Ok, well then think it. You'll talk to her tonight.

You need to learn how to end a conversation w/ her. It is part of manning up. You say what you want, and then say positively, "I'll see you later." Done.

When you leave the conversation hanging, you are giving HER the power to end and steer the convo.

Don't sweat it. But, learn from it. K?


Good.


Yes.

You're gonna be ok.

You're going to learn things about yourself that you never knew.

You are going to grow.

You will become a better person.

You'll be ok.

Chin up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


~ Marsh

Good advice, Jim.


~ Marsh

Mortarman. I re-read your post about the fight with Satan. How could I forget that!? I have to stand up and fight which I was doing on my own but now I have to let God be the General. I pray to God to give me the power to withstand and fight back Satan's attack.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Me thinks the man gets it!!

Prayers coming from here too! Just remember...you plus Jesus is a majority!

One more thing...

Listen to Him! He will tell you what to do. Maybe thru here. Maybe thru Scripture. Many ways He will tell you. The key is to pray and to look for His will.

As you do, your direction will be clear!

Woke up early today to plan ahead and spend some quiet time alone with God.

I FINALLY moved back to the room. I went to bed before she came home from Prayer meeting and wrote her a note about how I have a a mistake to move out. (She saw the note after we had this conversation) She came in and said, "You are here?" (in a not expecting and not wanting to see me kind of tone) Then she continued,'I will move to the other room then.' I replied, "We are married" I grabbed her hand and gave her a gentle kiss on the hand. Her hand was holding on to mine too. She then answered, 'I will sleep there then', pointing to the marriage bed. Finally she asked me whether I brushed my teeth. (which I have not and is something I always ignore. Gotta remember to do it to show me changed) My wife is still changing inside the restroom and I noticed that she has not been taking the birth control pill. These are some things that I have noticed.

Yesterday was a rough day for her and I can understand why she were so furious. Our church has a 40 days fasting event and yesterday was the 39th day. For my W, she started fasting with the OM on the 1st day and together they went through 4 days of fasting. As I have told you, on the 1st day they went up to the prayer mountain. After the 4th day, they have a 'break-fast' lunch on the 5th day. My W decide to fast for another 4 days as a closure to this 40days fasting event. And this brought back a lot of memories to her because now the OM is not with him to 'break-fast' I am going to buy her some breakfast and drop it off in the house before I go to work.

I don't know if she will talk to me today but what kind of conversation should I have with her.

Wooooo Hooooo!!!!

Way to go, e5!!!

You're back in your bed, sleeping w/ your wife again! Way to go in keeping her there too.

See? She didn't move out. Remember this, e5, it's a valuable lesson for you. Women like it when men lead and take charge. It turns us on. And speaking about keeping your wife turned on....

For Pete's sake, e5, brush your damned teeth!!! And take a shower before you get into bed w/ your wife. Women like CLEAN men!! Don't neglect this! It is VERY important!! It couldn't hurt you to buy yourself a new cologne either.

I want you to put personal hygiene on the top of your "need to change things about myself list!" Believe me, your wife will NOTICE this change!

I don't know what to make of her not taking her BC pills. What do you think it means?

Good idea about the breakfast.

As far as talking to her goes, you keep things light and cheerful. Let her decide if she wants to talk about her feelings or not. Just be there for her if she wants to talk. And don't freak out when she opens up to you. It is better that she feels she can talk to you w/o judgement, than to let her keep things bottled up b/c she feels she can't talk to you.

You've got to learn to become a good listener. The need for conversation is high on your WW's EN list. So practice it as often as you can.

I want you to try to get your WW out w/ you for some FUN. Coax her out w/ you. Can you try to do that?

BTW: What denomination do you and your WW belong to?

~ Marsh

Floss at least once a day too. Bits of food get stuck between your teeth and start to decay. Aside from giving you really bad breath, it will give you cavities and gum disease.

No, I'm not a dentist, but I've had a root canal and two crowns. That was enough pain and expense to make me a strong believer in oral hygeiene.

