It might. Change it up, if you want to.

Instead of saying, "I hear that you..."

You could say, "Are you saying this....?"

Once you have repeated back to her what she has said you can move on to validating w/o agreeing w/ what she's saying.

Like this...

"I can see how you would think about it that way..."

or say this...

"I want to understand you better and what you've
just said helps me enormously."

Get it?

How's it going right now?


~ Marsh

Things seemed to be getting worst....read below:

'feel like a piece of good, no, piece of trash.'

'ok, i won't say anything anymore. i won't talk to you, pls don't try to talk to me unless you want unfriendly treatment. thanks.'

What am I gonna do?

She is out to lunch now... what am I going to do now?? I probably use the same I hear you too many times... Please guide me!!!

Calm down.

It's all ok.

It'd be ok to take a break for now.

Say this, "I know you feel terrible right now. And I know you're upset, so I'll talk to you later, Hon."

~ Marsh

What is this going to do? Is that going to make everything worst? More I do, I do more damage... Should I tell her this or should I just not respond to her. What am I gonna do tonight when I see her? How should I react? I am sure I will be so ashamed to see her making her feel ike a piece of trash

No, it's ok.

When you listen to her, it doesn't mean you are going to hear wonderful things. You are going to hear awful things. Just listen to her, w/o judging, arguing, or accusing.

She's talking to you, and that's THE good thing.

You don't have to do everything perfectly. Just do your best.

~ Marsh

She will not be talking to be after this conversation. It is setting things back...

e5,

Calm down. You did nothing wrong. This did not make matters worse. She already feels the way she does, she's only now sharing some of her thoughts and feelings w/ you.

It doesn't mean what she's saying is true. It just is.

YOU did not make her feel like trash. If she feels that way, it is b/c she believes she is. You are not responsible for how she feels! She will try to tell you, you are, but that doesn't make it true.

You will go home happy to see her. You will thank her for sharing how she feels w/ you today. Do NOT apologize to her for TALKING to her! Do NOT take the blame for how she feels about herself.

Do you understand?

It's going to be OK.

~ Marsh

Did you disrespect her? Did you call her stupid? A ho? A liar?

~ Marsh

I hope I can be ok but from what she is telling me.. Should I still respond to her online message and respond to her when I go home today? Should I move in back to the room today? I really don't know

You can reply now say, "I know you are very upset. I am too. But, I want to thankyou for sharing w/ me how you feel. It wasn't easy for me to hear, but I really want to understand and what you told me helped me. So thankyou. I'll see you later tonight. Love, e5"

~ Marsh

I think it's probably not a good time for me to move back into the room? Just send the reply... will see if I will get another nasty response. Probably not since she doesn't want to talk to me.

e5,

You're going to have to get past your fears here. You must act in a CONFIDENT, positive way. If you know what you are doing is the RIGHT thing to do, then be CONFIDENT. Your WW is a mess right now. She doesn't understand what she's done or why she's done it. She doesn't know how she really feels about anything. She's all over the board. She's going to lash out at you! That's a given. Accept it. That's what WW's do. Is it fair? He!! no! But, if you will just understand this is all normal, you'll make this much easier on yourself.

SHE NEEDS YOU TO BE STRONG!

SHE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU!

SHE NEEDS YOU TO BE ABLE TO HEAR WHAT SHE SAYS W/O FREAKING OUT!

When you listen to her, DON'T take to heart what she says! She's just Fog babbleing. It doesn't mean anything.

If you get a nasty response from her, tell you are sorry she feels that way, and then end the conversation.

Did you read up about what love busters are? Make sure you aren't love busting her. Just do your best. K? That's all you can do.

But, recovery is like a rollercoaster ride. When things are getting tense just think of the rollercoaster, and know that it may be tense now, but it won't ALWAYS be that way.


~ Marsh

I don't want to assumption but it look like my same use of language might have cause her think that I am not sincere. I really need a lot of feedback to move on. And Marsh you are right. At this point my confidence level is sunk to the ground. The last thing I want to see is her giving up and saying we should separate.

This is what my wife wrote:

'I can't handle the fact that I keep on hurting you either, so I chose not to talk to you.'

How should I respond? I am just out of words now... My mind is so lost.

It may have been. W/o reading the exchange between you, I can't make a guess. But, if that was the case you can clear things up w/ her when you see her tonight.

She's in a bad place right now. She's going to misjudge and misunderstand most things you say and do. Just keep reaching out to her. All of this will take time. Her thoughts and feelings are all messed up. She's like a wild animal that you are trying to tame.

Just go slowly.

Don't expect to see anything positive for a while.

Reach out to her a little bit every day.

You might have to "pull your hand back quickly to avoid getting bit", but keep reaching out to her.

Just stay the course.

Don't assume that what she feels, thinks, or says today, is what she'll feel, think, or say tomorrow.

Don't be afraid of ANYTHING she says.

WW are known to say the most outrageous things...but they almost all say the same things. It's like they have a script they're following. Don't believe what she says. K?

Even if she says she gives up and says she wants to separate...tell her you will not discuss separating w/ her. You'll only discuss marriage w/ her.

If she wants to separate from you, let HER do it. Most WW's only threaten it...they are too messed up to do the difficult work of finding a place to live, and moving out.

So try not to worry.

Just do your best.

One day at a time.


~ Marsh

E,

<<<Mortarman unleashes virtual 2x4 upside E5's head>>>

When you gonna man-up, E? I know how you feel. Been there, done that!! But you are the man in this relationship. If this is how you act around her, she isnt going to want to come back!

A woman cannot love a man that she doesnt respect.

Your wife is a mess and is looking for someone to show her the way out of this mess. So, she comes to her husband and talks to him about all the screwed up things in her head...and she gets this???

Look, E. She is going to say a lot of things. Most she does not mean and/or will never do. If you are going to get all wound up over ever bit of babble that she utters, then you might as well go to Plan B and shut down all communication with her!

You are not listening. You are worrying the little stuff. And you are not concentrating on the big stuff.

Two rules here:

1. Dont worry about the little stuff
2. It's all little stuff

Got it? You had better get a grip here. We can help you, but not like this. You are the only one to be able to fight this fight. We cant do it for you!

Get it together, E.

Don't reply at all.

You don't need to.

You told her you'd see her tonight.

So, leave it at that.

You don't have to make her understand you.

You won't be able to anyway.

Like I said before, it's more important that you listen to her CALMLY. Knowing in your mind that what she's saying right now is fog babble. It is the language all WS's speak. Don't take it to heart.

It will be ok.

You will get through this.

You will have sucky days.

You will need to have patience.

Go easy on yourself.

~ Marsh

Actually I did not type in 'I will talk to her tonight'

Anyhow, I will listen to you Mortarman. I still consider myself young at 29. I am trying to man up as I march into my 30. Yes Marsh... I remember it Chin Up! Thanks for the positive reinforcement not only that I needed it but I have to practice it.

You say, "Feel free to talk to me anytime. I can handle anything you want to tell me, and I'm there for you."

It sounds to me that the EA has just come crashing down. You need to act confidently that things are going to work themselves out. Your situation is not nearly as bad as most who have recovered here. Mine is a little worse, but not as bad as most. Just keep plugging along and be confident. When I start struggling with confidence I start praying, and that gives me the comfort that God is on my side. Don't you think God wants you two to be together? What God has joined may no man break apart. Just relax. Your situation didn't get to this point overnight, and it won't be fixed overnight either.

- Jim