I just got married four months ago. It will be five months on the 17th of this month. Ever since we were married our sexual life has dimished. My husband and I had sex maybe three times before we were married. I expected to engage in more love making when we got married. My husband complains of being tired all the time. I try to take that into consideration, but when I am concerned because we only have sex 3 to five times a month, and that is nothing compared to most newly weds. He says that he doesn't want our relationship to be about sex. He says he wants me to be the aggressor while he is passive. When I am aggressive he says that I am putting too much pressure on him. I have pleaded and cried with him. I am tired of being rejected sexually. I am a beautiful, young, vibrant, woman. I am starting to wonder if he is cheating on me. Or if he likes women. Or if he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. Has anyone had this problem? What can I do to help this situation?

ks...
Yes. I understand how you feel. In similar situation, too. I have posts under "emotional needs"..."help- i need more sexual fullfillment"...I've gotten some good responses there- maybe you can check it out.

Hi. Is your husband depressed?

BackAgain has a good question. My wife would have said very much the same thing in our first year of marriage and the cause of it was my depression. I have to wonder if he's insecure as well. When I was first married, I was very insecure about not being good in bed. That, with the depression, on top of knowing that I already was doing a poor job of meeting her needs just reinforced the insecurity and depression... it was a downward spiral. It is essential that you tell him how you feel, but my guess is that you won't see much progress unless you heap on the praise and encouragement, really build up his confidence, and only give criticism if it's absolutely necessary and do it in the gentlest way possible. If my wife had done that instead of flying into a crying rage (I don't blame her AT ALL), it would have given me the courage and confidence to work my way out of that rut a lot sooner.

Obviously, one paragraph cannot even begin to give a complete picture of a relationship, but just strictly based on what you've written, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is faithful to you and loves you very much and does want to be with you.

I have asked every possible question that I know to ask, including depression.

I'm in the same boat...My wife of 5 months says she is too tired or doesn't want to make love at night(and then stays up and watches TV until mid-night) so I try to intiate on a Saturday morning when neither of us have any schedule and I still get rejected. I was married once before for 8 years and it was never an issue. I don't know if I can take it any longer. My wife considers mast....ion cheating and I have respected her wishes. In response to her being too tired for the last 4 months I have been cleaning the house, carring for the dog, making most of the meals, giving her flowers, giving non-sexual affection, paying the bills, mowing the grass, shoveling snow, wahing the cloths, and Working everyday from 7 til 6. She is the one that is tired? She spends her days working sales from 10am to 3pm and pitching in some with a few chores.

I know what you are going through...I just want to be desired once in awhile. She says that I am the man of her dreams for all that I do for her but, she has dreams about the guys from "Miami Ink". I took her to Tahiti for our honeymoon and it started there. I feel like I made a major mistake...

j11j5

Sex once-per-week (you said 3 to 5 times each month?) is considered by some to be perfectly normal frequency.

Your problem is simply that you are mismatched.

The countries with the lowest frequency of sex average are Japan (37 times per year), Malaysia (62) and China (69).

According the the 2001 Durex study the global average is 98 times per year.

Do you want sex everyday? Then that would put you at 4%
(Four percent of the respondents to the survey claim to have sex daily.)

Your husband is 57% (claim to have sex about once per week).

I would like to have it at least 2-3 times a week. I don't have to have sex every day.

You sound like a very wonderful, thoughtful husband who is trying to help his wife find the time and energy for sexual intimacy. What you are doing is great! Have you talked with her about her sexual past. Maybe she was sexually molested as a child or suffered some type of physical abuse. Is she on antidepressants, or depressed? If she was molested she should seek counseling to work through her sexual issues. I was sexually molested as a toddler and has gone through therapy with my pastor and inner healing. I now enjoy sex and have had healthy sexual experiences. Infrequent sex with my husband is the first I have ever experienced, so it is different for me. I have learned to cope and adapt to his needs and habits, I just wish he would have at least compromised and tried it my way for a while.

How do you feel? Deprived? Do you feel that it has to do with receiving affection or is it just about the sexual release?

He shows me affection throughout the day, kisses and hugs, cuddling. That's not a problem. I seem to have a higher sex drive than he does. It would seem that the sexual release and closeness is the problem. I knew something was wrong when I turned to him and tried to be intimate with him he pushed me away and has been doing ever since. Now it is not even fulfilling sex. I approached him and said that I wasn't mutually satisfied and he told me "that's because you are selfish". I got made wrote about him in my diary, he found the diary and is now hurt and upset that I would write such things about him. So now I probably won't be having sex for a while.

Do you think he withdraws sex to punish or control?

I don't know. That is a good question. How can you tell if that is the case?

Hi kstanshum

What about his background? Have you been through the WHOLE Radical Honesty thing? I cannot stress enough how imperative that is; particularly for second timers (like me), but everyone would benefit from it.

Is it possible that there is something in his background that is causing him to react like that? Could be past social prescence, parental views on sex, porn. There could be alot of things.

However, it could just be that you have vastly different sex drives thought it's less usual for the man to have the lessor. I wouldn't like to use the term mismatched though. I believe that, with understanding and compromise, that any 2 people can get along. And that's the essence of being in marriage.

Here is an update on this situation. I have been watching my husband for a month and there have been a lot of improvements. Internet use has gone way down. He doesn't search for pornographic pictures of videos as often. He came to me two fews ago and told me how much he was improving. Within the last week or two our sex life has gotten a lot better. The quality has gotten a lot better and there is more passion.

Hi all. Greetings and Happy New year to everyone here. I am a virgin here in this forum so hope everyone be gentle on me.

Much like everyone else's here my wife is tired too most of the time. I wash, I cook, I clean, I repair, I read, I pay I fuc k and she's still tired. I chat online thinkin may be that'll give her some rest but she's still tired. Guess I do some doggy this time... ben a while since we haven't done dggy, may be that'll invigorate her some? Cant wait for the doggy.