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A roller coaster ride is easier to survive than jumping off a cliff.
You might have hated the ride and REGRET ever strapping yourself into the MB seat..but...at least you survived and hopefully you'll thrive evereafter.
W'ism
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I do know that with some WS's a modified plan A, and swift kick in the aZZ may be in order I agree with this, meaning that when the BS has been meeting the WS needs and the WS became wayward anyway, then I believe a shortened Plan A is in order, followed by a swift and very dark plan B...In the case where the BS has been neglecting the WS-(and I do realize that the WS was doing the same) then a longer Plan A is in order... Just My .02... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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R, this is the umpteenth time I have heard this from you and you know what, I no longer accept blame for little to any of the downfall of our M and your A. I will no longer look inside me to see what I did wrong or what need I didn't meet. R, you know when you lay down at night and you quit spewing fog that I was a very good husband, mate, friend and a wonderful father. You know this and I will no longer stand by and listen to crap coming from your mouth so that you can sleep at night for destroying our M, betraying me, our children and your own dignity and self respect. This is on you. This is your burden to carry. Remember this when you have to drop our son off for another two weeks before seeing him. Remember this when our little girl (my step daughter) cries and wants to stay another night at my home, when she doesn't get to see her brother as often as she would like, when she doesn't get to teach him things and protect him. Remember this when she is old enough to hold you accountable and does. Remember this when the old lunatic serial cheating, lying, pathetic and broke excuse for a human being starts his 16th, 20th or whatever number it really is affair and you get to feel the sting of betrayal. Remember this when your son grows up and doesn't really know you. Remember this when you sit in a church pew and pray. OR, don't. Hide your head in the sand and continue to get a bigger shovel in order to dig deeper and deeper. Doesn't matter to me anymore BUT don't use me as your scapegoat because I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT ANY LONGER. SLEEP WELL TONIGHT. GOODBYE Brilliant. What started this thread for me was yet another thread that has a person suffering at the hands of a WS that is now using the law to her advantage and having her H kicked out of his house so that she can continue her A without interuption. This repeats itself far too often. A boot in her [censored] would be more effective than a plan A IMO. Now, I don't mean that leterally... but what should happen is that she should fear that if she continues on this course that she NEVER sees her children without supervision and that she loses every penny to go be with her boy toy. Consequences of the actions chosen. The BS should not have to tolerate the cruelty of an A AND have to deal with losing his children, home and dignity also. Those are the types of things that make people hang themselves by an electrical cord in their own basement. That type of EVIL... and yes, I too mean absolute evil... needs to be responded to in a fashion that says... I love you... but NEVER try and -uck me over! JMVHO.
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I've been following this thread all day! Wow, I can feel the energy from here!
I guess it goes without saying that I wish I never knew what a WAYWARD signified, or meant, I wish I didn't have to hunt this site down on the internet, I wish many things.
SINCE, I do know what a wayward is and how that affects me; and BTW it SUX!!!, at least I did find this site in time to help myself.
In my case, I think it would require entirely too much self-care on my WH's part to even begin a course toward dropping the 'W'.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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In my case, I think it would require entirely too much self-care on my WH's part to even begin a course toward dropping the 'W'. BULL...I ASSUMED THE SAME..and it was HARD AS H..for my H to end his A but he did....after I got the courage to do PLAN B. This is EXACTLY what I get concerned about..discouraging BSes from the use of the MB Program. I believe without a doubt that the HARLEYS advocate basically strict adherence to their program. In SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, there is no mention of a modified PLAN A or modified PLAN B. It clearly states that if PLAN A is not effective, then PLAN B is recommended. For some WSes, it takes a long time for them to get it. It is difficult to break the addiction to the OP. I am so thankful that at a time that I was discouraged and ready to give up on my marriage I came to this site and was INSTRUCTED specifically on PLAN A and PLAN B as recommended by the Harleys. When I veered off course and tried to do it my way, I was swiftly guided back.... I am thankful that I did not give up after more than one false recovery. I BELIEVED in this APPROACH and attempted to follow it to a T and it has led to the wonderful life that I lead now. If this is possible for someone else, I do not want that person to be discouraged. Of course it is not a foolproof approach...but the Harleys clearly say that there is a greater likelihood of MARITAL RECOVERY if their program is strictly followed.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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BULL...I ASSUMED THE SAME..and it was HARD AS H..for my H to end his A but he did....after I got the courage to do PLAN B. Oh, I know, I'm just feeling on the low end of the spectrum right now. Currently thinking waaaay too much about WH... Personally, outside of MB principles, I FEEL for the BS, and do wish that a swift kick to the WS's head to realign their chakra's would help, but I know that any WS's reception is low when they are wayward, so any malice against them just feeds their wayward flame!!
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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do wish that a swift kick to the WS's head to realign their chakra's would help, but I know that any WS's reception is low when they are wayward, so any malice against them just feeds their wayward flame!! Mimi..sighing in relief..my girl is back to thinking straight.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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mimi, always got my back, thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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I believe that there is a huge difference in the WS, the FWS and the RWS.
