Prepare for a giant wall of text....

My Wife and I have been married for 7 year, and dated about a year before marriage. We have a 2.5 year old daughter (Born May 2004). I discovered my wife has been having an affair, which she assures me has been ended, but only recently. (since it was discovered)

Initially I was of course terribly angry and upset. She was on vacation with her sisters at the time, but I could not hold it in and I called her and confronted her over the phone. Despite my certainty of the affair, she initially denied it. I went down a list of reasons I knew she was lying, some real (mysterious friend I never meet, cell phone records), some 'bluffs' (GPS tracking, Txt message logs, and other 007 things I'm sure are not practical) and eventually she admitted she had been carrying on the affair 18 months. The other man is a former co worker, and it sounds like the affair follows the exact recipe outlined so many times. They were friends and then it just sort of happened.

So, 2 days pass, with me sitting at home in a rage - disbelief - hurt cycle. During that time I try and sort out what my reaction will be when she comes home. Unfortunately anger clouds me to a point that I come up with what I now realize was the worst possible reaction. I make a list of demands, I tell her I am not sure I want to reconcile or divorce, but for the time being here are the 'rules'. Now she is devastated in addition I'm devastated. The rules I set forth were something along these lines.

-Never see the OM again. Send him an email saying its over
and break off all contact.

-Agree that I can monitor your cell and movements until we
can rebuild trust

-Agree to move in with your sister for at least 2 weeks
while we decide what to do (reconcile/divorce)

So, as stupid as that all sounds, the worst part was the delivery. I sat in a chair and commanded that these must happen. She sat on the couch in tears and took it.

Not surprisingly, she decides after the first night at her sisters that she wants to divorce. What was a huge surprise to me, was that same night I had decided that I was making a huge mistake and wanted to reconcile. I spent that night apart reading, researching, and soul searching. In short order I recognized that the affair was wrong, but it was caused by all the things Dr H outlines. I was not meeting any of her needs, and she was not meeting any of mine.

Thinking back on our marriage, I can't remember a time when we ever did meet each others basic needs. We got married in our early 20's, and it was supposed to be easy. We were in love and what else could we possibly need. In short, we never had the knowledge about how a marriage works. We were both extremely ignorant. Now here we are 7 years later, with a child together on the verge of divorce, a divorce I do not want.

I've found forgiveness. I've forgiven her affair, I've forgiven the years that my needs went un-met. I've made a commitment to myself to stop being a person I don't like. I've examined my life and identified the things that are out of line with who I want to be and I am changing them. but the problem is my wife does not believe the marriage can be saved. For 7 years she has been miserable, her needs going unmet. She carries huge guilt about the affair, as well as going through the pain of breaking it off. She has so much anger that I do not know how to progress in patching thing up.

The stratagem as I understand it from 'His Needs Her Needs' seems very simple. Just start meeting her needs. While she is dead set on getting divorced she has been willing to take the emotional needs survey. Her top 5 are Conversation, Family Commitment, Rec Companion, Sex, Affection in that order.

The problem is I don't know how to actually meet those needs.

Conversation - Whatever we start talking about, ends up in a discussion about our marriage. initially this was fine, there was a lot to cover, but know she ends up saying that I am pressuring her. Or, I make an effort to steer away from talking about us, and she still gets upset about being pressured, because while I'm talking about some TV show she likes, 'She knows what I really mean'. So even though it has nothing to do with us, she interprets just about anything I say as being about the relationship, even when it is not.

Family Commitment - I'm a great Dad to our Daughter, this is probably the only need that was being met for the last 2.5 years. I don't know if there is something more I should try and do here. It would be the easiest to improve on because I enjoy time with my little girl, I could take our Daughter to a swim class or something, but I'm not sure that will help the marital situation at all.

Recreational Companion - Over the years we've grown so far apart that we have no common interest to fall back on. We needs to build some, but at this point she is on her way out the door and not willing to do so. I enjoy and try to watch some of the shows she likes, but I don't feel like that’s really making any progress either. the entire time we are together she is withdrawn, its like I can almost feel the anger radiating off her.

Sex - Somehow, I just don't think this is possible. perhaps its sleeping in different rooms, or maybe angry statements like 'I'll never have sex with you again' But I think she is definitely not in a position to let me meet this need.

Affection - I've tried getting her cards, or doing nice little favors. they seem to go unnoticed. she will read the card say thanks and then be just as mad at me. I'll do something nice and get a polite thank you and then back to anger. If I try and give her a hug, or say something nice, then she says I'm pressuring her, or 'Don't touch me'


Basically, it feels like no matter what I do, I'm just making things worse. I just don't know how to make any progress when everything that is suggested seems to only make the situation worse. Help me.....

Hi xAndrew,

Welcome to MB.

Your post isn't too long,don't worry.I've seen far worse to the point you just want to log off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway,sounds like you need to get over to the General Questions (GQII) board for some great advice there( you'll get some here too but you should take this is in steps).You sound like you do not really want to divorce yet.Most don't as they work through the initial stages of anger/pain,etc.

Reread the concepts here especially about Plans A&B and what they mean.No more demanding/commanding/angry outbursts ok? It is a time to be firm but you also don't want to push your wife away any further.In the long run,I think most people realize that even the plans don't always work but it is a good idea to try first.When a spouse is in an affair( A) it's really hard to get through to them no matter what you do.Dr.Harley instructs you not to meet needs during an A but to negotiate the end first.Wayward spouses (WS's) don't want you to try to meet needs a lot of the time anyway since they are getting that fulfillment from the other person(OP).They'll shout "Why now?"

Again reread the concepts and take care of you.You must really be hurting after just finding out and you,as well as your wife,will be on an emotional rollercoaster of gigantic proportions,every day.You also have a precious daughter to consider.There's lot's at stake here.Read up on **exposure,the Plans,and check out the MB bookstore for some great reads.Two books highly recommended are SAA( Surviving the Affair) and HNHN ( His Needs,Her Needs-not sure if you have this already?) by Dr.Harley.Also,I loved the book " NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.Great insight into how A's begin and how to deal with it.

Be prepared that the A is not over.Many times,almost always,when the A is discovered,the WS lies about it being over only to find out that contact continues regularly.They are "addicted" and it's nearly impossible for most to just break it off.

Take a look at GQII.There is a lot more traffic there than on any other board and there are many regulars there who can help.

Good luck!