I have overly journaled my life for the past 1/2 year on another christian forum. My husband is my best friend, the man I chose to be my husband for the rest of my life. I love him with all the love the lord gives me. But he has chosen to divorce. We were building a house in colorado (we were supposed to load up the pods this friday), but his mom got involved, and told him he should just cut his loses and not move to colorado...and get a divorce. we were having problems (well, he was having emotional problems) - but we were fine, and he agreed to counseling in colorado and moving on with our life and getting out of his parents house. But since he talked to his mom, she changed his mind (she's a non christian). We have been living with them for a couple months to save money for the big move (from cali).

Yesterday, my husband out of the blue - told me he wanted to divorce and not move. The night before, we were filling out insurance papers for the pods and listing our items. Now he's filing for divorce. I'm so upset, but if you knew my whole story, you'd know that I've tried everything to bring jon back to the lord and get counseling, but he refuses. he's made up his mind, and he stopped praying and going to church, so he thinks he knows what is best.

Back in April, he went through this, but we came out stronger and move in love. Now he's saying that was all a lie. He says there is nothing to build our relationship on because he *feels* nothing. Other than this stuff, we get along great, like best friends. we like the same things, and on a regular basis, there is very little fighting or arguing. We tend to agree on the same things, and get along VERY well.

Since we're living with his parents, I feel like me living there is a huge detriment - and I'm going up to oregon to visit my friends and family there.

This is so painful. I haven't eaten barely anything, and my stomach is in knots, and i'm freezing. I'm confident in the lord, that he has other plans for my life than what i wished for. I can't change jon or change his mind, so I'm leaving his parents house to be surrounded by believers - friends and family. I feel more spiritually protected and supported there. Since I moved to california, I have barely made one friend, and she's not a believer. I have no support here, and nowhere to live. My husband is the primary income provider, so I have nothing except what is in my bank account and what is in storage (waiting to be moved to colorado...but not now). The house is in my in law's name right now...so we have no common property.

I forgot to mention that an EA occured during jon's trial in april. he was planning on meeting up for dates with a girl he met on craiglist. It was extremely hard for me, but he never had a physicall affair, and he said he only did it so i would find out and divorce him.

i have hope for my life, and for my heart. I will not let this get me down. through all this, I have become stronger and more of a loving person I ever thought possible.

If any of you have been through a similar situation, i would love to hear from you. I don't know that I want to do anything legally at this point, just give him some space that he is forcing upon our relationship anyway.

Hi KB,

Welcome MB- I'm glad you're here to seek support. I'm sorry that you have to experience such circumstances in your M. I don't have much advice as I am currently in a very similar sitch but I want to let you know that you're not alone.

When I read your story, I felt like I reading about my own M and H. I have been enduring my own pain and frustration with an unrepetant WH. My WH brought me to Christ, he was my best friend, my spiritual role model, served our church and was our Bible study leader.

Our courtship was focused on Christ and we built a strong spiritual foundation, or so I thought. WH told me I was the woman of his dreams and he was proud to call me his wife. WH also told me that M was for life and he didn't believe in divorce.

This all came crashing down when WH sat me down prior to d-day and told me M wasn't for him. He told me he wasn't praying about it because he knew this wasn't what God wanted, however, this was what he wanted. He continued to worship with me at church but then stopped leading our Bible Study group.

When our Christian friends and pastor confronted him about his A, he stopped socializing with them. WH chose to leave me, his Christian friends, and church for the OW.

On d-day, WH admitted that he was hoping I'd divorce him when I found out about his A. I told him that I wanted to forgive him and to move on with our M together. I think WH has a hard time with forgiving himself. He doesn't realize God's grace or mercy.

To add more frustration to my sitch, I found out a few months ago that WH was worshiping with OW at another church. WH is obviously very confused and a completely different man. I've been in Plan B since June. Since then, WH has filed for D.

I know that God's plan is far better than any plan that I would have for myself but there are days where I am just too beat up from the emotional wounds. I have continued to pray for the softening of WH's heart and that he'd seek the Lord for full repentance. I have also learned that it may be God's will for me to sit in the unknown and relinquish all control of my WH over to God. It's been a long journey for me and I pray that you'll stay strong and grow during this time.

The best thing to do, which you are doing, is to surround yourself with good people. I surrounded myself with my church friends, found ways to serve others, volunteered at church events and found Christian women to share my pain. It's easy to get influenced by people during a time like this so choose your friends wisely. I also began attending a Divorce Care group at my church. I've made friends through that as well. It's a national program so there may be a group in your area. You can find it online. It's comforting to share your experience with those that are in your situation. This group teaches you how to heal, deal with the practical matters and to focus on the Lord during all the turbulence. It's given me a lot of sanity.

