My wife has threatened to file papers today. She printed them up last night and has stated she will take the time off work to file at the county court house.

The catalyst to this was an issue where she wanted to do significant upgrades to our home that would have put us in an "unfavorable" financial situation. I decided to hide my own feelings about it and basically patronize her and lead her to believe I was on board with doing the renovations. That was until she prodded and yanked my true feelings out.

She now feels that I disrespected her by "leading her on" and that I've hurt her "more than ever before." And to top it off, I really botched my approach in apologizing about the situation.


We've been married for 5 years, and together for over 10 years. We actually began dating when she was 16, and actually stuck together, got married and had kids...in that order.

In the past(and probably today to some degree) I looked down on her because she was a bit younger than me, I am 9 years older than her. I hurt her quite a bit over the years with hurtful judgements and criticisms. Now that she's older I feel she harbors some resentment becuase of this. I also feel I may be stuck in a rut and may still not view her as my equal.

I love her more than anything. I love my family God has blessed us with. I hate to think my children may grow up in a broken home.

Any words of wisdom, criticism or advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank You.

Insyder...

I briefly skimmed a few of your old posts...I DO STRONGLY SUSPECT AN AFFAIR, and I myself am a FWW...In these situations, there is almost always a "straw that broke the camel's back" that is used as a smoke screen to throw you off the trail...Her anger and threatening to file divorce is disproportionate to the actual situation at hand...

I believe you need to "spy" to see what is REALLY going on here...Put a keylogger on her computer...Check her cell phone...Put a voice activated digital recorder in her car...Seriously, you must INSPECT what you EXPECT...

I would love to be wrong here, but I fear that I am not...What do you think?

Mrs. W

Yep. Buy the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders." Look on this web site for articles on The Policy of Joint Agreement.

Here is the situation from your wife's point of view:

She married a man who doesn't care about her, who doesn't consider her feelings, who says what she wants to hear to get her off his back and then goes and does what he feels like doing.

Her response was to have something which she sees as absolutely necessary to her happiness as a test of your care, and you failed by not agreeing to do something which you viewed as negative for her.

The solution to conflict in marriage, according to Harley, is the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

My heart goes out to a guy who is willing to say "I may be stuck in a rut and may still not view her as my equal."

You don't have to change your feelings. Change your behavior, and your feelings will follow. If you follow the POJA, you will treat her as an equal and eventually come to view her as an equal.

Respectful

Thanks for responding Mrs. W.

I can pretty much bet my life that there is no affair. I am able to montior all online activity and there is no evidence. I can also monitor cell phone usage and there is no evidence.

Also, she only works 4 days a week and is with our children the remainder of the time and I work close to home. The only significant time we are apart is 3 days a week where we are both at work while the kids are at day care.

Sometimes, I feel that the lack of "breathing room" is a problem for us. Kind of like being "sick" of being around a person no matter who it is.


If I search deep in my heart, I think alot of our issues are rooted in the age difference combined with our actual ages and maturity levels.

I know that some of the choices I have made have been immature. But I also know that feeling "disrespected" by your spouse lying to you in efforts to not hurt your feeling may lack maturity in some circles as well.

It seems that over time that even the littlest of things make her feel as if I have disrespected her.


I also know that I harbor some resentment as the business she is in is not very profitable. She is self employed in the beauty industry and makes enough money to put the kids in day care. Meanwhile, I work my [censored] off to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. Yet, I'm labeled as an "idiot" or "not a man."

It hurts. Because I hold my tongue when I really feel like saying, "If you want to work, get a real job so that we don't have to struggle propping up a failing business!"

I hold my tongue. I hold my tongue because I do respect her. I honor her. I love her.

But she doesn't see all of this...because I hold my tongue.

I would have said the same - prior to D-Day. My FWW worked 5 days a week, and I dropped her to and from work. She still managed to carry on an A with a coworker for 2 years.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

WOW!

I am literally amazed by you folks that are so much more in tune with what it takes to have some success.

This quote describes my situation to a tee. Most of the time I "feel" as though I'm either apologizing, "making it up to her", or otherwise working to end some sort of "flare up."

It becomes quite tiring.

I can't remember "good times" anymore. Only times where I'm working to fix something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />




I do blame myself for laziness in this. I have the His Needs Her Needs books. I read through about half of it and started working on my behavior. Then things started getting good, so I started slacking off. Then I never returned to the principles of the system.

So here I am again. Trying to "put out a fire."

I'm well aware that I can't educate her, change her mind or otherwise "influence" her. I have to change myself and make myself into someone she WANTS to be with and love again.

