Two years ago this week, my STBXCH came home from a trip a cheating husband. Well, the roller coaster ride is at a new hill now. The divorce process is plugging away at a much faster and expensive pace than I thought possible. We have been doing financial reports, appraisals and parenting plans.

On Friday, we are scheduled for mediation session that could last all day. We've got to hammer out all of the financial and parenting issues.

The financial stuff shouldn't be too bad. We're a family without a lot of debt and many assets. I've caught a few things STXCH has fudged on. He's changed his financials to almost double his expenses. He's undervalued stock. It's all pretty transparent. It can be worked through.

Unfortunately, STBXCH and his lawyer have decided to use DD as a pawn in this game. The parenting plan we developed is based upon the way our lives are actually are. DD lives with me in our family house. She and I make the decisions on her activities, her friends, her classes, etc. I take her to her doctor and dentist appointments, practices, concerts...everything. It's been this way since she was born. Her dad is a no-show. I facilitate a weekly "date" with DD and her dad. He rarely initiates anything. I encourage her to phone him. Much of this is against DD's will. It's not easy to make a teenager do these things.

STBXCH has responded with a desire for 50-50 custody. He wants her to live at his 1-bedroom apartment every other week. He wants joint decision making on EVERY ONE of her activities with NO EXCEPTION. He has set an absurdly low $ limit on what any of DD's activities can cost.

My lawyer believes it's a ploy to hammer me down. She thinks that somewhere near the end of the mediation session, STBXCH and his lawyer will pull the custody card in order to get me to agree to a lesser settlement. Not a very ethical way of doing things.

Fortunately, I keep records of everything. I keep a daily log of all phonecalls or lack of calls and activities. I have all of the emails arranging his times with DD. I've got plenty of witnesses who can testify about whose been at DD's games, worked in her classroom, been her Girl Scout leader and taken her to friends. I've tried to keep DD out of it but my lawyer wanted me to ask her opinion. DD does not want to be shuttled between houses. She wants to live with me in our house and see her dad occasionally. So, while it's disturbing, it's not too horrible.

I wish it was different. I wished my children had always had a father who had been involved in their lives. I wished STBXCH had been there for his kids more than just financially. That would have made my parenting plan very different. Heck, it would have made our MARRIAGE very different.

I'll know more tomorrow.

Your kids have a say in what they want if they want something different than what he is demanding.

I'm on my way to mediation as well. Unlike your H, however, I've been a very active father and have been there since they took their first breath. I've been as active in their lives as their mother (some would argue more so, but that's their opinion).

If you DD wants to be with you and not him, then that will be weighed heavily by the court.

Don't be surprised if he becomes a better father. This is very common after a divorce. Many women complain that they wish he had been as good a dad while they were married.

I'm assuming reconciliation is out of the question for you.

If I may, I suggest a different 50/50 plan. My lawyer told me about it and it sounded crazy at first but if you think about it, it's actually very good. Monday/Tuesday with one parent, Wednesday/Thursday with the other and you alternate weekends. This effectively makes it so your child is 5 days with one and 5 with the other. It's also good for you since you can actually plan your week and know which nights of the week are free.

That's a suggestion in case you're forced to accept a 50/50 arangment. Regardless of the physical resolution you get, there is certainly no reason at all he should be denied legal custody and a say in all major decisions regarding her education and health care. That is, of course, unless he's mentally unstable or abusive in some way.

I have no doubt you've been a better parent, but back up and take an objective look at what kind of parent he is. As much as I feel that my exww is a bad parent for dissolving her children's family and minimizing their time with their father, she's an adequate parent when she's alone with them and I know she is protective of them. We just disagree philosophically on whether or not being a bad spouse makes you a bad parent (I feel you can't be good at one and bad at the other).

His home arrangement is certainly problematic. At her age, she should have her own room. That is certainly a valid argument on your part. If he really was sincere about her interests, he'd get a two bedroom place at a minimum.

Good luck to you. I agree with the last part of your post. WSs are selfish creatures. So many BSs wish they could have thier WS wake up and restore their family and committ to the marriage. I would have tried for my children. As I said, I don't think you can be a bad spouse and a good parent. They're one and the same to me.

Hope things go well.

And a lot of WSs lose interest in parenting post-D.

In my opinion, it's a crappy idea to have the kid split their school week in two different residences. It's confusing to find their stuff, and stay organized.