I'll be praying for you.

ready to wait - thank you for sharing your story! it is simliar in so many ways. you know, sometimes, it's just hearing that someone else has been through the same thing and survived - that keeps you going, hopeful. it's been quite a few months since your divorce. do you talk at all? are you completely cut off? what about before the D. were you living together or did you ever separate?

I totally will be looking for a christian counselor in a good church in oregon (there are so many to choose from there!) - as well as divorce support groups. I'm willing to work on this marriage, esp. because we don't have that many problems otherwise. I'm just giving up the control of trying to bring my husband to the lord, so he will reconcile like he did back in may when he let the lord back into his heart, and changed his life.

I wasn't sure if I was going to come home tonight, or stay elsewhere (hotel), but I decided to put on a happy face, and suck it up, and be the better person. I'm home now in pj's all warm in blankets, just relaxing. I saw my MIL, and I wasn't sure how to approach her, but she acted like nothing ever happened (she's been in HR since they started their business 20 years ago - she's used to dealing with firing people, but being really nice to them in the process...i'm sure this is no different). not sure if FIL knows about anything; he's a believer, she isn't. he might be in denial, or not agree on what is happening to this marriage (because of his wife coercing jon to get a divorce)....he usually stays out of things like this.

Anyway, point being, I'm moving out tomorrow. I'm changing the locks and the passcode to our storage unit, and I'm taking away jon's debit card (his name isn't on my bank account, but he has a card to get cash when he needs it). I don't know what to do from there, but jon is living with his parents and has a steady income. I have nothing.

I'm leaving today, kinda scared, but confident that the lord will use me in oregon and use others to encourage me more than i am here. here, i'm emotionally abused, and my husband is being encouraged by my MIL to divorce me (even tho she likes me? - it's because whatever the boys want, they get, and she'll do anything to get them out of their messes, even if they're wrong. no tough love there). anyway, please pray for me.

Hi KB,

I'm glad you're finding some comfort in my experience with my WH because the similarities are evident.

"It's been quite a few months since your divorce. do you talk at all? are you completely cut off? what about before the D. were you living together or did you ever separate"
WH didn't serve me until end of August. We're still in the early part of the legal process. I have been in Plan B since June so I'm completely dark with him. My atty communicates with WH's atty and that's it.

Before the D, we tried marriage counseling with a Christian counselor when we were separated from April- June. It didn't help one bit because WH was in A. In March, WH recommended we meet with our pastor- we did that twice. Of course, this was before I found out about the A so it wasn't much help. WH didn't reveal anything about the A, only to blame me for my communication probs.

In April, WH started to sleep in our guest bedroom. He said he was being "a bad husband" and felt "guilty about sleeping in the same bed. " This is what triggered me to begin snooping. A day after d-day, we had our first marriage counseling appt and I confronted him about the A. WH was so guilt-ridden. From April- June, I was in Plan A. WH said I was being the "perfect wife." Unfortunately, WH was too caught up in this RA and he was living fully in the fog.

WH moved out at the beginning of May so he wouldn't feel so guilty. We tried to "date" each other under the suggestion of our MC but that doesn't work with a WS.

"I'm just giving up the control of trying to bring my husband to the lord, so he will reconcile like he did back in may when he let the lord back into his heart, and changed his life."
Only God can change your H, not you. The best thing to do to minimize the hurt and pain is to give this up to the Lord.

"I saw my MIL, and I wasn't sure how to approach her, but she acted like nothing ever happened... he usually stays out of things like this."
My MIL and FIL were the same way. They were too concerned about their image and didn't want to help me. When I asked them for their help in saving our M, they said they didn't want to get involved. This was between WH, me, pastor and therapist. WH is the only their son. He is the only male heir in the family. WH is given everything on a silver platter.

"I don't know what to do from there, but jon is living with his parents and has a steady income. I have nothing."
You have something so much greater than the material possessions- you have God. You are seeking a church community, you are being proactive with your life and the direction of your future. Good for you. It takes a strong woman to do that.

God Bless you.

