I know the purpose of these boards to help save marriages.... but there are times when I see what the BS's are going through that I wonder if I should start my own "wake up the WS service." Exposure is one thing.... but I wonder how many WS's would think twice about what they were doing if they knew they were putting more than their "integrity" on the line. I know... we really can't do that... but there is something to be said for putting a little fear in some people. Reminds me of a line from a movie I liked.... "Would you rather be loved, or feared? Feared... it lasts longer." Okay, I am done my rant, I feel better!

This board does more than 'save marriages'. It helps the BS put their mind and heart insync. Having a clear mind, a calm heart and lots of patience empowers the BS and family to move forward. If the WS still exists, then B and D plans are often enacted. If the WS comes back then it is the BS' choice.

What we learn here is how NOT to be the doormat, maybe the slippery floor to the A but NOT the doormat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

It has also helped this RWS, find herself, and discover the why's of my A and fix my character flaws which led me to have an A.

Initially, it was fear for my life that kept me away from OM after exposure. The fear that kept me from OM has also led me to see my H in a different light. A man capable of such actions, such implications is a man that I'm intended to spend the rest of my life with?

I will not stay faithful out of fear, that is an incredibly barbaric way of thinking. I refuse to be "kept" in fear.

As for your hypothetical fear theory, it has some wrinkles that need ironing.

KY

What were you thinking about in terms of "putting a little fear in some people"?

My FWH loved for me to rant and rave and threaten and throw stuff and try to fight him and to talk about how I would destroy him and the OW......

MY OLD SELF WAS GREAT AT THIS....

He tried to provoke me into this....

He used this to JUSTIFY his A..the ANGRY OUTBURSTS, THE LOVE-BUSTING..YUCK.....

I did gain his RESPECT, though, by evidencing my PERSONAL POWER but it was not through use of FEAR TACTICS...

I often spoke very softly and quietly but it was the MESSAGE in what I was saying....

I was CUNNING. He often did not know what my next step would be.

There's lots more to this...

But, in general, I BECAME IN CONTROL OF AND IN CHARGE OF MYSELF AND STOPPED TRYING TO CONTROL HIM.

In MB language, this was MY PLAN-PLAN A!!!!

mimi... nothing personal, but I am not discussing this with you.

KY & Orc.. it's just a matter of me being tired of seeing too many people on here abused by their WS. Sometimes, I just think the WS's need a swift kick to their 'anatomy."

I hear you, and I understand, I was just letting you know the reality of your suggestion, isn't working well for us, that's all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

medc:

After 1372 posts and 14 months, What have you learned?

That the only way to fix a WS is to harm them? Noodle proposes that grave physical harm befalls any WS if they do not reform.

If your WS does not reform, then start making some choices. For yourself.

To paraphase Star*Fish: I came to this site to change my husband, I found out I could not, I made him want too!

And yes, I am a FWS, just like Mimi. And if you do not like what we might have to say, then maybe it is you who isn't learning....

And maybe it was just a rant.

And you were perfect and the WS is totally defective. Well, there is a lemon law for WS. Its called divorce. Use it.

And out of the 300 million in this country and 6 billion worldwide, you are upset about WS not being nice? I think about two years for you in any of a number of small foreign countries, and even some places in the US would fix some of that thinking.

The pain inflicted on a BS by a WS is huge. But in the end, the BS has got to start making choices to limit that pain.

And this is not a FOG bound WS speaking here. I handed my BS the perfect opportunity to divorce me. She was going to do it when our son graduated HS, anyway. But, for the grace of God, we figured out what was wrong and went to work on it. And here we are. My BS would have killed the man I was. I do not think she wants to kill me now. I'm at least 99.8% sure of it...

Well, I am still completely confused about what this thread even means. MEDC, when you say you would like to "put a little fear" into the WS, what exactly does that mean?

Do you mean beating the ****** out of them or do you mean something acceptable like standing up to them and getting legal protection? I can't comment until I know exactly what you mean. Can we define some terms here?

For the record LG, Mimi is a FBS...

I will chime in here and say that I too get upset with WSs...I am a FORMER WS...I personally don't get upset about rants about WSs, because that is NOT who I am today...

Mrs. W

MrsW:

My bad, I jumped to quickly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Sorry Mimi!

For the record, I am not even with my ex anymore. I have moved on quite nicely, thank you. I am just tired of seeing good people get trampled by WS's that only seemed concerned about their own hides (and show no concern for their family). So, I ranted.... anybody here doesn't like that... tough. It was just a rant as I said and not a call to arms.

It's all good LG, I understand, I just knew that you'd want to know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I think it's the remorse you are not hearing that is missing from some WS's?
Or the DESIRE to "rectify" the wrongs done.....although we know there is no "fixing" it.
I think I know what you mean,
"There's far more BS on the board willing to take the right steps and their WS are not owning up to their responsibility in making their BS feel safe and loved".