The ideal spouse who cheated is the RWS, Recovered wayward spouse, this is whom you are all wanting. This is the spouse who feels remorse, although I believe a FWS does as well, but a RWS, will fix him/her self. They will correct their behavior, they will seek help from others, (professionals) they will make amends with anybody hurt in their situtaion and they will forever discontinue anything and everything having to do with the A. They will forever beware of any situation that might lead to an A, and avoid that situation. They will not put themselves in that type of position again.
I think we sometimes set the FWS up for failure, in my opinion they are still a work in progress. A FWS still has so much work to do, if they do not do the work if they do not fix themselves they will soon be a WS again, with the same OP or a new and different OP. It's a cycle and if they do not break it, it will happen again.
If your WS turned FWS doesn't change immensly then you are in trouble. You should be seeing them grow in front of your eyes. The RWS, is somebody whom you can respect and love and trust fully again.
Your M is not safe with a FWS, you need a RWS. A RWS, is a better, stronger version of their old self.
There is a difference, a huge difference.
KY
The queen, for her part, is the unifying force of the community; if she is removed from the hive, the workers very quickly sense her absence. After a few hours, or even less, they show unmistakable signs of queenlessness. - Man and Insects
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If your WS turned FWS doesn't change immensly then you are in trouble. You should be seeing them grow in front of your eyes. The RWS, is somebody whom you can respect and love and trust fully again.
Your M is not safe with a FWS, you need a RWS. A RWS, is a better, stronger version of their old self.
There is a difference, a huge difference. K: I agree with you 110% on this. My H is a RWS...as you describe... But for him..for us...it took lots of WORK, TIME AND PATIENCE.... When we first reconciled, he was a FWS..as you say.... He continued to steadily move forward but the changes were slow in coming....6 months of withdrawal...EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to not see or talk to the OW.... I'm encouraging those early in recovery not to expect their spouse to be a RWS early on in the process... The WS returns beaten and broken, in need of healing, before there is MAJOR CHANGE..they have been living in an ALIEN WORLD and have to become accustomed to REALITY once again... It's easy for me to see looking back on this..but early on I didn't fully comprehend what was going on...we were making in from day to day..the WALKING WOUNDED..with HOLES in our HEARTS.... I'm so thankful that I didn't give up and hung in there to have this opportunity to live my life with a wonderful RWS....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I have another rant to get off my chest here... sort of related to the topic at hand.
I also HATE.... and I mean HATE....people that enable or associate with those that have A's. I see this as being a battle... you have to pick a side and stand for what is right.
I dated a girl that had two friends that were single homewreckers. The friends did not care if a man was ammried or single... they would still "date" him. I told the girl I was dating that I could not understand how she kept these weeds in her garden of friends. Her response was something along the lines of "we're not close... I only get together with them in a larger group." I say these girls should have attached to them the stigma of what they are until they change their ways... AND make amends for what they have done. I have no tolerance for the ..."it's not my life" attitude... so, now her number has been removed from my cell phone. Bye, bye.
Okay, I am done that rant now!
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so, now her number has been removed from my cell phone. Bye, bye. LOL.... MEDC: A MEETING OF THE MINDS!!! I DEFINITELY AGREE WITH YOU 110% ON THIS ISSUE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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so, now her number has been removed from my cell phone. Bye, bye. LOL.... MEDC: A MEETING OF THE MINDS!!! I DEFINITELY AGREE WITH YOU 110% ON THIS ISSUE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> 500% here. I had a friend who was fooling around behind her husband's back with a married co-worker. For awhile, I would try to tell her how unhealthy it was for her, how she was inviting an intruder in on her childrens lives and how she was intruding on his children's lives....she never listened. We moved away, and dday occurred. She'd contact me to try to talk about the adultry and I directed her here and told her to fix her marriage. We've moved back, and I have yet to see her. I have NO urge to associate in anyway with her while she is in active adultry mode ****** bent on destroying two families. Nope. Not at all. I have a line drawn in the sand...it's non-negotiable now. Also have a cousin who is messing around before his divorce is final. You may be certain he's getting an earful....and his new gf better not meet me....I've heard she's nice....humph. Nice girls do not date married men. - Kimmy
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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I believe that anyone... and I mean anyone (it doesn't matter their role in our lives) needs to be removed if they supported the A, helped hide it, encouraged it, enabled it, etc... that these people either seek the forgiveness of the BS or they are forever removed from our lives. There should be no part of the cancer from the A left. I consider the removal of the OP as the surgery part of this process... and the chemo and radiation are the removal of any of the other potentially infected areas. Every person involved with a married couple needs to support that couple or get lost. I really don't care if it is a mother/father/friend.... they need to go if they are part of the problem. Forgiving your spouse has an upside in that the M can survive... the M does not need these other people in order to survive. JMHO.
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"Nice girls do not date married men."I think we ought to make this into bumper stickers!! I might accidentally put one on WH's car, and a matching one on OW's .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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