After three years of marriage, I would expect my life to be enjoyable. Instead, I am getting verbally abuse and having my character insulted as I man constantly. She is constantly nit-picking at me for small things. I'm to the point where I refuse to watch certain movies and TV shows with her because I am uncorfortable around her. She is extremely negative. I'm not perfect as well because I have said things to her that I deeply regret. I can say that I have made the biggest mistake in my life by marrying her. Part of me is wanting to get a divorce from her and never getting married ever again because it is not worth it. I feel like I'm a slave. How much does it cost to get a divorce on average? Please reply to me with the honest truth instead of what I want to here. Thanks.

As you've invested three years into your M, I suggest that instead of giving up on it, you invest a few months more into it to try to sort out the issues you and your W are facing. My suggestion: get a hold of a copy of "LoveBusters" by Williard Harley and read it together (set aside an hour or two a night for the both of you - no TV) to do this. Discuss what you read, but try to discuss it in a non-confrontational manner - you'll be doing this to learn how to better interact with each other, not to prove who is behaving right or wrong in your M.

In my personal experience, my FWW got naggy when I started doing more independent behaviour. We didn't do anything about this, and things eventually got a lot worse (her 2-year A). Here's your opportunity to rescue your M before it gets that bad. Take it.

i am in the same situation you are in however i am just like your wife. so maybe we can help each other. i have essentially emasculated my husband by name calling and demeaning him and he basically shut down on me emotionally physically, etc. i would be so emabarrased if anyone knew half of the things that have come out of my mouth. i thought a lot of our problems came from him staying gone so much (that independent behavior issue) but in actuality he was staying away from me b/c he did not want to be around me. at the time i did not understand why because he would never communicate with me. he has since moved out of the house, we have a five month old by the way. i am hoping that we can eventually get things back to the way they were. we dated for twelve years and have been married four. by him leaving definitely gave me a wake up call and don't think i am advocating that but you might tell your wife you need to leave for a while and see what her reaction is. you will know for sure by how she reacts to you if she wants to be with you. if she acts like she could care less, move on with your life and don't waste another day. but definitley follow through with it even if she acts devastated, and even though you may not want to, otherwise she will probably continue her ways until she sees you are serious. hope this helps even though probably not the best way to go about it but it has worked for me, that is why i'm on this website trying to figure out how to get my husband back. i am interested to hear from you since you sound just like my husband. if your wife had the opportunity to turn things around for you guys, what would you want her to say or do? looking forward to hearing from you.

What movies, what tv shows do you refuse to watch around her? What exactly is she nagging you about? It's my experience that when people are in pain they usually cause others pain. Not trying to place blame on either one or the other, just trying to get at the root of the issues.

RP,
Are you sure you are not married to my wife. HA HA
All jokes aside i am going thru the exact same thing, but the only difference is my wife cheated on me. So I don't know if I can be of any assistance but I would like some of the same answers you are asking for. I also have two kids that I have to think about. I am serously considering leaving my wife. I dont know if I can get past all of the luggage.

rp49 Sounds like my ex as well. She might have personality disorders. You might want to check out of information on this. Study of interest might be COMMON SOCIOPATH, Narcissistic Personality Disorder or HPD. After ex left the children and I. I started to study these disorders and it fit her to a tee. Helped me understand what was happening in my life and why she did what she is doing. Anyway, might help!

Don't separate unless you really are contemplating a divorce. I know from personal experience that it is very very hatd to work on a marriage when you are living apart...
I wish you well and hope you'll consider trying to fix your marriage.
Cis

You are at the exact same point I'm at with my wife. I can't do anything right, says I'm lazy, do nothing and an a-hole. I work every day, come home to BS and insults. I can't even ask a simple question w/o her sounding demeaning.

I'm constantly picked on, and scrutinized in front of my kids and family. It's so bad we are considering a 6 month separation just so the kids don't see Daddy being treated like crap.

My wife acknowledges this, and says she knows of no other way to treat me, therefore I should move out.

