I've been dating for about a year, and this man is wonderful: kind, caring, generous. My only issue is being bothered by movies he sees once a week with a friend. I worry about the male tendency to look at women and get turned on...we're talking pg-13, a few R, not "adult" movies.

I know that there are trust issues, and things are better. We've already established the "don't stare at other women" thing, and he's very careful not to do that, even unintentionally. I just want his sexual interest to be for me, not wasted on images or strangers walking by.

So, how do we do the POJA in this case? The movies bother me, and I wish he'd do something else with his friend each week...he doesn't pick the movies, he lets the friend do that and they are normal movies, like I said. They don't go out of their way to see titillating ones, but he's never refused to see anything his friend picks.

He says he'll quit doing movies since it bothers me.

My question is: I know it bothers him that I am asking this of him, but he's willing to give it up. But that's not really the POJA. We should both be enthusiastic about the decision, not just me. I don't want to gain at his expense and kill our love over time.

How do we do that?

If I lose love units when he goes to the movies, but he could lose love units if he doesn't go, then what's the answer?

Makes sense to me.

Maybe he could pick out the movie that he and his friend go to see. And you need to find something that he genuinely likes for you to do to show your gratitude for his decision.

As you correctly observe, this is all going one way, and he isn't getting anything out of this change. Figure out what you can do to address this.

Regards,
rs0522

The key to POJA is negotiation. Start from your two end points:

1. What would it take for your to be enthusiastic about him seeing these movies?

2. What would it take for him to be enthusiastic about not seeing them any more?

Now, take the answers to those two questions and try to find some creative answer that you can both be enthusiastic about.

Men need some bonding time. They like getting together. Some play golf,some play tennis, and other,like your boyfriend, like to watch movies. Personally, I feel that once a week movie watching with a friend, that involves only PG-13 or R movies is NOTHING.

(I am assuming here that he is not a GAWKER and being disprespectful so blatantly...)

Why are you insecure about this? Do you think that he is going to desire Halle Berry, or whoever is on the big screen? If he does think she's pretty......IT IS NOT REAL!! She is just on a screen; he can't have her!! but, YOU ARE REAL! And, he is with you!!!!!!!!

What about when he walks down the street? Or watches TV? And there's a pretty woman? He may think she's pretty,but HE IS WITH YOU!!!!!

I used to have a jealous boyfriend.....one day when we came to the calendar kiosk in the mall, the "guys" calendars happened to be in fron, and I just saw, and walked by,....Boy, did he get all jealous and upset.IT was all about him. His insecurities. yu said you are working on yours, that is good.

Keep in mind, he could feel the same way when you go to movies,or watch TV, or walk down the street, and a nice looking guy comes into view!!!!!! But, he doesn't!! But, in reality, you have the right to see a nice looking guy and think to yourself, "he is hot!!", and just acknowledge that observation and you will move on. You are not being disloyal if you think someone else is attractive. Neither is he. If it's just a thought or observation.....it's just that!!!!!!

I couldn't agree more.

However, in my case my wife not only gets to pick the movie, or have final say, but also what we watch on TV, as well. She had a fit when we saw, "Syriana," together, and "Crash." "Crash" literally was. We fought the first time over it because of some of the content, then again when we watched it with my parents. That second episode haunts us to this day, and almost caused a divorce.

My wife is EXTREMELY jealous. She tears the covers off her women's magazines so that I cannot see them, changes the channel during commercials that feature women. Bizarre.

I don't leer, stare, gawk, etc. I used to be friendly, say, Hi, smile at people. Now, after all the berating, I just bow my head or look away. Even then, it isnt enough sometimes; if the other person looks my way, she wants to know why they would, who is that person, etc. It is emotionally draining.

Decentman...maybe you two should only watch Disney movies together!?!?!? HA HA (Sorry, I know it's not funny!)

