Thankyou for answering my questions.

I just have a couple more.

I want to understand exactly what you are facing.

You said...



Did you mean to say the OM was or was NOT giving her stuff?



Ok, YOU moved out of the bedroom. I would HIGHLY recommend that you move back into your bedroom. PRONTO!

When did she stop having SF w/ you? During her A?

What do you mean ,"At a time she thought she let go." Let go of what?



Ok, so the e-mail was mild. You know she had feelings for him b/c of what she wrote in her journal.

Was the OM surprised that she had a romantic interest in him? What kinds of things did he say? Did you ask him if he had feelings for your WW?

How did he explain dinners and lunches w/ a married woman?

Is your WW embarrassed that the OM knows she had feelings for him? Or is she angry at you b/c he stopped calling her b/c of your talk?

~ Marsh

He said he was treating her like a elder sister. And that he thought a married woman would not fall in love with a guy. My wife did not tell him that he fell in love with him. And she is totally hostile against me at this moment. She told me that she thought she was able to treat him as friend again but then she told me she was fooling herself and me. That means she still has feeling for him.

How am I going to move back to the room? My wife does not want me in the room now. She closes the door even when she get change.

So, he was shocked when you told him?



So, she's angry w/ you b/c you revealed her hidden feelings for him to the OM? Is that it?



Yes, she still has feelings for him. It's good that she knows she can't be friends w/ him. Then she must realize that you need to change churches. Right?



You just do it. Just get into your bed. When she protests, tell her that you made a mistake when you left the house and you made a mistake when you left the marriage bed. Tell her, you love her, and are committed to your marriage.

She's the one who had the A. If she wants to be separated from you, then let HER move out of the bedroom.

e5, Please answer my question about when she stopped having SF w/ you. Was it during the A?

I am suspicious of the OM. I still question how much REALLY went on between them. They did spend time alone together. I'm just trying to figure out what you're dealing w/.

If it was really only a one sided EA, then that's one thing, but I'm afraid it wasn't ONE sided. And if it wasn't then you'll have to deal w/ this is another way.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

~ Marsh

It's only one side. Not doubt about that.

What if she said she want to leave the house if I move back? I am very sensitive to everything now... every word she said... every action she has... makes me wonder whether she still wants to be with me.

Ok, then. If you have no doubts, then let's go w/ that.

Try not to put too much stock in what she's telling you. But, do pay attention to what she does.

In her fogged out state she is VERY confused. But, since her feelings have been revealed, her fantasy will begin to come to an end. She knows he doesn't feel the same way about her. THAT will go along way to help her out of her feelings for him.

In the mean time, you need to be patient w/ her. Read up about what Love Busters are and be sure to avoid them. Also, read up about what emotional needs are and try to meet hers. She probably has a high need for conversation. Be sure to give her time to talk to you. But, you listen, let her talk. Print out the EN questionaire and ask her if she will fill a copy out for you.

Don't appologize to her for exposing her feelings to the OM. But, you can apologize for moving out, and reasure her that you do love her and are committed to the M.

If she is acting out towards you, try to take it patiently and watch out that you don't LB her. This will all just take time.

I still recommend moving back into her bedroom. You need to be close to her. It is showing her that you are moving towards her, instead of away from her.

But, it's your call. You are there, and know your situation better than I do.

Stay strong.

Keep posting.

~ Marsh

My man...you are going to have to set worry aside for awhile..okay?? As the gals on here like to say...time to man up.

Do you trust God? If you said "yes," then why worry??? If you are doing what he wants you to do...then why worry? Isnt He in control. Doesnt He work all things for our (for those that love Him) good? You know what I had to learn during all of this? I learned that a lot of this had to do with me...not my wife. That the Lord was going to use this situation to grow me.

E, you are being asked to grow up more in the Lord. He is grooming you for something bigger. But no soldier in a war can cower in his foxhole. We called it in the Army "leaning forward in the foxhole." It means when things got their worse, that we didnt hide or cower...we just leaned forward even further...face-to-face with the enemy.

You are NOT allowed to be the woman here. BWs have a different situation than BHs. You MUST lead...lead by example.

You have to get back in your bedroom. You have to begin to lead your wife to where she needs to be. You dont have a choice here, E. Not if you want to follow the Lord.

By the way...arent you still married to your wife? Then act like it. Which means a husband sleeps in the marital bed and leads his wife.

Now, if she wants to run away from what she should be doing...and she leaves the house...then it isnt your problem anymore. You can then hand her over to the Lord. And He is quite capable of taking care of a wife in rebellion to Him!!!!

Look at the bottom of this post and read up on the roles of husbands and wives. Your wife has been deceived and is being led away by Satan. You gonna allow that?? You gonna let her be devoured by the enemy?

Or, you gonna stand up and fight? She cant do it, E. She is a woman...she is not equipped. You are her head. What are you going to do? Her very life (and afterlife) depends upon what YOU do here!

