Thanks in advance for reading this very long, story- recently found out that my life and my husband were not as I thought...
Here goes.. recently had a baby..had a rough pregnancy in the sense that it was my first and to say I was nervous and scared ALL of the time would be an understatement. Looking back, I realize how wrapped up I was in being worried all the time, that I really didnt pay attention to the world around me.
I love my husband dearly he has always been a perfect combination of sensitive, sweet, caring and also a guy's guy if that makes any sense. We have definitely shared our ups and downs and have certainly taken eachother for granted bc we have been together for a while and would often forget to tell eachother things that make eachother feel good.

Well, 8 weeks ago- I just had a weird feeling- no clue why! Found a "secret" email acct which really wasnt that secret bc he used the same password that we use for everything, there was one email in there, dated back 6 months (when I was pregnant) it was to a woman I had no clue of, and it basically stated that he didnt know what they had, never intended this to happen and has only felt that way about me and now her. He also stated that what they have is not based on physical attraction, but said that of course, that is there. Well of course- I was crushed and confronted him. I was ready to leave. Heard him out, he told me that he felt lower than low at the time, felt that I neglected him, I didnt appreciate anything that he did and that I was the lowest on his priority list. Says he tried to talk to me about this when I was preg. but I didnt really listen, looking back I do semi remember this conversation, He told me that they me, she listened to him about his fears about becoming a dad, about how he was feeling in our relationship etc etc.

He said that they were friends and he was so excited that someone listened that he sent her that email but quickly realized he didnt feel that way and they discussed that. He said that they were friends from then on but described it as an inappropriate friendship as they would occassionally email outside of work (to talk) and would refer to eachother using terms of enderament. He said that he felt as they basically used eachother as they were both in the same places in their marriages- where they didnt feel loved or cared for, so they built eachother up- filled a void.

So- I didnt like it, but I believed it. We have been struggling for the past 8 weeks, bc it still hurt to know I had no clue about this and that he felt this way and that he shared his emotions with another woman- to me it was an emotional affair. Throughout this time, my husband told me that this was the biggest mistake in his life, he realizes now that I do really love and care for him and that he knows that he has to try and talk to me when he feels like this. Things have been great but awful at the same time. Great in the sense that we had a newfound appreciation for eachother but awful bc I was left with a feeling that there was something ,maybe I wasnt being told and it just hurt to think of him being comfortable like this with someone other than me.

So- having that unsettled feeling (I just cant deal with being out of control and feeling like this) I kept digging for something else. searched our computers, searched for everything until one day- I got access to his other email. Kept checking and could see that he wasnt talking to her and did end the friendship when he told me he did (after I found the email)

One day I finally told him I had access and knew that in a few days he would change his password so I logged back in one last time- found this folder called conflicts- i am assuming he had no clue it was there , as I didnt even notice it the times I had logged in before.. well lo and behold there was a whole slew of emails, mostly intiated by her. All were dated prior to me finding this email, actually they stopped almost two months before I found the mail.

Well- I am sure that all of the emails werent there, but there were enough to get a sense for what was going on. They started out as I appreciate you listening to me, I feel like we are both going thru similar things, progessed to flirty type of emails, then they were expressing that they had feelings for eachother but that there spouses had their hearts it was just that they felt connected bc of their similar circumstances and that they each made the other one feel appreciated and cared for, they also talked about long lunches together, emailing all day, and sometimes on wknds. They also showed a struggle where they talked about why they couldnt just be "normal friends" that they wanted it to be physical but couldnt bc of respect for their families etc. It went on and on like this- they would talk about the physical tension and how they felt about eachtoher, they talked about how they kissed once, and that later about how that could never happen again etc etc etc

well of course I lost it and told him we were through. He was devastated told me that he didnt tell me the truth intitally bc, it was over, it meant nothing, and he didnt want me to hurt anymore he just wanted us to start over and this was his burden to bear. He realized it was the worst thing he had ever done and that he has grown and learned from it, I am and will always be the only one for him.

