Hello everybody,

I very recently discovered that I am a BH. The MB site has been incredible, and I only wish I had this sort of information 5 years ago.

I discovered my wife's affair this past Friday by analyzing cell phone records and then checking her email account. The adultery is with her supervisor (he had been her co-worker for years) at work. He is 38 years old, good-looking and educated, but also never been married, and never even involved in a serious relationship, and hardly even dates. In other words, I am confident that this man is not mature or experienced enough to ever actually make my wife happy. I think the logical side of my wife understands that, but I am unsure of how much she is still addicted to the relationship.

The email I found that tipped me off to the affair was actually related to the OM *ending* the affair. My WW expressed pain and a feeling of rejection in her email response to him. In other words, she did not end this voluntarily. They had just ended the affair 2 days before I found out.

I read the policy of NO CONTACT on the MB site. Luckily, this is her last week on the job before moving to a new job. I made my wife promise that as long as we are still married, she is NOT to make contact with him. She agrees, but seems reluctant and has been complaining about me suffocating her. I called the OM and told him that he will stay away from my wife until if and when he sees a piece of paper that says we are divorced. He completely agreed, and said he felt that way already and that's why he broke it off.

Both my WW and the OM profess that the adultery has ended. My wife is starting a new job and the opportunity for contact with the OM will be greatly limited. OTOH, my wife says that the "marriage is dead" and initially agreed to counseling but now says it is "pointless". So I don't trust that she isn't still addicted to the OM. I was made a fool of once, and I don't know what I'd do if it happened again.

So here's my question: The adultery appears to be over. This site says I MUST expose the adultery to everyone I can. Should I do that and risk pushing her away further (it would *really* piss her off) when it looks like it is already over?

THANK YOU for your help at this horrible time.

TomFool
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BS (me) : 33yo
WW: 37 yo
married 5 yrs
dday Nov 3 '06
affair started Aug '06
daughter 4.5 yrs
daughter 1.5 yrs

Should I expose this affair to everyone I can? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 11/09/06 03:01 PM
View Results

A note about exposure. It is an essential tool for BREAKING UP affairs. Full scale exposure AFTER the affair is over could be seen as vindictive.

You can also use exposure to help prevent a reoccurance of the affair.

Did you state that WW is going to a new position? Is it with the same employer?

You stated that the chance of contact was greatly reduced. Is there a feasable way to completly eliminate the possibility?

The reason that I say this is that I am a firm believer in NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.

If there is any contact their "addiction" puts them at ever increasing risk for resuming their affair.

Sadly with workplace affairs both workers eventually wind up leaving the workplace. I've seen this play out many times over the years.

Do you have any way to independently confirm no contact?

Has your WW agreed to complete transparancy to you?

Thank you for your response.

My WW is going to work for a new company. However it is only a few blocks away from the old company.

I have no way of indepently confirming NC other than the steps I've already taken (Monitoring software, email accounts, cell phone records...unfortunately she's now aware of email and cell phones though). I work not far away and could potentially spy at lunch time. I could also hire a PI.

I had my WW promise me that it's over, that it was wrong, that yes our marriage is in deep trouble, but that until if and when we are divorced she will not contact him again for the sake of me and our children. She agrees to that, but it is pushing her further away. She was on board for MB counseling, but last night she decided that we are as good as divorced even if not on paper and there is no point to MC. I have a telephone session with MB tonight that I plan to attend alone if I have to.

The odd thing is, she put her ring back on this morning, and gave me a playful shove (I'll take it). I'd like to think that's encouraging, and that she'll show up for MC tonight, but I worry that she's trying to get me to put my defenses down so she can more easily contact the OM.

I feel that I have one other option, and that is threat to the OM. He is half a man as it is. The threat of either physical confrontation, or more likely, exposure to his coworkers and HR department (he was the supervisor) would be enough to make him realize that contact with my wife is not an option for him. He already broke it off, but I feel like I need to impress upon him that my wife, my family, the happiness of my children is in a precarious state, and that there will be repurcussions to him if he facilitates the destruction further.

Thanks for any input. These boards are truly a lifesaver. (I put myself on St. John's Wort as well, and I recommend it to anyone else out there who is really struggling with depression and rage and doesn't want to sign up for 18 months of Prozac).

TomFool

If the OM was your wife's supervisor then you have a major legal complaint against him. I would contact a lawyer and see about filing an action against the company. You are well within your legal rights to do so.

Tom,
I would like to offer you some advice but all I can give is support. I am going through the same type of thing but my wife is not breaking it off. She is denying that anything is going on. We are going to counselling but she tells the counsellor nothing is going on.

Be strong and think of the kids.
Here to support or talk if you need.

Ron

Me 43years
W 44 years
OM 34 years
Kids 2 8yo and 10yo
Married 12 years

TK:

You should know that your roller coaster is about to start. If you know that No Contact has occurred, then you have the best chance to recover your M. Monitor to insure No Contact (NC)

Your WS promises to the contrary mean nothing. Actions are the only thing that counts here. Your WS will have to pass thru several stages prior to actually recommiting to your M. They will include, but not be limited to, withdrawal, anger, remorse and finally acceptance. Every WS needs to travel these steps. Some never complete the journey. Others here can speak much more eloquently about it.

Do you have access to all the email exchanges, or just the most recent?

Do you know of other accounts they might have set up?

Melody Lane is the spy-master around here. Ask for a callout. She can help.

One other thing, not too many threads, ok? Keep it to one, and keep it alive by returning regularly. Let us know what is going on.

How did your MB telephone session go?

It went as well as I could reasonably hope for, considering that my WW had been refusing to even join the call the day before. But there she was, with her wedding ring on, talking to Jennifer for a full 40 minutes on her own. The bad news though is that F?WW made it clear to Jennifer that she has no energy for this and won't be actively participating in future sessions. So the focus will be on me and how I can be a better H, and eventually start pulling her back into this marriage. I'm fine with that, and I am ready for a lot of "this isn't fair" feelings (assuming some hope of change on her part too sometime in the future).

After the call, I was able to engage her in non-relationship conversation for a full hour, which genuinely seemed to light her up. That's a very encouraging step, although I know I have a long, long road ahead of me. I also got off the couch and returned to our bed to sleep (she never kicked me out of bed, I just couldn't sleep next to her for the first few days without massive anger or depression). All in all, I think there is reason for hope in the long run as long as I can stay the course and I can really get her to avoid C with OM.

The one major problem with the call was that Jennifer meant to give me her email address so my W could email her a list of her issues and complaints. Unfortunately, she got off the call before doing that. Needless to say I don't want a small thing like this to jeopardize our recovery, so if anyone has Jennifer Chalmers' email address, I would greatly appreciate it if you could send me a private message.

Thanks everybody!

TomFool

Just a quick follow-up for my request for contact information for Jennifer Chalmers: Nevermind, I found what I need.

TomFool

Making threats is, in most states, a crime. I wouldn't do that.

Exposure, after the affair has ended, really does nothing to help. Threats don't help. If NC is not maintained, then expose.

Tom,

What did Jennifer have to say about the exposure issue?....she's really the one you need to ask. If the affair has ended.....your only obligation to expose further is the OM's spouse (if he has one). Now if recontact of any kind occurs.....then by all means.....expose in the workplace.