I'd suggest be careful with the name-calling. My FWW was in the same situation: except she was the "OW" with the 2 kids. We are now trying to recover our M. I think referring to her as a "ho" would be exceedingly disrespectful.

I hear you... but in my opinion... she is a ho until she stops acting like one.... that's just the way I see the situation. If you see it differently, that is your view. When a FWS (male or female) stops acting as a WS... my view of them changes... not before.

Unfortunately, insane behaviour is part and parcel of being "in love" (infatuated).

Perhaps there should be a rule stating that M's should not happen until the infatuation stage has passed... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I think we should try to help Sean and not to run him away.

I think Sean and his fiancee would be able to benefit from counseling if she chooses to work on the relationship and accepts his forgiveness.

I agree with MEDC that this is a fork in the road for him.

However, I think he is doing BAD things but is NOT a BAD PERSON.

A BAD PERSON would not even think of coming to this website to ask for help.

MIM, being in love does not render a person a complete idiot. People can and do make intelligent marriage choices every day through a process of discrimination and intelligence. It takes much more than "feelings" to make a marriage work.

Mimi... need I remind you of CinnamonSugar... Blackopal, etc. yes, bad intentioned people do come here. It seems to happen often.

I agree with everything you just said Mel.

My H and I "dated" for four years before we got married.

Both of us made major mistakes that we worked through before we made the decision to get married.

I'm just not willing as yet to just GIVE UP on Sean.

I don't think that's RIGHT for ME to do.

I respect your opinion as always.

...but it does lead them to do things that others more rationally-minded might see is being idiotic. For example, sleeping with a M'd woman who is a co-worker at the office <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.



Agreed. I'd suggest though that for many people the choice to become M'd is driven quite a bit by those "in-love" feelings. Those feelings can drive you to let your S (or potential S) to get away with almost anything.

.


OK, MEDC. I agree..bad people come here. I'm not familiar with those particular folks, though.

I did not get the impression that Sean is BAD. If I thought he was, I would say so.

He seems to think that what he is doing is WRONG and seems to be asking for help.

We haven't heard back from him though...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Exactly, but you would never encourage such behavior, I would hope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Nor am I. My only assertion is that he is not marriage material, but that determination is up to his fiance, not me. My concern is that she has full access to ALL the facts so that she CAN make an informed decision.

It helps me to hear comments from others.
I have not told my fiance and I have not told anyone.
The only person I talk to is the person I am cheating with.
I think that we are just telling each other what we want to hear and there is no reality.

My fear is that I have conditioned myself to "love" this other person and that I have no chance at my marriage.

I have been with my fiance for 7 yrs. I thought we were happy and I thought I could never cheat on her.

so, when is the supposed wedding date?

you do know you are putting your fiance at risk for a STD, right?

you do know you are hurting the other family, right?

Sound to me like you're way past the "infatuation" stage with your fiancee, and now you are "infatuated" with someone else.

I suggest taking the decision to be responsible for your actions NOW and choose to do what is right instead of what feels good. This includes:

1. Ending the A, and establishing NC. This will likely mean one of you leaving your job. IMO this should be the person in the more senior position.

2. Informing your fiancee, and being and honest as possible when she starts asking questions. She will likely call off the engagement, but she may be willing to work on restoring your relationship.

About contacting the OWH's H, I suggest that you first discuss this with your fiancee.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy. It certainly isn't going to be easy here. But I believe that you will feel better about yourself once you've done it.

I'm thankful that you came back here, Sean. I was concerned. This is your opportunity to MAKE THIS RIGHT..TO DO THE RIGHT THING...



This is a LIE that you are telling yourself, Sean.

You definitely can LEARN to LOVE your FIANCE again and UNLEARN what you have established with the OW.

But you have to STOP TALKING TO HER TODAY...

Run..not walk..to your fiancee..and tell her...

RIGHT AWAY..BREAK OFF ALL COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE OW.

You are absolutely correct. You are only telling each other what you want to hear. LIES, SEAN!!!

We will tell you THE TRUTH!!!

Sean,

You need to read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you the insight as to why the affair happened and what can be done to repair your own relationship. Yes, there were problems in your relationship and needs weren't being met, and that is why you looked at getting your needs met elsewhere. If you and your fiance and can down and discuss what went wrong and how you are going to fix things, you have an opportunity to be happier than you ever were before, and this will be REAL happiness, not FANTASY happiness. Sean, you need to man up and admit your mistakes, and try to make things right. You can't change the past, but you can change the future with your actions. I'm sure your fiance will be VERY hurt and angry when she finds out, but she DESERVES to know. You must accept the consequences for your actions. The longer this goes on, the harder it is to recover. End this and tell your fiance TODAY! The Lord forgives those who are truly repentant.

- Jim

Sean:

I'm praying that you will listen to Jim!

I can't even think about telling my fiance.

My fiance and I spend time with the OW, the husband and the kids. We have all been close. If anyone finds out it will all be blown wide open.

Right now I am just trying to get over the OW.

I feel like I am insanely in love with the OW and I am just doing my best to break off the A. I know it is wrong.

If I can get over these feelings I think I can then begin to start communicating with my fiance to try and fix what made me do this in the first place.

For example: The OW just asked me to go to lunch. If we discuss our A or relationship she will tell me we need to break it off...what the heck are you asking me to lunch if you truly want to break it off?

This is so difficult.

If you do not tell your fiance and if you continue contact with the OW, your A will definitely continue.

There is NO WAY that you can do it on your own.

There is NO HELP for you if you do not do as we are telling you to do right now.

You will have to MAN UP and be COURAGEOUS or there is NO HELP for you.

You will DESTROY ALL OF YOUR LIVES.



You must tell her! You don't think she deserves to know this? Why not? If you don't choose to tell her, then go ahead and break off your engagement with her today. At least be civil enough to do that.



How is this not anything other than CRIMINAL? Explain how you can RATIONALIZE this as being OK. It gives me the CREEPS. How can you consider yourselves CLOSE? You are CLOSE to a MAN whom you betray by sleeping with his wife? You are not his friend, Sean. You are his enemy. You are destroying his family. THIS NEEDS TO BE BLOWN UP.



You are terribly misguided in this point of view. As you already know, based on her request to have lunch with you, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BREAK IT OFF WITH HER. You are already caught up in this, ADDICTED TO HER DRUG and without WITHDRAWAL from her..just like a drug or alcohol..you will not be able to have a relationship with your fiancee again...



She doesn't want to break it off. She ENJOYS PLAYING THIS GAME WITH YOU and you ENJOY IT TOO...

This is what you are ADDICTED to.

In terms of BLOWING UP, how will it be when your A is discovered and it will be discovered if you continue and l if you do not tell your fiancee yourself....

This has to be done COLD TURKEY, Sean.

There is NO SUCH VIABLE OPTION of WORKING ON BREAKING UP WITH THE OW.

YOU WILL GET CAUGHT!!!!!!!!
I can't begin to stress this enough.
I don't care if you continue to see her or stop seeing her forever.
Trust me.
This will come out, might not be today or tomorrow but it WILL come out.
Better to do the right thing........right now...... or forever live in fear.

JS