I was once the other man talking to someones wife. I won her heart fair and square of so I thought at the time. They had only been married for a year and only knew each other for two. I said to myself she is the one that doesnt want to be with him. She left him for me, my dreams came true,sure it was selfish but i just wanted to make her happy. We married in just 3 months...we could tell each other anything it was the "love of a lifetime"
After 11 years of marriage my wife just walked out two weeks ago. with three kids ivolved I dont want to D but she wont talk about any of the problems...its only been 12 days.

She had an EA I suspect which led to a PA with her boss, the only way I knew was from looking at email she sent to OM, and stupid me I allowed her to stay working there. She didnt want to tell our pastor, would not seek council, just wanted it to be put behind us. I tried to but it hurt too much. Having no council only brought suspicion back.
She had a problem with credit card addiction after 7 years of marriage,shich my parents bailed us out on. She did it again 2 years later. I found out only by snooping around because of peculiar behavior. She always was ashamed about the first time. The second time made her angry for my snooping.
Now that i found MB and read through info i can see why it happened. We grew apart instead of together. Growing apart led her to spending, hidden credit cards and who knows what. It led me to an old addiction with pot, which I have since quit again(this time for good...has been at least 3 years i think) having no desire to go back to that. It led me to drinking which i did before i met her, which I quit also, although it has only been two weeks there is no desire for it. We have three children, two of which we had together. I will stay sober for the sake of my health, children, and coping with her leaving.
She started more credit cards in 6/06 and hid it well, until I noticed a lot of nice clothes she had not worn before, always very beautiful. tight pants and showing cleavage like she never had before, seemed like she was getting ready for a date to go to work.She always reassured me it just made her feel good. My suspicion was aroused when she started hiding cell phone and going out of her way to check it without me seeing.
All of her hiding things and lying about new credit cards left me wondering and drinking more. She started contacting old friends from high school and talking to them a lot. For someone so busy at work she had a lot of time to talk on her phone, arguing increased to a weekly basis until I confronted her about another A. She said they are just her friends. I told her I cant take this any more. Thats when she left,said she needed time to think...
I think I am rambling on and on. I pushed her to talk about things gone wrong for ten days after she left, which just made things worse. She keeps saying thanks for giving me this time to think... May be now I am ready for that.

broken,

Well,as Dr.Phil says,"if they'll do it with you they'll do it to you".Can't say I'm suprised and I really don't have any words of wisdom to give since your marriage started the way it did.I have no sympathy for that.Doesn't feel too good to see your spouse walk off with someone else does it?

I'm sure other's will be along but weekends are slow.

Broken67,

There is this saying that I hate, but as the years go by I have learned to respect it.... "What goes around, comes around". I'm not being mean, I'm just being honest. I know you've endured alot over the years and for that I'm sorry. However, what makes you think that you would bybass the consequences for screwing around with a married woman?

Infatuation is freakin' powerful isn't it. To tell you the truth I'm surprised you lasted so long.

One of my friends is going through the same thing. She is on her second marriage and getting ready for divorce #2. She had an affair the whole "4 months" she was married. Then she turned around, married him and now they can not even talk to each other without argueing. It's disgusting.

I pray that you and your family get through this terrible time!

AB,

You are right i am not surprised now ,starting out the way we did.Had not thought of that in a long time... until after she left.Guess I am slow about those sort of things.cant immagine how two little kids are feeling.My parents are still married after 42 years.Grew up thinking that is how it would be for anyone who really cared.My wife asked to take kids with her when she left so I let them go trying to reduce the pain on them ,4 days later they came back to spend weekend with me.My son(8) didnt really say much more than hi,he doesnt understand what is going on just that he is sad.My daughter(11)hugged me and cried with me for 15 minutes and we talked about why she was crying.We have an 18yr old son who was 7 when we married.He is angry with his mothers behavior, I did tell him it was between her and I.After all she is his mother...

ferra,

thank you for prayers.i agree with
"what comes around goes around" Just always figured after 2 years it would be different because she was only married for one year the first time. Her child was from a previous relationship with a very abusive boyfriend who got her pregnant at 16.She never really has been on her own and I feel she is searching for independence.I have a good church family for support through all this.I can only pray not to be angry with who she really is.May be this is Gods way of waking me up...