The Lord shows you in Scripture what you should do. he has provided this website and Dr. Harley's principles to help you wage this battle. And he has given you a pastor and church to help you do the hand-to-hand combat.

E....this is war. You had best put your life on a war footing by now before it is too late.

The good news is you dont have to fight this alone (Jesus will take care of you) and you dont have to have all of the answers. You are but a soldier. Let the General make the plans...you just execute them.

What is Jesus telling you to do? What does Scripture tell you to do? Why are you not enlisting your pastor and other Christian (warriors) to help you in this fight??

E.......get up off the bottom of your foxhole, grab your weapon, lean forward in the foxhole and start returning fire.

Get in the fight!

Thanks Marsh!

She wouldn't talk to me now so what am I going to do? She is willing to chat with me through MSN messenger but that's about it. I ask her one question. She answered one question. Should I ask her whether she still wants to talk to me? Or I should just try to start the conversation and wait for her to tell me stop if she doesn't want to talk.

The OM listens to me. So what should I tell the OM to do? Not answer my wife's call and email? What should I tell him to do to help out?

Tell him to go to the pastor and tell the pastor what is going on. And that he should submit to the pastor's guidance.

That's what I would tell him.

e5,

I'm sure you read Mortarman's post. Do what he says! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

e5, Forget about talking R talk w/ her right now. My advice is for you to take her out and just have fun together. A nice dinner, or a movie. Tell her you won't talk about your relationship, that you just need a break from everything and want to have some fun for a change.

Be patient. Don't force her to talk. Just be there when she wants to.

Also, I would definitely advise you to tell OM to ignore her phone calls and e-mails entirely. It wouldn't be a bad idea if he sent your WW a NC letter. Something like, I respect your marriage too much to ever be a problem to it. I'm not going to ever contact you again, and ask that you never contact me again.

Be sure you see the letter before he sends it though.

~ Marsh

Just also want to find out if anything she write in the journal is fog too. Because journal tends to be more personal. She feels trapped in the marraige. And that she is thinking about leaving the marraige. No one can validate how true it is but I want to know.

Yes she feel's trapped because there is another that she is giving her heart and mind to. She thinks things will be a lot better if she could just go and be with HIM, not you. This is the fog speaking. She thinks by changing men in her life everything will be a lot better for her overnight.

My wife also emailed me that she sees a lot of good change in me but she doesn't feel that she love me. How will I open up conversation at home? We don't talk at home now.

It's fog babble. Pay no attention to it. It's just fantasy stuff.

Like I said, pay very little attention to what she says (or writes) pay more attention to what she does.

~ Marsh

Or course she doesn't feel like she's in love w/ you. She's turned her attention towards a fantasy.

Can you get her to go out w/ you? Will she go have some fun w/ you?

~ Marsh

I am not certain that it has been said here or not... but either the OM needs to leave that church... or you and your WW need to leave. NC is vital.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I am having a hard time following your posts but I sense your pain.
You go back into your bedroom because that is where you are supposed to be. If your W wants to sleep in another room, let her do so.
Tell the OM to stay away from your W and to have NO contact with her. None. I would be surprised if they have not had some type of physical relationship. If she was sneaking behind your back to meet him for dinner and go to a "prayer mountain" (this makes me sick as if their relationship has anything to do with God)... I would bet they have been physical.

No physical relationship... well hugging.

It hard for me to get over with it too. I hate ppl using God's name to hide their personal motives. It was brought up to my wife multiple times and she still think it's godly. At this point, her emotions is above everything. She still thinks she could be serving as if nothing has happened. Anyhow her emotions is above everything now!

I like that hopeandpray name. Really wish I could grasp on that hope part.

Trying to invite her to go out on Sunday now. She seemed hestitant...

confirmed... wife don't feel like doing anything together. However she is willing to go to family gathering as a couple. Should I ask her why?

How do you KNOW there was no physical relationship??? Because she said so... or he said so. Let me tell you, most every WS starts off denying. Mine denied everything and it was only later did I find out that it was over 50 times! I am not saying they did... but be prepared for the worst.... because the odds are that she did more than she is letting on.

And please do not ignore the absolute NEED to leave the church if this OM does not do so. There needs to be NC for life.

What you do is this....say to her, "Honey, I want to go out tonight and have some fun. I'd like it if you will come w/ me. We can go to a movie or out to eat. But, I think we need a break. Do you want to come w/ me?"

If she says, "no." then you leave the house w/o her. Don't act disappointed. Just go.

Come back happy.

Then in a couple days ask her again in the same way. If she says no, then go out w/o her.

Repeat

Get it?

Here's a list of Do's and Don't's Mr. W. posted for BS's....


DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP


~ Marsh

Thanks everyone. The first thing I should do is cheer up. I have been too drained by these things. It's hurting my spiritual life greatly. I got to thrive on God's prmoise and hope. Please pray for us!