My wife and I have been married for 7.5 years and we have a 4 year old daughter. I was 19 and she was 20. We are now 26 and 27. We are having trouble in our marrige and have had for a long time. My wife told me today that she wants a divorce, but I don't. After she had cooled off she did say to me that maybe we should get counsiling. I agree and that is why I am here.

The only real fight that we have is that she thinks that I don't respect her. We grew up in a small town in the North East and got married there. After moving to college and finishing, we decided to move back to that town we were from because of financial issues and because we were thinking of starting a family. My wife has a bacholors degree and I have an associates degree from a technical school. I worked in the field I was trained in and my wife chose to be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born. She did this for 2 years. During this time we were close to our parents. I was doing a lot of side jobs for my parents and her mom on the weekends and working during the week. I thought that me doing this especially for her mom would not be a problem for her but I was wrong. We were not spending enough time with each other, and my wife was not getting a break from the every day stress of child care. I still was there to try to help our parents, but not as often. I can see that was not respectful. My wife first mentioned to me that now that our daughter was older that she wanted to go back to work. We could use the extra money, but I wanted her to stay home with our daugher. I decided that I was also wrong to want that because this was her chance to do what she wanted with her life as well as be a mom and that is not my choice. During this time period she is telling me that she hates the town we live in and she wants to move somewere else. I am for years adiment on not moving. I liked the small town and being close to our families. Finally last year my wife gave me an altimaton that either I moved with her and my daughter or I can stay alone, so I found a job, gave my notice at the job I had (which was the best job that I had ever worked at) and moved 1326 miles south to a place with no extended family or people we knew. The biggest reason for moving was more opertunity for our daughter because she has type 1 diabetes and there are a lot more medical advences. The other thought was to get further away from our extended family so maybe we could spend more time with each other. Since we moved my wife had lost 90 lbs, and has a very stern and almost caulky attitude towards me. Our two friends who moved with us notice this also and mention it to me and sometimes my wifes best friend tries to talk to her about it and my wife gets even more angry and it is directed towards me. My wife works nights down here like before we moved and still tells me that I don't love her, and don't respect snd cherish her. She says that I have a bad attitude all the time, and that I never have anything nice to say to her. She says that I don't listen to her or try to do anything nice for her. What makes it worse for me is that I don't see myself that way, but that I feel the same way about her that she feels for me. When I say that, she thinks that I am trying to make the fight and all our problems her fault. Now I am 1326 miles from anything familur and she tells me she wants a divorce. She has threatened divorce in the past but I can see that she is serious and I need to do something. I am sorry if I am rambeling but I need some help. I did read the different actions like the love points and the nogotiating tactics. I don't want a divorce. My wife and my daughter meen too much to me to even think about giving up and I need to do the things i'm suppose to, to show that. I hope it's not too late.

worried...

Do you believe that your wife is having an affair? This is the general questions section of the infidelity forum, you know that, right?

Mrs. W

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. I hope you will read all about the emotional needs, and try to start meeting hers. Since you are the one that came, you are going to have to be the one to make the first changes.

It is also recommended that you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Ask her what she means by respect. Ask for specific examples of where she thought you did not show her respect.

And consider buying the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders." It sounds to me like you two set up decisions as black and white, win for one person only. For example, stay at home Mom or working Mom. How about Mom who works part time or works out of her home? Another example: move 1326 miles away or stay in small town. How about stay in small town and set clear boundaries with relatives (you are welcome here under these circumstances...), moving to a town nearby, moving away but agreeing on extended vacations back in small town, etc.

Of all Harley's books, "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" was the one that gave me most insight into the problems in our marriage. We had black and white thinking as well. And my husband's view of respect was that he get to decide what he does regardless of whether I view it as positive or negative because "if you cared about me, you'd be happy if I was happy." His definition of respect was justification for independent behavior.

But -- don't evaluate what she says. Just try to understand in as concrete terms as possible what she means by respect. Then let us know.

Respectful