I've fueled the fire by becoming distant and unhappy. I hardly react to the insults since they are par for my course now.

We are looking into counseling now, and I hope you can work things out as well.

DF, I feel your pain. I probably misposted my laments to the wrong forum; mine are under "Negotiating in Marriage - Few Things Count."

I have been married for less than two years, and my wife's behaviors did not manifest themselves until we moved in together prior to marriage. Once she and her children moved in, things began to go awry almost at the onset. She didn't like the way I did laundry, loaded the dishwasher, noticed her clothing, the list goes on. Nevermind the fact that she worked miles away, worked late hours, spent hours in front of the computer, and had frequent business trips, all the while, me, being new to fatherhood, helping raise a 6- and 8-yr old.

Our problems exploded after her return from a trip and discovered that I had viewed some porn sites one night. After that, the verbal abuse escalated and became physical abuse, to the point I told her family and my family that if she didn't stop, I was gone. That cut back on the physical abuse, but the mental abuse continues to today.

I have found that I react to her, and that escalates the situation. My wife feels justified in treating me this way as she perceives independent behavior as abuse against her, so she retaliates. Now, as I choose not to react, she is taking that as neglect, and abuse.

We have both read, "HN/HN," and "Love Busters," bought the CD course, etc., but her contention is that, until I change, nothing will ever be change in our marriage. Now, she feels like she is justified in having a EA because I won't change...

Does your wife keep score? Like, "my love bank is empty. It is your job to fill it." So then you do make a deposit, only to forget to take out the trash, and now the Love Bank is empty?

My wife has some deep-deep-deep-seated issues, I am finding. I sort of knew beforehand, as her family told me so. But her family has learned to treat her with kid gloves, sweep problems under the rug, and walk on eggshells. I am no good at any of the above.

Maybe between all of us we can work this out.

From a woman's standpoint here......

It seems most men feel this way at least some of the time...I guess learning differences between women and men is very important.

My husband has also felt like he could never do anything right....or at least he felt he could do 10 things right, but I would only notice the one wrong thing. Well, I take blame for some of that as I really realize men work on positive reinforcement so much. And, admiration.. any "complaining" and they just shut down.

However, our "complaining' isn't always a direct attack on you men...it is a way for us to vent our feelings....but if it becomes an attack on character,,,well, that is damaging.

For me, and I think for most women, we are programmed to take care of our relationships and family. We find it our life's work to do this,so when one thing gets out of whack, we try to fix it so we can just go on and enjoy the rest. Men on the otherhand, seem to just ignore that there might be a problem, or at least that something could IMPROVE, so they just go on as normal.and then they can enjoy the good more.

Women are more sensitive....we take things more personally....which is not always right, but it happens. If you forget to constantly take out the trash over and over, we can see it as disrespect to us, that you don;t prioritize your family roles. We think that if we were important to you, you would do these things.

If we never seem to drop the bone and hang on to past transgressions, we are just still trying to work out something that we will feel better about.....a compromise or promise, and for whatever that behavior was...to stop.

But, in the end, I think it is up to both spouses to TRY to focus on the good, make the problems a solution finding situation that is agreeable to both, and move on. But, just by the nature of women, I think we we will always keep trying to improve ourselves, our mates, and our relationships.

From a woman's standpoint here......

It seems most men feel this way at least some of the time...I guess learning differences between women and men is very important.

My husband has also felt like he could never do anything right....or at least he felt he could do 10 things right, but I would only notice the one wrong thing. Well, I take blame for some of that as I really realize men work on positive reinforcement so much. And, admiration.. any "complaining" and they just shut down.

However, our "complaining' isn't always a direct attack on you men...it is a way for us to vent our feelings....but if it becomes an attack on character,,,well, that is damaging.

For me, and I think for most women, we are programmed to take care of our relationships and family. We find it our life's work to do this,so when one thing gets out of whack, we try to fix it so we can just go on and enjoy the rest. Men on the otherhand, seem to just ignore that there might be a problem, or at least that something could IMPROVE, so they just go on as normal.and then they can enjoy the good more.