In my case, I was only opposed to the guns and violence movies...you know, Schwarzenegger movies, war movies and the like.....I seriously had ill feelings and those of discomfort with all that "action". My husband felt the same with "Poltergeist" movies. All was well, and we had an agreement to honor each others discomfort and not do action or horror movies.........until my husband decided to change his mind on his own, and go against the agreement!!!!!!!

Whoever thought that something that is supposed to be so enjoyable, as watching movies together, could be such a bone of contention?!?!?!

Well, decentman, I think that if someone were to look your way, there must be a good reason (are you handsome?!?!), then your wife should be happy to have such a husband!!

Disney movies are problematic, depending on what actress is starring - seriously!

I am goofy-looking and my wife is beautiful. People are probably looking at me wondering how I got a wife like that, really. I have had people take my aside and ask how this happened. Her other husbands have been pretty ordinary, too, as her family has said.

How old are your? Have you been married before?

You POJA the movies you see together, not the ones he sees with a friend.

And if you can't agree on the movies you see together then you take turns choosing.

Have a little respect for his autonomy. Also you don't want to "mother" him. No man wants to romance his mother. ICK!

Her OTHER HUSBANDS (as in plural??????) How many past husbands has she had? Do you know why those marriages didn't work out? Perhaps some "ghosts of marriages past" are creeping into your relationship. Did she have a problem with one of the ex's wandering eye? Perhaps even infidelity? Maybe porn? It would be worth figuring out if this is the reason for her insecurity, or not. It might take a lot of work (perhaps with even a professional counselor) for her to instinctually trust that you are not one of those former ex's who might be responsible for this insecure feeling lingering around.

And, hey! Don't sell yourself short by saying you are goofy or ordinary looking!

I'm almost 40.
I have never been married before; however, I am my wife's fourth. Yes, her background is even more complex than I or her family is aware. And she IS a professional counselor. We are scheduled for some professional counseling next year, so we will see how that turns out.

I don't know why the other marriages failed. I suspect. I knew her family before I knew her. Even they do not really know her like I do. She has told me a few vague details, such as infidelity (both hers and ex-'s), and who knows what else. It never made much difference to me, initially. I am naive, and believed that, you know, people change, people should be given 2nd chances, etc. What I found was that people still tend to let the past govern their present and future. They can use that past to judge the present, and pre-judge the future. That makes life very difficult. It isn't like walking on eggshells - it is like walking through a minefield, at night, in a blindfold, after spinning around in circles.

decentman........I really wish you luck, and I think that counseling is what is needed by both of you. Counselors cannot be obhective about their own situations, so it is good you have something scheduled. But, why next year? When next year? Don;t wait too long!

I had a very jealous boyfriend once. He accused me of all kinds of things. Read my post above about the calendars!!! Anyway, as it turns out, he was "projecting" (psychological term). meaning, he was accusing me of what HE was doing!! Not to say your wife is having an affair, but it could also be that it is the "ghosts of marriages past" creeping in.

And, I guess you have learned that it might have been a good idea to know her and her past a bit better before you married. Yes, people can change, and deserve second chances, but...you said SECOND chance...not FOURTH chance (you said you are your wife's FOURTH). To know WHY she was unfaithful is more telling than just the fact that she did it. And, how MANY times did she do it? If you see a pattern here.....

ALso, there are the sayins that "A leopard doesn;t change its spots" and "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior".

In any case, hurry yourselves to counseling , or just go alone to try to figure some things out on your own. Get yourself out of that minefield!!!!!!!!!!!

Wishing you the best!

I wonder whether any of your wife's former husbands caused her grief over movie star women? Or whether she herself has felt tempted by movie star men, so projects that it could happen to you?

It is always better to talk these things through, in a safe and loving environment where she is sure that nothing she says will make you feel less love for her or cause you to abandon her in any way, including emotionally.

Once you understand her reasons and feelings about this better, you may have no trouble reaching Joint Agreement enthusiastically. It's pretty tough to relate without enough information, though, so try to help her feel safe telling you more about why.

I hope this is helpful to you. You sound like a decent man.