I am new and I posted this on another thread but got 0 responses, so please help me...

Okay, to make this brief. My fiance and I have been together 2 years. During this time we had a son (waited to have sex got weak once and got preg.). Found out a few months ago (June) that while I was in my last trimester he contacted his ex by email and discussed a personal dream he had about her with her. Never told me about the email and lied when I asked him if he contacted her (based on something that he said which he "forgot" to tell me) months after he apparently did. I found out because he left his email up on MY laptop and I in trying to be funny and send him an email from him to him (to freak him out for ALWAYS leaving the email up when I ask him to shut it down--my work's network laptop) hit the touch bar to slide the mouse up and it instead opened the email. He flipped out on me and said I had no right to be in his email (which I did not and admitted that I never distrusted him so I had no reason or even want to snoop on him--never have before in ANY relationship, just not that type of person). When I asked him why he SAVED the email, his response-- because if she ever stirred up drama he wanted proof that nothing happened. I told him that if he TOLD me about the email no drama would ensue because the only person who could be hurt by this was ME and also asked him why contact a person you believe would intentionally stir up drama. No response from him.

I told him that despite "nothing" happening he did LIE to me and did HIDE the email and did talk to her about a PERSONAL dream that I NEVER knew about while I was less than 30 days from giving birth to our son. Oh and BTW he slipped and told me about her after "running into her" at a men's club where he happened to be with his friend (who is married but has a shaky past) and she was with a friend of hers.

Up until now I have always trusted him because we both lead very social lives and he never gave me reason to doubt him before this. I do not beleive this was anything physical (can't be sure though) but now I doubt everything he tells me and find myself looking back to other things that he did that hurt me and really resent him for this. What hurts the most is that for months he wanted me to keep the pregnancy a secret from his family (only told them when it got too hard for him to hide it) and did not let me meet his family till I was 8 months. That makes me think someone else was in the picture and he needed time to slide her out and me in. That is just how unsure I am, I am questioning EVERYTHING.

Even as I write this I feel even WORSE about this. I really don't want my son to grow up being bounced back from person to person but I can't marry him because of the distrust I have for him. Trust is my #1 priority and I feel that I let my son down and myself down in this cause I got weak one night. I NEVER thought I would be a single parent and that hurts because in every long term relationship I made REAL effort to prevent myself from getting pregnant. Anyway, back to why I am typing this...

Please offer me any advice. Since this happened, he has wanted to get married (did not want to when I asked him if we should while I was pregnant--now his family is putting stress on him to do it) and I know him, he always wanted a family but I don't think that I can get over this. He is making true effort (in between telling me how many issues I have (in counseling) and that he won't apologize again for doing nothing, only lying) to make us work but I feel that the only one who will benefit from this is him because he won't have to tell everyone WHY we broke up. Also, btw now I ride the train everyday with his ex (another one) that I know if we broke up tomorrow he would try and run back too. I am so sad, can this work? He is working NOW to make it work by being like he was in the beginning but now I am pulling away because what will happen when we have been married 5 years and he gets "bored" again?

Livin,

""and that he won't apologize again for doing nothing, only lying)""

#1 Because there is no remorse there will be no apology.

#2 It was not ONLY LYING! It was sharing intimacy with another woman, which is what an EA and a PA is all about!!

The little boy should grow up and take responsibility for his actions.

#3 It is a big red flag when they blow up at the BS "prying or snooping in their stuff". Makes you wonder how many other emails, phone calls, etc. there have been. What else is he hiding?

When they get pi$$ed at your snooping, time to get a key logger and a voice activated tape recorder.

kirk

Kirk,

My thoughts exactly. I feel that even the most "innocent" behavior when kept SECRET, still constitutes an inquiry from me and modification of behavior from him.

So I am not crazy to think there is a problem here? Thanks so much! What if anything can I/ should I do/say to "help" him understand why I feel this way? He seems to think that I need to let it go and trust him now since now he knows this hurts my feelings and because he says he won't do it again.

Livin,

There should be no secrets. If I speak to a former co worker that is female I tell my FWW.

There is no reason to keep that a secret because I am doing nothing wrong. If I believed there was something wrong I might not tell her. I am not saying I would lie but I certainly wouldn't tell her.

I expect the same in return. If the behavior could be deemed inapporpriate the more you try to hide it the more inapropriate it looks.