She should get a dozen roses at her office before quitting time today, and she at least is speaking to me on the phone. The lines of communication are still open. However, she keeps saying that she has nothing left in her to keep this relationship going.

Don't dwell on yesterday's fight. If there is one thing I learned from the Marriage Builders weekend, it is the utter pointlessness of fighting.

Instead, follow up those roses with an invitation to do something together that both of you would enjoy. Date her.

Ask her a lot of things. Is there anything that bothers you about what I am doing? Is there anything you want? Maker sure that you reach agreement to change your behavior in a way that works for you as well, or you won't keep it up. That can be the lesson from the remodel.

I wish my husband had your attitude. It is golden. You want to change yourself to be someone she wants to be with and love again. Focus on that. Don't agree to do anything short-term that is negative for you. Focus on what you can change that is positive for both of you.

Respectful

I do want to make those changes. But we've been through this many times before. And she's tired of it.

I express the desire to improve/change, but often fail to follow up and execute. I regress back into old ways, old habits. It's exemplified by things like not completing reading of the His Needs Her Needs book and not meeting some of her basic EN. I end up only pushing an effort at "crunch time" which is times like now.

She is right, and I agree.


However, I really feel alone in this in some ways. Am I really that bad of a guy? Isn't there some things that she should be working on improving herself? Is she in love with me or what she wants me to be?

Admit to her what you just admitted to us. Then ask what changes would be most important to her for you to make and agree on what the change specifically should be.

Work on maybe three changes until they are a habit. That shows her progress. Since she's the one headed out the door, focus on problem areas for her -- but the solution needs to be good for both of you.

Here's an example from my life. My husband complained about my going on the computer first thing in the morning. He thought it slowed me down. I said it didn't because I only went on for the five minutes that I was running bath water. He didn't buy that. He thought that I would go faster if I didn't go on the computer. I may have disagreed with his reasoning but was it essential to my happiness to go on the computer first thing in the morning? No. What would I do with the five minutes that I have while the bath water is running? Well, I chose to put in a load of laundry (has not effect on my getting ready in the morning) and floss my teeth (has an effect, since I was flossing my teeth after eating breakfast).

If I lived alone, what would be my preference? Go on the computer. I think his reasoning is invalid, but I respect that he sees things differently and I could find something to do for five minutes while bath water is running.

A marriage of care is full of these decisions. Try and change everything at once, and you fail. She doesn't need perfection. She doesn't need an overhaul. She needs hope. She needs to see that you change habits for the long haul, and you'll only do that if you create a new habit to replace the old one. Had I sat in the bathroom for five minutes waiting for bath water to run, I would have sooner or later sneaked back to the computer. Instead, I created a new habit, and I rather like getting a load of wash through the washing machine and into the dryer right away in the morning.

Respectful

Complacency is my enemy. I know that I only work to make a "patch" and not truly "fix the problem." My laziness in consistency is hurting my progress.


One of her MAJOR problems with me is eye contact. When she is talking(read: scolding) to me, I more often than not tend to drift my eyes away from her. Generally at the ground or some other submissive position. She is generally standing while yelling at me, while I sit in a chair.

I know that I drift my eyes out of guilt and shame. I feel like a child being scolded by my mother during these "talks."

This is one small thing that I have made a concerted effort to change. I make it a point within myself to look her in the eye when we are fighting. I've felt quite proud of it and felt it has been a REAL change.

However, in this latest arguement the intensity was so great, that I folded and drifted my eyes away in shame.

To paraphrase her, "After all these years, you still can't look me in the ****** eyes when I'm talking to you!"

In such an angry environment I not only decided not to try and argue this, but not even bring up the improvements I fel I have made.

She instead says I am "making no progress."


UGH. The only positive thing I can say is that she is still talking to me and has called me several times today. Open line of communication, check. No time to go file the papers at the court house, check.

How does she know that you are making no progress?

How about agreeing on some goals that both of you would know you have reached? I can just see her catching you blinking your eges and saying you aren't looking her in the eye...

How about this... Look for something you can do differently that is measurable. Example: one night out an average of once per week for at least one hour.

If you miss a week, then two times the next week.

I doubt she wants to divorce you. She just erupted in exasperation.

Propose something you can do -- or have her propose something you can do -- that you both will know you have done if you do it and that you both can view as positive.

Respectful

PS. The best response to anger is silence.

Insyder...

Let me make sure I am correct.

You began dating when she was 16. You are 9 years older than her.

Are you telling me that you as a 25 year old MAN dated a 16 CHILD?