Women are more sensitive....we take things more personally....which is not always right, but it happens. If you forget to constantly take out the trash over and over, we can see it as disrespect to us, that you don;t prioritize your family roles. We think that if we were important to you, you would do these things.

If we never seem to drop the bone and hang on to past transgressions, we are just still trying to work out something that we will feel better about.....a compromise or promise, and for whatever that behavior was...to stop.

But, in the end, I think it is up to both spouses to TRY to focus on the good, make the problems a solution finding situation that is agreeable to both, and move on. But, just by the nature of women, I think we we will always keep trying to improve ourselves, our mates, and our relationships.

I hear you. There are tons of women out there that men should never marry.

My suggestion to is to take stock of men's resources that are available on the web. There are lots of them and they are growing by the day.

Here's one:

www.genderwar.org

I am the original poster of this message.

Unfortunately, things have not gotten better. I am doing my best to hang in there and stay strong, but I am getting sick and tired of her BS. For example, last Saturday morning, she called me a "stupida**" because I left our barking dog outside instead of bringing him in the house. Common sense is that when someone degrades you, don't grin and take it. Did I have a right to be angry? She got mad at me later that night because I didn't want her company. She slammed the bedroom door, and I approached her about it. You would know when you her a door slam. With her arrogant pride, she denied slamming the door.

Today, she also decided to insult my family (all generations) and said she hates them. I made it known to her that one of these days she is going to say something to the wrong person, and I will not be there to have her back when she is taught a lesson. She really needs to learn that you cannot disrespect people and think it's OK. She is going to get what is coming to her, and I refuse to rescue her because of all the junk I have taken from her. I have been called things such as "sorry," "lazy," and "a little boy." She also made a comment that the sex is terrible. To be honest, I am glad we don't have children together because I would not want them to be exposed to this mess. I am 30 years old, and she is 36. Candidly, I am more mature than she is because I don't sweat small things.

She even tried to put me out of my own car one night on our way to dinner. Why? Because I took side streets as a shortcut to a restaurant instead of taking the freeway. She termed this as "bullying" by saying that men have women in cars and drive them to locations their way (referring to men). I don't feel I should have to kiss her "you know what" to get love from her. She has even said things to me like, "I will quit my job and f*** up your finances." Obviously, if you care about someone no matter what you have gone through, you would never make any such statements.

One of the biggest mistakes that I have made with her is pouring out my heart to her about things I have been through in the past with my family before we got married. I never thought she would cross the line by throwing these past issues back in my face. If I am going through something, venting to her is no longer an option because I am told to quit having a pity party.

Honestly, if this marriage ends in divorce, I refuse to get married again. Hopefully, I'm wrong, but it is not worth the drama. If she puts me out the house, I only want to ensure that my personal possessions and information (SS#) will not be damaged. I will never return to her because I have been through too much with her and her negative attitude. I just want to excel in my career and further my education. She is not worth me throwing those aspects in the trash.

Please help me because turning to her for support is not a valid option for me anymore, and I don't think it will ever be.

rp49

Just wanted to check in and see how things are doing. I think you might want to start recording issues between you and your wife. Keeping a journal can help you think thru "things" that might happen and need to reveiw later. Well hope things get better rp49

Sag

"I am the original poster of this message."

Welcome back, Rp.

"Unfortunately, things have not gotten better. I am doing my best to hang in there and stay strong, but I am getting sick and tired of her BS."

When you made this thread with this statement, did you ask, are the things you do for your W from love? Are they good enough for you?

"For example, last Saturday morning, she called me a "stupida**" because I left our barking dog outside instead of bringing him in the house. Common sense is that when someone degrades you, don't grin and take it. Did I have a right to be angry?"

You have the right to remove yourself from verbal abuse...and name calling is definitely a DJ...which is anyone defining who you are. Only you get to do that. Anger isn't a right, it's a signal to you, usually comes after fear or pain...and that signal says that someone has crossed your boundary. She did.

