Junior Member


Reged: 11/13/06
Posts: 1
online affair? what now?
#3132504 - 11/13/06 02:01 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



found out that my wife has/ had an online affair, after months of not getting along well i confronted her about it and askend that the time she spends online playing a game (wow)was for fun or escape. for those that know world of warcraft knows how much time these people spend on it. she said escape. after more time see her play at 60+ hours a week on top of working 40+ hours a week, i confronted her, she said she needed to go to newengland to see the leaves change, and think. i told her to leave flight#'s and times and go, but this was making me very upset. she did not go told me she decided to not need to go to decide that we were done. i was floored. she said she wanted a divorce. that was a month ago, we are in counseling seperately and things seem better, a little better, shes been diagnosed as depressed. this weekend i find the online order for the flights and times for her to go to the midwest. this printed up in a file in home office. she did not go but paid for it 1 week ahead of the date, then i belive she did not go due to my insistance for the flight #'s and times. no i have proof that she was going to meet a fellow online player in his hometown, i repeat, she did not go but know she wanted to. and there is ap player on this game roster in the same town and she uses his name for a login refrence to the game. her behavior when confronted about her acting like theres someone else, she denies all and says theres no affair. yadyadaydadayyada. just like the intro said, the a light went off bigtime? in my head. now what do i do. sorry to ramble, pretty [email]f@#$%[/email] in the head right now

tc

Install a keylogger on her computer and have the reports invisibly sent daily to another computer, such as your work computer. Stop accusing, stop asking and get the goods.

A couple of good keyloggers are www.actmon.com and spectorpro. I am not sure if SpectorPro will do it, but actmon will email your reports to another email address if you want. Just be sure and set it up invisibly. After you install it, then run your spyware monitor and your virus protector to see if it picks it up. If so, then program them to ignore it.

Find out what is going on and then come back here and we will help you determine what to do.

TC-

Couple of things.

First, calm down. You're in the right place to get some help.

Second, paragraphs are your friend. So is punctuation. The better you communicate, the easier it will be for people here to read and understand and respond.

Ok..so with that said, we need some more information.

How long have you been married? Kids?
Why did she want to go to New England? What reason did she give besides the "leaves turning"? Does she have family, RL friends, etc... there?
What do you know about this OM (other man)?
How long has she been gaming with him?


Now, some actions.

Get His Needs, Her Needs and read up. Get Surviving an Affair and read that as well. Read up the information on this site about Plan A, B, Exposure, etc... It will help a lot.

Start snooping. Get a keylogger installed on her computer ASAP. Use this to get her login and passwords for IM's, email accounts, etc... Go and read what's going on there. Also, use it to start looking at her activity and conversations "in game" as well. DO THIS TODAY!!!

Do NOT tell you wife that you're doing any of this. If you warn her, she'll go even more underground. Take steps now to learn more. The more you know, the more you'll know how to deal with this.

Keep posting here, and keep reading here.

Here is another one that might be worth checking into. It was reviewed on CNet and looked very interesting. It has REMOTE monitoring:

http://www.wellresearchedreviews.com/com...CFTaPJAodH2_DLQ

Hi tc.....you have definitely come to the right place. There is alot of wisdom on these boards.

I am a BS. My FWH also had an 8 wk online affair with someone and asked me for a divorce after knowing her for only 4 wks. We separated and are now back together trying to work through it all.

Sounds like there's a very good possibility that your wife is also having an EA with someone in that game.

BTW.....my husband spent ALL of his free time in those games too. When he had his EA, it was in a game called Star Wars Galaxies. Now he plays WOW, and believe it or not, I do too now. I play WOW with him as a form of recreation together.

Anyway.....these EA's are very damamging and hurtful and have all the pain of a RL affair. The next step is for it to become a RL affair. That was my H's intention once the divorce went through, although I don't think for a second he would have waited that long to meet her.

After our separation was over we went into MC. My H told the MC about the affair, (but not me, I just found out about 3 months ago and the affair happended 1 1/2 yrs ago.) and she told him about how the affair was fantasy and not reality. You see, if the two meet in real life and have to deal with real life stuff, they probably won't be so attractive to each other anymore. Once affairs are exposed, there's no more secret, dangerous and exciting feelings there. It's only real life and all that comes with it.

These affairs start because we are missing what we need in our marriages. Our emotional needs aren't being met. Your and hers. I totally understand your frustration because my H lived on his computer and I have to admit it's still somewhat of a problem for me. But not nearly as bad as it use to be.

See if she would be willing to talk about the EN's. I think that is a great place to start and then go hot and heavy into the love busters.

Please keep me posted. We have alot in common.






I suggest you read all about the emotional needs and love busters on this website.

