This message is from the other side of the coin. Right or wrong it was a decision(s) I made to help me cope with what was going on in my life. Usually it is women who are the betrayed, but now I am hearing men experience it, maybe more often than I imagined. I am female and a betrayer (several times over). Both my spouse and I married young(teenagers) due to pregnancy. Over the years we struggled with his friends(lately his friends are female), bossiness, cruel remarks about my weight(in the early years), his lack of support(also in the early years). I loved him so much I put up with it for awhile, I would cry and then do what I could to improve myself like dieting. Then slowly I started to distance myself from him even though I was still in love with him(if that makes any sense). For many years I tried to show him affection and wanted him to reciprocate that affection. However, it didn't work. He would either push me away or give me a quick kiss. I became very depressed. I needed that affection from him because he was the one I loved. He would tell me how goodlooking other women were in casual conversation(s) and would confide in his female friends about issues that concerned him and not talk to me except when it concerned the kids or bills. I felt betrayed. Every now and then he would surprise me and leave me a note or a flower to let me know he loved me, but that was total of 4 times in the 25 years of marriage. I know there are women or even men that can accept that and be satisfied. I could not. We have seen each other a total of 8 hours per week due to work schedules for the past 20 years. So each moment together is important to me. Well here comes the sad part. I ended up having several affairs whic h turned out to be disasterous. I did not love these individuals, I just needed that affection and communication. I would fantasize that it was my spouse I was with. A few years ago, all came to a major blow-up. I had enough and was ready to leave my marriage. My spouse literally broke down and pleaded with me to reconsider. He told me all the things I waited so long to hear from him. My heart was both hurting for him and angry at him at the same time for waiting so long especially after the damage was done. I decided not to leave because I do still love him. However, I said some hurtful and hateful things to him that I wish to God I could take back. We are trying our best to make our marriage work. I know that he loves me now. But the hell we had to go through that could have been avoided if we would have just talked and listened to each other. He does not know about my affairs and I have no intention of telling him. This is not saying that what I did was right and God knows the guilt that I feel. The decisions I made I will admit were poor, but at that time I was desperate for affection. I was lonely and depressed. Not all betrayers are evildoers out for sex. Sometimes there is deep rooted problem that may or may not be in the marriage/relationship. I wish you(the betrayed and betrayer)much luck and hope that things will get better for you and that you find peace in your lives.

I totally understand what you mean, and where you are coming from, as I am in the position you were prior to the blow up. I could use your support and information if you are willing to give it.<BR>Please email me Blackjade_@hotmail.com<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Bren~<BR> Nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together.

You'll find here a great many people who also believe that betrayers are not "evil-doers". Many of my friends here have been on that side of the coin and I admire and respect them very much. <P>Thank you so very much for your insight. We are all here if you need to talk while you are rebuilding your marriage. There are a lot of people here to listen and to give good sound advice.<P>I am so sorry for the pain in your life. It can be so difficult and lonely when your marriage is not going as it should for so many years. We are all here to heal, betrayed and betrayers alike. Welcome to our family.<P>Lori

Sobeit,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He does not know about my affairs and I have no intention of telling him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm afraid if that is your stance, then you have very little chance of being truly happy in the marriage. <P>Go to the concepts section of the website, and read up on the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage. This should help put some perspective on why honesty is so important in a marriage. You will need to be honest with your husband so that you can both heal the marriage---don't run home and do it tonight, but you should be preparing yourself for this, with the help of a qualified counselor.

I was curious if anyone was going to say that K, and I agree.

K: I do understand where you are coming from, however, I know my spouse all too well when it comes to issues such as this. My spouse does not forgive or forget. He has mentioned to me several times that if infidelity happens to us, the marriage is over.(not in those exact words though.) Counselors have not been our answer, in fact they did more damage by placing blame instead of helping with solutions. Also, do I want to risk breaking up my marriage and hurting my children and my spouse even more by digging the knife deeper just to ease my conscience? Sometimes I wonder if the truth really sets you free if you do it at someone elses expense. Sometimes things are better left unsaid for the sake of all. As I said earlier, I made poor decisions and I can't go back, but I can do what I can to make sure that the rest of our married life is better. I will deal with the guilt and I will carry it for the rest of my life. Thank you though for your input.

