My history is in a previous post, but my question is this. My W had an A with a contractor at her place of employment. The OM lives in another state and I believe the physical contact is done, BUT he still has correspondence with the company my W works for. I know she has to email the OM for work purposes, which she did not tell me about because she said that she was afraid of hurting me more. I have seen the emails and they are work related only.

Should I continue to worry about this or should I only require my wife to provide me with these emails and not worry about this kind of contact?

NC means NC. If you need to work out something with her employer then do so, but do not let the contact continue. What if she doesn't supply you with all the emails between them, and he lets her know he'll be in town next week?

- Jim

I understand what you are saying, but I am in contact with the OMW and would know if the OM was away from home. I have my W farely transparent at this time.

My only concern is email contact starting back up. Or is NC strictly NC - even under these circumstances?

NC means NC. WW (or you) need to work out with her employer not to have contact with OM. Otherwise WW or OM need to change jobs. NC means NC, period.

- Jim

How can someone curtail contact through email? With the advent of the internet is this not impossible. Even if W changed jobs emailing the OM is simple and I would know nothing of the contact.

I feel I am spinning my wheels with this type of NC? Does noone else have this problem?

If her work knows about the affair (and is helpful), they can monitor whether or not she emails the OM (or at least threaten her with discipline if she does. You can monitor her personal email. I would recommend a spy program on your computer that logs keystrokes, sites visited, and emails sent (AceSpy is the program that I am familiar with, but the people her I'm sure would have more examples). I check my wife's personal email every day, and she knows better than to email the OM from work (where she could get into trouble because they know of the affair).

- Jim

Lost, she should not be having any contact whatsoever with the OM. If she can't avoid it at her workplace, she needs to find a new job or ask her boss to give her new duties. Failure to cut off all contact will only make it impossible for her to withdraw and for your marriage to recover.

She should send the OM a no contact letter telling him to never ever contact her again.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Can your wife ask another co-worker to handle these emails. Someone who she knows well and will take care of business without making too much out of it?

just an idea

M2L

I think you should encourage her to change jobs. Even if she just contacts him regarding business matters; he so remains in her life and the temptation will always be there.

The thing is that even "business" contact is too much for affairees. Any contact, no matter what cute name you apply, enables the affair and prevents withdrawal.

That would be like a "recovering" alcoholic continuing to drink but just calling his drinks "professional drinks." That is really cute and clever but it will never serve to outsmart reality and will never result in sobriety. Contact is contact no matter what clever name is applied. Reality is a very stubborn thing!