I am staying in a hotel tonight, it was getting late and i was tired, so I stopped halfway to oregon. I am alone here, so this is kinda hard for me to sleep. I slept for a couple hours, but woke up thinking I was at home with my husband. When does this start to get easier with the sleeping thing? Whenever I'm away, it's hard to sleep without him. I left him a letter- i gave it to him in person at work. He gave me a strong hug and a kiss goodbye, but hadn't read the letter yet (about me leaving). It's hard because I know this is better for me. We were living with my inlaws and jon is still cleaving to his mother BIG time, and has always done this since we were dating. She is #1 in his life, with himeslf #2 and me #3 and God #4. I couldn't possibly stay there with his family (who is encouraging him to divorce and cancelled our plans to move to colorado this next week). I couldn't kick jon out of his mom's house (she wouldn't allow it or support me). So my only choice was to move out. If we had our own house, jon would be free to leave, and I would suggest that he leave.

It's just so hard to watch, I have to keep praying for him. Right now it's 2AM and it's hard to sleep. I saw a couple on TV tonight kiss, and i was just overwhelmed with this sense of that feeling when you kiss and feel something behind it; i haven't felt that way for a long time in jon and my relationship.

Another thing is I'm not sure how true this is, but Jon had this look in his eyes recently that he did when he was having an EA with someone online last may. He says nothings happening in that area, but I don't know - maybe i'm just feeling that sense of him pulling away like he did the last time. plus, all the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" or "i don't feel the spark, there's nothing to build our relationship on" "i've done so much to mess this relationship up, i can't possibly repair it" or "getting married was a mistake."

Anyway, I'm just focussing on moving on with my life, and taking care of myself, well letting God take care of me and let Jesus be my husband.

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. I wish I had some advice for you... Stay strong and I'll be praying for you.

Hi KB,

I know, it was hard to sleep for me too. This lasted several months. After WH moved out, I continued to have dreams and nightmares about my WH. I'd sometimes wake up in the middle of the night hoping to find WH next to me. I yearned for his companionship and touch. Have you tried sleep aids? Tylenol PM is a mild sleep aid that may help you without feeling groggy.

When does it start getting easier? It finally got easier for me last month. I'm starting to enjoy having the entire bed to myself. I'm still having a hard time with being lonely so I make sure that I have plans with friends.

I, too, wrote a letter to my WH before we separated. He said he appreciated it. Beyond that, who knows.

Seeing couples on TV or in public make me sick. I don't even like seeing couples hold hands. It makes me long for my H. I don't want to be bitter about it but I have to look away when I see this type of behavior because I want to be able to feel that love again.

Hang in there, KB. Blessings to you.

I have been confidently resting in the peace of God's plan today. Except, when I went online to see my husband's profile on myspace, I saw he took all of our pictures off (all the wedding ones+engagements) except one, a picture of us from when we were dating. It just says "me and kristy" - as if anyone would even be able to tell i was his wife. This is really hurtful. The more I think about it, the more I don't believe he'll be coming back. Which, I guess is why I'm able to move on like I have. I sometimes think maybe I didn't deserve marriage in the first place; or that I wasn't good enough, but I was SOO good to him, such a great wife, and I have no doubt about that (except the occasional drop in esteem).
I want to be fought for! I want to be something one has to work for (in the good way).

I am starting to get my business going here for now, but it's slow right now since I have no clientelle. Jon hasn't called. I doubt he ever will. His mom has such a hold on him, so much control, he can never make a decision without her...and he's living there and refusing to leave (which is part of her plan).....I wish he would care, but he's selfish and living for himself right now; I wish he could seek the lord in this, but he's not. He's not the man I met in May, not even close. I'm such a beautiful creature of the Lord's inside and out. I mean, we're all imperfect, but I honestly tried everything I could to save this marriage....I did everything right, and he is doing everything wrong to mess it up even more. I don't know what else to do but wait, yet move from where I am. I deserve so much more than he is treating me - and I look forward to the day where he (?) gives me an actual chance and fights to keep me.

Please keep me in your prayers!

I'm so confused, KB...

Help me out.

Your husband actually divorced you...it's over...already...the judge decreed you divorced?

Huh?

What?

Or is it your husband said all this fogged out stuff and you CHOSE to believe and divorce...abandon your marriage without doing anything to save it?

Because your jurisdiction for divorce was in transit...between California and Colorado...temporary residence, at best. How can you have been filling out pods and then divorced so fast?

If your husband had said, "I'm addicted to cocaine. I am consumed by need for it, for the good feelings I feel when I snort it" would you have cut and run?

Even if his mom said, "I want my boy to be happy. He loves cocaine. So leave." Would you?

