This is a great site and I can see it being very helpful.

I recently found out that my husband had an affair with an old high school girlfriend. I was looking for pictures to make a DVD for my parents 70th and 71st surprise birthday party I am giving over Thanksgiving weekend and opened a folder with his pictures in it and discovered a picture of his sitting in a chair with his hands over his head with handcuffs on (fully clothed). At first I really thought it was just a joke photo a friend had taken (because I really thought he would never cheat on me, but after closer examination I realized I had no idea where it was taken. I didn't recognize the chair he was sitting in or the curtains behind him. So I stared at it for a while and then decided to confront him about it.

Now a little more info that is important. We have been married 18 years in May. We have 3 boys, 16, 14, and 11. We have been separated since March of this year because he quit his job here were we live and moved to St. Louis for another job, but then when he got there he realized that job was worse than the one he had here and didn't want us to move there because he did not want to keep that job and immediately started looking for another one. So as you can see our lives have been in a state of chaos for some time.

So I confronted him about it last Thursday and he admitted to having an affair, but would only give me answers to specific questions that I would come up with. It was very painful and I don't know how I can every trust him again. It happened on a trip he made to Florida back in Sept of 2005 and then she also came to visit him once in St. Louis around Memorial Day. He claims it is definitely over and he knows that they are truly not compatible, and he truly wants to work things out.

We are going for counseling, but with our present situation of being separated already it will be very difficult to work on this. My question is what should I do next?

Any help you could all give me would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry for your situation and that you are going through this h3ll. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

How did this confrontation go down? In person? On the phone?

Your recovery is probably going to be much more difficult if you are physically separated.

He should write a letter of No Contact to her, you should see and approve and mail the letter yourself. There is plenty of guidance on this site as to the contents of the letter.

I suspect that his delay in moving you to St. Louis was only partially because of his job. It sounds like he was enjoying his "freedom" and didn't want it to end. His statement that it is over and he knows he and OW are "truly not compatible" is not very comforting. It should be over because he loves you and your marriage, not because things didn't work out with the OW.

Why can't he move back to where you are and get a job? Is the job market in St. Louis that much better? The physical separation will only hamper your ability to rebuild trust in him and his committment to your marriage.

He should bite the bullet, move home with his family and get a job where you live (or two jobs if necessary) and focus on your marriage. That is my opinion.

I wish you well and encourage you to keep posting and reading all of the material on this site. Read up on Plan A and B and get "Surviving an Affair".

Blessings

Thank you so much for your post. Your help is very much appreciated.

Just a little more background that may help. My husband had too many problems getting along with everyone he worked with at his job here and tried to transfer to another dept., but had no success with that and started looking elsewhere. The job in St. Louis was quite a promotion, but shortly after getting there he says he realized he wasn't manager material and the company was very "stonage-like". He couldn't even believe they could manage to stay in business and he really didn't want to stay there. He wanted out as soon as possible. We had the house on the market and had our first offer we were negotiating when he informed me he didn't want us to move out there. I must admit I was never on board about this move (especially our middle son was adament about not wanting to move there at first, but I had worked for months in getting him to come around and then he sprung this on us.

He moved to St. Louis in March and informed us in May that we weren't moving there.

I found out in September, 2006 that he had been using Match.com since before he went to St. Louis. That brought us to counseling. He claimed he never did anything but talk to girls on line, but nothing actually happened. He also was on an alt.com site that was very "porn-like" which he also responded with people, but he swore to me that there was nothing more than correspondence. He worked with me to cancal the memberships and swore he deleted everything regarding this. He gave me his passwork to his email and deleted the email associated with these sites. Of course I have no idea if he has started this up again now.

Then last Thursday night I found out the picture (very innocently) that he truly was having an affair. Which by the way started back in Sept. 2005. Way before he moved to St. Louis. I also found out that she came to St. Louis once in May 2006 and that is when they decided it wasn't going to work out. They weren't compatible even though the sex was good and she realized he would never leave me.

He claims he did this because she was going through a divorce and he wanted to be there for her.

I also found last Friday morning a profile that he used for his match and alt.com sites that he had forgotten to delete from our Word program in which he bragged about the affair stating that he had hooked up with an old high school girlfriend and in one night had "had 5 1/2 orgasms and she had 6, not bad for an old man, huh?"

He claims he had this affair because he was going through a mid-life crisis and just wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side.

He has actually gotten a new job that will start Nov. 30th at a new company in WV. The family was on board about this up until I found all this out last week. Now I don't know what to do? This long distance thing has been very hard on the family and now I just don't see how we will reconcile.

I have recently started working full time for the first time in 16 years. So I have been going through quite a bit with being a single parent and adjusting to working.

We did tell the boys over the weekend when my husband was here that were are having problems and we don't know what is going to happen, but that we love them all very much and it has nothing to do with them.

We had to tell them because we had planned for a nice romantic weekend in WV on the new company bill so we could look around the area at housing and such.

After my husband left I sat down with the two older boys and asked them if they had any questions. The oldest one said "what happened?" I said that their dad he hurt me. He asked what did he do? And my middle son said "Can't you figure it out". My oldest one was like "well I can guess". I couldn't actually tell him, but I said it is probably what you think and I said tell me what you are thinking. He said "Did he cheat on you?" And all I could do is start crying. I again said that we both love them and it is between their Dad and I.

I really appreciate any other thoughts you might have about my situation.

I am going to a counselor tonight, but I don't know if I hold a lot of hope with him because when I went to him about the marriage.com stuff he was helpful at first (when I was in true crisis), but the next time I went and didn't have as much crisis he said in the middle of the session that if we didn't need to use the whole hour that was fine.

We saw him together this past Friday and he helped me to communicate what I was feeling to my husband (by being the mediator). Then my husband went back and talked to him on Saturday and I am going be myself tonight.

