My wife just asked me whether she could use the house on 12/01/06 for her small group (the OM is in her group)because they are doing their covenant for the small group. She is going to decorate the house this Thankgiving. And she really wants to get it done. I know in her mind that she wants the OM to come to the house because he is going back home for vacation on 12/08/06. This is an excuse for her to invite him over.

I have been hosting small group at my home since Nov and how should I let her know that I need to use the house and not get her upset about it?

You have a huge problem on your hands and I don't think you are grasping this. You should not be calling the OM. The OM should not be in the same building as your wife...EVER. They should never ever be in contact again. The OM should never enter your home.

IF you need to get the pastor's involvement to effect this, then you need to do that. But if you don't stop ENABLING her affair, you are not going to have a marriage for long.

e55699, the fact that your church is young and does not have experience with these things as you say does not excuse the Pastor not getting involved. He is the leader and needs to handle situations like this. He can always get guidance from an older, more experienced, Pastor. If he cannot handle this, maybe he is in the wrong profession....
I agree with ML, you are setting yourself up for MAJOR trouble ahead.

You really need to start taking thi stuff more seriously and stop being such a wimp worrying about ticking off your WW. This MF should never speak to your WW again... and if he gets within 100 ft of your home you should rip both of them a new [censored].

You need to tell her that she cannot host the small group at your house because the person who is threatening to destroy your marriage is not welcome in your home. You need to stop worrying about angering your WW. You cannot move forward and save your marriage without angering her, because she has to go through withdrawal from the OM ... and that is inevitaly going to anger her!!! Your actions so far are only making you look more unattractive in your WW's eyes ... because she doesn't see you fighting for your marriage, she sees you being weak and a pushover, even to the point of *willingly* being cuckolded (she asks you to call her OM, you comply - what's next, you'll go pick him up and bring him to her?).

I'll have to join the others here E

Remember when you first posted I said the OM must not be in contact with your WW? well this is why & I think you can see by your actions that all it is doing is driving your ww away.

While OM is in the group NO you do not allow that to happen.


You must talk to your pastor now... adultery is a sin in thought and deed, and though it may be forgiven it cannot be encouraged by inaction...especially within a church and I dont care if its Catholic, Baptist, Wesley, Anglican whatever.
If the pastor will not even attempt to seriously prevent his inclusion in your wifes group you may need to expose to whole of the church and say you are leaving because of inaction on standing up for Christian values.

I understand this is not easy but the choice is yours .... OM in your life and no M or a M.

Why are you not in the same small group? Why are you letting your WW dictate contact? Please place some boundaries in your marriage and change churches! This is not a healthy environment.

E,

You are calling the OM because your wife "made" you? I think you need to call the police right now and have your wife arrested. I mean, after all...the only way your wife could have "made" you do this was she put a gun to your head. And domestic abuse should never be condoned!!

Okay...a little sarcasm there. But, hey...come on! That wasnt any more crazy than calling the OM because your wife wanted you to.

E, you need to buckle down here. I have said this over and over on this thread. YOU are the man! You are the husband. YOU will be held responsible by God for what you do here.

Your wife is under the attack and influence of Satan. And isntead of fighting Satan with everything at your disposal, you help the Devil by continuing contact for your wife with her "drug dealer."

E...you are helping to destroy her!

It is not unloving for a husband to stand up for honor, integrity, character. It is not unloving for a husband to protect his wife, his family, his marriage. It is not unloving to use all of the arsenal God has provided you to defend yoru family.

Buuuutttttttt......

It is unloving to not protect your wife. It is unloving to enable her. It is unloving to not lead her through word and by example. It is unloving to not do EVERYTHING within your power to rescue her. It is unloving not trust God and to not follow His commands in this.

We have been on you for awhile now to expose to the pastor and elders. And you have given us excuses. And now...the affair wants to even march its way into your home!!

You know...your pastor is also held accountable for what goes on in his church. And you are not even giving him the opportunity to tend to his sheep. How loving is that??

E, right now...right this minute...I want you to hear something. And it is this...

You are either gonna pull your head out and grab your "weapons" and fight for your wife...or,

You will be back here weeks or months from now, bemoaning to me and others that you should have listened, you should have taken charge!

E, God put you in charge in your family. I dont care if a wife comes in the room and says "I want you to call the OM..." If it is against God's will, then the true leader says "No, honey. I will not do that."

Your wife does NOT run that family...YOU do! Right now she is screwing up...but you are doing worse than her. God is going to hold her accountable for her actions. But if you dont get busy, He is going to hold YOU accountable for your actions AND hers!!