My wife sent me a email thanking for the food. Though it was too greasy for her. She share about how she does not want to 'break-fast' because she 'break-fast' with OM last time. But still she said she ate the food because I specifically bought them for her. She said she need to 'break-fast' with God and him alone. At last she thanked me, 'Thank you for your food and your love.'

How should I respond? Through email or instant messaging?

Awesome!

She thanked you for the breakfast and YOUR LOVE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Reply to her either way.

Why don't you ask her to do something fun w/ you tonight? Take in a movie or go to dinner?

~ Marsh

Should I thank her for telling me her struggle about 'break-fast' because of the memories it brought back with OM?

YES!!!!

Thank her for sharing her feelings w/ you. Definitely!!!

I wasn't sure she had told you her feelings or if you had assumed what she was thinking.

Yes, by all means thank her!!!

~ Marsh

At last, I just chat with my wife online. Did not really bring up the things she said in the email. Felt like it isn't the right moment. Gotta keep it up!

Ok... my wife just tells me she is still upset...

actually she is very upset. How should I respond? I was just going to tell her that I know that she's still very upset and that we can talk about when we get together next time. How does this sound?

Sounds good to me.

Why didn't you thank her for sharing her feelings w/ you?


~ Marsh

I asked my wife out to dinner to talk about why she is still upset. And she replied, "maybe Sunday" and then she added 'but the damage is irreversible so talking about it doesn't do much help' I don't think I will respond. Or should I respond? I think I need to so I can take the lead in the discussion. But what should I say?

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ask her out to have some FUN!!!!

NOOOOOOOOO, relationship talk!!!!

If she wants to talk about her feelings that's one thing. But, don't keep bringing it up to her.

Ask her to go out to dinner or a movie to relax and have some FUN!!!!

Get it?

~ Marsh

I guess I already made the wrong move then... she is chewing me on it again.

No worries.

This isn't a big mistake, just a tiny one.

Try to ask her out again on another day for some FUN!!!

You don't have to listen to her DJ you. Tell her you have to go and you'll see her at home.

~ Marsh

e5,

I've been trying to follow your sitch since I first saw it and you have been getting great advice. I just wanted to jump in and say 2 things.

First, this isn't going to be fixed in a week or two. You keep coming back asking, "What do I say next?."; "How do I bring this up?", etc. I would recommend that you NOT talk about the relationship until thngs stabalize a bit. Just be with her, talk about her day (and yours) and leave the "heavy" stuff alone for a while. You don't need to respond to her when she says she is angry, acknowledge her anger and move on. ALL WS go through this. They ALL do and say the same things. It isn't something you can solve with a magic bullet. Give it time (be thinking months, not days)

Secondly, give this over to God. You can't carry this load, but He can! Read Psalm 102. A friend of mine gave that to me shortly after D-day when I made it known I would not allow WW to have me and OM, she had to choose. The first 11 verses describe where I was (not eating, not sleeping, forgetting to drink, worrying myself to death). The 12th verse is what gave me hope. (He is in control, not me). She left in a huff and vanished all night. It was less than 24 hours later I got an email from her telling me that she had decided to work on the M.

Spend more time praying for God's will and less time trying to WIN every battle. You have to decide if you want to WIN (be right) or rebuild your marriage. It may sound like the same thing, but if the latter is most important, you must be willing to give up the battle to win the war. A WS can NOT be reasoned with. You can't prove to her that she should stay and repair the marriage. She isn't listenning; she's feeling (specifically, hurting). In her mind, the M was already damaged beyond repair before this OM came along. (She's convinced herself of that to justify her part in what happend) ALL WS do this; it is a rewriting of the history of the M to ease their guilt.

Just be there when she wants you and try to get her to do something with you for fun. Leave the relationship talk for another time. Make it a date, like before you got married. Just go do stuff together and the hard things will come easier and a lot of the little stuff will actually take care of itself.

Praying for you both...

Mark

Ok, I guess that was more like four things...at least 4...