My husband had an emotional affair over the internet 4 years ago. They used classmates as a tool to communicate after NC rule 3 yrs. ago and indirectly by posting information and updates on their lives off and on. Since he is not allowed to go there any more and after 4 years he is on myspace and is able to read and see information,pictures etc. about her life and vice a versa. He said he was hoping the OP marriage and family is ok and was glad to see it seems to be, and also wanted her to know that his is too. I told him I understood and hoped that meant he would not need to go and check on her regularly but he said he is curious and interested in that family and would continue to check. He has told me he is completely over the love issue with her but is just interested in her life, and he seems to think I should be ok with this. He says I can't let it go and he is so tired of this subject comming up every so often, but he does'nt seem to realize it would not come up if he wouldn't ACT upon this interest. Any thoughts on this? I still thinks he gets a fix from this.

He needs to STOP!! I had an internet/phone EA and I know if I were to start it up with OM again- or anyone else, for that matter- BH would leave without a second thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He IS getting a fix. The addiction is still there, just controlled through strict and TOTAL NC!!!!

Why does he care? Is he checking on all his other classmates? Does he not care about your marriage? And what is a grown man doing on myspace anyway? I think that's totally wrong.

He needs to focus on his OWN family, not someone elses.

And I know what I'm talking about.

Hiya, haf!

How about discerning the true issue...get to the truth of his choice...

His "interest" comes before his marriage...doesn't protect the marital boundary. NC is for the rest of his life. When he holds his interest above protection for the marriage, you and his family, then it is no longer interest, is it?

Essentially, it hasn't been he wasn't allowed to go to classmates these last four years...he chose not to...honoring his marriage, owning his actions and protecting his boundaries as well as marital ones.

Now he's choosing not to with Myspace...any knowledge is contact...especially him wanting her to know his family is okay...which by doing so, violates his own family, doesn't it?

Puts HER above his wife...and you've been there, done that...so...get to this issue...not distracted by saying what is right or wrong...it is unhealthy for his family, himself and his partner for him to know anything about OW...because he made her an enemy of his marriage when he chose to have the A.

He, no longer, is an enemy. He stopped attacking his marriage...well, not protecting boundaries can feel like he is back to attacking his marriage.

Your feelings are reasonable...Harley says NC for life...no ifs/ands/or buts. It would be like saying, "Hey, woman who murdered my child...how you doing? How's your life? Is it destroyed, 'cause I still feel guilt for not locking my door that night and gave you access. Mine's great, so stop feeling guilty now, 'k? " When someone murders your child, they forfeit contact for life...they can be repentant and be forgiven...remains a boundary for life that they have no contact with your family.

If you remember me, I'm the one who was a timekeeper...I wanted to keep tabs on every person from my past...and my choice put the past before the present...I harmed my family, my marriage and myself...letting go being a timekeeper is difficult. Can be done. I made it my goal. I chose to contact only those same-sex people to keep in touch with...and by doing so, honor and respect their marriages and lives and mine.

Anyone my DH has a problem with me keeping in touch with, I don't. For any reason. He comes first...my marriage comes first.

And I don't know the future...not even an hour from now...so I protect my marital boundaries by not attempting to discern if contact might turn out to be harmful or not...and choose to believe all contact is harmful with OPs...knowledge is...my mind went and dwelled in that fantasy enough for me to know that they are not part of my life in anyway...and I control my thoughts. I'm responsible for them.

Communication exercises...really hearing what your H is thinking, what EN might be in this "interest" is important. Not to fix...to know. Be intimate and close; safe and knowing without judging.

LA

Edited to add: Like MrsRob says...where your thoughts dwell, there is your treasure. That is the danger in anyway contact for life; so that's a great signal to indicate his mind is going in unhealthy directions.