What did you do to enforce your boundary?

"She got mad at me later that night because I didn't want her company. She slammed the bedroom door, and I approached her about it. You would know when you her a door slam. With her arrogant pride, she denied slamming the door."

Sounds like you are struggling with her truth, your truth and The Truth. Would you consider that all humans have their own truth? Their thoughts, perceptions, feelings, beliefs and perspectives are their own...they are valid? Including yours.

The Truth is only in actions...and I've used the slamming door analogy quite a bit to example the differences between truths...

Her truth: She did not slam the bedroom door after you rejected her. She closed it solidly, with umph.

Your truth: You heard the door slam. You chose not to be in her company and informed her of your choice.

The truth: The door was closed.

Withdrawal is also verbal abuse, Rp. Did you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Pat Evans? Really opened my eyes so I could identify what is abuse and what isn't...and it was a wow experience to identify my own abusive behaviors.

"Today, she also decided to insult my family (all generations) and said she hates them."

She shared her opinion...she didn't state The Truth, which is fact. You retain full power of your choice to make her truth your truth (which hurts)...and if what you're saying here is that she was defining individuals, then that's abusive, just like above. Her sharing her feelings for them is NOT abusive.

"I made it known to her that one of these days she is going to say something to the wrong person, and I will not be there to have her back when she is taught a lesson."

Threats are abusive, also. A great choice for yourself is to choose to listen and repeat...which would be, "I hear you believe all the generations of my family are <blank>, and you feel hatred for them, is that correct?"

Clarifies or confirms you heard correct...offers her the opportunity to hear again what she stated, as you heard it. No you acting to change her beliefs or feelings. You're listening to know, not to change. To clarify you heard correctly. In this way, because you aren't acting abusively in your reactivity, you'll be able to hold to your boundary not to abuse...which means you can enforce through awareness and clarity.

Boundaries are around you...and what you will do to others, you cannot enforce them doing to you. Humans have this two-way street...whatever you will not do to others, you won't allow done to you...and you won't do to yourself. Whatever you do in your own head, to yourself, you will do aloud to others, as well.

"She really needs to learn that you cannot disrespect people and think it's OK."

She's isn't a child, Rp. She's an adult. She knows who she can abuse and it's okay and who she can't. Put yourself firmly into the cannot column by choosing to change what you live from...revoke your permission to live from your feelings, permitted to change others beliefs, behaviors, thoughts and perceptions, and choose to live from respect where you listen and know her truth, state your own (using "I" statements), enforce your boundaries and live up to them, as well.

Then you'll know she knows she chooses to disrespect. You can't make her. She can't make you.

"She is going to get what is coming to her, and I refuse to rescue her because of all the junk I have taken from her."

All the abuse you have accepted and returned...if you don't own your half...which you are half of every relationship you have...then you will continue this cycle of victim and continue to feel powerless, not be aware of your own choices to disrespect, and not enforce boundaries with others who disrespect you.

It's a downward spiral. This isn't a case where you married an abuser and were surprised...this is where you choose your partner based on your own stuff...and in that way, we all grow, can see, and change.

"I have been called things such as "sorry," "lazy," and "a little boy."

Do you call her names? Do you call her, "You are efficient, cutting, domineering, childish, bossy, beautiful, ugly, confident, afraid? Any of these are defining who she is and are disrespectful.

"I believe you're lazy, sorry and I perceive your reactions are that of a little boy." None of that is abusive. It's sharing. With ownership.

I'm highlighting to show the difference.

I'm perceiving you are hurting from WHAT she says, the content, the intent, rather than if she owns it or not.

Which would mean that you believe she should like and feel loving when you define her in positive ways. Doesn't work that way.

"She also made a comment that the sex is terrible. To be honest, I am glad we don't have children together because I would not want them to be exposed to this mess. I am 30 years old, and she is 36. Candidly, I am more mature than she is because I don't sweat small things."