LA

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the presses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A short history:
Married May 05. April 06 hubby gets really weird, tells me getting married was a mistake, he isn't in love with me, ends up having an EA with someone off craigslist; i find out, we go to counseling, he repents and we restore our marriage. he says he doesn't know who that person was that did all those things to me because "I'm a precious jewel that's hard to find" - he loves me "so so so so much." We build a house from oct 05-nov 06. Move in with his parents August 06 to save some money. we're not sure when jon will get a job, but this is just to provide a buffer. He starts acting REALLY weird, finally a month later, he says he made a mistake getting married (again!) and he wants out. he doesn't want to make it work. I tried EVERYthing before restorting to giving him some space. I read every book out there on marriage, saving marriage, I bought him some books, i tried praying with him, but he refused and said he didn't want to pray, he wouldn't go to church/counseling with me. I'm afraid it's another EA or PA....since we're going through the SAME THINGS again. He doesn't want this marriage to work, and he even said he has tried everything to make me hate him, and i keep getting more resolute and loving. he doesn't understand this. i do, because i TRULY LOVE HIM. So since we were living at his parents house, i couldn't make him leave his mommy's house...so I had to leave. being there was the worst thing for us, and jon refuses to move out to colorado now, as well as move out of his parents house into our own place. his mom has complete control of him, and lately, started forcing her way in to our relationship. it's really sick, and I am just being loving and understanding. when jon is ready to talk, i'm here, and he knows that i want this marriage to work - but that's why he's frustrated, because all he wants is out (despite what he said back in may in 5 letters to me about his renewed love for me).

KB, so no divorce filed?

And you're choosing to leave because he wouldn't leave? You're going into Plan B, is that it?

I'm sorry. I'm still confused.

" i find out, we go to counseling, he repents and we restore our marriage. he says he doesn't know who that person was that did all those things to me because "I'm a precious jewel that's hard to find" - he loves me "so so so so much."

You don't restore your marriage in a matter of months...back then, you got busy learning...what did you learn? Did you do communication exercises, identify your LBs and eliminate them...why agree to move with his folks to save money while building a house? Where are your priorities for marriage...after his A, learning to protect the boundary of marriage...you chose to move in, save money, focus on building a house, like having a kid, when your marriage was just torn apart...two to five years worth of recovery...learning how to be partners, be safe and feel safe...lots of ongoing stuff. I can't imagine it without counseling, either. Going by yourself would have been worth it, I would imagine.

And in recovery, we learn not to act from our feelings, but to get the information they are provided, know what they are telling us...from our own beliefs.

Doesn't sound like he could tell you why he chose to have A, what measures he would take to protect his personal and marital boundaries to not choose to have another one...how much he discovered about himself, his past, his methods of distraction, where his pain is...and all this, the same about you and your own.

You tried everything to change how he felt? That makes sense. How about staying present, being his wife, refusing to aid in separation or divorce...respecting he is in charge of his own feelings, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions...they are not yours? Your non-compliance as an act of love, faith and foothold in reality?

He can't make you hate him, file for divorce, move out, stand on your head or sing "Carolina!"...he's human and doesn't have that power...only you choose what you do. Same for him...you can't make him anything but a sandwich.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is all God's design for humans...limits and power. Power of choice. Why was being there the worst possible thing for your marriage? When you are together, there is hope. When you leave, if there is an affair (and establishing if there was is more possible in the house than out of it), then you give it free reign...as you say, you are moving on...I don't understand.

You believe his mother controls him...which disrespects your WH mightily...he chooses, just as all do...we make our choices. Even our mothers cannot control us. Not in God's design. Not even God can control us...utter, specific, inherent respect of choice for us.

Your presence matters. Your presence in your marriage, side by side, matters.

You say you want to be fought for...that you fought for him until you didn't get the response you wanted...you were betrayed. You have the right to leave your marriage. No justification required. Your choice. Truly recoverying involves so much...did you have no contact, transparency, 15 hours of UA, why the choice to stress the marriage with building a house (a lot of affair partners do this, btw)? Did you have methods of accountability?

You keep giving yourself a lot of pain with DJs...choosing to believe as if it's real that your husband will never call, never want you to reconcile...all out of your control and harmful choices to make based on fantasy...you do not know the future. No one does. Another part of God's design...stay present. It's all you have. Sounds like you've gone as far into fantasy as he has...Plan A is about you getting both hands on reality, your choices, you being half of the marriage...and bringing it in every O&H statement, communication and choice...to your marriage.

You've moved away, trying to start a business...and you're married. You are. You are married beginning a life outside your marriage. You're not fighting for your marriage...you're not there if he wants to talk...because your focus remains on him, not you...and you've abandoned the marriage.

Why not go back? Move in next door to MILs...do a real Plan A? He owns his own frustration, sadness, happiness, anger, pain...as you own yours. He can be frustrated...not because you won't what...file for divorce? That makes no sense...he can. He can be anything...and it's his. Not yours. Not you doing it.