Jesus has made you promises. He said that if you follow Him, He will take care of the rest. But you wont listen to Him...you wont do what He says. Instead, you live in fear of your wife's anger and of the possibility she might leave.

E, fear is a sin!! Not trusting Jesus is a sin!

This isnt about your wife right now...it is about you!

e5, you CAN'T avoid getting her upset.

Heck, she already IS upset.

Nor should you live your life TRYING to avoid getting her upset.

I know you know this, b/c you demonstrated you understood this when you confronted OM.

But, you aren't finished doing what needs to be done.

I know that when you see her anger and listen to what she says, it makes you fear she'll leave you.

But, you can't let that fear stop you from doing what needs to be done.

You need to take the reins in this marriage or else your WW WILL steer it right off the cliff into the valley of DIVORCE.

It WILL happen.

Unless you learn the lessons you need to learn.

You need to face your fears.

Do you realize that you made a mistake when you called OM on your WW's behalf?

Let's start there.

Do you realize your mistake, now?

~ Marsh

Quote:

I told the Pastor already but what should he do? We are a young church. We have no experience in these issues.

Mortarman,
this came from one of his earlier posts. I am very surprised that any Pastor would let something like this slide. Does not bode well for the future of the church....

Here's the thing...

What if it really is a ONE-sided EA? What if the OM was just REALLY naive' and unaware that e5's WW was falling for him?

What should the pastor do?

If what e5 has been saying is true that it was ONE-sided, should he still insist on NC? Obviously he should not have called OM on behalf of his WW. Nor, should OM be allowed over their home. But, what about attending the same church? e5 believes she will not agree to leave the church. What should he do?

What do you think, NTL, what are the chances that this was only ONE-sided?


~ Marsh

I know. I remember! The issue is that E is going to be held responsible. If the pastor wotn do anything, then E must expose to the church as a whole.

He should first go in and see the pastor, and outline to him what Scripture says his responsibility is. The pastor knows this...but for some reason, isnt doing anything. Either the pastor doesnt know enough...or he knows, but is negligent in his job. And as Scripture says, we might as well throw a mill stone around his sheeps' necks and throw them in the river and drown them. Because that is what he is doing.

But no matter what...E is in command. He is responsible. He has avenues to take care of this.

If it is one sided, then the pastor will get to the bottom of it. And if true, he will tell OM and WW that they must stay away from each other. No matter whether one is involved or both are...this relationship is inappropriate!

Thank Marsh for bringing it up. And yes I really think it's a one sided EA. And the Pastor has act upon it and the OM has been maintaining distance from my wife besides seeing each other in church and small group.

But I do have a dilemma here. I really don't want my wife and her small group to come to the house. And I already told her that there is a chance she couldn't use the house. What do I do now? My small group has been using the house and she is requesting to use it because of a special occasion. I don't like the idea especially when the OM is there.

Ok, before I address your dilemma, will you please answer this question?

Do you realize that calling OM on your WW's behalf was a mistake?


~ Marsh

Send your pastor some of Dr. Harley's writings for reconciliation after an affair. Dr. Harley stresses the importance of NO CONTACT (not limited contact) for the best chance of reconciliation. Let your pastor no that you want NC between your wife and the OM. If you can't get that from your pastor, FIND ANOTHER CHURCH! If you wife is not okay with that, TOUGH [censored]. If she doesn't want to leave her church and the OM, tell her to find another place to stay. Is she in a financial position to take care of herself? If not, then she will likely have to listen to what you say. It's called TOUGH LOVE. You won't get anywhere by APPEASEMENT. You need to take charge. You may piss her off in the short run, but if you don't want her to continually pine over this guy, YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. She'll get over this guy if she doesn't see him again. BE A MAN! You should be more afraid of the OM than your wife's anger. Get your priorities straight.

- Jim

e5,

Everyone wants to help you. Look at how many people have replied to you. They all care about you and your marriage.

But, I/we need to know whether you are on the same page as us about the phone call. I/we don't want to beat you up about it, but I/we need to know that you know that making the call was a mistake.

Do you?

If you don't, then please tell me/us why I'm/we're wrong. I/we need to understand what you're thinking. I/we can't help you if you don't try to make me/us understand.

~ Marsh

I totally know that making the call was a mistake. That why I tried to shy away from calling at the first place.

Ok, good.

And you know it would be wrong to allow your WW to have OM over your home, right?


~ Marsh

So what is the dilemma? One of them will need to leave the small group in order to effect no contact. And the OM should never be in your house, of course.