I feel kind of juvenile but I cant stop thinking about it.
Let me start by saying I have never been jealous or non trusting, but this is eating at me.

I am 6 months into my 2nd marriage. During conversations we have had about each others relationships and thoughts on infedility, she told me she had never been unfaithful and that it really bothers her that people do that. She was pretty stern about it and I naturally beleived her. I thought that was cool, because I dont agree with it either. Well...recently she had received news of a former boyfriends death and was very destraught. This is a boyfriend from a relationship that ended over 6 years ago and she had previously conveyed that she had no contact with him since the break up. She cried for a couple days about the news and confided in me that she use to see him every time she went back home and they would go out, have sex and that he would give her money. Normally, other than being a little insecure about watching my wife morn, miss and cry over a former lover, this really wouldnt have bothered me. However, during these encounters with "exboyfriend", she was in 2 self admitted serious relationships with other guys (2 yrs and 3 yrs respectively). Obviously, she cant see this guy any more. But she did have plans to go home with out me soon. What bothers me is I have lost some trust in her. I realize that I dont need to know everything about her past, but this shows that she not only lied to me about him, but she had no problem cheating on these other guys. We are going to be seperated soon only do to career moves for approximately 1 year and I am having reservations now. Other than my current trust issues, everything else has been great. I am not enthused about her career choice that will cause us to be apart for a year, but it is very lucritive and would make life easier and set us up for our future plans. I have tried to talk to her about my concerns, but she told me that the other relationships have no comparison to us and that she would never do that to me. I want to believe her, but it is becoming hard. I am concerned that even if she is telling me the truth, that my feelings are going to cause future probs. I dont want this coupled with our future career related seperation to end an otherwise great thing. Am I overly concerned or should this set off the alarms I am hearing? Is the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying.. reasons for concern? Any suggestions on how I can deal or approach this?

I guess my question should be...how would you handle this? Also, should this be in the infidelity forum or here?

dbro, I will tell you how I would handle it. Knowing that couples that live apart are just invitations to adultery, I would not agree to live apart. It is the kiss of death. It is sacrificing the marriage for the career.

That is your biggest problem as I see it. If you can overcome that huge problem, I would just ASK my spouse about these glaring problems in her past.

You DO have a right to know who you are married to. If she conceals key facts about her past that reveal her true character, then she has essentially committed fraud.

dbro,

You have some very serious and valid concerns regarding your wife's self explained perception of infidelity. Knowing what I know now, I would sit her down and go into GREAT detail about your boundaries while she is gone. Leave NOTHING unsaid. A loving spouse should respond with equal sincerity.

How much do you stand to gain monetarily when it may cause a loss of infinitesmal value?

To be fair, I need to paint a better picture. Both of us are currently active duty military. After 7 successful years, she is leaving the military next week. I am facing the possibility of going back overseas for about 7 months next fall. Her plans for the last year or more have been to finish college and pursue a job in the medical field. I make enough money to comfortably support us and she has the military college fund that will pay for her school in its entirety. Until this overseas military-like job opportunity popped up, she has expressed her concerns about missing the military. I have less than 3 years before I retire. We have made plans to have a child prior to my retirement. This plan was “perfect” because it gave her enough time to finish her schooling, get a job, have a child and start her career. I will be retired and can stay at home if needed. We will be pretty much debt free and I will receive a decent paycheck for the rest of my life. She would have the luxury to continue her career until she doesn’t want to anymore. Now, this overseas job opportunity that potentially will start in Dec/Jan puts a kink everything. If I do deploy next fall and she takes this job in January, we will be apart for about 16 months. This job opportunity gives her the feelings of self worth, mission accomplishment, pride and her ability to substantially affect our financial status. She will make more money in that one year, than she would have for the next 3 or 4 years if she continued her military service. She doesn’t want to be dependant on me and my finances. She is a very independent women and I understand these feelings. However, I would rather live together and even struggle a little while she finishes her education than to be apart. As I have stated before, we are only 6 months into our marriage and this time apart will cause us to be apart longer than we have been married. Coupled with that, I have the concerns of trust and honesty. I am in kind of a catch 22 here. If I express my concerns of being apart and the negative possibilities to our relationship, she will not take the job. I honestly feel that this will cause her to resent me and will be detrimental eventually. If I don’t express my concerns, she takes the job and I do not overcome my previously stated concerns and my concern of her enthusiasm of leaving and our relationship doesn’t survive the test of time, then I have done nothing to try to prevent it. One minute I feel as if I am being immature and the next I feel as if this opportunity is more important to her than our relationship. Should I let it go and see what happens? Should I try to encourage her to go back to our / her original plans? If she takes this job and we survive, things are good. However, I will always feel that taking the job out weighed the possibility of our demise. It would work out better if she took the job in conjunction with my possible future deployment, but her opportunity may no longer exist…and if the opportunity passes, her eternal resentment sets in. Who should “bow down”….me or her?