Brief background, my wife and I have been married 11 years, we have three young children together. We are both in our first marriage. We are the biological mother and father of all three kids.

Recently, my wife started having an EA with her someone on the Internet. Long story short, I found out about this by checking her emails. She had been working with him in a business relationship (online) for a few months, (she was his client), and they had developed a friendship. After a time, there was a convention they both went to, along with a group of people from the same social circle on the Internet, where they met in person. Attraction bloomed, but AFAIK, there was no PA. I am almost 100% confident of this, based on emails my wife sent to both him, as well as friends after the trip (before she knew I was reading them).

In the emails after the trip, they both stated a mutual attraction to one another that had grown beyond friendship. At that point, I confronted my wife about this, and told her to end her relationship with him. She asked if she could “only work” with him, and just keep it professional, but drop the friendship. Foolishly I agreed, and contacted the OM to explain the arrangement. The next day, they were back at it again, in a different email account she had forgotten she told me about. At this point, they started discussing making arrangement to meet during an upcoming period of time when I would be out of town. When I confronted her about this the second time, she told me she was “only flirting”, and they were “just friends”. At that point, I fired the OM, and told him not to contact my wife again.

Since then, they have been in contact with each other nearly every day. My wife changed passwords, and did a few other things to cover her tracks, but not enough to keep me from knowing what is going on. Right now, she doesn’t know I know. I told her if I found her contacting him again, it was over between us.

Lately, I’ve been trying to run my own Plan A, and it is having about as much success as most Plan A’s, which is to say hardly at all. She spends hours a night with him online or texting on her phone, then lies to me and tells me she is talking to her girlfriends.

Here’s the wrinkle: We are moving out of state, in two weeks.

Actually, more like… *I* am moving out of state in two weeks, with the kids, to a new house we bought in another area. For a change of lifestyle. We were in a financial position to be able to do it, so we bought the new place, sold the old one, and are able to move up without having jobs right away.

But my wife, has some career stuff she wants to stay behind until January for.

As fate would have it, her online EA OM has some business coming up in our state, in our area, literally the weekend after we leave. She does not know I know this. You all know where this is heading. They have been making secret arrangements to meet while I am away.

So my question is this: Even though I am have only been doing Plan A for a month, I am considering giving her a Plan B letter before she goes back to our old home, after helping us move.

If I Plan B her – right now, BEFORE she meets up with her OM – it will have considerable impact. Particularly, the financial part. Realistically, she cannot afford to live on her own without my help. She does not really make enough money to meet her living expenses – or, if she does, her lifestyle will be VERY sparse those last two months in the old location.

The other thing I am wrestling with, is exposure. The only exposure I have done so far, is to my own parents. But not hers, nor the OM’s wife. (I have contacted the OM – he did not respond to me – but responded to my wife via email that I can “bite him, twice”. My wife laughed with him when he told her that.)

Also, they are part of a very large social circle on the Internet, and the OM derives his living from this particular group – so exposure there, would be very painful as well. I am not concerned about the welfare of the OM, but if I were to expose, my wife would probably lose most of her friends, as they are mostly from that Internet board at this point. She has lost all contact with her friends IRL.

So, I’m not sure what to do.. Plan B, then exposure? Exposure, then Plan B? I know it’s early, but the timing is very sensitive due to the move. If I do it too early, I am afraid she will protest my taking the kids. If I do it too late, I am afraid the A will bloom. One thing I know for sure is this – if my wife insists on not moving with her family, and staying behind for two months so she can sleep with the OM – I can’t stop her, obviously, but I’m sure as heck not gonna pay for it. But if I cut her off financially when she leaves, I kinda need to have a reason for it. I can't think of a better one than a Plan B.

Thoughts?

How long have you been in Plan A?

It is recommended that you be in Plan A for a few MONTHs before seriously thinking about Plan B.

Plan A's benefits build over time and are rarely apparent soon after starting. Remember that part of Plan A is working on YOU.

Below is a post is shamlessly stole from Pep (Thanks Pep!). It is full of very useful info.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.



Normally I recommend exposing the earlier the better. But you moving out of state complicate this.

If you expose now then I would bet dollars to dougnuts that she would seek legal recourse to prevent her sons from moving out of state with you.

If you move and are forced to not take the boys with you then is could be construed as abandonment and could be held against you in any custody hearing.

For that reason only would I recommend holding off until after the move.

IMHO.

Stay Strong!

I'm not one of the very experienced ones on this site so listen to my advice with that in mind. I agree that it is really too early to plan B. You need to stay in plan A. You cannot plan A when you are not living with your wayward wife.

You can see where I am leading with this line of thought: You need to stay with her or she needs to go with you. Sounds like you are at a point where you cannot insist she go with you so you probably need to stay with her.
Lake

I think your best strategic move would be to go ahead and move and THEN go into Plan B. Once you go dark, you should then expose the affair to the OMW, her parents and their friends on the internet. This will be a huge impact on the affair. And since you will be unavailable, you will not be around to take the heat for this action. Instead, all of the conflict will be between them. This way you be protected financially and your sons will be safe with you and protected from her affair.