Sobeit:<P>You don't REALLY know how your husband will respond, or what he will do. You're guessing. You may be right, but you could also be very wrong. He can't even know, until he's faced with it.<P>If anyone had asked me if I could have dealt with my wife having an affair, continuing to have the affair while I knew about, separating from my family, and then raising a baby that is biologically the OM's---you can imagine what my response would have been.<P>But I'm doing it. In a very happy marriage.<P>Give Steve Harley a call (888-639-1639) here for counseling. He will put your marriage first. He will help you understand these principles. He is a terrific resource, and a great counselor.<P>The truth will never weaken a marriage. Your (and your husband's) behaviors have. But you must work through it together---otherwise I'm very afraid that you'll never be able to have a really fulfilling marriage. <P>I've received a lot of "truth" in the last couple years. And although I wasn't thrilled with the delivery, I've been very grateful for it. You're not giving your husband a fair chance by continuing to hide this from him.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> My spouse does not forgive or forget. He has mentioned to me several times that if infidelity happens to us, the marriage is over.(not in those exact words though.)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My W DID say that... in so many words. We both did. A year and a half after my affair came to light, we have a marriage better than we ever had, and getting better still. You know why? <P>HONESTY: I will never lie to her again; I never did for the first 13 years. That secret you are keeping will be a wedge that will keep you from being truly happy. <P>CONVERSATION: We talk about everything now, any little thing that might be bothering us, before it gets a chance to build any resentment. Amazing how things that seem so big in our heads are really nothing when brought out in the open and spoken of between two people who truly love each other. And we let each other know our wants and needs. <P>There’s so much more. We still have a long ways to go, but we are so heading in the right direction now.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited October 05, 1999).]

Sobeit - I gotta agree w/ honesty. I, for one, have said and believed the exact same thing - I'd be outta here. But, here I am, still in love w/ my h and hoping we can reconcile. <P>Not because I'm needy or desperate. But because I know what love is. I never would've believed it if anyone had told me.<P>I don't believe that you can truly rebuild w/out complete and total honesty. It's disrepectful to your spouse not to tell the truth.<P>There will be anger and there will be hurt. But there will be NO secrets and secrets are more destructive than the other two. You can only work on those things that are out in the open.<P>Listen to these guys and think about it.<P>Lori

Gee I hate when I disagree with popular opinion on this board. But I'm going to do it anyway. (Hold your fire, please)<BR>DON'T TELL if you don't have to. I don't believe that it will drive a wedge between the two of you. Nor do I think that in not telling you are being dishonset. I believe that you are sparing your husband a whole lot of pain. It sounds as though things are good between the two of you now. What would your reason for telling be? All it would do is relieve your conscience, and hurt him. I do believe that you must confess your sin before God. That is imperative. But in my opinion your marriage can thrive without husband knowing what happened. Now, if there is a chance that one of the men you were involved with could tell, then that's a different issue, it might be better to hear it from you, but to tell him,for the sake of telling him, would open up a Pandora's Box. What a mess. Move on. Leave it in the past where it belongs and be thankful that you can start over with your husband.

I agree with K... Do not run and tell but do think about coming clean to your H. I believe that noto until you do this will you be able to have a peace of mind and trully re-build your marriage.<P>Good Luck with what ever you do.

SOBEIT,<P>Hi-glad to meet you. I have to agree-you won't know how your H will reaact until he is faced with the information. I had to tell you what I always told my H I would do if he cheated. I told him I would cut off his *bleep* with a dull steak knife. Now I must confess it was just idle talk-a threat to let him know how much I would want to hurt him if he were to hurt me. He did-and I didn't whack him yet. You have to have honesty above all els to make a marriage work. I wish you the very best of luck <P>*heartache*

I agree with Sorina...don't tell if you don't have to, it opens a whole big can of worms. After all, it's you who has to deal with what you've done wrong...why make him pay for your wrong doing...I told mine, on the advise of friends, and I wish I hadn't....true he just found out recently...like last week, but I wish I would have kept it to myself.<BR>Best wishes...and I'd still like to hear from you sometime.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Bren~<BR> Nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together.

The truth always comes out. Wouldn't it be better if he heard it from you?