Hi broken I feel your pain and your hurt, but you too said that your were the other man to someone's wife. Plain and simple what comes around does go around. Feels different to be on the other side doesn't it?

But, welcome to marriage builders hopefully you will find some good advice here.

Broken- There are two things here. You thought you could "fix" her, and that you were immune to pay backs. "What goes around comes around" If she will do it to her first husband whe WILL do it to her 2nd (3rd , 4th, etc). It is to bad you involed kids in this. In your next mariage make sure both you and your wife are practcing integrity-NOT talking a good game but doing a good game. You also sound like you fancy yourself as a fixer. Won't work. You can only fix yourself-no one else. If your wife is prone to EA's and PA's (which she has amply demonstrated in marrying you!!) you can't fix a pre-exisitng conditon. Hope you get your act together. johoman

Johoman,All Alone Again,

Thanks for the input.I will get it together,takes time after being with W for so long.Need now to concentrate on the children.W willcome today to get daughter to stay with her this week.Young son will stay with me for week and then we will trade off.This just seems so messed up I keep beating myself up for all of it,but two good kids did come out of it...but still feel bad for them...this is just so hard

Broken- You are right-the kids are innocent parties to this. Let's just hope they don't copy their parents behavior. How you conduct yourself for the rest of the time they are home before they leave on thier own may help them. Let's hope so. Beating yourself up over this is just an excuse not to change and demand (and give) repsectful behavior to others. johoman

broken67,

I left my long-term boyfriend for my H (now my ex) about 15 years ago.

WXH and I were married for 11 years before he left me for his 'soulmate'.

I have never stopped feeling guilty about what I did to my exBF - how I betrayed him. Yes, we were young, and not married, but I betrayed him just as surely as if we had been.

My WXH and I have two kids together - they are the innocent parties in this - I don't claim to be innocent myself, because as others have said, what goes around comes around. Less than 3% of marriages that start as affairs become life-long relationships.

It took me a long time to realise that ours was an 'affair' marriage. When I accepted that, it helped me to face the inevitable and move on.

The important thing now is that you learn from this and move on. I have learned from my terrible mistakes - I will never have an affair again - but my WXH is just as entitled and selfish as he ever was.

I doubt that the OW is the partner of his dreams either. It might take time, but their relationship is doomed.

Alph.

Alphin,

I appreciate your input,when i first read through the material on the MB I started thinking WW and I actually had a chance of reconciling.Until I got to the part about how an EA starts and realized that I was the EA before she divorced and we married...hadn't thought of that in 8 years until recently...ouch my poor children...seeing them go through this hurts me more than WW being gone.

{{{Broken67}}}

Funny how the fog works, isn't it? Affairs are always things that other people have.

For 15 years I never once thought that I'd had 'an affair'. I accepted words like 'unfaithful' and 'betrayal' with regards to how I had treated my exBF, but until I came to this site, and had posted for many months, I didn't realise I'd actually had an affair and had been in an 'affair' marriage.

By the way, I am not saying that your situation is hopeless! Just that, once I accepted my own affair, I knew my own situation was. But, as you say - you've read the material here, and you know the score.

I'm sorry for your situation. But you and I have a great advantage over our wayward spouses - yes, we have betrayed others with them, but we have learned from our mistakes and our waywards haven't.

We have a chance at future happiness with someone new - our waywards, unless they change radically, are condemned to repeat their mistakes in relationship after relationship.

Alph.

broken67
just join board, I feel your pain about wife leaving. My has been gone now for 6 months. It does get easier with time. Good news about not drinking or drugs. These will only make your depression harder on you. Can I ask you who has the children? You said that she left, Do you know were she is? Can I also (last question) why did you two decided to marry so quickly? Try to stay focus on what you need to do now. Keep busy as possible. I hope she will try to work things out! But for now just take it one day at a time.

Alphin,

tried to find WW earlier tonight, saw her on the road but lost her. Was looking for the appartment complex she is staying in, no luck...decided to call her and talk to my daughter, she sounded good. WW has been telling children not to say where she is staying, but I demanded to know where my kids are when they are not with me....she told me and we talked about things, or I talked and she yelled.Mostly the sme old stuff-hiding the fact she needs to talk to her "friends" or go see her "friends" and her over zealous credit card habit. All i said was that she wasn't being very fair. It was emotional but I did tell her Ive stopped crying about her.

sag06


I am proud of the no drugs thing,honestly I had wanted to quit for a long time but was too weak. One mornig I prayed about it and aked the Lord to just take away my desire, then it was gone. It was an awesome feeling. Far as alcohol prayed about that too, I feel good about not having desire for it.time will tell.