LG, I have noticed the more recovered a FWS is, the angrier they become at the antics of a cruel WS. They are no longer personally invested in a defense of such behavior and, because they themselves are well in recovery, can no longer RELATE to them. Instead, they see right through their antics.

When a FWS DEFENDS bad behavior, or explains it away, I know they are not far into recovery because they feel a KINSHIP to that WS, rather than a recovered person.

A normal, healthy reaction to cruel, unjust behavior is OUTRAGE. That is simply a sign of decency and sound mental health.

And this reply from a FWS... and I question the F part of that with your logic here makes my point. Yes, there is reason to be upset over what WS do to the BS and their family! I have seen more things in my life than most ten people... yet I still have compassion for a BS... something that you obviously lack. So, do me a favor... until you want to drop your WS thinking and minimizing of the damage done to a BS...shut your trap.... the last thing I need is some foggy thinking person mimimizing the harm done to a BS and the innocent children.

Kind of like being an ex-smoker. I see through all the defensive and justification nonsense my still-puffing friends feed me!

Alph.

Alrighty then...... I have been wanting to get in on a thread like this for some time now. So here goes.

I am a huge believer in the MB principles and supporter of this site and all that it entails (Plan A, Plan B, 180's, Boundaries, even Plan D in some cases, bettering one's self, gaining self respect in the middle of a storm and so on).

Although, there are times when you know what......the marriage wasn't bad, the BS wasn't an ogre, nay he/she was a damn good husband and or wife and mother and or father, a great listner, provider, showed affection, admiration, respect, love, honesty and communicated with the WS AND yet they, the WS chose to do what they did anyway. In these cases I do not believe Plan A is the best alternative. I did Plan A my rear off but looking back I think I should have been more forceful and less accomodating to my EX WW. She took my Plan A as a sign of weakness, I think. She is one who understands only a 2x4 across the head. She is that stubborn and prideful. In the cases where a spouse while not perfect would be considered quite a catch by most any other member of the opposite sex is betrayed by someone who isn't happy with who they are, who have become or are narcissitic, selfish, entitled, angry at the world, bitter, resentful, not living in reality the plan A may not be the best approach.

Looking back I would have taken a different approach. I would have likey plan A'd all the while seeing my attorney and filing for D and, removal from the home, custody/support, restricted visitation, etc. I would have made it clear that this is not what I want nor what is good for the children but that it was her choice when to stop the foolish, selfish, entitles and immoral behavior. If it didn't stop that the children and were perfectly capable of living without her and for to go ahead and chase her OM and fantasy. I would give her 30 days to think it over and at the end of the 30 days I would make my move and not look back. I would have confronted OM face to face and when I left he would have been afraid to leave his home much less hook up with my EX WW. I would have personally visited the workplace and confronted from the CEO down how they could allow things like this to happen under their noses and who else is involved in one of these affairs. I would have personally visited the OM's wife and told her everything I knew.

Again, I love MB principles and think its the best thing going to save a marriage caught in the throes of an affair. But, when you are a good spouse and you were doing the things that any normal person of the opposite sex would crave then Plan A falls on deaf ears and I think you begin to look weak if you stay in it too long. I think you can Plan A (including exposure) without looking weak but you have to offset it with boundaries, requirements, timelines and such so that the WS understands that while you have been devestated and hurt you will not be walked upon ever. You don't deserve that.

EXACTLY!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I am a FBS.

I responded because there was an important message that I wanted to share with BSes.

THAT IS, THE MAJOR IMPORTANCE OF GAINING AND ASSERTING YOUR SELF-RESPECT. and not giving into the natural inclination of degrading yourself my LOSING SELF-CONTROL.

Yes, it will happen every now and then..displays of OUTRAGE and INCONSOLABILITY... as Mel states but it is IMPORTANT if not CRUCIAL to get back up on your HIGH HORSE..on the HIGHER PLANE of DECENCY and SELF-CONTROL..which you have and the WS does not have at the time....

So basically, I THINK I'm agreeing with you, MEDC.

I just didn't understand the FEAR aspect in your post.

I will take any opportunity that I can here to help others that were in that AWFUL PLACE that I was a few years ago...

Mimi, I want to make clear that I don't believe that moral outrage is something that should be ACTED UPON with one's WS.

I am only speaking about one's natural, healthy reaction to injustice in GENERAL. There are situations where moral outrage should be acted upon and situations where it shouldn't; I see the actions we take in response as an entirely different subject.

But is is healthy and normal for a decent person to FEEL outrage when they see injustice being done to another person. *THAT* is the high road.