This is where my question is- he tells me that he basically used her.
He said that he didnt have feelings for her for other than a friend
as she helped him thru a tough time, gave him advice and always encoruaged him to talk to me and to work things out. He said that he didnt have feelings for her in a physical sense or in a emotional sense. He said that he felt that he had to say those things to keep the situation going as it boosted his ego to hear those things from her and he was afraid if he stopped so would she.

Am I an idiot for beleiving this- it just sounds so cliche that "She meant nothing, I wasnt really attracted to her in any sense, I only wanted you"
He said things to her that he hadnt said to me in a long time..and it really hurt to read those. When I told him this, he said his emotions were misguided, he wanted to say those things to me but that I didnt reciprocate.. with her he knew he would hear them back.

I just dont think I want to stay with him if he really had feelings like what I think he did (physically and emotionally) for another woman.

Is it possible that he didnt feel anything for her? I do believe that nothing happened physically other than two kisses and her holding his hand in the car. (still makes me sick) Also, not sure if its important to mention or not
but my husband did not initiate the first kiss or the hand holding, he did kiss her the second time when they were at a happy hour and they had too much to drink. Not excusing him at all as he did kiss her back but.. who knows, guess
I am just trying to find excuses to make me feel better about all of this uggg!
Help so lost and confused

He's right...the "feelings" weren't real; however, at the time he DID think so. It's called the fog.

Here is how it happened:

[color:"blue"] poster "TOOSOONS" - 15 STEPS TO INFIDELITY

I borrowed this from another Web Site on Infidelity. It sounded like the steps my FWW described to me as she explained her affair to me.

-----------------------------

This was a handout for a church group (the statistics are almost identical for church and non-church members when it comes to adultery and divorce) but it does a good job of defining how affairs develop for far too many people. The progression from friend to sexual intimacy and betrayal. It is provided in the hope that it will help newcomers to the forum gain some understanding of what has happened and how it could or might have happened.

Anatomy of Adultery
15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?


1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"


2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."


3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

"She was there when I needed her."

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."


4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."


5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."


6. Flirting and teasing.
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."


7. Talking about personal matters.
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."


8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."


9. Special notes or gifts.
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."


10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."


11. Arranging secret meetings.
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."


12. Deceit and cover ups.
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."


13. Kissing and embracing.
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."


14. Petting and high indiscretion.
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."


15. Sexual intercourse.
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."
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Mom21NY,

It sounds as though your husband MAY have really ended it before he got to the final stage.

MB can restore your marriage.

Do not give up hope.

The common phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a misnomer. EVERYONE is susceptible to becoming a cheater. Your husband didn't set out to have an affair but he didn't just fall into accidentally either. It was a series of inappropriate CHOICES that lead him (and her) down that slippery slope.

I strongly suggest you cut and paste your post above over onto the Infidelity - General Questions II board. It is by far the busiest board available here on MB. You'll get a lot more help there.

Your child deserves a family...you owe your child and YOURSELF the chance to make your marriage work. It may even become better than it was before. MB can help you and your husband achieve that. My wife and I both post here and it has aided our recovery immensely.

Good luck and welcome to Marriage Builders

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - There is really no if's, and's or but's about it. OW's Husband MUST be told of what happened. Just like you...he deserves the truth about his life. Like you, he would want to know. Don't discuss it with your husband...just do it....the sooner the better.

p.p.s. - Affairs by men during their wive's pregnancy are very common. The fact that HE ended it months ago puts him head and shoulder above many of the men that found themselves in the same position. It's a tough "addiction" to pull yourself out of cold turkey. Read up on MB about the "fog" and the addictive nature of affairs...your husband made a terrible CHOICE; but he certainly loves you to overcome it without assistance. I vote for you REALLY trying to recover with this guy. Nobody ever regrets "trying".

