Thanks in advance for reading this very long, story- recently found out that my life and my husband were not as I thought...
Here goes.. recently had a baby..had a rough pregnancy in the sense that it was my first and to say I was nervous and scared ALL of the time would be an understatement. Looking back, I realize how wrapped up I was in being worried all the time, that I really didnt pay attention to the world around me.
I love my husband dearly he has always been a perfect combination of sensitive, sweet, caring and also a guy's guy if that makes any sense. We have definitely shared our ups and downs and have certainly taken eachother for granted bc we have been together for a while and would often forget to tell eachother things that make eachother feel good.
Well, 8 weeks ago- I just had a weird feeling- no clue why! Found a "secret" email acct which really wasnt that secret bc he used the same password that we use for everything, there was one email in there, dated back 6 months (when I was pregnant) it was to a woman I had no clue of, and it basically stated that he didnt know what they had, never intended this to happen and has only felt that way about me and now her. He also stated that what they have is not based on physical attraction, but said that of course, that is there. Well of course- I was crushed and confronted him. I was ready to leave. Heard him out, he told me that he felt lower than low at the time, felt that I neglected him, I didnt appreciate anything that he did and that I was the lowest on his priority list. Says he tried to talk to me about this when I was preg. but I didnt really listen, looking back I do semi remember this conversation, He told me that they me, she listened to him about his fears about becoming a dad, about how he was feeling in our relationship etc etc.
He said that they were friends and he was so excited that someone listened that he sent her that email but quickly realized he didnt feel that way and they discussed that. He said that they were friends from then on but described it as an inappropriate friendship as they would occassionally email outside of work (to talk) and would refer to eachother using terms of enderament. He said that he felt as they basically used eachother as they were both in the same places in their marriages- where they didnt feel loved or cared for, so they built eachother up- filled a void.
So- I didnt like it, but I believed it. We have been struggling for the past 8 weeks, bc it still hurt to know I had no clue about this and that he felt this way and that he shared his emotions with another woman- to me it was an emotional affair. Throughout this time, my husband told me that this was the biggest mistake in his life, he realizes now that I do really love and care for him and that he knows that he has to try and talk to me when he feels like this. Things have been great but awful at the same time. Great in the sense that we had a newfound appreciation for eachother but awful bc I was left with a feeling that there was something ,maybe I wasnt being told and it just hurt to think of him being comfortable like this with someone other than me.
So- having that unsettled feeling (I just cant deal with being out of control and feeling like this) I kept digging for something else. searched our computers, searched for everything until one day- I got access to his other email. Kept checking and could see that he wasnt talking to her and did end the friendship when he told me he did (after I found the email)
One day I finally told him I had access and knew that in a few days he would change his password so I logged back in one last time- found this folder called conflicts- i am assuming he had no clue it was there , as I didnt even notice it the times I had logged in before.. well lo and behold there was a whole slew of emails, mostly intiated by her. All were dated prior to me finding this email, actually they stopped almost two months before I found the mail.
Well- I am sure that all of the emails werent there, but there were enough to get a sense for what was going on. They started out as I appreciate you listening to me, I feel like we are both going thru similar things, progessed to flirty type of emails, then they were expressing that they had feelings for eachother but that there spouses had their hearts it was just that they felt connected bc of their similar circumstances and that they each made the other one feel appreciated and cared for, they also talked about long lunches together, emailing all day, and sometimes on wknds. They also showed a struggle where they talked about why they couldnt just be "normal friends" that they wanted it to be physical but couldnt bc of respect for their families etc. It went on and on like this- they would talk about the physical tension and how they felt about eachtoher, they talked about how they kissed once, and that later about how that could never happen again etc etc etc
well of course I lost it and told him we were through. He was devastated told me that he didnt tell me the truth intitally bc, it was over, it meant nothing, and he didnt want me to hurt anymore he just wanted us to start over and this was his burden to bear. He realized it was the worst thing he had ever done and that he has grown and learned from it, I am and will always be the only one for him.
This is where my question is- he tells me that he basically used her.
He said that he didnt have feelings for her for other than a friend
as she helped him thru a tough time, gave him advice and always encoruaged him to talk to me and to work things out. He said that he didnt have feelings for her in a physical sense or in a emotional sense. He said that he felt that he had to say those things to keep the situation going as it boosted his ego to hear those things from her and he was afraid if he stopped so would she.
Am I an idiot for beleiving this- it just sounds so cliche that "She meant nothing, I wasnt really attracted to her in any sense, I only wanted you"
He said things to her that he hadnt said to me in a long time..and it really hurt to read those. When I told him this, he said his emotions were misguided, he wanted to say those things to me but that I didnt reciprocate.. with her he knew he would hear them back.
I just dont think I want to stay with him if he really had feelings like what I think he did (physically and emotionally) for another woman.
Is it possible that he didnt feel anything for her? I do believe that nothing happened physically other than two kisses and her holding his hand in the car. (still makes me sick) Also, not sure if its important to mention or not
but my husband did not initiate the first kiss or the hand holding, he did kiss her the second time when they were at a happy hour and they had too much to drink. Not excusing him at all as he did kiss her back but.. who knows, guess
I am just trying to find excuses to make me feel better about all of this uggg!
Help so lost and confused
