Hi! I'm posting from Italy and would like to share my story so to get some advise from those who have lived/are living same experience.
I am my H's 2nd wife. He has two grown up children from first M, and two (14 & 5) with me. I found out my H's A past july when got in possession of his cell. I had doubts..that's why I snooped....He didn't tell his friend I found out until a few days later, but at that point he promised me he had broke the A. We left for our holiday and I realised he was still in contact with her. he left a week earlier than me & kids telling me he had to work but was with her. When I got back from holiday he was ready to start all over again but could't make it. For a month now he is seeing her again. I asked him to leave the house and he says he's willing to beacuse what he actually wants is to be alone. He wants to see her but does not want to "live" with her.
What I am doing now is just leaving him alone letting him sort his A out. I'm a distant watcher but gee, how it hurts to see him leave in the evening knowing exactly where he's going. I'm not pleading or begging him; I know his mind is foggy and no reasonable conversation can be made.
I want him to leave so maybe being far away from us he can realise what he will miss, but on the other hand I want him to stay and just break up his A.
Need some straight forward advise.
thanks. vera

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be, under the circumstances.

Read all about Plan A. That is the starting place. It includes showing him what a great wife you can be. It also includes exposing the affair to anyone who would have influence on your husband. Is the other woman married?

Thank you!
No, the other woman is not married and nearly 10 years younger than H. He's 41. The problem is that he wants to go to live by himself and I'm scared that he won't ever come back. I know he will realise sooner or later what a great team we are together, but now he just can't seem to think "straight". I was trying with plan A, but it doesn't seem to work out. He is actually regularly seeing his friend and just won't let me in. He's also currently sleeping on the couch. Should I just let him work things out and stand and watch or actually make him leave?

Hello again,
I haven't posted in ages but have been reading tons. Things have moved on since november and in spite of plan A, which obviously didn't work out, WH moved out. He got his own appartment and as for now, isn't living with OW, even if he speaking about it. We still haven't legally separated as he's having financial problems. His mind is foggy beyond reason and still doesn't realise what harm he's doing to us. Our children see him once within week days and one other w/e. But really he's behaving as a great friend rather than a good father. I have tried to plan B him but maybe I'm not ready yet to move on with my life as I still desparately need him. He would want to see the kids along with OW as he says that sooner or later that will have to happen as this is no "adventure" but found soulmate...yeah I know...babble talk....but I'm not able to reverse talk to him. For his birthday he took her to our hometown and introduced her to all our old friends, whom very slwly are being cut out ftom his life as maybe they are not confrtable with the new sitch. I have read millions of posts and even if different, patterns are the same. Obviously mine too, even if it seems that I will never be able to work it out and get my real H back.
Pls can anyone come by and give me some precious advise?
Also for me is impossible to talk to SH as I'm posting from italy. I will try though to get his books as soon as a friend will fly over to US

Did you expose the affair?

OW's parents might be surprised to find out that the "nice man" she's dating is still married with young children at home, and that his wife very much wants to recover the marriage. They might not look at him as such a great catch if they knew the truth.

Did you tell the grown children?

What are your H's top ENs?

What changes have you made in your life to attract him back?

Thanks for yr quick reply. i have exposed the affair to everyone I know. Unfortunately we have moved to this new place only a couple of years ago therefore I do not know anybody who could help me track down her parents.

As far as my children are concerned they both know. I have talked to them explaining them the situation. The older ones straight forward as it is, the 5 y.o. as if his dad has to deal with a major problem we must help him deal with.
My WH is talking to my older son about moving with OW, that is really unconsiderate of him and very selfish.

It is really hard to make myself look as somebody to want to live with since he is rewriting our history and being at times aggressive with me.
In the past two wks though, i have let him in the house again, trying to always be "good looking" and understanding when he talks.
The other problem is that he is complaining financial problems so he is not helping me with the kids at all, but on the other hand still goes away for w/e with O/W.

Sometimes I text message him and don't even get a reply, unless I remind him to....

Don't know what to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

What he says (rewriting history) has no bearing on whether or not you're had a shower, fixed your hair, cleaned the house, gotten involved in a sport, etc. Remember that. Don't let his rewriting put a damper on your efforts. His version is not real.

Maybe you should see a lawyer and get him to pay child support. I don't know if that's possible. I don't know what your options are here, maybe someone with more knowledge about this will weigh in. If it's a problem, though, take care of it.

What are your WH's top EN's?

What are you doing to attract him back?

His EN's are mainly to be taken care of as if he was a beautiful child, he would want me to share his passion for motobikes but I' so scared. All of these I had tied before he left our house, but obviously he wouldn't let me.

As far as the changes in my life...well, I don't know how to...I' so busy looking after the children, my job...how can I restart a good plan A when he sees drifting away...

Tonight kids were supposed to go to his house for dinner. He cae to pick the up, but after an hour he had to take the little one back home as he wanted to stay with his mama.

Will these behaviour from his child make him think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />