Thanks Mark for your post

Yes I am still going crazy about winning. Not really winning but I don't want to make things worst. Should I do any relationship talk with her like when she is angry or when she said she is still upset or when she demands it? Should I just tell her that we will not talk about it? Everything I said seemed to affect her. I am just not a grat communicator and I am learning a lot through here.

Don't YOU bring up any relationship talk.

If she's obviously upset, acknowledge it.

You could say, "You seem upset, want to talk about it?"

If she says no, then drop it.

If she opens up to you, then listen. You don't have to do much talking.

Just nod your head alot and tell her you understand. Stuff like that.

Don't argue, judge, or accuse.

Even if she's talking nonsense, WW speak.

K?

Just listen.

Don't stop her from talking about her feelings or what she thinks.

If SHE wants to talk, then listen!

Just don't YOU bring up relational talks!

Get it?

THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD NOT EVER EVER TALK TO HER ABOUT IS SEPARATING OR DIVORCE!

If she wants to talk about divorce or separation tell her NO!!!

Tell her you will only talk marriage w/ her.


~ Marsh

What about her schedule? Can I ask her where she is going and stuff like that? I can tell that she doesn't really want to talk to me. So all her answers are like one word or two words unless I chat with her online. Should I wait for her to go to bed even though she is a late person whereas I am an early person? Many many questions I could have...

More more questions... can I still invite friends over? Do I ask my wife first? Like when we go to church, we now drives two cars. Can I ask her why or should I just let her drive her car?

Ok, e5, you're gonna have to talk to her.

Yes, ask her what her schedule is. Ask her whatever you need or want to in order to get along together and get back on the right track.

Why haven't you asked her about her schedule? I'm a little confused here.

This is what you should do come Sunday morning. Say, "Let's drive together to church this morning, I'll drive." If she fusses, remind her that you two are married and you need to act like it. Or something of that sort.

Perhaps you can ask her to go out to breakfast w/ her before church, that way you'll be driving together.

baby steps..

Remember, she's like a wild animal that needs to be tamed by you. Reach out to her a little bit every day.

About having your friends over...I would definitely ask her first.

I'm not sure you should have buddys over now, though. I mean, you are having a crisis. I think you should go out w/ them, rather then have them over.

Also, I would let your WW know where you'll be, always asking her if she needs anything from the store.

Let her know YOUR schedule.

~ Marsh

Thanks Marsh.

I have been doing all the things you said. Before I went to bed last night, I asked her what she will be doing today. She told me and I told her my schedule. At this point she doesn't really care where I go. And yes, I always ask her what she wants when I go to a store. Even though she would say 'nothing', I would would get her something that I think she needs. So today we will be having dinner at home tonight.

Good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry about the way she's acting. She has alot of internal things to work out in her head.

While she does that, you keep reaching out to her like you are.

Are you cooking dinner tonight?


~ Marsh

Just eating leftovers... maybe get some fresh fruit and dessert.

Another incident happened last night that I think my wife is still attached to the OM. I found out that the OM was sick and when my wife came home last night she took some medicine (which I found out later) and stormed to the church right after work. And when she come home last night after small group, I asked her 'how was small group, tonight?' She looked not happy and just told me that many people couldn't come.

Is it a good time to change job at this moment? I have been with this company for only 4mos and my former boss has been calling me and asking me to go back. I want to know if it's ok to move back at this stage when I have such a big M issue.

Yes, e5, your WW is STILL attached to OM. She needs to have NC w/ him and go through W/drawals....

Did she see OM?

Where did she take the medicine? To the church or his home?

You're going to have to look for another church. As long as there's contact w/ him, she will continue to pine away for him.

~ Marsh

You're going to have to weigh the Pros and Cons.

~ Marsh

She took the medicine to church. At this stage, my wife will not go to another church. And the OM will still be here. As I have said before, there were no grounds to really do anything. Even at this point my wife still thinks it's me who has broken their 'friendship'

I know.

Her perception is off.

It's going to take time for her to change it.

Does she know you read her journal?

~ Marsh

No she doesn't know I am reading her journal.

My wife got very emotional just now. Since I know the OM is sick. She acutally made me to call him. I told her I will call later and then she ask me to call him now. So I did. And she got even more frustrated. She is now telling me that she is very very hurt because the OM will talk to him but not her after I spoke with him. She was screaming that I have casued her a lot of irreversible damage. Then she asked me whether I remember what we did during Thankgiving 01'. I guessed a couple of times but I really don;t have a clue. None of them was correct. She said it was a bonus for her to patch things up. She continued that she will have to patch things up regardless because of God but she are not sure if she will ever be able to feel or respond to me. I think some good things is happening but I can feel for her hurt...

I called her a couple times to give her more guesses. And I told her that I will be there to listen. She repsonded, what's good does it do now to listen? Then I told her I will be there to support her, regardless of what happened and told her to enjoy the love I am givng to her because of Christ. She will be coming home to dinner. Should I call her or should I wait until she comes back? Should I bring up the issue? What if she does? How should I react tonight?

Why did you agree to call OM?

You should NOT have called him.



No, she is very very pi$$ed that her A has been broken up.

Don't react to this nonsense.



Yes, I think so too. She knows she's going to have to work things out w/ you.



Forget it. Quit guessing. She's playing some weird WW game w/ you. Don't play it!

Drop the issue entirely. Just try to enjoy your meal and time together.

~ Marsh

Thanks Marsh for being there!

Sitting here at the dealership waiting for an oil change... can't stop thinking about my wife. My mind is so stick to her. I was thinking to call my sister but then I ended calling my wife. Good thing she did not answered but I think she will not answer the phone either way. I will see if she wants to bring up the issue. Don't think she will but I will leave it to God. I can only do so much, I will have to let God take care of the rest.

The reason why I call was because my wife made me. I told her I will call him later. But when we got home and stopped the car, she turned to me and asked me to call the OM at that moment. So I called... and there comes the conversation about her irreversible damage.

Ok, first of all your WW did NOT make you call the OM.

YOU CHOSE to call him.

Why did you choose to call him?

What were you hoping to accomplish by doing it?

What were you afraid would happen if you didn't?

I'm not trying to put you on the spot here, e5, I'm trying to get you to think about what you're doing and why you're doing it.

Today you're WW asked you to be her 'drug dealer', and you agreed to be.

Do you understand?


~ Marsh

Why are you calling the OM, e55? Do you think that is good for your marriage? Your marriage is not going to recover frm this if you don't stop acting inappropriately. Neither you or your W should have anything to do with the OM and you need to stop calling him.

My WH and I were members of a conservative Christian church for more than 20 years. We were both very active in various ministries.

After the affair started, my WH and OW went to our church together. I exposed to our ministers, and one of them tried calling my WH repeatedly. WH would not answer the calls. So our minister gave me a letter to give my WH. It stated very plainly that he was not welcome in church UNTIL he came in and talked to a minister. My WH never did, and quit going to our church.

Although some may think this was too strict, it was really important to me. Society, workmates, friends, neighbors, and even some family tended to look the other way. Our church stood up for our beliefs.