It all started this January when the W decided that she liked a certain actor. He has a web site with chat rooms and forums. I paid no attention to this as it seemed like a bunch of woman wooing over a HOT male actor. Then in June this group had a convention in Las Vegas, and you can guess it started after this.

I started noticing changes in my W. First she started to lose weight (which I supported), then she got a tatoo (I thought was kind of weird but supported), then she bought new Thong underwear (and didn't tell me I found it in the laundry), she also started wearing more makeup and fixing her hair. There are more things but I will cut to the chase and say all this stuff did not add up so I started monitoring her online activity. Needless to say I found some interesting emails to a this OM from her. The OM lives in Canada and just happened to be at the convention in Vegas.

I found that she was talking about me as her EX and the problems I was giving her about the kids. I don't recall any of the things that she was telling him. Well to make a long story shorter she has been sending this guy money and naked pictures of herself.

I asked her to stop this and she stated that she had. Of course I am still monitoring and it has not stopped. She has sent him more pics since I found out.

What has happened since.. We are in Counselling, and she is not telling the counsellor the truth about it either. I have separated all our accounts and cancelled her credit cards. I have seen a lawyer who recommend Dr Harley's books and told me to try them. I got "His needs her needs" and "Suriving a affair" in the mail today and will start reading now.

About us
Married 12 years
Two kids age 8 and 10
I am 43 she is 44

Thank you for this great site
Ron

Ron:

Sorry you have to be here. But you are in a great place to fix this M. And kudos to your lawyer for recommending Dr. Harley's books.

First, stay around. There is support here, but you have to stay with us to get it, OK?

Your wife is in an Emotional Affair (EA) possibly a Physical Affair (PA) if they met in Las Vegas. But the other man (OM) is in Canada, not here, use that to your advantage.

Read HNHN and SAA, they will help you with what you are going to have to do and what comes next.

And when reading HNHN, reflect on what your M was really like before this EA/PA started. You will start hearing about all your failures, what we call rewriting marital history around here. But, this was the state of your M before Jan 06. You might think it is horrible now, but it is going to get worse. And then, since you know what was wrong, you can start improving it.

I am proof that this site works.

But, your Wayward Spouse (WS) must get on board as well, if your M is going to be terriffic!

Well I looked at her online activity today and it seems that she has sent him more money. It is her money that she is sending but I am not sure what to do about it.
As I read they seem to be making plans to get together on New Years eve. She talked to him like we are already divorced but the paper work has not been filed yet, that I know of. Is there a way for me to find out before I am served?

Also should I write to him and tell him what is going on? My counsellor said not to and I don't see what point it would serve but in a way I want to.

I am so frustrated with this whole thing but if she is not onboard with saving it yet how can I work on it. Shouldn't it be a team effort?

Thank you
Ron

Ron--

I replied to your post on "GQII" forum and didn't have all of your background.

She's not onboard yet because she's still in the affair. The fantasy continues. If there was a PA during her trip to Vegas, then she's in deeper than an EA/Online affair. If she's making plans to see him at New Years, then a PA is looking more probable.

The affair must end before you can begin to see her working on saving your marriage.

I would advise collecting all your evidence and as suggested on the other thread, sitting down with her and explaining what you know and what your boundaries are.

Tell her you know she is speaking as if you are getting divorced. If she does have you served with divorce papers, or threatens to, make it clear to her you WILL NOT go quietly. You love her, you love your family and you WILL FIGHT for them. You have evidence she has been unfaithful and sent money to him and that will make child custody more difficult for her to attain. Ensure she knows that it will be painful and expensive for her to divorce you. This may help snap her out of her fantasy.

Regarding the OM, can you find out more about who he is and if he's married or has a family? Exposure to them would go a long way to helping him "see the light". It could be that your wife is lying to him about the state of your marriage and he thinks you are divorcing. Perhaps exposing the truth to him might not hurt.

Blessings.