Have you read all of Dr. Harley's articles on this web site?

thanks to all that responded. ill try to clean this up.

married 10 years, together for 15 years. no childer from us, she has a 21 year old son.

she wanted to go to new england because we were having problems with our relationship and she needed to get away to think about things. she is from there and this was the cover story for getting out of town. there are no close family members left up there. she said she had rented a car and was going to just drive around, get a motel room when she got tired and that was how her idea of the trip was going to go.. i voiced saftey concerns and stated that even couples with our problems can atleast leave flight #'s and times. this was the day before the trip, also found an photo of her in the online album, that had been emailed on that same date. i could not see where it was emailed to but it was the only one. all she would do before the trip was stay online and tell me she was going to take this trip, like it or not.

all i know about om is name, online and real name. phone # and what town he lives in in mid west.

she has been gamiing with this group for at least 6 months closer to 9 so she may have know him for up to 9 months.

we started couples therapy right after she did not go on the trip, trip was planed for oct 6th weekend. we have since broken into seperate therapy, the therapist said she was very depressed, prescribed meds and they meet alone 1 time per week.

since we started therapy i have found a printed out email of her telling om that she needed to keep him as a friend, that she loves him but she needs to try to not fall in love with him. kind of a need space letter.

i asked her and she said it was a guy that she talks to to get a guys perspective on things, to help understand our problems in our relationship. he's married wife kids, 2 cats ect.... way to much detail, redlight #1. I ask if she thinks we will ever be close in our relationship again, like the way she's able to share with this !@##!@#. and she says i dont know, redlight# 2. then i find the email about this in a file in the home office with the confirmation of the trip she did not take. payment #'s rental car confirmation all to the town this guy lives in. not the town she said he lives in. redlight, kick in the head, feeling betrayed, light#3.

it appears that with over a month since trip was not taken, and therapy and meds we are getting a long a little better, but now i need to know everything. i feel betrayed and hurt that she has emotionally taken up with another man.

i have not confronted her with the info i have, i still dont know if she is still talking to him, cell records dont show his number in 3 weeks. right after that date of last cell call that i know of she came to me to say the usual confused " shes tired of fighting her emotions" and that we can try therapy to see if it will help and displayed more emotion that morning, crying, sobbing, very true emotions not acting. like she had been dumped. since that talk we have been getting along better each day, but there are too many red flags for me to ignore this and just go to therapy. she told therapist during a our joint session that there was no one else. then i find all this crap...

i have read much of harleys articles on the web site but not all. found forums and went into search/ panic mode.

i fell like telling her i know about the trip before too much time goes by but i still dont know if she still talks to him, i know they play wow but he doesnt seem online that often, unless hes changed his online name.???

usualy she plays with the speakers on so i hear most game communication, it is mostly all game related.

tc

So most of her communication with him was via something like Teamspeak?

Get a keylogger on her computer anyway. Odds are she's communicating with him both via teamspeak AND by sending tells/whispers in game.

Yes, he could have made a new char to run, and you wouldn't know for sure if it's him or not.

It sounds like she MIGHT be in withdrawl, which would be a good thing if the affair has ended. But you're going to need verification of this.

So she didn't go on the trip because you suspected something was wrong, and THEN you figured out she really was going to see OM?

You both need to get started in marriage counseling...and you need to make sure you get an NC who is PRO-MARRIAGE, and who understands the dynamics of infidelity. When you do...make sure you talk about what LEADS to an affair...one of those 'steps' is sharing too much personal information.

Right now...work on Plan A. That does NOT mean being a doormat for her...please understand that. It means working on YOU...make things better in your marriage, make youreself a more attractive choice. It does NOT mean tolerate anymore unfaithful behaviors.

And when you go to that MC...discuss appropriate 'boundaries' for safegaurding your marriage.

I would tell her that you know about her affair. Don't ask her, just tell her you know all about it. If you ask you invite her to deny it. Tell her that you are willing to forgive her, if she will discuss it with you. But you cannot ever recover your marriage unless you a) know the truth and b) both work hard to resolve the problems in the marriage. Assure her that you are willing to do what it takes to make her happy in your marriage.

Ask her to end all contact with the OM and to stop playing this game online. Ask her if she would send a no contact letter.

She is probably depressed becasue she is violating her conscience. Bringing this out in the open and giving her the chance to make it right might alleviate it if she is prepared to end her affair.

p.s. before you have this chat, I would suggest installing a keylogger on her computer. You will have to watch her online activities no matter what the outcome.

thanks for reply.

looking into key logger tonight.

yes, i suspected trip was not kosher and told her that i'm not comfortable with her flying across the us, and driving aroud an area of the country that she has not lived in in 16 years. leave flight#'s and hotel #'s and next day she said she did not need to go on trip to know that we needed a divorce, she doesn't know if she can get feeling back for me, did she ever love me... the usual stuff listed on mb website.

my question now is do i reveal to her i know that she was not going to visit new england but another man in another part of the country. i feel that for me to this inside is keeping the lie alive and to move on i need full disclosure.

still @#$#$ in the head, but thanks for your replys.

tc5210

Absolutely! And you might also give his wife a call and let her know this. That will cut off that avenue of contact if you have 2 ppl watching from both ends. But don't do this quite yet and don't tell your W you are going to do it.