Not sweating small things, if they cross your boundaries, is enabling and conflict avoidance. When you share all of it...even the small stuff...with ownership, then most of perceived conflict in marriage isn't to be solved, it's to be understood. Solving problems together, not solving people.

"She even tried to put me out of my own car one night on our way to dinner. Why? Because I took side streets as a shortcut to a restaurant instead of taking the freeway. She termed this as "bullying" by saying that men have women in cars and drive them to locations their way (referring to men)."

I'm not saying she doesn't have her half...severely controlling, insecure, cruel, vindicative, lives mostly in fantasy and is struggling. Like you, she may feel powerless, done-to, a victim. Unlike you, she's not here.

You are.

If she physically tried to put you out of the car, then your respectful choice would be to call the police and make a report. That's honorable. Being true to yourself and your marriage. Anything less and you're enabling her abusive behavior...so you don't get to be a victim.

"I don't feel I should have to kiss her "you know what" to get love from her."

We don't really "get love" from others. We aren't that powerful. As a human being, you are responsible for all of your stuff...your thoughts, actions, choices, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives...your power is in consciously choosing, from awareness and respect, to love and how you act your love. The rest is out of your control. You cannot make her mad, happy, feel loved, frustrated, joyful. You're not that powerful. Neither is she.

What's valid is that you feel angry, attacked, frustrated, etc. Those are real signals to you, about you, from your own beliefs. Trace them. Get to know what you're believing...such as you are the cause, control and cure for others...and you cannot be as a human.

You are only that for yourself. Humans choose to love and act on their belief they love...when they do, they feel loving feelings for the other person...and loved. They fill up with loving feelings which overflow all over the place. How humans thrive. Can't get there choosing to react from fear and entitlement. You get there by choosing to believe you truly are, as you were made, whole, complete, marvelously made. Not defective in anyway. Not lacking. Without a word spoken or action taken, you truly are.

Do you believe this? And do you believe all humans are equal to you? That's in our design. We are not what we do...we only live in this one moment...the constant present...we can choose at any nanosecond in time to do differently...we are who we really are.

Define yourself.

"She has even said things to me like, "I will quit my job and f*** up your finances." Obviously, if you care about someone no matter what you have gone through, you would never make any such statements."

You threaten her and she threatens you. This isn't unusual. In a very high-conflict way, this is the way you share with each other...and yes, it's unhealthy, disrespectful and filled with a ton of pain inside both of you. Doesn't mean it isn't her connecting...showing fear instead of stating; nor you early threatening to get out of the way of her consequences, like that's a choice she was pushing you to make.

You guys are capable of having a marvelously fulfilling marriage...and it can begin with you, Rp. I swear.

I was the abuser...just three years ago. And I was that way for 42 years. My DH was abusive as well. We aren't now...and we are gushily in love, choosing to meet each other's ENs, having elminated our LBs, all from me stopping, choosing to live differently...learning how to do just that...began with DJs (which were soaked into my pores)...and then AO's, SD's (which are the threats)...

SD is when you demand someone else change.

Boundaries demand YOU change.

"One of the biggest mistakes that I have made with her is pouring out my heart to her about things I have been through in the past with my family before we got married."

I understand you feel that this was a mistake. In truth, this is an act of intimacy...when you know your stuff and share it, you are being intimate. Which is where we are going in life...all roads lead to this, our mandate to know and be known.

Big kudos on your bravery, your choice to be intimate.

"I never thought she would cross the line by throwing these past issues back in my face. If I am going through something, venting to her is no longer an option because I am told to quit having a pity party."

My DH said I did this a lot, also. I choose to believe him. Now he says that his mother did this, too, and his prior girlfriends, and he expected me to do it...so he perceived me doing it, throwing it in his face...choosing to perceive I was punishing him, even when (like now) he hears me discussing something and together, we see more, share more. Not me throwing it in his face. Growing side by side.

