. I don't feel safe anymore. He's constantly making fun of the situation i.e I don't know what kind of gifts to get you but I know the perfect gift for her. Or he'll be like you're right I love her. He refuses a NC letter saying there's no point if he's not talking to her. He feels a mile away all the time. He focuses on his ENs but thinks mine aren't logical because they're different than his. He tries to help but not any more than absolutely necessary. Part of our problem has been that all he wants is couple time. As far as being in his head-my gut says he loves her and not me. He claims to think about me but I'm npt sure I believe him. He told me he thought about me and loved me while he was telling me that he couldn't imagine his life without the OW. The problem is that his words don't match his actions.

Melly