She would lose her friends as a consequence of the affair, not because you exposed. As a female, I would not EVER consort with a woman who is having an affair and it is my right to make that choice, no one elses. NOT TELLING them is protecting her from the consequences of her actions, which only enables her affair.

If she is exposed, she will be forced to see how sleazy she looks through the eyes of others when asked for an explanation. This is a huge reality check for a fogged out, addicted WS.

Ditto ML

I would expose the affair NOW, to the on-line group, your wife's parents, and the other man's wife. Then it will very likely end before you have to move.

This was exactly my thinking as well. My hands are tied, for at least the next two weeks.

Right, this was exactly my thinking, and you've summed it up very well. She will be physically, emotionally, and financially isolated, and then dealing with the pain of the exposure at the same time. If anything, it should at least ruin her weekend with the OM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Two questions about the exposure: For one, to the social circle. I have the abillity to do this anonymously, or not. If I do the first, she can be spared embarrassment in front of her friends. While I realize she doesn't deserve that, I'm not sure that it adds any advantage, either. What I mean is, the OM is *very* sensitive to exposure I know this from some emails I have read between them.

Since the main point of exposure is to end the affair, given his sensitivity to this, and his public position within this group, I think merely outing him without revealing her identity will be more than enough to get him to break contact with her - especially in combination with exposure to his wife. What are everyone's thoughts on this?

The second question, exposure to her parents. I have considered it, but really, for her, that is going nuclear. She is VERY concerned about what her parents think of her, especially her dad, due to some issues she had growing up. If I expose to them, even if they don't take my side, it will devastate her. I am honestly not sure if she would ever forgive it. It might make sense to do as a last, desperate shot before filing for divorce, but I am, if I am being honest, afraid that if I do that now, it will push her beyond the brink of the ability to forgive. Even though, yes, I am well aware it's HER supposed to be asking ME for forgiveness, but as we all know here, that's not always the way the world works.

I would like to get some thoughts on that as well.

esk, exposure to her parents won't be as devastating as you imagine, it never is. Trust us on this. If their opinion is that critical it may be the ONLY exposure that will impact the affair. And they may be the ONLY family members who love their DD and are in a position to help her get her crap together. That being said, if you think that exposure to the OMW [and this should be the FIRST exposure] and exposure to their friends on the internet will suffice, then I would put off exposure to her parents and do that as a last resort.

But think hard on that one, because her parents could be an enormous aide to you both. Don't let her embarrassment prevent you from a potentially great resource.

The rest of your comments really concern me, though. I fear that you are attempting to come to a gun fight with a pea shooter with these pretend exposures. You won't get anywhere doing that. If you don't EXPOSE your wife, then you are not exposing the affair. Exposure means... you EXPOSE, not conceal; not hide. And not mentioning your wife's name is not exposure, it is helping her keep the secret. And secrets FACILITATE the affair.

Exposure has the effect of bringing a crowd of people into a crack house to watch the crack addicts. It is no fun to smoke crack when you have an audience. It is humiliating and embarrassing to be seen. It is a powerful motivation to stop smoking crack. Similarly, being exposed is a powerful motivator to stop having an affair. It takes all the fun out of the affair when everyone is looking.

Not to mention that doing it anonymously is cowardly and no one takes anonymous exposures seriously. They are nothing more than flagrant gossip and summarily dismissed, as they should be. If it is true, you should be man enough to stand up and say it and face the heat.

Secondly, outing him while protecting your W's identity misses the point entirely. The point of exposure is to make the affair PUBLIC so that it is too EMBARRASSING to carry on in public. That will not happen unless the affair PARTNERS are exposed. It is SUPPOSED to embarrass them. What else would be the point? If you don't give your W's name and only expose just the OM, who would believe you?

First, expose to OM wife. That will most likely kill the affair immediately, or at least leave it with deadly injuries! Your wife will tell you that if you expose then your marriage will be over forever and she will hate you (I said the same thing to my husband when he threatened to expose to OMW, but it worked!), but you have a chance at recovery with a mad wife, but not with a wife that's sleeping with someone else.

Second, if you know for sure your wife's OM is planning to visit the weekend after you leave, and your wife doesn't know you know this, I think you should change your move date (leave a week later) to interrupt the plans that will change this EA to a PA. Don't tell your wife of your change in plans until it's too late for the OM to change his plans. This is, of course, AFTER you expose to the OM wife...which you MUST do. If you allow this weekend visit to take place, this affair WILL be a PA...

So...expose to the OM wife, then don't leave town the weekend she's planning her tryst with the OM. Simple things that might keep this from going any further.

Hey there.