I don't even know what to talk about with him (the counselor???

Please let me know what you think from all this new info?????

It certainly sounds like a mid-life crisis sort of thing to me. I don't think it is a good idea for him to be working so far away.

Has he always had problems at work?

If you haven't read this yet, then read this --> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3118057

Your husband's decisions and infidelities are NOT your fault.

I agree with believer, it sounds like a mid-life crisis. But that in no way excuses or remedies the hurt and damage he has introduced to your marriage.

I'm assuming that West Virginia is not close enough for him to commute?

The physical separation is going to make it extremely tough on your recovery efforts. Given the stress you are under from dealing with this, the added stress of a move would be extremely hard. It would also add to the stress that your children are under with what they know (especially moving in the middle of a school year).

Are there NO JOBS where you live now? Maybe not with his same company, but something else? In my opinion (and it's only my opinion), he needs to move back with you and your children, get a job there (or two jobs if necessary to make ends meet) and work on recovering your marriage. He needs to "cowboy up" to what he has done and do the right thing.

Since you are also working, maybe the financial impact of him returning home won't be so bad -- especially since you'll only be making one housing payment.

He really should consider this.


It's not unusual for you to be in such shock and confusion that you don't know what to discuss with a counselor or your husband. There are so many things to discuss that it can overwhelm you. Be patient. Take your time. A good counselor will help you work through all of this.

You and your children are feeling the pain and loss of betrayal. Your husband needs to realize he not only betrayed you, but also your children -- especially with jerking them around about moving.

It will be very difficult for you both if recovery is happening while you are physically separated.

Keep posting and reading all the information on this site. Ask your husband to read "Surviving an Affair" and/or "Not Just Friends" to start and then focus on some of the marriage building books.

God Bless You.

I went to a counselor tonight. It all seems a bit strange. He feels I am being very strong and seems to be doing all the right things. But deep down there is screaming going on and I really don't know what I want. The counselor says I should confront him as to why he did it, whether he really feels I can satisfy him sexually and is it worth it to him to work it out.

My husband has already accepted this job in WV and I think financially it is the best job he can get. There are really no other jobs in our immediate area. He will only have to drive half the time he has been driving. He is presently 7 hrs. away when he starts the job in WV he will only be 3 1/2 hrs. At least that will be doable after work on a Friday.

I don't think we could make ends meet if he stayed here and tried to find a job. Plus I really don't want him sitting here at home all day looking for work on line because I know he would be doing other things instead on line if you know what I mean.

I know this is going to be very difficult to mend our marriage at such a distance. It is especially hard because so far I don't even feel like talking to him. I mean at least if he was here we would have to see each other at times.

We are going away for Thanksgiving. We celebrate Christmas with our relative back in NY which is a 6 hr drive from our house. So he will have to drive 7 hrs. to here and then another 6 hrs. to NY. I am not sure how I am going to handle being in the car with him for 6 hrs. What will we talk about. the kids will be in the car too.

I am so mad at him for ruining the family we had.

How do you get over the pain???????

I am feeling sad for you right now, rjhljh3.

Sad not because there is no hope -- THERE IS HOPE.

I'm feeling sad for you because I know what it's like to be at the bottom of the mountain you must climb and to look up at what seems like an insurmountable obstacle and know you MUST climb it. It can be depressing, discouraging and, at times, debilitating.

THERE IS HOPE.

Some couples on here have come back from situations that would probably make your hair stand on end. I have found hope in such stories.

Getting over the pain takes time and patience. I hope you read the link I gave you about it not being your fault. It's true. It's also easy to forget it at night when you are in tears about the hole this person you trusted blasted in your heart. You won't "get over it" over night or a couple of months. Healing from this kind of betrayal takes time. You need to give yourself this time. There are several threads on these boards about timelines and the emotions you will go through. It really is a grieving process and you'll experience much the same feelings as someone who has lost a person close to them.

For myself, my wife has had 2 physical and 1 emotional affair over the past 5-6 years and we are in recovery. Everything isn't roses all the time, but it is getting better.

You must start looking to your own sanity and health. I'm sure as a "single mom" it's hard to find time for yourself, but you need to keep your own emotional state under control. It's hard, I know. Getting enough sleep is important although difficult some nights.

Are you familiar with the "Plan A" material as outlined on this site? Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Other books I would recommend are "Not Just Friends" and "Torn Assunder". I think your husband should read these as well if he wants to show you some committment to your marriage.

I'm guessing you'll have to squeeze a lot of "Plan A" into the weekends.

If there really is no way for your husband to get a job closer so he can commute from your home then this will present the biggest hurdle. I suggest you start a post under "General Questions II" regarding the issue of your physical separation and "Plan A". There is a lot of traffic on that forum and plenty of the "experts" (I'm not qualified for such a title) will be able to help you much better than I can.

I can encourage you to be strong. Your boys need your help as well. They will have their own issues to wrestle with when it comes to interacting with their dad.


If your counselor isn't all that helpful, don't be afraid to try another. There is also phone counseling available from the Harleys. There's a link on this site.

In my opinion, I wouldn't worry so much if you can satisfy your husband sexually. There is an excitement and energy in affair sex that is hard to capture in a committed, loving marriage. Sounds strange, I know, but the illicit and forbidden nature of affair sex makes it different. You, however, can give your husband more sexually because your love comes out of committment and acceptance and enduring love -- not an affair. My concern, and I'm not a counselor or any kind of expert, is that while you husband is in the "fog" of withdrawal (assuming he isn't continuing the affair lifestyle) he will have trouble seeing the higher value of sex in a committed marriage than in an affair or one-night-stand.

You can be strong. You can fight for your marriage. You can show your sons a model of a strong woman who will do what is right.

God bless you.