Hi Everybody

I have been married to my wife for almost 17 years. Ten weeks ago I found out she was having an EA which began about 3 months earlier. Following Dr Harley's advice I asked her to cease all contact which she did about 2 weeks later.

After an initial rollercoaster ride, things seemed to improve a lot. I basically followed Plan A and it appeared to work for a while. In fact I thought we were into recovery. However I have had some weak moments during which I cried and told her how hurt I was and would not be able to carry on without her. As I suffer from bouts of depression it is not always easy for me to remain upbeat and cheerful.She has told me that she still loves me deeply and also could not bear to live without me. We also rekindled some romance and sent each other passionate
e-mails and SMS's. We have been for MC but it has not really been helpful. Our conversations about our relationship, our EN's and the actions needed to fix things seem to have been much more effective.

However for the last 2 weeks I feel she has withdrawn from me emotionally. There are now much fewer expressions of love and less affection. She does not seem to be able to easily open up to me with her thoughts and feelings and says everything is alright.

I have asked her why she has withdrawn but she denies it and says she is more affectionate towards me than she ever was.

Did I made a mistake by frequently discussing relationship issues during Plan A. (I can't see how that can be avoided if things like EN's and LB's need to be discussed).

The other questions and possibilities going through my mind are:

Has she re-established contact with the OM. She denies any contact and I have no evidence to the contrary but I can't monitor her work e-mails and telephone calls..
Is she only now going through withdrawal from the OM
Is she suddenly doubtful about my ability to change permanently
Is she feeling guilty or bad about herself for what happened.
How can I get her to open up more and tell me what is really going on.
Should I just be patient and hope this passes or take some other approach.

I would really appreciate any advice or comments on understanding this situation and how to deal with it.

Thanks
Peter

Since this just started happening after 8 weeks of a demonstrated committment to recovery, I would suspect a resumption. How does she explain her withdrawal? Is she hostile to you?

Thanks for your reply

She denies that she has withdrawn although it is clear to me that she has. Her reaction when I asked her seemed more one of surprise. However I have sensed a little hostility creeping in when discussing other day-to-day issues.

Do you think I should confront her directly with the possibility of a resumption of contact. She would most likely just deny it.

Oh no, it will do no good to confront her about it. Like you said, she will just deny it. I would suggest keeping your eyes peeled and perhaps even putting a voice activated recorder in her car.

This may just be a delayed withdrawal, Peter, but the risks of a resumption right now are very great so you need to keep your eyes wide open.

The way she is acting RIGHT NOW is what we usually see in the first 8 weeks of no contact, not 8 weeks LATER, that is why I am wondering about this.

Aside from that, it looks like you are doing everything right. You are allowed, however, to show how hurt you are and are not required to act "pleasant," especially after the traumatic blow you have just suffered.

She is not working with this guy, right? Is he married and does his wife know about the affair?

Hi Melody-

I don't want to contradict, just add a different opinion from a former wayward wife.... resumption of contact may actually cause a depressed withdrawn WW to suddenly perk up.

My gut feeling is that Peter's wife is finally coming out of withdrawal from her OM and, with the fog lifting, sees her selfish past actions more clearly. Peter mentions this possibility as "Is she feeling guilty or bad about herself for what happened." I've been there done that. It is a horrible feeling, I just wanted to crawl under a rock. How could my husband still want me after what I've done?

Anyway Peter, it could be this or not, but the way to help her open up to you is not to contradict her version of events (she denies withdrawing). An effective way is to use "I statements" and clear detailed examples of how you feel when she does something that looks like withdrawal.

For example: you try to hug her and she pulls away.

You say: "When you pull away I feel like you don't want to be with me. Can we talk about this?"

I hope this helps Peter!
~ Saturn

She does not work with him. In fact we are in South Africa and he is a divorced US Army officer based in Egypt. The EA took place over the internet and by telephone.

My gut feeling is that SaturnRising is right but that could be more out of hope and I don't have much faith in my gut instincts any more. I will certainly approach her as you have suggested.

Another worry is that she has just told me she is taking a day off work tomorrow. That triggers my mind to suspect that maybe he is flying in to meet her. This thing can really mess with your head.

SR, typically when contact has resumed, the WS withdraws EMOTIONALLY from her spouse and that is what is happening here. If contact is resumed, I wouldn't expect her to maintain her emotional closeness with Peter.

Granted, it might cause her to perk up temporarily, but it would also cause her to withdraw emotionally. Which is exactly what is going on here.

Resumption might not be the answer at all, hopefully, but that is often the case. So, Peter, trust but verify. You are in a very tenuous stage of recovery so catching resumption early on will be better than later.

It SHOULD trigger your mind very much and you should make sure this is not happening. Can you follow her?

Also, as part of radical honesty and transparency, will she give you the keys [password, etc] to her workplace email account?

It will not be easy to follow her as I have an inportant meeting at work tomorrow morning. Also the passwords would not really help as I would not have acces to her office unless we went there together. Best I can do is put a tape recorder in her car.

Can you hire someone to follow her?