I have to agree with the previous posters on exposing to OM wife, and the forum. This has to be done regardless, so I don't see any benefit in waiting. Your WW has been making it very clear that she like the current arrangement and until something changes, it will only get worse for you. Expose big and expose soon. I think as well, that if your WW is in the position to spend the weekned with OM as they plan, it will become a PA. I would be willing to pull out the big guns if I saw that looming on the horizon.

WW need to see the situation for what it is, because right now she is in la, la land about the whole thing.

I don't have any problem "taking the heat", but the problem is, my wife has really poisoned the well within this social circle against me. If I do something bad, they hear about it immediately. If I do something good, it never gets mentioned. They have a very skewed view of me, and many of them tell her she should leave me.

So, if I walk in with THIS... I'm concerned that it may backfire, there will be a rash of "oh so what, you had a few flirty emails and then were going to dinner without telling him... well of COURSE you didn't tell him girl, he's so angry and controlling! You should leave him."

It might be worthwhile to note, WW has recently made a MAJOR life decision regarding her career, based entirely on their advice. They have huge influence over her, moreso than me at this point. (I swear, the more I write about this, the more I am asking myself why I am trying to save this relationship).

So, I guess my thoughts were that, by exposing only him, but not her, it would cause him sufficient embarassment, (and potential loss of business), so he would simply drop her as more trouble than she is worth. The OM doesn't really care about WW - he is a well known philanderer, and does this with many of his clients. WW knows this very well, but is fogged, so of course, thinks she is "different".

It's not that I care whether my wife is embarrassed or not, or whether her friends hate me or not. I only care about the final result, which, as I understand for exposure, is to bust up the affair so I can start meeting her EN's again.

Understand, I'm not saying I insist on going the anonymous route - I'm just presenting a counterpoint here with the unique factors in this situation, to see if that would make any difference in the advice. I only get one shot at this, after all.

esk, no matter who or how you expose you are going to get folks who will blame you and those who side with the WS. It is inevitable. That is not a good reason to not expose nor does it make exposure less effective. Exposure is still effective even if it causes a few to side with the infidels. It will make the affair very uncomfortable no matter what, and that is the goal. The goal is NOT to get everyone on your side. That won't happen anyway.

I will just reassert that you are wasting your time "exposing" if you expose anonymously and if you don't tell the names of both counterparts. You won't be taken seriously if you don't give facts and names, so there is no point. Exposura means you EXPOSE, not conceal.

You can do what you want, it is your life; I am just telling you what works.

Listen to Mel!

She's spot on with her advise.

Ok then, followup q. When you say "facts" and names, do you think it would be beneficial to include some snips of their chat logs, so people can see what I am talking about? They've had conversations about how they know it is wrong, but they are doing it anyway, blatant sexual innuendo, etc. Might help to bolster the case, or is that overdoing it?

And while I'm at it, are there any links to exposure letters? I tried to DAFS on "exposure letter" but didn't really come up with much.

No, there aren't any exposure letters that I know about. I would suggest sharing just enough to get your point across and establish your credibility. In situations like this, your credibility is very important in order to be believed. So just use what you have to use to make your point and be sure they know who you are and that you stand behind what you say.

I would simply explain that you love your wife and that your purpose is not vindictive, but rather to save your marriage by putting pressure on the affair. You are hoping, as professed "friends" of your wife, that they support her in doing the right thing instead of the wrong thing. That is what a true friend does. This affair threatens to destroy the only family your children know and you would appreciate their support in helping your W end her affair.

Don't bash or belittle, just state the facts and appeal to them for some support. Some of the women will prove to be FAKE FRIENDS and will defend her affair because they don't give a rats [censored] about your wife, but there will be some REAL friends in the bunch who might try and help her do the right thing.

ESK - Like everyone is saying, expose now. You can't do an effective plan A until you expose and there is NC btwn the two affair partners. I agree w/ Mel that your W may have some "fake friends" who counsel her to continue her A, like it some ringside seat on "Desperate Housewives". Expose and do not apologize! You may also hear from your foggy W - "I would never do anything to jeopardize our M, how could you not trust me" - to make you feel guilty. It's BS and don't buy it, she's heading towards a PA for sure; in fact she may feel she's entitled to some special attention.

You're in the right place.

Expose now! Expose to everyone you think you could expose to, especially her parents, friends, and the OM's wife. Also, try to change your plans so that you aren't gone that weekend. Trust me, you don't want an EA to turn into a PA. The next time you would touch your wife all you could think about is the OM and how he touched her. It's not a good feeling to have. Don't let it get physical. I know my wife ended contact with the OM 5 days after exposure. I wish I would have exposed sooner! Quite making excuses and start exposing. You aren't the one who's having the affair so you have nothing to apologize for. Gather up all the proof you have and share it during exposure. Your WW's parents and the OM's wife might need it to believe you. EXPOSE NOW! We're not amateurs here, we all have experience with this subject.

- Jim