Which is why stating your goal and intent..."I want to save our marriage. I want to thrive in marriage. My intent is to respect, honor and love you by choice."

And if you do not want to save your marriage, if that is not your goal...your goals could be to stop hurting, feeling immense rejection, anger, frustration, sadness and resentment...then state that. Know it. And do the right thing and file for divorce yourself. Not create a separate life while married.

In your response to me, you focused on all he did and didn't do...and I wanted to know your stuff...what you learned, what bloomed in your soul, your prayers, your walk with God and knowledge about partnering, not parenting...and knowing and loving and accepting your self, your power and limits...takes you focusing on you. Not on him.

You don't know what is up with him...your job to be the truth bringer and find out...if EA/PA...how, when, where, who...exposing that truth...choosing to live in truth, not conjecture.

You've been brave, true and very courageous...like a heroine. You know you can do that. Did you want to save your marriage last year because of how much you can grow and know and thrive? Or did you want to stay married, get him to do his part, make you feel loved, cherished and to trust him again? Where was your focus? Where is it now?

God doesn't make our choices; he brings us all we need in life in different ways...sometimes the hardest stuff is for the most growth. Up to what perspective you decide to choose.

If you see your WH as the enemy, you'll experience him as having power he doesn't; as having an agenda he doesn't...your choice of perception distorts truth. All humans are under these conditions. Choose wisely.

LA

Well, I don't even know where to begin as far as answering questions, I have 33 pages on christianforums since April. There is so much more than a paragraph summary of what has happened. However, what needs to be said is
1) Jon was telling me he doesn't want me to be around. Me being there was just making him worse, he was doing more and more hurtful things. His mom was butting in and playing "wife" to him, therefore, it's as if he's single minded again. No matter how I tried to "take over" as wife, his mom stepped in there, because she wants us to divorce anyway, and wants jon to know that she'll take care of him.
2) I talked to Jon (again after MANY MANY convos) about everything - I said - "we have 2 options, move to colorado as planned, or move out of your parents house to live as H&W as we were truly meant to live. He said those weren't options, he wants to divorce....and that he isn't going to counseling or doesn't want to restore the marriage, it's over.
3) I stuck around this whole time, and tried the same old things, fighting for the marriage, plan A (BIG TIME!) and just loving him unconditionally, and it just made things worse. He got more "cramped" - and felt like I was forcing him to love me. So he pushed me away more. It's a pattern.

i'm starting to rebuild my life with the lord and let Jon realise that he was wrong to let me go (if that will happen, who knows, and it's certainly not the reason I'm doing it, but that's the best case scenario).

I cannot change Jon's mind or heart, only he and God can, so I left him to think and kept on with my life where you am! I'm praying for jon from here, and HE KNOWS I'M HERE ANYTIME. I can't tell you how many times I've told him that or tried to plead or feel sad when he didn't call. He hasn't called yet on his own. If he were a man, and ready to commit to the relationship, he would have called. But here it is, a week later, he knows I love him, but HE IS CHOSING NOT TO LOVE ME. My husband was "gone" a long time ago. He left our relationship back in April, and forgot what the lord did in his heart, and is doing everything to stay away from the Lord and His plans for his life. I, however, had to do something new to try to make it work. if we were at our own place, he would be free to leave our home. It would not be my choice to leave, but there was no other option. sticking around in that emotional abuse is not right, and honestly, frankly, JON DOES NOT WANT ME RIGHT NOW, and i'm not going to force him to live with me, especially when other things are in question. He knows the second he calls, I will pick up. but right now, he's just living in his sin, doing whatever the flesh wants. He is into porn big time now and is drinking a lot (started when we moved into his parents). He is the Wayward Husband, I am not the wayward wife. I'm fighting for our marriage with prayer, and giving him space that he was begging for. I think the Lord is knocking at the door, and Jon is trying to fill up the air with noises so he can't hear him knocking. I think Jon needs to hit rock bottom before he can know what it means to be cleaned out of "self" and filled with the spirit. He got a taste back in May, which is why I have hope at ALL.

We were building a house a long time ago, soon after we got married. There were no problems. We actually had a decent first year - lots of fun, and despite your normal tiffs here and there, we were really getting along great. which is why it's so confusing that he's like "i'm not in love with you"---the more I fought for the marriage THERE in that house, the more he pushed me away. For Jon, it has to be HIS choice - he can't be forced into ANYthing - so he knows where to find me if he wants me. I'm being very gracious, considering the circumstances. I would LOVE to talk to him, but it's up to him, not me, and he knows that. He knows he still has me, even tho I'm here.