Hello everybody,

I discovered this past Friday that my WW had been having an affair with her supervisor (former co-worker for years). I discovered by finding an email in which the OM was *ending* the relationship because he didn't want to be involved in breaking up a family. My WW has agreed to NC, and she is starting a job at another company on Monday, but I can tell she is still very vulnerable. She doesn't believe that our marriage has *any* hope, and I can tell that she wants what she calls "at least a little happiness"

I called the OM (with my WW listening) the night of the discovery and left an angry VM threatening him. I called him the next day from my wife's cell phone (with WW listening) and made contact. I told him that he will stay away from my wife until he sees a piece of paper that says we are not married. He agreed and seemed to be genuine that he will stay away, especially since he was the one who broke it off in the first place, but who knows. My fear is that if my WW does relapse, a man is a man and he will take the opportunity for sex.

So I am considering one more contact with him. I am going to be reasonable, in the sense that I am not going to say "stay away from my wife or I'll kill you". But I am going to let him know that my marriage and the happiness of my children is at stake, and that if my WW makes herself available to him, *even* for conversation, that he is to shun her. Otherwise there will be repurcussions, most notably I will expose him to his coworkers, his HR department (supervisor relationship with direct report), and even his parents if I can find them. I will also tell him that if he in any way lets my wife know that I contacted him, that these same repurcussions will follow, as I have no doubt that if my wife were to discover this contact she will be driven further away from me.

So, I am asking here before I make this contact for one reason only. I know I am biased, and influenced by anger, rage, depression, jealousy, humiliation, etc. So I am asking calmer heads: Should I send this message to the OM? The payoff is he might reject my WW even if she relapses. The risk is the the Romeo and Juliet syndrome. Forbidding their contact may drive them closer together.

Thanks for your input,

TomFool

Should I contact/threaten the Other Man? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 11/09/06 04:24 PM
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No, because you've already contacted him twice. More effective and to the point, exposing to his wife and to his superiors will work to ensure that if he tries to take advantage of a "relapse" on your wife's part, his wife will be a vigilant ally because SHE wants to save HER marriage. And his supervisors will work in their own self interest to prevent his fooling round with another employee, and the possibility of a harrassment lawsuit with them as named defendants.

You NEVER but NEVER THREATEN exposure...Forewarned is forearmed...Further, exposure is used to hasten the end of an affair, it is NOT an act of revenge...It *seems* that the affair is over...The proper steps here would be to have your F?WW write a No Contact letter to OM that you approve before sending...It should state that out of respect for her marriage and family that she requests no contact with OM for LIFE...There are many great examples of NC letters here should you need them...

Next you will want to monitor your wife to make sure that the affair is over...INSPECT what you EXPECT...Yes, this means SPY...She has proven herself to be untrustworthy, and therefore this is very warranted...

If she has truly ended this affair, her actions should be telling...She should give you ALL passwords to email accts, cell phone, etc...She must make herself completely transparent to you...

Mrs. W

"...I am going to let him know that my marriage and the happiness of my children is at stake,"

Sounds like he already knows this. And he probably doesn't care much, anyway.


"... if my WW makes herself available to him, *even* for conversation, that he is to shun her."

I kind of doubt that he will care what you think he "is to do" .... and if your W seeks him out, then your problem is with her, not him.

"I will also tell him that if he in any way lets my wife know that I contacted him .... "
"...if my wife were to discover this contact she will be driven further away from me."


How can you expect your W to be open and honest with you, if you will not do likewise for her? This sounds pretty manipulative.

I think there may be times when contacting an OP might be beneficial. But I think in thsi case, you will come across looking like a desperate bully. It probably won't have much affect on the OM other than giving him something to laugh about and a whole new reason to contact your W, when he wasn't interested in doing so before.

Very interesting replies so far. Thank you for your input.

I understand all that you are saying, and I'm glad I posted here before acting. Some points that were raised:

1) He doesn't care about the happiness of my two small girls: I guess so, but I mostly disagree. He is single and doesn't date much, and took the opportunity for sex and maybe a relationship when it was offered, but didn't really think through the ramifications. I think being reminded that he can help prevent damage to two innocent young girls could get through to him, unless he is completely dead inside.

2) If my wife contacts him, I have a problem with my wife, not with him: I completely agree. However, my point was that my wife is in a fragile state, whereas he should be able to think more clearly, as I don't get the impression that he "loves" my wife. Therefore, ironically, my thinking was to essentially enlist him as an ally in preventing my wife from contacting him. Granted, I would be "enlisting" him through threats as well as persuasion, but "reasonable" threats if there is such a thing.