Thanks,
I have confronted her with it verbally but have not showed her how I am getting the information. She already thinks that I have violated her trust when I told her I was reading her emails so she opened Yahoo accounts and changed all her passwords, including putting one on her computer. So She just went deeper into hiding with the OM. All this did was cause her to lie about it to me and the counsellor. She tells us that she is not talking to him. Typical responses from SAA book.

I have told her that I will get the kids is she files for divorce and told her that the house will be mine and she will be the one on her own. She just laughs at this because her "ONLINE" advice is that she is the woman and will take me to the cleaners.
I personally think that she has an addiction to the internet. SHe spends almost all her free time online and chatting. She neglects the house (no cleaning), the kids (they make their own dinner and lunch), and of course me. But I try and take up the slack and clean and feed the kids but I also have to work.
How can I get her to see the light at what she is doing? I asked her to move out but she told me to go. Which my lawyer said not to do.
The OM is single as far as I know. He talked in emails about breaking up with his girlfriend. He is a slef employed screen writer (or so he thinks) and is 10 years her junior. But she is playing as if she is his age. I have his email address and know his website and myspace account. I have not contacted him because I think that he is just using her for the pics and money. A guy that wants to get turned on by females on the internet.

Lost and hoping to convience her to see the light. What should I tell the counsellor? My WW?

Thanks
Ron

Ron--

I know it's tough to be strong through all of this. Your wife is clearly in the fog about it all.

You've done the right thing by separating your accounts.

She is clearly still in contact with him (or others?).

Others might weigh in here, but you might try posting a comment on his MySpace site -- explain to all those who read his site how he's tearing apart your family. Let his other "friends" know what he's participating in.

You could get some advice from others here about your "chances" with a divorce -- I think they're good, but I'm not an expert. I would suggest you find some legal advice on how things might turn out and show her that her chances aren't that great.

You're right in not leaving. I, too, was contemplating it after D-Day, and was advised not to go.

Does she have any family or friends that could help "snap" her out of it? Her mom or sister?

She has to stop and you need to decide on what you will do if she goes to see him or he comes to see her.

I would be sure to document the money and time she spends/neglects the kids. Get someone to witness the neglect so they can testify on your behalf.

Stay strong.

Thank you,
Yes I agree that she is still in the fog and is still sending him emails and pictures. Not sure if she is doing it currently with anyone else. I have not seen that in my spying.

I ask her Mom and Sister and they both just want to stay neutral and not take sides. I guess if they do not want to be placed in the bad side of her but they are not helping the marriage any. So no help from her family. I do have one of her good friends on my side that has told her that she can not talk to her anymore because of what she is doing. I told the friend and this pissed the WW off.

I know what I will do if I catch wind of her seeing him. The locks on the house will be changed and her clothes will be waiting for her in the driveway. Not much that I can do about that. It has not come to the threat level yet. But I know that is my course to try and snap her out of it.

I have been documenting the money. I have not thought about the witness yet. Not sure how I can get that done. It is the not feeding them regular meals and cleaning the house that she is neglectful of. The kids do tend to eat themselves when they get hungry as long as I have the food in the house for them.

I am staying as strong and non confrontational as I can right now. It may come to being hard soon if she doesn't see the light. She won't take part in any discussions. I am trying to get her to do the emotional survey and read HNHN. But so far she has shown no interest.

Taking it one day at a time. May cancel the internet service to the house for a little while. Then she can only get online at work.

Thank you for the support
Ron

So in reality, they are on the side of the affair. They need to see this.

They need to understand that your wife isn't going to pull her head out on her own and needs some help.

Ask them if your wife was addicted to prescription medication and didn't see it as a problem, would they remain neutral? If her addiction was causing her to spend money on pills that could be spent on the children and ignore the children's needs so she could sit in a drug-induced stupor all day, would they stand by and watch. If you begged for them to tell her she needs to get help to end her destructive addiction, would they say, "we'd rather not get involved"?

Tell them to first pull their heads out -- if only for your kids (her mom's grandkids) sake.

Blessings