I am in my third marriage and I can honestly say that I have been the best in this relationship. No secrets, 100% responsible, a real super wife. I have had a spending/budgeting issue for the last 10 years. I finally started to tackle the issue at hand, and have been an active member of debtors annonymous, have been going to counseling, paying bills off, not spending to self sooth, and I am on a plan that is working with no one elses help except me. This is amazing since in prior years I always had to have someone else help me out. My husband, regardless of the amount of talks continues to obsess over my debt. Everytime we talk he rehashes every issue he can think of, and each time adds a little more, and each time I profusely appologize and ask for forgiveness. I have already forgiven myself, and have been moving forward that the talks have become emotionally abusive and very draining. On top of this issue, he has several others as well ranging anywhere from my daughter and everything she does. The moment she does something wrong she is a horrible child. She is 9, a straight A student, never been in trouble in school, very sweet. He is upset because I am not keeping up on the house work, but he himself says he doesnt want to participate in any of the house responsibilities inside or out because it is a rental. I work full time, raise my daughter, and coach part time, and do it all myself, so it is never totally done. He also needs $ to invest in his career, which is fine with me, but his dreams are only ever of his career.
Buying a home has been discussed, and with my current situation, it would not disrupt the financial plan for me, due to a recent very large raise. He has said yes then no, giving multiple reasons, 2 of them being that it would strap him and not give him the extra cash for his career that he may need for plastic surgery, classes, etc... and what if I dont have money like times before. I havent asked him for money to cover bills since august of 2005, which was because of taxes that werent filled on time, which was my Ex husbands fault. I still get reminded of that. In all fairness I also didnt split our wedding.
He views us not being able to do a home now, as punishment for me, that I must suffer for my choices. When I am done paying them, he said he will do it. There are so many other variables involved with this purchase that my $11,000 in debt can be taken care of without worries. I have not asked him to pay it for me as I have always stated that I will do it on my own, which in tern he says sounds sarchastic and makes him feel like less of a man. I may have a tone that sounds like i am being like "I will show you". Given the company I am keeping its hard to get any support.
So here I am sunday night, days after a large fight in which I told him that I would be leaving, and he says he will go to counseling, etc... and today, he says it was a ploy to get him to soften so he would pay my bills. I have never asked him to pay my bills, and every time we talk or fight, he puts a motive behind it like I am taking digs, softening him up, etc... Then when I react he says fine then leave like my other wife did. This is no way to live, and I have joined e harmony marriage, do my counseling, I actively read this web site, post reminders around the house for me, but I dont feel like it is me, or our marriage. I can see individual issues going on that he needs to resolve before we can work on our marriage which he said he is not willing to do because there is nothing wrong with him.
I cannot continue like this. It causes such stress that as I write I have already experienced one small anxiety attack. It is constant dramam in my home and when I have my husband and daughter home, they both fight for my attention, calling me to come be with them, as they are in seperate rooms. All the while I am trying to keep up on the house, and take care of me. February our lease is up, and there is an available room at my parents house. in 2-3 months I can pay off my remaining debt, restore my credit score and buy a small home. I would love an honest opinion, I am trying so hard.
sam