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. YOur insight and information
was very helpful. I have already contacted her husband, believe me! Before that I was in contact with her via email where she had me pretty much convinced that they were just friends. When I found out that they were not I emailed her and asked her to explain what the real deal was from her perspective, I know my husband needs to be accountable to me, but I thought she would give me information to compare with my husbands to see if what he told me matched up, she had the nerve to tell me to NOT contact her again and if I did she would file a restraining order-- nice huh! So she was as sweet as could be telling me what a good, nice person she was blah blah but as soon as I blew her in, her true colors came out. It still pisses me off as I would still like her to tell me what my husband told her re: his feelings, plans etc what can you do!

Mom2:

No reason to talk to OW again. The stories will never match up, and she has no reason to be nice.

Talking and confirming with OW Husband, makes sense to insure that No Contact (NC) has been established.

I read your entire post. If you have Mr. W posting to you, you are in good hands. Listen to him, he can help.

To start with, I am the Wayward Spouse, (WS) so that is my perspective.

My Betrayed Spouse (BS) and I went through many of the same issues that you describe with your H.

She was very involved in her pregnancy and I became distant. She harbored much resentment against me because of how I treated her. I was also disappointed in her because I felt I went to the bottom of her list.

However, at that time, I hadn't found other woman. She came later. But the seeds were planted.

OW was important to your H. And he shared alot of feelings with her that you know about because you found the emails describing it.

You want with your H what he had with OW. You may have had that early in your R with H. You need to work to bring that back into the M that you have.

As awful as it sounds, my M is stronger now than it was before my A started. Because of the information on this site allowed me and my spouse to really start connecting on an emotional level. That had existed earlier in our R, but gets covered up due to trying to avoid hurting your spouse by being honest, not expressing fears to your spouse because you will feel weak, or scare the spouse, and in the case of pregnancy, your body is going through massive changes and you need alot of support that some H just do not know how to handle. (I am an example of this).

So. On the second Dday, you said you "lost it" with your H. Now, you can't do that. You need to create the environment that will allow your H to tell you what did go on. And you can not tell him that he is wrong for some of the things he thought. He knows what he did with OW were wrong. But he needs to reconnect with you. And believe me the best way is to allow him to describe what he did talk about with OW. And you have to act like OW did, and listen. You will have time to discuss with him as well how his actions were hurtful to you. And he cannot get angry with you when you describe your pain, both before the birth and after.

Do you see how difficult creating the enviornment described above? How much work it will take to get there? But if you want to get there, it can be done.

My wife and I are examples of it.

Dear Mom2,
I am sorry you are here and extend a hug to you!

I agree that the fact that he gave up his EA and overcame much of the fog on his own is a very good sign for your relationship. I caught my H in his EA and one of the things that has bothered me is that it looked like it was only escalating until I discovered the EA. He did give me a little help by bringing her back to our house. You can read my thread to understand all of that.

Anyway, please hang in there. He stopped the EA. He says he loves you and he seems to understand quite a bit about how he got into the EA.

Use the Marriage Builders principals. Start filling each others emotional needs. You are at that point in discovery where you want to know everything. I have wanted to know everything also. It is very painful. You may obsess about knowing everything. I know I did. My H also downplayed parts of the EA. THey do that to save themselves the embarassment and also they think they are protecting the BS from more pain.

Think carefully about how much detail you really want to know. The mental images stay with you for a long time. I was one of those BSs who wanted to know everything.

Please do not try to contact OW again. She should not be a part of your life in any way. I know I was tempted to contact her after I discovered the EA and I am very glad that I did not.

Does your H have to have any contact with her through his work? He should not have any contact with her, period. Hope this is happening.

My thoughts are with you. I know it is hard but you can recover. I have had a difficult time but I have to say that my H and I do have a better M as a result of working to get over the pain of the EA.

I look forward to the day when it is not on my mind so much. It takes time and work. Your situation is very hopeful. It is a chance for you to build intimacy with your H. Again, it is very good that he stopped it on his own.
Lake