When WW first left 17 days ago she asked if kids could go with her. I agreed to that thinking this would be less traumatic. Two days later WW brought them over and we all went trick or treating. WW did not want to discuss anything important,this was just for kids. Kids both came over to stay with me Wendnesday through Sunday. Daughter(10) asked if she could stay all week, I cried with her and said as long as you want to. I was kind of hoping for longer.We are trading one kid for the other from week to week(daughters idea),although it seems I've had both for two weekends in a row.

I asked her to marry me because I felt an incredible connection <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> when we talked. I had never met anyone who gave me so much attention and made me feel so important. She seemed so right, but I think I was in the FOG..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> or as someone else put it infatuation is powerful. I plead ignorance with a touch of evil selfishness. 'we all make mistakes.

Only after demanding, WW finannly told tonight her building and app number. Had to say I would not go there all the time bothering her.Fine by me, just told her it was my right to know where my kids are when they're not with me.

I have been thinking about what to do to get myself together. Things I can do with children when they are both here. Take them out to have some fun and forget about their trouble for a while. I still am sad for them, can't immagine what that is like. Had a friend in 7th grade with divorced parents and always felt kind of bad for him, suppose its a thousand times worse than that when you are the kid.

I am going to ask her tomorrow if she would be willing to talk to our pastor, but I sure have my doubts. He is very willing to listen without judgement. May be he can help her see,even if things dont work out between us, what she is doing is wrong. Confession is good for the soul, lifts the weight right off your shoulders.Works for me

Felt good to confront her about children tonight. Told her didn't appreciate her having the kids lie for her about where they had stayed before they went to her friends appartment.Also told her I was done crying overher. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I can't forget to mention our 18 year old. He is staying with me,but don't see him very much unless he needs car worked on or he's hungry. He was 7 when WW and I married a little terror,but he turned out ok.At least hes never been in jail. Has made some of the same mistakes I did when I was 18 but there is still hope. Hard for him because he knows much more than young ones,easy to get caught in the middle. I am working on not saying too much around him,WW is his mother still.

To anyone out there,

I have not been on this site for a while, been thinking a lot about how my WW and I began. Needed this site about 5 years ago. Anyway I'm dealing better with my emotions, but my daughter is not. Anytime I mention the idea that things might not work out my daughter goes to pieces. I'm searching childrens counselor to help deal with this, I just don't know what to say to my daughter.Is this just a fraction of what I'm going to see from my kids later on. I'm thinking about waiting until after Christmas before I start any paperwork. I've contacted a lawer and paid starting fees, but have not gave the ok to send anything out. Last week I found new information of what she is doing and it just hurts me even more. I just want to send her paper work so badly at times,but then my heart says just wait a little longer.

Not sure what your situlation is but you need to attend to your daughter first. Paper work can wait.

Have a son(8) and daughter(10), am seeking counselling for both my kids. Paperwork is easy compared to their emotional stress. All will be dealt with and I expect I will come out stronger than I imagined possible. Children need time and attention, thats what I intend to give them both.

I know how you feel. When my ex walked out of our lives. I have 3 children with her. Two live with me. One (after she lied to me were she would be living) my ex has. I tried to spend as how time will them and asked as many questions to my children as to how they felt concerning how their mother was behaving. I made sure that my children knew that I would never, I repeat never leave them as their mother did. That I love them with all my heart. I did offer counseling as well. But after a while I could see that they were handling this issue better then I. Even asking me not to talk about her so much. Which I did! My two (this happened over 6 months ago) boys are now doing fine and I as getting better as well. I guess my point is to show them that nothing will change with your relationship with them. You can’t speak for your wife (soon to be ex?) but you can speak for yourself. If your children can see how much you love them, care for them and support them. This can only help them in the end! And yes, counseling is a good ideal for them and you. Remember they will be your strength and support.

Using your kids to gain ground on the X is bad. You can tell them you love them and will never leave, but don't add "Like Mommy" to it. It's not your job to make them feel anger toward her. Just my 2 cents.