3) Threat of exposure could bring them together: I expressed this fear in my original post. However, it seems like he would only risk it if either a) he thinks I'm bluffing (I'm not) b) he "loves" her enough to risk anything to be with her (it doesn't sound like it). My thinking is that yes, my problem is with my wife, but if he facilitates even after I've told him to stay away, there will most definitely be ramifications for him, and he should know that.

4) The NC Letter: This *clearly* sounds like the best solution. It makes it very clear to the OM that not only is the affair over, but he might as well never think of her again, because there will never, EVER be any contact again. The problem here is that I know my WW would not write one right now. She says she agrees with NC in theory, but I think asking her to write the letter will be pointless and will only serve to push her further away. Nevertheless, this is the topic I will discuss with the MB counselor tonight, and I will strive for that as a goal.

Thanks everyone for your input, and keep it coming!

TomFool

No. I would not recommend this.

The contact will have NO benefit for you! And will likely backfire on you.

I say this for a couple of reasons:

1.) He really won't care what you say. It is irrelevant to him. You can not "educate" him to stay away for WW.

2.) Anything you say can and will be used against you. If he feels threatened he may file for a restraining order. That will NOT help your legal standing.


Your best move right now is to sit down, relax, and think this through. Be still, Act, don't react.

Never threaten.

My short answer is no..it's not worth your time because the law prevents you from doing anything really effective.

If that were not a barrier I would have to say..yes..I don't think you'd have to break too many fingers before they became VERY compliant.

1) Ask your wife to write a No Contact letter to the OM. You should both read and approve it, and she should give it to you to mail. That way, you know it really did go out.

2) If she refuses to do this, then go ahead and expose the affair. DO NOT THREATEN to do this - that just gives the infidels time to tell everyone that you are crazy and jealous and think they're having an affair and isn't that silly? JUST DO IT.

3) Unless he seeks you out, treat the OM like the insect that he is. Do not give him any of your valuable time or attention.

Mulan

Hmmmmmm......

Interesting.......

So the OM is in an authoratarian position over WW? And he may be / has been using that to enable / coerse a relationship with WW?

I think that the HR department @ their mutual workplace would want to put an end to that IMMEDIATELY!

I am sure that you would understand what a conflict of interest this is and potential liability this could be to their workplace.

Expose them at their workplace to HR and ask HR WHAT they are going to do about this?

One or both may be transferred / terminated. Remember that this is a CONSEQUENCE OF THEIR ACTIONS. You are NOT doing "this" to them. Don't shield either of them from this reality.

If either of them are transferred / terminated if WILL stop the workplace contact between them. You want this to happen. No Contact is imperiative to have any hope of reconsilliation. Do not doubt this.

Now I did a lot of investigation and found some non-affair dirt on the sleazebag OM in my sit. I threatened to expose his non A activities to every single one of his "charitable trusts" destroying him completely if he so much as breathed my air again.

That , with exposure and a small dose of highly credible physical threatening seemed to keep OM dark. Not a peep from him in 2 years now.

I agree that talking to OM is a waste of breath, and just physical threatening, unless you're very wellconnected is not to be advised either.

Just exposing the affair has a great effect normally.

Tomfool, here is a link describing what must happen in order to recover from an affair. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Dr. Harley would also suggest that your W send the OM a no contact letter that is approved by you and mailed by you. Here is a sample:


Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

p.s. I am inclined to tell you to expose the OM at work so he doesn't go after some other guys wife. If there are never any consequences for his actions, he won't hesitate to do it again. Maybe next time he will successful in destroying some kids family just so he could get laid and have a little fun.

I fully agree with Mel!

This is the type of exposure that may prevent future affairs.

Stay Strong!

Expose and possibly sue him for using his positiong at his company to have an affair with a married woman. I'd consult a lawyer first, though.

You cannot afford to physically confront the man. It will hurt your chances for custody should it come that in court. I hope it doesn't. I know how frustrating this is for you because I hope the OM in my EX WW's life knows to think God in heaven for our son because he has saved and continues to save him the a** whipping of the century.

Someone once told me this and I think it is very good advice.

No Contact with OP means NO CONTACT, and applies to both you and your WW.

Thanks for the advice. I think I will take that approach, but only if I can get WW to write a NC letter first. Otherwise I feel I have to at let OP know that C would be very bad for him.