I say honesty is better.<P>You can't truly rebuild trust without all honesty. Sure, it may blow up in your race, but if you present some ideas on how to recover - at least you are trying then to "soften the blow".<P>Without honesty, there is always a link missing, and you may try and rebuild over and over again, but there is always a wedge between you, a distance, a lie, everything. <P>If a person truly wants to rebuild their marriage, then they have to tell. It is up to the betrayed spouse to decide what to do with the information. Whether they decide to end the relationship afterwards is their right, to not tell is not protecting them, but hurting them.

sobeit,<BR>I confessed to my husband (now ex) and still sometimes have regrets about having done so. I waited 6 months after I ended my very brief affair because I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it just to unburden myself on him. Over that time, it became clear to me that part of the reason I cheated was my fear/inability to be able to talk to my H due to problems with both of us. It had created a wedge that seemed to be growing greater and greater. My H too said that he would leave if I ever cheated, which he followed through on after he extracted his pound of flesh from me the year following. He was very mean and cruel to me (something he admits now). Telling him didn't teach me anything I didn't already know. I think the MB principles might be OK in an ideal world, but we all have to decide what we can live with. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have confessed. I would have gone to therapy on my own, figured out the reason why I did this thing. I also would have encouraged my H and I to go to therapy together. I still believe an affair in an otherwise monogamous long-term relationship is only a symptom of a problem. Telling doesn't solve a thing, in my opinion IF the betrayer is truly remorseful and gets help to make sure the behavior is not repeated. I don't believe the spouse is necessarily the best person to give that kind of help. Ideally? yes. Realistically? sorry, not always. My goal was marital preservation, period. After 25 years, you know your husband better than just about anyone. If you believe that telling will not preserve your marriage, and that is your goal, then don't tell him. You will have to live with having that wedge between you. That is your decision. I would have taken that over what I took this past year or so. <P>I also wanted to reply to some of the other posters. My ex disrespected me in lots of ways too, because of ignorance, lack of attention, or whatever. This idea that you gotta tell, then the spouse gets to decide what to "do with you" is BS. It somehow lays all the responsibility for the failure of the marriage on the betrayer, which is also BS. There are other ways to solve problems. Harley's principles probably work for alot of people, and I'm not disagreeing with that. I am stating that they won't work for everyone, and you need to assess your own situation. <P>I never told a single soul about my infidelity. Not friends, not family, nobody. The OM wasn't going to tell either. I was prepared to carry this to my grave, and I wish I did. <P>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited October 08, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited October 08, 1999).]

One more thing,<BR>Betrayed people on this forum wouldn't be here if they didn't believe their marriage could recover from infidelity. You and your husband's opinion is the only one that counts. Not anyone here, not Harley, noone else. The ONLY time I believe in telling is if you would decide that the secrecy is something you cannot live with. Cheating was wrong. You need to figure out why and fix it. Telling is not going to fix your problem IMO. You decide what is best for you, your husband, and your marriage. You can't take back the fact that you cheated. Once you tell, you can't take that back either. Think about it long and hard, and don't cave just because something worked for someone else. Everyone's situation is unique.

Thank you to all for your advice, but I will have to stand by my decision. You are making the assumption that everyone who has been cheated on and finds out will have the same reponse. They'll be angry and hurt and then they will start the process of healing. Some folks never heal. I almost lost a friend who's spouse found out and went after both with a 357 magnum, but was caught just in time. This episode happened several years after the affair was over. My friend, too was coerced into being honest and it about cost them their life. They are divorced now and of course the children are reaping the pain. I can't take that chance. I would have to agree with Sorina, it would open up Pandora's box. <BR>However, I do appreciate everyone's concern and help, but I have learned from experience that sometimes it is better to leave well enough alone and move on. God knows my sorrow and I know he/she understands my decision. Again, Thank you.

TheStudent: I am so sorry for what happen to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I will stick with my decision not to tell. I agree that not everyone responds to this issue that same and for some as it was for you, it could prove disasterous. The OM(s) have and want NO contact with me or I them. My spouse owns two guns and to be honest with you, I want to live. I've known other people who have complete arsenals. My spouse knows them too.<BR>I hope things go well for you and your future becomes brighter. I will definitely say alot of prayers for you.

Benna: My apologies for not responding to you earlier. I am trying to find a computer that will allow me to protect my identity for a while. I have to resort to this method of communication for now. As soon as I am able to locate one, I will send you and e-mail. In the mean time, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I would like to talk to you, maybe we can help each other get through this rough period. Take care. It should be about a week when I will have computer access other than where I am at now.