Hi! I am new. I have been reading here for a while. Could you give me your opinion? I am 58, Husband 54. married 20, together 30, 3 children: 24, 22, 20
From 7.2001 to 10.2004 he had an affair. I discovered by chance afterwards, in 2005 April.
In 1977, he had a few days with a girl when traveling by himself.
In 1978: a one-night stand and again in 1980. 3 different people.
Then we had our children and I thought he had changed!
In Aug.2000 husband started working away from home, comes back for 3 days, goes for 4.
I was devastated, I still feel very upset, he has been very supportive and apologetic, says that he has learnt the lesson.

Hello,
I am sorry you have to be here.

We need to get some more information.

First, does he work with the other woman?

Is there a chance that you can start traveling with him? Overnight travel without the spouse is just asking for trouble.

Will he go to counseling with you?

Have you read surviving an affair?

Hang in there!

Thank you for the reply!!! No, he does not work with the other woman, he works in Germany, we live in France.

The OW had taken up accommodation in our home town, her husband and 6 young children live in a village 15 miles away.

She had left him and I really think she wanted a lover to make her husband jealous: My husband said she often phoned her husband while she was with him (mine).

As soon as she had my husband on the hook, she started playing that sort of game, mixed with "you are really helping me a lot, you give me confidence..."

To me she sounds like a narcissistic pervert.

We went to a MC for a while, she immediately asked "Who does the OW remind you of?
My husband was stunned "Why?"
MC said: "Because it sounds like you are talking about somebody else"
Husband: "My very first girlfriend who left me for another guy without a word after 2 years"

MC said he had repressed and just buried his grieving.

OW was 11 years younger than him and was the capricious type (like first girlfriend) according to husband. I am not like that at all.

He said what he appreciated most in me was my gentleness and my kindness and that he had taken advantage of it.

Mostly he has been very supportive, he has been apologetic, especially in the first year after DDay. Sometimes he gets fed up with me when I am depressed, but not for long. We alway make up and talk afterwards

My problem is , apart from still being very upset, but that is a lot better at times, is he going to do that again?

I am not worried about the OW, he is relieved, he feels stupid even to have had anything to do with her. It was finished before I found out.

But he cheated on me 3 times in the first 5 years, before we had children. He says "Why do you want to rake the past? It was 25 years ago!"

The other problem is I find the weekly separation difficult, especially now after what happened, I am so so disenchanted and I find difficult to trust him.

During these 3 and a half years when he was seeing OW on and off (sometimes did not see her for weeks) he was difficult with me, even very unkind and I could not understand why, stupid me, he would not look at me for weeks, would not kiss me, the first 6 months I suppose. He would pick a fight for no good reason.
A nightmare, I asked him several times if he had an OW he said no, I believed him! I was so naive!!!!

No I can't move to where he works. I have a job in our hometown.
Thank you for reading or replying.

I don't think the weekly separation is good. Your husband has proven that he does not do well away from you. Have you asked him what things he is going to change to keep this from happening again?

I still have another year to work after this one. I can't see any possibility of changing that work situation for another year and a half.
He says this affair poisoned his life so much that it has taught him a lesson, he says it is more like war memories than love. My interpretation:There was a power struggle going on, where he felt he was losing.
He said that at the time he wanted her "to pay for what she had done to him", so he was trying to get some mastery of the situation I suppose.
Strange! It does not make much sense to me and that was very frustrating for a long time.
We do not have that sort of relationship! It is more equal.
He does have his phone on all the time so that I can reach him. It is so sad when trust is broken, I feel robbed of something precious, we love each other very much but it is not the same when something like that has happened, some days I feel all the heartbreak coming back!

Any more comments about my situation? I would love to have your thoughts!

You know he strayed before. He says he will not stray again.

You want to trust him, but you wonder if you should.

Part of the problem (as alluded to by other posters above) is that you are not together all the time.

Your choices are:
1. Have him quit his job away, and stay home.
2. You quit your job, and move to where his work is.
3. Stay as you are, and chance another A taking place.

There are things you can do to reduce the chances of another A, but the best chance would be if you did # 1, or #2.

Being away from each other hasn't been good for your relationship in the past.

If you decide to leave things as they are - as far as location, you should follow the 4 rules for a successful marriage. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

I can't tell you what your chances are - the choices are there, and you will choose one of them. Not changing anything is choosing # 3.

All three choices involve change, and risk. Sometimes after an A, we want to make things better without any changes taking place. Often that is not possible.

SS

Another problem I have is that when he comes back on Thursday nights after his four days abroad, for me it is a renewed trauma, because of the separation in between, his arrival is like a trigger.
He comes through the door, I look at him and it gives me a shock, I think I love this man and he betrayed me in such a bad way.
At the time of the affair, I thought he was depressed, (and he was) so I did my best to be supportive, and now I know that he was having an affair!
I collapse and often sink into depression, cry all night some time, he is tired and would like a bit of peace and I am in a depressed state, very, very upset, even after a year and a half. At the end of the weekend we have come closer but it is time for him to go back.
The fact that his affair dragged on for 3 and a half years makes it very bad for me, I find very difficult to understand how he could bear the lie for so long.

Many men tend to compartmentalize their lives, so maybe he didn't find it all that difficult.

You might consider seeing your doc and taking anti-D's to help you deal with all of this.

He told me it poisoned his life and made him lose his dignity.
He also said when I first learnt about it, that it was a big, big weight off his chest.
I see my doc from time to time, has not given me anti-Ds.

Do you think it is difficult to heal properly when you do not understand exactly what happened and when what is said is confusing? My husband tries to explain when I ask but sometimes the answer is completely different from what he said previously! That really throws me! If he tells the truth how can it be contradictory a few months later? It is often the case and it adds to my confusion, I am trying to make a little bit of sense out of all this.
What I did recently is write what is in my mind and I said I would like us to read it together and he would write how he sees it.

Lorraine555
I think it's impossible to heal without the truth. I'm in recovery and i ask questions that i've asked before months ago just to hear it again. I'm looking for lies. If is find them we will be seperating again. I know if someone will lie they will cheat, he taught me that. M is supposed to be 2 people who love each other enought to be honest.
I really think being apart will make it too hard.As my sister told me when i let my H come home,"You haven't been kicked in the head enough." Well, i didn't like it then, but i see what she means. We set ourselves up to go thru it again by taking them back, forgiving. Why shouldn't we change whatever needs changing to make it really work. If it doesn't work and we've done all we can, then we divorce with no regret. Except the time we wasted on them.??
The choices of change.