I don't vent to my DH...I own my stuff...state my stuff, "I feel frustrated, powerless and down right scared right now" which may be my truth...and he listens, repeats and in this very act of intimacy, my frustraion signal drops lower, my powerless feeling disappears, and my fear shrinks. When I trace my frustration to my expectation...and I usually do this aloud to my DH, then it disappears. And we usually wonder or chuckle together. When I hold my fear and not act from it, especially after knowing the unreasonable expectation behind it, then fear leaves, too.

Joy rushes in...self-esteem and respect are as marvelous as an embrace. My DH doesn't make me feel better...his presence and being heard contribute to my signals completing their information deliver, and going away.

I do the same for him (I used to tell him what to think, feel, believe, how to perceive and what perspective was better to have...how to do his job, be a father, a son, a brother, a husband...are you getting how abusive I really was?). He's not broken...doesn't need to be fixed. Neither am I. And I was broken then...I was unaware, reactive and all of this from my own choice.

I was choosing how I lived. Thank God I woke up and realized I wasn't being done to--I was experiencing life as if I didn't choose it...and I did...all along.

"Honestly, if this marriage ends in divorce, I refuse to get married again."

This would be a healthy decision, as what you don't learn about relationships now, you won't be different in the next one.

And when you know you choose to divorce...your marriage doesn't happen to end, out of your control...then you'll have changed enough to know you're choosing.

"Hopefully, I'm wrong, but it is not worth the drama."

Great point, Rp. And a great boundary...if you choose to have a boundary around drama...that you will not use hyperbole, exaggeration or abusive behaviors in an effort to make others feel your feelings, believe your beliefs, perceive your perceptions, agree with your thoughts...then you will not accept drama (which is abusive). Great choice. Stating our stuff is respectful. Demonstrating it is not.

"If she puts me out the house, I only want to ensure that my personal possessions and information (SS#) will not be damaged."

Why are you putting your choice dependent on hers? Why not ensure now? Why not choose to work on your self and your half of your marriage? You chose this woman...she's not a monster...or your enemy...she's your wife. You're her husband. You both can get back those in-love feelings again...and they come over and over again...and in between, you choose to KNOW you love and act from it, anyway.

Saying your wife isn't worthy is abusive.

"Please help me because turning to her for support is not a valid option for me anymore, and I don't think it will ever be."

We're here...there are a lot of great books out there, counseling, Al-Anon, support groups...so many resources for you to get real support, hear other humans share their truth, where you've been, they've been...and grow through knowing your power and limits...so you can live in freedom, real responsibility and from love.

I'm not blaming you for the state of your marriage or her abuse...you're only half. When I highlight where you DJ, I'm showing you what I saw in myself, what I did...and I was tied up in blame...and it isn't real. Humans do and don't do. That's it. No blame. Only ownership.

I promise.

You can do this.

LA

Hi there,

Ok, here's some honest truth. . .

My husband and I have been married about 2 yrs, and when we first married I nagged him a lot. He told me many times that it just pushed him away from me and he didn't like coming home after work because he knew I would nag him (getting clothes off the floor, cleaning up after himself ect. . .) I finally heard it from him a few times and it registered in my brain to quit bugging him.

I guess my point is, maybe let your wife know that - that you don't like coming home because you will get bugged. When she makes a negative comment, let her know that doesn't feel good or it was not nice of her to say that. Let her know that you have said hurtful things and you are going to make a commitment to be positive from now on. Ask if this is something that you can work on together. If you set that example, she may follow. Be patient.

I am sure you both are wonderful people. Sounds like what needs to work on is communication. I highly recommend a book that helped me a lot - "Five Love Languages" - maybe you can buy it and start reading it in front of her and let her know that you are working on becoming the best partner you can be.

Please do not leave your home. Many people give up too quick and I don't want that to happen to you. Please have faith that you are going to make this work - that you are going to take the initiative to work on this marriage and you will set the example - she will follow. Say things like "I want this to work out and so I am reading this book to help give me guidance. I hope you would like to work this out too". Positive thoughts, positive words. . .

I hope this helps. Best to you.